Chapter 15: Doubts and Discussions

Hoseok straightens up and coughs into his fist. He looks around anxiously in search of a different subject. 

It's like we can't talk about the past but I'm not ready to move on. I love so many memories so much that it hurts to hold myself back and not share them. I feel so restraint and strangled. I understand it's sensitive for him but it's sensitive for me too—the present is too, and in a sense so is the future. So what can we talk about? And if we can't talk about the past, how will he ever remember? Wait, does he ever want to remember? Is it just me who is still hoping with all their body and soul that Hoseok will magically recover his memories? 

I stare at my hands in my lap, squeezing them into fists. My heart clenches and the edges of my vision becomes hazy. I focus on the grip of my hands, massaging my fingers until they become numb.

I don't know how I feel about Hoseok. I don't know what to do about Namjoon. I don't even know what to do right this very moment. Everything is so complicated. Everything is so bitter. I am so bitter. 

Neither of us has said a word, we both seem to be having our own internal disputes.

I don't know whether I should speak my thoughts. This Hoseok and I haven't been dating long—if we are dating, even that isn't definite now I think of it. We are 'dating' but is it for the sake of it? Are we really a boyfriend and girlfriend, or just a couple of unfortunate souls who were dating and continued to because we felt dictated to? Can I call him my boyfriend? I've known him longer than he remembers and I'm sure he'd appreciate my honesty if I discuss with him. That is if he holds the same values as he did in the past.

I swallow. I'm not sure about anything anymore—anything about anything. About Hoseok, about our relationship, about the past, present or future, or whether I can bring any of them up. If I can't speak of the past, how do I speak of my present problems or future dreams?

I hold my breath. I pick up all my courage with my numb hands to glimpse up at Hoseok. He's standing beside me still but he feels so far away as he stares distantly at the wall. His hands are in his pockets and his expression is sullen and serious. I wonder what he's thinking about. 

Hoseok's eyes flutter and he's back on Earth. His head stifly turns to me. He smiles weakly and scratches the back of his neck. His body seems to creak as he turns to face me properly.

"Sorry, did I space out?" he laughs awkwardly, "I haven't slept much." We both know the excuse is only half true. He runs his fingers through his hair as he explains that they are preparing for their next album.

My brows knit in concern. "Is that a smart move, I mean—" I drop my voice and mumble cautiously, "—with your health and stuff in mind..." I trail off with no intention of being any clearer, we both know what I mean.

Hoseok furrows his brows. He must be getting sick of me since he looks the slightest bit irritated, for the untrained eye he's hiding it well. "I'm fine," he insists quite firmly.

I shrink back into the computer chair. It creaks as I lean back but embraces me comfortably in it's worn out leather upholstery. The atmosphere between us is so tense that I'm desperate for any amount of comfort. I almost leap out of the chair when my phone suddenly sings out to me.

I excuse myself and bring the device to my ear as I walk over to the door. Nonetheless the tension stretches like elastic, binding me to my problems.

"Hello?" says the voice on the phone.

I stop, my hand on the knob and mouth unlatched.

"Jisu?!" I stammer in disbelief. I swiftly check the caller ID and see that I am correct.

I hear the other members chattering in the background. 

"Where are you? We’re all back and you’re not home,” Jisu grumbles. Something in her tone keeps me uneasy, there's a tinge of worry and apprehension.

I haven't spoken to my members in ages. I did though, tell them about Hoseok's accident some time ago but since then,not much. I glance at Hoseok from the corner of my eye, he's sitting in front of the computer reading twitter mentions. 

"I'm with Hoseok right now," I explain. He seems to perk up slightly and lend an ear to the phone conversation happening behind him.

There's rummaging over the line as the call is put on speaker.

"Are we interrupting?" Dahyun asks. 

I laugh nervously and assure them it's alright. Admittedly, I was relieved to have been interrupted at first but now I'm not too sure. I feel like bad news is waiting ahead.

"Why are you all back so early?" I ask in attempt of proving myself wrong, “Don’t we have a few more weeks?” Unfortunately my pessimistic side may be right.

An unsettling silence befalls them. I stop breathing. Anxiously, I furrow my brows. “Hello?”

“About that,” Hyejin says hesitantly, “We want to discuss something altogether, face to face.” They all hum in agreement.

Her tone is serious. She’s speaking like she does when trying to motivate us on a bad day of practice—it sounds harsh and scary but she means good. I have a bad feeling brewing in the pit of my stomach. I purse my lips and nod, promising to come back as soon as possible.

I end the call and sigh as I walk back to Hoseok who is still immersed in reading his fans' messages.

"Who was it?" he asks, glancing at me. 

"My members," I say, "They want me to go back to discuss something.” I’m not sure how else to explain it.

Hoseok hums and swivells in his chair to turn to me. "Are you leaving right now?" he asks looking up at me. The irritation in his tone appears to have vanished or at least faded.

I nod though I feel unsure about it. "They sounded serious.”

"Ah okay," he looks worried but also a little disappointed as his gaze wanders to the ground. He looks back up at me before standing up. "Should I walk you?" he asks.

I smile gratefully but shake my head. "I'll be alright," I assure him. 

It looks like he's about to insist on his offer but bites his bottom lip. He presses his lips into a smile that dimples his cheek then nods. 

Hoseok walks with me out of the building. 

"I'll see you later," he says though he makes it sound more like a question than a farewell.

I nod and turn to leave. I halt. 'Should I ask? Should I turn around and tell him what I'm thinking?' 

I bite my lip. I hesitantly look over my shoulder but Hoseok's already turned his back to me.