Chapter 16: Stars

I walk home scowling. I don’t know what I was expecting.  The ground is dry and the sun itches my bare skin. I just want to be in my own room right now with the cool air and comfort of my bed. We said ‘bye’ so he had every right to turn around and go back inside. Yet I feel so bitter. I’m so selfish.

Pouting, I kick rocks and hardened stones of dirt until they crumble or I lose them. Each time I kick it too hard I feel left behind and when I kick them too softly, I stumble on them. I haven’t done much today but I feel worn out and tired.

Then there’s Hyejin, Dahyun and Jisu. What could they want to talk so seriously about? I begin to gnaw the inside of my cheek. I stop walking.

“They couldn’t seriously be thinking about—” I utter. My mouth gapes open. I shake my head, attempting to fling all the negative thoughts from my mind. Instead I try think of the good times.

***

We all stand in front of a crowd of fans. Since when did we have this many people staring at us with so much love and anticipation? Their faces and expressions are illuminated by the glow of their light sticks. They wave them in unison. A sea of people with speckles of light—stars to our dark sky.

I grip my microphone, singing my lines as I wander the edges of the stage. My voice and thoughts are flooded over by the fan chant.

I close my eyes for a moment. Their cheers sweep over us like waves. Our names are being called louder than we could ever imagine. Our hearts fill with their love and ears fill with their chants. This feeling is so beautiful.

I can hear them yell my name. “Don’t cry!” they repeat. A smile graces my features. Their chants only beckon the tears to fall.

I feel a touch on my shoulder and open my eyes. Hyejin stands to my left, singing her lines as she gives me a comforting expression. Our leader, forever watching over us. My bottom lips trembles.

Suddenly I feel an arm hug my shoulders and I’m embraced into Jisu’s side. She screams her thanks to the fans, lending her microphone to them to sing her lines. She squeezes my shoulders and scrunches her nose teasingly. I can feel my heart swell and I can’t sing my next lines.

Dahyun takes over, laughing with tears also welling in her eyes. “Thank you to our fans! We’ll work hard!” she yells as she waves the trophy up over her head. We all bow as the song comes to an end.

Backstage we burst into tears of joy. Our first ever win.

***

Before I know it, I’ve reached the dorm. I stare at the plain door. I take a deep breath in and wait a moment to steady myself. Hesitantly, I bring my fist up and lightly knock.

There’s rummaging and the clinking of the chain before the door finally opens. I’m not sure if I feel relieved to see my member's face or just anxiety.

I swallow and smile weakly. “Hello.”

Dahyun returns my expression just as painfully and I immediately know it is going to be a bad subject of discussion. She embraces me, squeezing me tightly. I’m unsure it is for her comfort or mine.

Hyejin and Jisu are already seated in the living room with cups of tea. They greet me with the same lack of enthusiasm as Dahyun. They all look simultaneously well-rested and unrested. Their faces look refreshed but their expressions look tired and anxious. I feel even more troubled. A heavy air already hangs over the room.

Jisu pats the seat next to her as Dahyun goes to prepare me a cup too.

“How are you, Ahri?” Hyejin asks with a gentle smile that crinkles the ends of her eyes. We make small talk to fill the silence.

“Alright,” I shrug. Whatever they want to talk about, I don’t want them to feel burdened by my current situation and feelings for Hoseok.

Dahyun returns with a steaming cup of tea. She passes it to me before taking a seat.

“Right, how’s Hoseok?” Jisu asks, nudging me softly.

I force on a smile and nod. “He still doesn’t remember anything but it’s alright,” I hum.

They all press their lips into tight smiles of pity. Jisu pats my back in reassurance. “Falling in love again can’t be that bad, right?” she says.

They all nod in agreement. We nod into silence. Recently I’ve found that I hate it when people go quiet.

I pick up my mug from the coffee table. It leaves a circle of moisture on the wood. They must be all out of it. Usually Jisu would nag us to use a coaster.

“What—” I hold the mug with both hands. It’s a bit too hot and begins to bite at my palms. I place it back down. My throat feels tight and dry. I my lips, “What did you want to discuss?” I ask, timidly looking up at our leader for an answer.

Hyejin’s eyes grow. She straightens up slightly and puts her tea down on the table. “I don’t know how to put this—” she looks to the other two for support. What had they been discussing without me?  “We didn’t want to tell you earlier because of what was happening with Hoseok,” she explains.

I flinch slightly. Am I offended? Hurt?

Jisu touches my shoulder. She presses her lips into, what I imagine was supposed to be a reassuring smile.

“We know it might still not be a great time but I—” Hyejin pauses and rethinks her words, careful not to strum the thorns the wrong way, “We’ve avoided telling you for too long and there’s no excuse for that. We’re sorry Ahri, please forgive us.”

I purse my lips. My throat is so dry. I grip my fists, my nails scratch my palms. “What is it?” I choke.

Hyejin gapes at me with pain surging behind her eyes and calm demeanour. Dahyun catches on and continues in her stead.

She shuffles forward in her seat and takes a deep breath. “We’ve long lost our popularity,” she says, “and don’t blame yourself!” she says this like a demand. Her gaze is steadily on mine. “None of this is your fault but—” she heaves a long heavy sigh that seems to go on for eternity. “While on break we’ve all been thinking, and we—” she gestures to Hyejin and Jisu, “have all agreed it’s time to part ways.”

Jisu gently places a hand on my fists. I’m frozen stiff. I saw this coming. I saw this coming even before the phone call. I saw this coming even before the sudden hiatus. But I still burst into tears.

***

We all stand in front of a crowd of fans. Yet none of them are ours. The audience is pitch black.

Since when were their expressions so dim and silence so harsh? They do not dare meet our eyes and instead look at each other with looks of indifference or impatience. They don’t cheer—they don’t even boo. They just treat us to a hauntingly silent sea.

Is it my fault?

I turn to the members and we all wear the same look of hurt and discomfort. The energy in their performance and excitement in their expressions cease to exist.

Is it my fault?

The day we were abandoned in front of a starless night.

It is all my fault.