Chapter 12: Unknown

'What?'

I feel like the ground has given way. My mind has left my body. Everything has left it's place. My stomach has dropped, my heart has sunk and my jaw is on the floor. I try to pick it all up, reorganise my thoughts, my feelings and my body, but I can't. It's impossible.

I stare at Namjoon in utter confusion and shock, not sure where to begin or what to say or do.

He gives a weak smile and laughs bitterly. He folds into himself and smiles painfully at the ground.

"How am I supposed to ask you for something like that?" He glimpses up at me and I feel a pang of guilt and pain pierce my fallen chest. "How was I ever supposed to tell you that I—" he stops himself. The glint of hope I had seen in his expression has vanished. 

I've known him for years and I love him— but not like that. 'Is that the reason he's always been there for me? always stuck around for me? always comforted and cared for me? because he—'

My eyes search for his. 'Is it true?'

The shadow over his face darkens as he examines my expression.

"See? It's not possible," he says, responding to his own questions.

I stare at him in disbelief. He stares at a spot on the ground between us, a crooked expression whacked on his face.

"I-I don't understand," I utter aloud. I don't know what I'm saying. 'How many times have I hurt him? Am I allowed to ask that?'

He snickers softly, bitterly. "I know," he murmurs almost kindly. His eyes skid past mine as he turns in his chair. 

I continue to stare at the back of his head, illuminated by the computer screen like a halo. 'I don't understand.'

A heavy silence falls between us, suffocating me in endless doubts, uncertainties, worries and guilt.

Namjoon heaves a heavy sigh. "Choi Ahri," he says. His voice sends a shiver down my stiffened spine.  I wait a moment for him to continue.

"Please leave."

His voice isn't harsh or firm, it comes out as a plea—so I don't argue. I don't have the mentality right now anyway.

I obediently stand and walk to the door. The door handle is cold as I twist it. I pause for a moment and turn around. I apogize before I leave. I feel like I'm leaving something in the studio as I step out into the practice room.

I hold the door knob for a moment after silently twisting it close. When I finally let go it sticks to my palm and fingertips.

'How did I never find out? how long has it been—was it before I began dating Hoseok? when we first met? recently??' 

I'm about to utter my thoughts out in disbelief when—

"Ahri?"

I jolt and fling my head around in shock. Hoseok's feet face the dance room's mirrors but the rest of him face me— he must have been dancing.

I toddle around to face him. "D-did you just get here?" I stutter, my mind still piecing itself together.

He nods. "Yeah, I need to catch up on choreo," he explains as he takes several steps towards me. About a meter away, he presses his lips together and, with his hands in his sweatpants' pockets, shrugs loosely.
"What about you, what are you doing here?" he asks with a friendly smile.

I don't know why but I feel pressured to speak. My thoughts and emotions fill me. I faulter on my words before I can get anything out.
"I-I came to visit Yoongi," I reply and point at the studio door. It's not a lie.

"Ahh..." Hoseok considers my answer for a moment. He looks up shyly, "Do you visit him often?"

I nod without much thought. "He usually kicks me out though," I laugh dryly.

Hoseok chuckles and I feel a bit more at ease. He suddenly perks up in realisation. "I was here when Yoongi left," he says looking partially confused and partially worried. I must have been in there with Namjoon for a while afterwards.

"Is Namjoon in there?" Hoseok asks.

'Yes.'

Instead I open and shut my mouth like a goldfish, looking back and forth from the studio door to Hoseok. "Y-yeah," I blurt out. My voice echoes and I cringe and scold my nerves.

"How'd you know?" I ask, subtly trying to prevent the conversation from going onto a tangent about Namjoon and I.

"Usually only Yoongi, Namjoon and I use the studio," he reasons, "I've noticed that hasn't changed much since debut." He smiles until his eyes crinkle and continues to chatter. His bright atmosphere makes up for the  silence I give into. 

I nod along, unsure what I'm agreeing with. 'Why would Namjoon blurt that out now out of all times?' My head feels numb and I start to feel somewhat nauseous as my head and ears listen to different things.

"Ahri?" Hoseok chirps.

I look up at him and smile. "Yeah?" I hum, "Sorry, what was that?"

Hoseok presses his lips together, his brows furrowing lightly. "Are you okay?" he asks timidly. 

I nod briskly, giving him no time to doubt me. "Yeah, why?" 

He bites his lip. "You seem," he pauses and thinks for a while, "stressed. Is everything alright?" He words himself carefully, tip toeing around how obviously distracted I am.

I smile, warmed by the worried crease forming between his brows—a simple mark I know so well. "You're always worrying," I chuckle before reassuring him that I am okay.

He sighs in relief. "That's good," he murmurs. There's a pause.

I begin fidgetting with the little hearts resting on my chest. I look around the room anxiously trying to think up a conversation topic. My thoughts and feelings are all over the place, unknowns lurking once in my unciousness now in direct light.

Hoseok's smile suddenly lights up as his eyes land on me again. "You're wearing the necklace," he points out.

I look down, my fingers still half strumming the hearts. "I really like it," I admit. I smile shyly and slowly bring my hands back to my sides. 

Hoseok laughs. I hold my breath. He means so much to me— then and now. It's moments like this that I forget I'm still new to him and I get confused. And I miss him.

"I should get back home," I say slightly hastier than anticipated. I need the time alone. "I'll see you later," I say as I walk towards the exit. I hear footsteps.

"Ahri!" 

I hault and look over my shoulder. Hoseok's too close. His eyes grow and we both hold our breath. He takes a step back, inhales then exhales.

"You'll come visit me when I'm producing too, right?" he confirms, embarrassed immediately after he asks.

I feel a flutter in my chest and before I know it I'm begging my smile not to look so eager. I press my lips together, my eyes still smiling, and nod. "Message me and I'll come over," I tell him.

Hoseok grins and laughs bashfully to the side, smoothly hiding his pleased expression. "Alright!" he chuckles, "I'll see you then."

I stand by the door, now wishing I hadn't said goodbye so early. 'Just a bit more, it's healing.'

A/N: assignments are due soon so I'm going to get busier... I busted out an essay to make time to write this!

Anyway! almost 100subs?! :') this is the most subs I've had for a story! any suggestions in celebration for if/when this reaches 100subs? eg. the special chapter for 50+subs