It was dark, cold and he was feeling lost by the never ending fear that wrapped him, yet his hand feels warm, a simple warm feeling on the skin of his palm that able to send comfort all over his body. Slowly he’s opening his eyes as his heart trying little by little to trust the warm in his hand, that the heat is not something malicious nor the dreaded heat that left a deep scar in his psychology which created by his evil past.

It was blurry, a white stinging light coming into his unadjusted eyes with no mercy, he’s blinking his eyes in attempt to make it better and to gain his consciousness as his head still feels light and faded. Then the bright light gone, changed into a yellow dim light much to his favor which later he found out was someone turning off the main light because he have seen him waking up. The warmth that was gone from his hand for a while coming back as a figure sitting back beside him.

“Hey…”, a low tender voice heard from the figure, “Donghae, are you awake?”.

The man in bed shifted his head a bit to take a better look at the figure sitting beside him, it took him a minute to eventually realize it was Hyukjae with a gentle smile adorning his face. At the sight of that smile Donghae feels like he’s filled with peace, the fear that haunted him in the dark was erased with no trace. Nothing else matters when Hyukjae is here, beside him smiling to him. A tear escape from Donghae’s eyes as peace washed him from all the negative feelings.

From where though these feelings coming? He thought.

“Hyukkie…” he called with a hoarse voice.

“Yeah, it’s me Donghae…”, Donghae felt a grip tighten in his hand and realized that the warmth he have been feeling is Hyukjae’s warm hand.

Donghae hold up his other hand wanting to touch Hyukjae and also gesturing for the older to hug him. But then Hyukjae only caught hold of the hand and place it on Donghae’s stomach, the knuckle gently as if assuring that everything is fine. A slight frown formed on Donghae’s face, not understanding why Hyukjae wouldn’t hug him. His brain had blocked his memories of the horrible experiences at what that intimate contact can caused him therefore he couldn’t understand why Hyukjae refuse to hug him.

He felt so relieved that he forgot the fear and want nothing else but to embrace Hyukjae tightly to make sure the man wouldn’t vanish from his life again. But why wouldn’t Hyukjae let him do it? Then as if the blonde could hear Donghae’s thought, he bring his hand to the younger’s cheek and it gently as he slowly almost uncertain bringing their forehead closer to nudge at each other. The moment their skin comes in contact, Hyukjae let out an inaudible sigh, feeling relieved that the contact was fine and didn’t trigger anything.

Hyukjae keep his eyes closed savoring the small heat he feels on his skin, it was a simple touch, just them pressing their forehead to each other, but it was something so precious for them. They feel connected, their feelings is mediated upon the small contact, it was intimate, warm and affectionate. Hyukjae open his eyes slowly wanting to see if Donghae feels the same as him. He saw that the younger is also closing his eyes, and it was apparent on his face that he was in peace, a thin smile that almost unnoticed is formed on Donghae’s equally thin lips.

Hyukjae’s feelings was brought to the brim at the sight, how could he’s not when he see the one he loves looked so much at peace after all the horrendous hardship they’ve experienced? He’s feeling very relieved, happy and glad that he’s able to cause such peaceful state to Donghae even though he’s also the one who is able to bring him back to hell. Not this time, he let himself adoring Donghae’s peaceful face, feeling his love bursting in his heart.

He wants so much to kiss the man in front of him, brushing his lips on the soft skin of Donghae’s face. Can he? Their contact felt so intimate and Hyukjae couldn’t help wanting more, but even so he’s still sensible enough to stop himself for doing stupid things. But how long could a man in love hold himself when the other seems to be basking in his touch?

Slowly Hyukjae leaning closer to Donghae’s face, letting their noses brush each other trying to let the younger realize how close they’re right now, but Donghae didn’t do anything nor did he open his eyes. So Hyukjae keep leaning in until his lips comes in contact to Donghae’s cheek, just a centimeter from the said lips. Only by then did Donghae open his eyes, gathering the non-existent gap between them, stares back at Hyukjae’s uncertain, curious and slightly scared eyes. It was unexpected, Donghae’s stares soften and he lean in to Hyukjae reciprocating the gesture, pressing his lips on Hyukjae’s plump one.

It was a bit timid, trembling, uncertain yet full of feelings, bringing butterflies swarming in their body in full force. Their lips brushing slowly, gently with closed eyes savoring the deep contact as if they’re trying to convey something that can’t be said, not yet. Until another tear fall from Donghae’s eyes, in which Hyukjae opened his eyes because he felt Donghae’s lips began to tremble even more and taken a back when he saw the tears. But he didn’t immediately pull his head away, he keep it linger and only pulling himself away enough for their lips to no longer come in contact but their forehead stay connected.

Hyukjae was about to say something when Donghae suddenly said, “Hyukkie… I’m scared”.

Instinctively Hyukjae pulling away from Donghae, thinking that the close proximity was too much for the younger. But he was stopped, a pair of hands holding the side of his head, gently but firmly not let him get away even for an inch.

“Don’t…”, Donghae whispered once again closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, trying to keep himself together. Slowly he lean in erasing the newly made gap between them, feeling his nose touch Hyukjae’s and their warm breathes fall on their face, this time more surely and a bit desperate he pressed his lips on Hyukjae’s lips. It was too much for him, his heart is storming with mixed feelings both bad and good. He’s feeling so scared, so bad that his head screaming to get away, but his heart didn’t want to let go, no, he want to stay in that way tasting the bond, whatever it is, that they share right now.

But he can’t help the way his body reacting, it was trembling without him able to control it and tears keeping running through his cheeks as a whimper escape his choked throat. He was a mess, his face was painted in anguish and desperation.

Why? Was a word Donghae keep on repeating in his mind.

“Donghae…”, Hyukjae said soothingly, “maybe if you let me go… You will feel better”.

“No, don’t… Don’t leave me”, Donghae whimpered with ragged breaths.

“I’m not leaving Donghae, come on… let go”, he couldn’t bear to see how broken Donghae is now, he knows how Donghae would feel better if they put some distance between them. But still the younger wouldn’t let him go, his hold over the older despite it was shaking still remain firm.

“You were gone”, Donghae murmured, “you’re not there… You left me. I don’t want it, please… Hyuk, don’t leave me again”.

Hyukjae’s breath hitched as his throat blocked by guilt, he noticed how Donghae called him Hyuk, making a point that he’s not simply asking, but instead begging for Hyukjae to never leave him. Oh how much Hyukjae want to hug Donghae now, if only he could embrace him so the younger would understand that he wouldn’t leave him, not when he’s so in love with him. But it’s precisely the thing Hyukjae have to avoid, to further cornered Donghae into madness because of his love.

But what if Donghae himself is the one who didn’t want to let him go?

“I won’t leave you, not this time. I won’t leave you ever again, I promise”, Hyukjae whispered soothingly even though his head was in a mess, confused at the situation. Donghae was supposed to be afraid of his love towards Hyukjae, that’s why he’s so adamantly afraid to see the older, didn’t he? So why did he suddenly be like this? “Aren’t you afraid of me Donghae? Why… did you kiss me?”.

His body shook even more and the cries getting louder, “I don’t know, I don’t know Hyuk… I just- I just felt I need it, I want it… But I-“, he choked on his words as he sharply inhales, “I’m scared- I’m still scared, of you, of I don’t know what… But I need you to stay, I want you to stay with me”.

Hyukjae run his hand to Donghae’s hair and it gently, encouraging the younger to say whatever in his heart and letting him know that he’s there for him. He want to place another kiss, but he’s not sure if that’s a good idea at all with the younger’s condition seems to be worsen little by little. But he can’t get away either as Donghae so stubbornly get a hold of his face, so he could only nudge at the younger’s nose.

“If being afraid… Means you will be leaving me”, Donghae sobbed almost incoherent with his body trembling so much, “I don’t want it…”.

“Donghae…”, his hand halted, struggling with his mind wanting to wrap the distressed younger with his arms, “but you-“.

“Please, please Hyuk… I don’t know what is it that I’m scared about, but I know… I know I want you, with me, here… just like this”, Donghae sliding his hands to the back of Hyukjae’s head and pushing it closer to his face as more tears fall from his eyes, “please stay… Don’t leave me”.

Instinctively Hyukjae lean in unable to resist kissing the younger which Donghae return back the kiss with more cries and hiccups, but the hands that Hyukjae placed on Donghae’s shoulder mindlessly was causing a jolt and a silent scream from the younger which then Hyukjae hurriedly pulled back only to be stopped by Donghae again.

“Hyukie… Hyuk… Please, don’t leave me… Even if I push you away or other things that I’ve might done to you before, please… Stay with me”, Donghae whimpered, “I don’t want you away from me ever again… Hyuk”.

Hyukjae’s body was tensed, feeling so afraid for being so close to the younger as it could trigger anything, but then his muscles relaxed bit by bit at the pleas. He still confused at the situation though, he can’t decide if this event is actually a good or a bad thing. Is this Donghae beginning to open up himself to him or is this because of his screw ups that causing Donghae to be even more frantic than before?

He know one thing for sure though, even without Donghae pleading to him, Hyukjae wouldn’t be able to leave him. He doesn’t have any other route left other than stay by Donghae side, his heart made sure of it.

“I won’t, I told you already I won’t leave you”, Hyukjae take a hold of Donghae’s hand, caressing the skin with his thumb affectionately assuring the younger that he meant the words he said, “I will keep holding your hand and that way you will know that I’m not leaving you, okay?”.

Donghae sniffed, gazing at Hyukjae’s eyes which the latter realize that Donghae is still afraid to look at him, yet he did even though it looks undeniably forced. He’s fighting himself right now, was a something Hyukjae already knew yet seeing it so clearly right in front of his eyes is like a stake piecing his mind, that the fear is still very much the same as before and the only difference is Donghae didn’t let it take full control of himself anymore, instead he’s fighting it.

And it all makes sense now, no more words needed to be said. Donghae’s feeling towards him is so strong that he’s able to fight over his subconscious, is not something simple or even easy to do, it takes all of his being to fight it over. Even though the fear still take hold most of him, but this is the very step that lead to the right path, their path.

Hyukjae’s cheeks stained with tears as he could see it so clearly now, he could feel it too Donghae’s strong feeling, that it’s not just Hyukjae trying to save their relationship, Donghae is now fighting for it too, for them. He’s not alone anymore, he didn’t struggle for it alone anymore, it wasn’t one sided, they are finally fighting together side by side now. Together.

“I won’t leave you Donghae, ever”, Hyukjae whispered with sincere gaze as tears made it ways on his cheeks.

And it was those eyes that finally ease and settle Donghae, a thin smile made on a peaceful face as he slowly lean back to the bed letting the gap between them increasing. Even though he later closed his eyes because looking at the older was still too much for him, his peaceful expression remained as he tighten his grip over Hyukjae’s hand, making sure for it to never leave him.

--

“Really?”.

“Yeah, I’m sure of it… Well, it’s not like I’m hallucinating or anything, he really did that”, Hyukjae explained.

A smile formed on the psychiatrist’s face, “even though you never really admit anything about your relationship with him, you’re actually comfortable enough to tell all of this to me, aren’t you?”.

Hyukjae stunned, gaped in shock because he thought it already a stated fact that he’s in a relationship with Donghae, he didn’t even realized that he never confirm it with Henry.

“No, it’s okay”, Henry trying to hold back his laughter, “I’m glad you’re comfortable with me, that way it will be easier for us. So… he’s kissing you”.

“Uh, yeah…”, he cleared his throat, suddenly feeling embarrassed.

“But he’s still afraid… All I can say is that things getting better than we actually expect it, maybe your leaving him made a big part of it. He chose to be with you despite his fear, so he’s consciously trying to fight back which means the subconscious wall of defense will start to waver now…”.

“Why did you look not sure?”, Hyukjae asked worried at Henry’s unreadable tone.

“Well, as the wall getting easier to penetrate that also means