He run and keep on running, not minding all the flashing surrounding, burning lungs nor how much his legs begging to stop. He ran until his apartment is nowhere to be seen then he’s cowering his body on the ground, crying all the tears he held in. Painful, it was so painful for him, he wanted to scream but all the sobbing already shake his body so much he couldn’t do anything other than letting his body flatten down on the ground even more. He was terrified beyond believe, the fear had wrapped him so tightly he couldn’t ward it off. Every breath that he takes in each of his sobbing he could feel the fear is getting stronger, but what makes him scared was because he don’t know why, why would he feel terrified like this.

The moment that word came out from Hyukjae’s mouth, he had felt his body stiffen and his breath was no more. Even though some part of him happy upon the word, the part which is terrified of it is way much stronger thus he felt like he’s going insane. Why? He keeps on repeating it in his mind. I like him, I need him, I missed him the most, I want to see him. Always, always, it’s always him the one I want to see, to touch, to listen, to feel. So why is it that he’s also the one I fear the most?

He looked up, realizing what has he done to Hyukjae. I ran from him when he… He shook his head unable to continue his thought. Amidst his undying fear from the confession, another form of fear surfacing, the thought of Hyukjae hating him. Donghae began to cry again, this time with a different cause. He felt so crushed, so broken, beyond salvation. He wanted to run back to his apartment, undoing whatever take place a few minutes ago, but he can’t. Oh how he wanted to run back even if it’s the last thing he could do, but the fear that’s b inside him is screaming in agony, denying every last bit of his wish of seeing Hyukjae once more.

Hyukjae stood still in a cold silence of a room which not his, he felt like all the blood in his veins has left him, he felt so cold, stiff yet on every surface of his skin he felt creeping pains. He hold up his hands to his face, he hadn’t realize that all this time he’s been crying that even his neck is wet now. Then he began to weep of how pitiful his condition right now, how he had brought it upon himself, how stupid he had been. Didn’t he already know that one word is a taboo? Didn’t he already place it in his heart that he shouldn’t get too close or even think about wanting it as Donghae wouldn’t want it? What Donghae wants of him is how he would keep on pushing him out, isn’t he? How he would keep on standing at the front door without letting him take entrance.

So why in the world he’s doing what he’s done? Why would he just blurted out that one word? No matter how strong, how painful or how much he wanted to scream it, he shouldn’t. Because didn’t he decided it already that no matter how tortured he is with his own feeling, he doesn’t want to bring anymore pain for Donghae? And how he had wished it that it was better from him to be the one hurting rather than Donghae? So why, why he’s so selfishly shouted it out in anger wanting for release when he knows it himself that would only bring hell on Donghae? He couldn’t stop blaming himself for his own foolishness as he couldn’t stop his tears and sobbing even harder at each thought.

He jolted, shocked by the vibrate he felt on his pocket. His hand reach into his pocket to take out the phone in lethargy and look at the caller id. He felt as if blood rush out in turbulence, all his tears stopped in a split second and how all his organs seemingly stop working in a horrid second. Donghae.

He bring the phone closer to his ear in tremble, “…Donghae?” he whispered.

All he can hear from the other line is cries and that make Hyukjae felt as if he’s being mutilated right where he’s standing.

“Donghae…?”, he called out again, his voice is shaking from the way he force himself to held in his cry.

The cries from the other side is only intensify when he said the other’s name. Then in between the hard sobbing Hyukjae can hear that the other person had said something, but he can’t make anything out of it.

“Donghae… cal- calm yourself… Please, pl-please… ah, calm yourself… Donghae…”, he began sobbing himself unable to hold it in. It hurts so much to hear Donghae’s cry, he felt like something inside him is withering as he keep on listening to the hard sobs that came out from Donghae. God, please stop his cry, please. I know how I keep on breaking my own words, but please stop his cry, I would do anything for it.

“-…Hyuk- Hyukkie…P- Ple- Please… Hyuk- Kie”, Donghae sobbed.

Hyukjae inhales slowly, trying to control himself. He can’t cry now, he has to be the reasonable one, if not then everything would fall apart. “Donghae… Calm yourself, okay? I- I’m here, I’ll listen to w-what you had to say”, he couldn’t help that his voice is still cracking.

Then Donghae keep on crying and crying until he calms down after a few minutes, in all those minutes all Hyukjae can do is keep on whispering Donghae’s name in the calmest way he can manage. “Hy-Hyukie… Please- Please… don’t hate me…” Donghae muttered in his cry.

In that moment Hyukjae can’t help it, all the restraint in himself just snapped like a broken string. He cried, cried so hard that there’s no sounds leave his lips except heavy panting because his chest feel so tight and painful. He couldn’t believe himself, never did he ever cry that hard in all his life. It downed on him of how much he loves Donghae, how much Donghae meant for him. There’s no way he can run now, he’ll broke down if he try to run away from Donghae as he would be doomed to stay with Donghae. Even so, all he can think about is how he loves the other and how he wanted to stand strong for him.

‘Do it right’, he heard Jungsu’s voice in his mind. That’s right, I have to be strong. I’ll do it right for him. Whatever it is hell or apocalypse, I can get through this for him.

“Donghae… I would never hate you. I’m your best- …best friend as you said it yourself”, Hyukjae said gently.

There’s sobbing again before he eventually reply, “But I-… Y-You… No, I-… I don’t know. W-what is this… I can’t- I don’t understand… Hyukkie”.

“Donghae, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I was… lying”, Hyukjae held in his breath.

The sobbing stopped immediately, “…What…?”

“I… I said I love you, right? I-I was lying… I w-was just… angered. I don’t mean anything of it”, he bit his lip in agony wishing he done it right now.

Silence from the other line, Hyukjae couldn’t even hear Donghae’s breathing. Suddenly a bitter laugh heard, it was shaking but Hyukjae had no idea whether it caused by disappointment or relief. “Oh… Oh, so that’s it… Uh, sorry…” he sniffed and started sobbing again. “Sorry… I don’t know what’s gotten into me, I c-can’t help it… Sorry”, his sobbing getting harder.

“Donghae-“, Hyukjae choked in sorrow. “Donghae… please, stop crying… I don’t want to make you cry”.

“No- No… it’s not- it’s not you… I-I felt relieved, but I- I- I don’t- Oh what is this? I don’t-…I’m sorry, I’m sorry Hyukkie… I’m sorry”.

“No, no… I should be the sorry one. Donghae, where are you? I-“.

“I’m sorry”, was the last word Donghae said before the phone is cut off.

Again, Hyukjae being left in the cold silence. He chose to make his way out of Donghae’s apartment, it’s obvious that Donghae didn’t want to see him now. He couldn’t understand, everything is wrong, no matter how he thought the best for Donghae it always ended up wrong. What should he do then? He couldn’t leave Donghae because it would hurt him and he knows it too what kind of state Donghae would ended up in if he done it. But then when he chose to stay, no matter what Donghae always ended up in pain, is there even a way to make it all better for Donghae?

He had no idea. But at least right now, he should keep his distance.

--

But Donghae wouldn’t even give him the time to gather his thought, as he calls Hyukjae that night and ask him where he is.

“Where are you?” Donghae’s voice sounds far from being calm.

“Donghae… I’m, I’m in my room right now”, Hyukjae replied confused with the phone call.

“You are in your room? Really? You’re not outside? Are you alone? Is there someone else beside you?” Donghae asked rapidly.

“Uh… Yes, I’m alone in my room, no one else beside me…?”

“Since when? Are you going out after this? Tomorrow, are you going out tomorrow? Where?”

“…Donghae, what is it? Are- are you okay now?”.

“Please, just answer me Hyukkie”, his voice sounds pleading.

“Uhm, okay… I’m not going anywhere today but I’ll have to go to college tomorrow”.

“How are you going to college? Alone? With who? At what time?”

“I’m going with a bus like usual-“.

“No! You can’t, no! Stay, stay at home, don’t go anywhere”, Suddenly Donghae cut Hyukjae off and he seems a bit panicked.

“What…? I can’t do that, I have class. Why Donghae?”, Hyukjae is getting even more confused not knowing where is this conversation is going and how Donghae didn’t say anything about what happened in the afternoon.

“Please… Please Hyukkie just stay at your home, don’t, don’t go”.

“…Donghae, where are you? Did something happened?”

“No, no just stay at your home…”.

“Are you at home Donghae? I’ll come to you”.

A moment of silence. “…No, Hyukkie… Why?”

“I should be the one who ask you why, you’re not at home? Where are you?”

“I’m home…”, Donghae whispered.

“Well, I don’t know what happened but I’m coming to you”, Hyukjae is ready to hung up his phone to get going but Donghae yelped in panic. “What happened? Donghae?”

“No, no Hyukjae… Don’t come here, don’t… just stay at your home”.

“…What is it? Are you afraid that something going to happen to me that you’re insisting I’m staying at home?”

“Yeah, I just want to make sure you’re alright. You… You’re gone from my home without telling me…”.

“Sorry… I was thinking that you- Uh, nothing, sorry I didn’t saying anything when leaving. But… I‘m fine”, Hyukjae replied and he thought it’s better to not say anything about what happened that afternoon.

“Okay… Okay, you’re alright… Okay”, Hyukjae getting anxious when he heard how weird Donghae’s breathing is, as if he’s trying to calm himself.

“Donghae, I’m coming to you okay?” Hyukjae asked again.

“No, don’t. Don’t go out, stay at your home, please… I’m- I’m fine”, Donghae responded quickly.

Hyukjae frowned at the statement, something is definitely not right. “You seems… Do you think something going to happen with me? Or… you don’t want to meet me?”.

“I… I want to see you, but I… I don’t want to either… I don’t know, I don’t know… Just, don’t go out from your house”, Donghae insisted.

“Why?”

“Why? I don’t know why, at least- at least if you’re at home I can be sure that you’re okay, you’re not going anywhere, that you- you’re just there”.

“…I don’t think I’ll be not fine if I go out though… What would happen to me? Nothing. I-“.

“Just, please Hyukkie… please just stay at home… please, I can’t bear the thought of you outside somewhere I don’t know. I- I want to see you so much, but I- I- I can’t… I can’t. At least I know that you’re at home and I’ll feel at ease, so please… just- just stay at your home”.

What Donghae is saying doesn’t make any sense for Hyukjae, but then again when did he ever make any sense to him before? There’s so much Hyukjae doesn’t know about Donghae, and it obvious to him that as long as he didn’t know anything about Donghae, he wouldn’t be able to make anything right for him.

“So, as long as you know where I am, it should be okay with you right?”, Hyukjae asked.

“…Yes, but no… I don’t want you to go outside. I’m sorry, I don’t know… I shouldn’t be like this, but I can’t control it, I don’t have any right to tell you what to do, but… Please, please Hyukkie”, Donghae pleaded.

“Donghae… You know I would do anything for you but, I can’t keep on skipping college… How about I call you every time I go out?”.

“…Call me?”

“Yes, I’ll call you all the way I’m going out so that you can make sure I’m alright”.

“…What if then you hung up and you’re leaving me? No, no I don’t want that”.

“Why do you keep on thinking I’ll leave you? I won’t, I swear to you I won’t leave you”.

“But- But… I can’t stop feeling uneasy, because I can’t see you, so- so… It feels like you’re leaving me any second now”.

“Then won’t it be a good idea for me to come see you? That way you know that I’m not leaving anywhere, beside I can just commute from your place, if… that’s okay with you”, persuaded Hyukjae.

“What…?” Donghae sounds confused and unable to answer for a minute. “No, I- I’m scared to see you Hyukkie… I don’t know why, but I’m scared, I’m scared. But I can’t help wanting to see you either, I’m a mess… I’ll be honest with you, I don’t know what is happening with me, I’ve never felt this way, I want to see you so much but I’m scared to do so. I know I don’t make sense, I don’t even know what or why is this happening to me, but I can’t stop myself being scared of you suddenly gone or leaving me. I want to see you… I want to… But I’m… Just stay at home Hyukkie, that way I know that you’re okay and there is no chance of you leaving me. I know it’s not normal of me to expect you to do what I told you, but please… Can you do it for me? I- I felt like I’m going insane…” Donghae said with a cracking voice and sometimes he sniffed.

Hyukjae couldn’t give any answer to that confession, he knew how weird and crazy Donghae’s psychology is, he experienced it firsthand. But this is the first time it sink into him how complicated it truly is, how he finally understood that all the rejections he get from Donghae is actually not something Donghae did deliberately, instead it was some sort of force inside Donghae which Donghae himself couldn’t control. It was Donghae’s subconscious mind which did all of this, and what caused it must be something that scarred Donghae so much that his subconscious erase the memory of it as not to let himself getting hurt even more.

The question is, what is it? Something about people leaving him? Something about someone he cares about gone so suddenly? But then, he’s scared to see the person? Was it someone he cares but he also scared of them and suddenly they left him? Hyukjae know he couldn’t just keep guessing, he has to find it out, the key to make everything better. But then, another question rise up.

How to find it out if he couldn’t even get out of his apartment because Donghae insisted it? Should he ask someone else to dig up Donghae’s past? No, he don’t want it, he want to make everything better by his own. If it’s something that Donghae himself didn’t want to remember or touch, then Hyukjae wanted nobody else than him to know about that certain past. But he definitely can’t do it himself, he still need help, not to mention getting all the information could lead to anything, so if something were to happen and he’s not by Donghae’s side, someone has to be.

“Hyukkie?” Donghae’s voice snapped Hyukjae out of his mind back to reality. “Hyukkie? Are you there? Hyukkie?”, Donghae calling again repeatedly.

“Yes, I’m here, I’m here… Sorry I was lost in thought”, Hyukjae hurriedly reply because he didn’t want to make Donghae even more anxious.

“Do you hate me?”.

“What?”.

“You are, aren’t you?” Donghae’s voice started to tremble.

“No I’m not, I told you I won’t. Stop thinking that way, I won’t”, Hyukjae replied gently.

“I’m unreasonable, why wouldn’t you not hate me? All I’ve done to you is making troubles…”.

“Stop, I know where is this going. Stop saying things like that, stop thinking I’m leaving or hate you, I won’t, no way. Listen, you said you want to see me? I want to see you too. You miss me? I miss you too. You said that I’m your best friend, well then I’ll only want the best for the best, and that’s mean anything. You said that you don’t want me to leave the house? Okay then, I’ll stay if it’s mean I can make you feel better, I’ll do anything”, Hyukjae said with emphasis.

There’s only Donghae’s sniffs that can be heard and a few bitter chuckles, “thanks… Hyukkie”, Donghae finally said.

Hyukjae feels a bit happy and proud that he’s able to make Donghae smile again even for a bit a