There was a loud screeching sound, so loud it hurts my ears and for a moment I couldn’t hear anything, my head is in a mess. A sudden burst of hot liquid clothe me in horror, I couldn’t see anything, it was so dark yet I know something really bad is going on. Something stiff and hard warped my body so tightly I could barely breathing, the pain, the horrible hot feeling burned my lungs and body so dreadfully. I screamed and screamed but no sounds ever leave my lips, I’m trapped, I had nowhere to run, I was done for. But why did I keep on living? I did rather embrace death than to be tortured like this, kill me, just let me die! Please, please… I want to go home… Let me go home…

 

“Donghae”, I heard a faraway voice, it sounds familiar and a bit muffled. Again and again that voice called me with every each time it’s getting clearer and closer. I opened up my heavy eyes, all I can see is a blurry image and something warm rolled down my cheek. I glance to the side, there was someone there, I know whose silhouette it belongs to.

“Donghae…”, he said in a low voice with his face so close to mine. “Donghae, you’re home”, he said again with the same gentle voice.

“Hyukkie”, I muttered, again something warm rolled down on my cheek.

“Shh… shh… It’s okay, everything is fine. Can you walk a bit?”, he put his hand on my shoulder very slowly as if he’s touching a fragile thin glass.

“Where…?”, my head still clouded and my body is numb.

“We’re right in front of your apartment room, do you remember where did you put the key?”.

I looked down to my feet, I’ve been standing all along and yet I can’t feel my legs. All I can feel is the warmth from Hyukjae’s hand on my shoulder, it gave me an indescribable emotions. I tried to remember where I’ve put the key, “my… pants… pocket…”.

“In your pocket?”, Hyukjae take a look at my jeans before asking again, “can you get it?”.

I tried to move my hand but it was no use, no energy left in me to even move a muscle. Hyukjae seems to realize that I’m in no condition to get the key out myself.

“Will it be okay if I take it out?”, he asked and I could only glance at him. “Okay, I’m gonna take it out Donghae. It’s okay, it’s me, don’t be afraid if I touch you okay?”, slowly he put his fingers into my pocket and digging out the key while keep on talking in a low voice to assure me that everything is alright.

I’ve noticed that he keeps a distance between us, to make sure that there’s only minimal body contact and how he done it for me so I wouldn’t be feeling bad again. It calms me more than his gentle voice, every gesture he made ease me down and I could feel myself breathing again.

“Okay, the door is open now”, he opened the door and gestured to me to come in.

I take a step in and grab on his sleeve, making sure he’s coming with me and not leaving me behind the moment I take a step further in. The smile he gave to me in that moment is something I’ve never seen, it’s so tender and indulgent, “It’s okay Donghae, I won’t leave you, I’m here”.

I tucked his sleeve to tell him to come in. “Wait, I’ll close the door first”, Hyukjae hold my hand while the other close the door and locked it. He turned to me then lead me to the bedroom, opening the door for me and pressed my shoulder slowly to let me sit on the bed.

“You should sleep Donghae, lay down”, he’s crouching in front of me. His hand reaching for my face but I unconsciously pulled away a bit, his hand stopped midair, “it’s okay, I won’t touch you okay? Just lay down”.

I want to tell him that I don’t mind him touching me, but I can’t deny how much my own body betrayed me, I keep on jerking away whenever Hyukjae get too close to me. I want to touch him, I want him to touch me, why is it that my body trembling in fear by the thought? My head hurts so bad I feel nauseas, I want to throw up. Without I’m able to hold it in, my body already gaged up on the floor and some of it fall on Hyukjae’s legs.

Hyukjae my back while I keep on throwing up, “Shh.. shh… it’s okay, throw it up, let it all out so you’ll feel better”.

I can only whimper due to the pain and how kind Hyukjae to me, he’s not even a bit disgusted or pulling away at the sight of me. “Sorry…”, I sobbed feeling guilty.

“It’s okay, don’t mind it, I’ll clean it up later. Don’t think too much about it, Donghae”.

“Hyukkie…”, I sobbed harder.

“What is it? Are you feeling hurt somewhere?”, he leaned in to see my face and wiped my mouth with his shirt.

I shook my head weakly even though my head hurts so bad but I don’t want to bother him further, I sit still.

“How are you feeling? Better? If you are I’ll bring you some clothes to change”.

I looked up to see him in the eyes, “you…”.

“What about me?”.

“You change… first…”.

“Did I smell that bad?”, he back away a bit in surprise.

“No… my…”, I hold up my hand to my mouth.

“Oh, don’t worry about it, let’s fix you up first, okay?”, he stand up and walked across the room towards the wardrobe. “Is it okay if I take a look inside it?”, he asked for my permission.

I nodded and lay down a bit at the edge of the bed. Hyukjae take out a shirt and a sweatpants from the wardrobe, “is this one okay?”.

I muttered my agreement without taking a look. Hyukjae walked back to where I am and crouched by the bedside. “Okay Donghae, come on, let’s get you changed. Can you do it yourself? Or should I help?”, his hand reaching to my shoulder slowly and take a grip on it to support my body up. 

When I sat up on the bed, Hyukjae slowly pull my clothes up and stop whenever my body flinch, he would then hushing me in a gentle manner to ease me up. “Do you want me to wipe your body? Or do you only want to change clothes then go to sleep?”, he asked in a low voice.

I shook my head and Hyukjae immediately clothed me up as to not let me feeling cold, he put me laying down then pulled up the blanket to my chin. He stand up and walking away, I quickly grab his hand and he turned his head to me.

“What is it? Do you need something?”.

I keep looking at him and not letting him go, holding onto him like my life depends on it. Hyukjae caught on, “Donghae, I’m not going anywhere. I’m just going for a bit to clean up the mess, okay?”.

I didn’t respond, holding his hand tighter. “I will let the door open, okay? So you can see that I’m not leaving, I’ll just use your washing machine to clean our clothes”, he smiled at me.

His smile calmed me down and I felt like I could trust his words, so I let go of my grip. He slowly walked backwards as if he’s telling me, ‘see, I’m not going anywhere’. The door left opened and I could see he’s walking back and forth cleaning up the mess I made. He wipe away my vomit tediously and change his clothes with something he borrowed from me.

“Hyukkie”, I called out to him when I saw him preparing to sleep on the sofa.

He walked over to me, “yes? Do you want to drink something?”.

“Stay with me, please…”.

“I am staying with you, Donghae”, he sit down on the floor beside the bed.

“I don’t wanna be alone, don’t leave me…”, I reached out my hand and he hold it back.

“You want me to sleep with you?”, his voice sounds puzzled.

I slide a bit to the other side to left enough space for Hyukjae to climb on. He looked at me searching for certainty, then he climbed up slowly. The moment Hyukjae’s leg come into the blanket my body becoming tensed, my head pounding in pain and my breath choked up, unbeknown to me I let out a whimper. Hyukjae halted, he looked at my face and stayed still for a minute before he finally climb out of the bed. I grabbed on his hand hurriedly, I don’t want him to leave but my body can’t stand on being too close with him, why? Tears build up in my eyes, feeling helpless.

“Donghae, it’s okay, I’m not leaving”.

I stare at his eyes in disbelief.

“Look, I’m staying with you”, he sat down on the floor still holding my hand.

I broke out in cry and sniffing his name feeling sorry.

“Shh, shh… It’s okay, it’s okay Donghae. Just sleep okay? Come on, let us sleep”, he my hair while the other hand keep holding mine. I don’t know how many times has he said ‘it’s okay’ to me, things definitely are not okay, I don’t even have a clue at what happened to me, how could it be okay? But somehow his voice makes me believe that it’s going to be fine, I’m feeling calmer bit by bit until I couldn’t hear Hyukjae’s lullaby anymore.

 

--

 

A warm light coming through the window and fall onto my eyes, waking me up in a gentle manner. For the first time ever I’m not having a nightmare, although my body feel sluggish my mind refreshed. I’m getting up and confused at the heavy feeling on my hand, I looked to the side and gasped. Hyukjae sat on the floor by the bedside with his head laying on the edge of the bed and his hand holding mine.

What happened? Why is he here? I grabbed on my head with my free hand, confused and trying to remember what had happened last night. But I’m just beginning to feel a headache and a nasty feeling from all over my body, I trembled wanting to shake way the feeling.

“Hyukkie, Hyukkie…”, I shook his body slowly to wake him up.

“Hmm”, he mumbled displeased by the disturbance of his sleep.

“Hyukkie”, I called again in a louder voice.

Hyukjae blinking his eyes for a while then jerked up looking at my face, “Donghae, how are you feeling now?”.

“Uhm… I’m fine?”, I answered uncertain. “Why are you here?”, the moment I asked that question I saw shock in Hyukjae’s eyes.

“You don’t remember?”.

“Uh…”, I tried to retrace what happened last night, but it was no use.

“How much do you remember?”.

“I… uh… the train…?”, I answered which made Hyukjae twitched.

“What about the train?”.

“I just remember when we waited for the train to come, then… I don’t know. I woke up with you siting there…”, confused at the missing memory.

He sighed in relieved but clearly he’s not pleased by my answer, “it’s okay, nothing happened last night”.

“How… how did I get here? I mean, why can’t I remember what happened last night?”.

“You… you bumped your head in the train pretty hard, maybe that’s why”, he stuttered a bit.

“Really?”, I reach my hand to the back of my head to examine the damage.

“Woah, woah! Hold it! Don’t touch it or you’ll make it worse!”, he shouted in panic and quickly grabbed my hand, I could feel that his hand was sweating a lot.

“Was it that bad?”, could it be why I feel the pounding pain?

“Yeah! It was… I mean, if it wasn’t hard enough you wouldn’t passed out and not remembering anything right?”, he explained in hasty.

“Oh…”, somewhere deep in my heart I can’t trust at what he just explained to me. “Is there something wrong Hyukkie?”, I asked suspiciously by the way he behave.

“Why, why did you asked that?”, his eyes grow a bit bigger.

“I don’t know, you seemed… off”.

“Off? No, I’m not… Uh, maybe because I slept in these position”, he laughed awkwardly.

“That’s right, why were you siting like that?”, I frowned my eyebrow at the sight of him.

“Right, uh… because I’m worried about you…?”.

“Why did you make it sounds like a question?”.

“I didn’t”, he’s scratching his neck then bring himself up, “We should… have a breakfast”.

Something is definitely strange.

We had breakfast when it was already eleven at noon. I had wanted to make breakfast for the two of us but Hyukjae was reluctant about it and keep on interfering, saying that he wanted to help me which made me even more confused. While we were eating breakfast no one said anything, there’s silence hanging in the air but to my surprise there’s no weird distance that Hyukjae always put between us before. What happened last night that had changed Hyukjae? And why did I fear at the atmosphere between us?

I was siting in the living room watching TV until I noticed that Hyukjae was nowhere to be seen, “Hyukkie?”.

There was no reply. Suddenly I couldn’t hear anything, the sound of the TV is fading away and an intense feeling haunted me. “Hyukkie?”, I called again, still no respond. I shot up, my body started to tremble, my heart beating faster and there’s a choked up feeling.

“Hyukkie!”, I screamed in fear.

Then Hyukjae ran up to me coming from the bathroom, “I’m here Donghae, I’m here, shh… shh…”.

In no time all the bad feeling leaves me, I’m so relieved to see him. “Hyukkie”, I reached out to him wanting to hug him.

Hyukjae stiffened but with his hand outstretched to let me hug him, “shh, it’s okay”.

When I hugged him, my body jolted, a sudden flash of images come into my mind and I jumped back. Scared by the abstract images and the intense terrifying feeling that creeping up in my heart, I stood still not moving searching for explanation. What is this feeling? I looked up to Hyukjae to see him back away a bit and putting his hands down.

“Donghae… it’s okay, come on you should sit down”, he said in the gentlest voice I’ve ever heard of him.

I sat down on the sofa still looking at Hyukjae, he walked a bit closer to me but keeping his distance. I tried to breathe in and out slowly to feel better and relaxed.

“That’s right, adjust your breathing Donghae, calm down… Everything is alright”, he’s crouching in front of me.

After a while I’m starting to feel fine and Hyukjae smiled in relief, why does he seem to be used to this? Shouldn’t normally he asked me what just happened? Not that I know the answer.

“Are you okay?”, he asked tilting his head.

I nodded, “what’s happening with me?”.

He didn’t answer me right away and stares at me, “you’re probably tired”.

Tired? But I’ve just woke up!

“Were you calling me?”.

A sudden rush of blood chilling my body, “I thought you’re gone…”.

He chuckled weakly, “silly Donghae, I’m not going to leave you without saying anything”.

“You’re going to leave me?”.

His face tensed as if he had said something wrong, “I mean when I’m going home, Donghae”.

“You’re going home?”, maybe my voice sounds a bit more sadder than I want it to be because Hyukjae’s face softened so much it looked almost like he’s holding a tears.

“Donghae, I can’t always stay here right? Of course I will go home. Well, I’m going to college first before going home though”.

“You’re going to college? I’m coming with you”.

“What?”

“I’m coming with you”, I tried to stand up.

“No, you’re not, sit down”, Hyukjae’s hand pulled my hand and make me sit back down. He sighed, “no Donghae, you can’t. You should take a rest”.

“But-“.

“No buts, you’re staying here and get some rest, okay?”, he patted my knees like he’s actually talking to some sulking child.

“What if I got a class too today?”.

“Do you?”.

“I did”, I looked at the clock on the wall.

“Really?”.

“Really, that’s why we should go together”.

“That’s still a no, no Donghae. Take a day off”.

I jerked up my eyebrows, why is it that Hyukjae is getting very casual with me now? He wouldn’t care about what I want to do before, usually he would always let me be while keeping his distance, why is it that suddenly he seems to care a lot about me?

“Why?”, I asked.

“Because you need to rest”, he explained again patiently.

“Why is that?”.

“What if you’re feeling bad again when you’re outside? It could happen when I’m not with you, will you be okay with that?”.

Again I felt a chill on my body, somehow the thought of not having Hyukjae with me is just… absurd. “No…”, I lowered my gaze.

“See? So you should stay home okay? Promise me”, he’s my knees.

“But…”, I’m ready to give him more excuses to let him bring me along but his gaze darkened when I said ‘but’.

“If you’re so insisted about coming with me, you should. But I won’t be meeting you again”.

“What?”, I couldn’t believe what he just said and that one sentence made my body tremble. “No, no Hyukjae…”, I grabbed on his hands.

“Then listen to me, really…”, he sighed. “I’m just worried about you”, he held back my hands and it.

I nodded and sniffed, why is it that I fell into this pathetic state whenever the thought of Hyukjae leaving me come into my mind? “I’ll stay…”, I said while sniffing.

Hyukjae my hair gently, “Sorry, I won’t leave you Donghae, but you have to listen to me. I’m worried about you”.

“Can I call you?” I looked up and see him in the eyes.

“Donghae…”

“Please… I’ll be alone in this room after you left”.

He looked