That night was something I can’t describe. Donghae’s condition was, in chaos. He’s been delirious from the moment I’ve gotten him out from the train. He could barely walk and dragging his feet, sometimes I have a hard time to hold him up because he was slipping out from my grip. No matter what I say to him, he didn’t react at all. He kept on muttering that he wanted to go home, again and again. It was when I told him that he’s home that he’s eventually responding to me.

He seemed very fragile and just at a little touch he would flinch and I could see fear in his eyes. But he wouldn’t let me go, his hand keep on holding onto me. I wonder if he’s ever be like this with someone else, but then I remembered how Heechul always said that I’m the first person Donghae ever get attached to. Then why? What did he see in me that made him unable to part with me?

It’s sadden me to see the condition he’s in. How I felt my heart crushed every time he wouldn’t let me go even for a minute and look at me with his pleading eyes. I want to embrace him, I want to give him some affection to let him know that he’s not alone. But I can’t, he wouldn’t let me. So how in the world should I tell him that he’s not alone and that I won’t leave him? Because mere words didn’t seemed to convince him.

The next morning was even more horrible, he had forgotten everything. He had no memory at all about last night and somehow I felt a bit cheated. But it was for the best, whatever horror he experienced that night are best left forgotten. I don’t want him to breakdown again if the memory ever coming back. I told him that he got hit by the head, it’s a lie but definitely better than telling him that he was a mess last night. Whenever he reach his hand to his head I would feel uneasy because he will find out that I was lying to him.

Even though he had forgotten about it, his mind seemed to still in a frantic state. He would flinch now and then, scratching his neck so many times and blinking nervously. I’ve noticed that he’s not even aware of his own state. I keep on following him everywhere and insisted to help him with whatever he’s doing, I’m worried that he would suddenly fell back to that state again. The state he was in last night definitely took a blow on me.

It was when I goes to the bathroom to took our clothes sneakily –because Donghae would be even more curious why I had to wash my clothes at his home- that I heard his screaming. I jolted, the images of last night flashing through my mind, it’s so terrible that I run on my feet to where he is. I was relieved when I saw that his condition was fine. He reach out for me, I wasn’t sure to let him hug me, wouldn’t he be afraid again? But he seemed fine, so I let him. It was a mistake.

He jolted back and the terrified face from last night painted his face again. Damn, now I’ve done it, he would be in a frenzy state again. But to my surprise he’s able to control himself better now, gradually he’s looking up at me and I know he was feeling good enough. He seemed confused at himself, not knowing what’s happening, I had to speculate that whatever it is in the past that had caused him to be like this is something himself didn’t remember.

But what is it that triggers him to that state? Maybe he was claustrophobic at the train, but he’s home now and I’ve made sure that the lamp is always light up. Then what is it? Is it human touch he’s afraid of? But he was reaching out to me wanting to hug me? Or is it… me he’s afraid of?

But then, he’s getting even more clingy towards me, he wouldn’t let me out of his sight. Even if he did, he would then called me. After a while he was getting better, letting me go home and didn’t react too much about it. I was relieved that he seemed to be back to his usual self. But it wasn’t long until he started calling me every day, texts coming in all day mostly asking where I’m and what I’m doing. It  felt like he’s monitoring me, it takes a toll on me.

Deep down I know, I didn’t really mind it. Even when usually this kind of behavior will only scared the hell out of me, but this time it didn’t. Maybe it’s his vulnerable side that makes me didn’t mind it, I felt like he can’t be left alone and I wanted to be there for him. His attachment for me is something so intense, like he’s actually obsessed with me, but it didn’t repulsed me.

“Hyukjae”, a voice called out to me breaking my dazed mind.

“Hyung…”, I saw Heechul standing by the class door.

“We need to talk”, he swinging his hand telling me to follow him.

Somewhere in my mind I already know what is it he wanted to talk about with me. So I followed him and we sat together at the college’s cafeteria.

“I guess you know what is it I’m gonna talk about”, he started straight to the topic while looking down at the table.

“It’s about Donghae isn’t it? He told you already?”.

“Did you hug him?”.

“What?”.

“Did you, like, your body being too close with him?”.

I gaped at him, “…was it the body contact?”.

“Well, I don’t really know for sure. Back then in high school I’ve witnessed him being… lunatic. It happened when his class was having P.E., they were having a soccer match and when they won… all the guys hugging each other, then he’s instantly went frenzy. After that I’ve learnt that the teachers did warned by Donghae’s parent about his extreme wariness towards physical contact, and that they forgot to take note of it when the P.E. incident happened. Don’t ask me how I know this”.

“I thought he was claustrophobic and his reaction towards body contact only due to his mind still in a frantic state and he’s extremely sensitive about his surrounding…”.

“What’s exactly happened that night?”.

“Uh, I guess it’s because of me then… We were going home and the train we get on was so full of people, we kept on being pushed around until we’re stuck at the door. Actually at that time his face already looked pale, I thought it was because of us being pushed around. So I raise both of my hands and rested it on the door, I put it around Donghae to hold off people so he wouldn’t feel worse. But… I guess I did made it worse”.

“It was full of people? Well then, it’s not necessarily your fault. Not to mention you didn’t know anything about his condition”.

“Even so… What is it about him? What happened?”, I couldn’t shake the guilty feeling that I might be the cause of his breakdown.

“Unfortunately I don’t know. All I know is that this kind of incident did happened for several times, the worse one is that P.E. incident though”.

“How was… his condition at that time?”.

“…How to say this, he was… At first he went crazed, kicking around and screaming out something incoherent, his skin color went so pale and his body was so cold even though it was in the middle of summer! The teachers had to dragged him inside to the school building, after that all the student was strictly told to go back to the class, so we don’t know what happened after that. The next day I visited him at his house and his condition was… horrible”.

“How?”

“You know, it wasn’t a pretty sight, I’m still shivering just remembering it”.

“Was he crying hard? His body shaking?”.

“He looked dead. He looked like an empty shell, he just sat on the bed not moving at all. I almost couldn’t see if he was breathing or not that time”.

I gasped and cover my mouth with my hands, I could barely imagine the sight, it was much more horrible than what I’ve witnessed.

“And that state of his stayed for… a month or so. When he’s back to school, he looked fine like nothing bad ever happened to him. Everyone at school was told he’s infected by tetanus, because that’s the only illness that could explain the insanity he had displayed a month before”.

“Tetanus…?”

“Obviously his parents doesn’t want anyone to know that their son has a mental illness, I bet only the teachers know. They think all the students are stupid enough to understand, well I’m not”.

“How did he get better?”.

“I don’t know, actually no one is allowed to visit him, so I also don’t know what happened that whole month that he’s able to get better”.

“But you…”.

“You know me Hyukjae, I’m a peeping tom, ahahaha!”, Heechul pinch my cheek while laughing hard.

“Ah! Ah! Stop that! Aish… seriously though, you’re trespassing?”.

“Yah don’t say it like that, I’m just peeing through his window. I’m really curious after all, what the teachers told us doesn’t make any sense to me, so… yeah”.

“How was he when he’s back to school?”

“He’s fine, ah, but he didn’t remember at all about that P.E. incident, just like he did now”.

“…no one wondering about that?”.

“Maybe one or two, but the good thing is he doesn’t have many friends. He used to have many, but after a while they just left him alone, well you how he is. Most of them thought that he doesn’t remember because he’s already under the influence of the illness”.

“Well, how convenience… So it happened just at that one time?”.

“I’m not really sure about that, he often absent for a week or so without any apparent reason, I had to guess that those have something to do with his condition”.

“Well, you’ve been a good friend huh, going as far as trespassing”.

“No, I wasn’t. I didn’t even know him at that time”.

“What?” I’m surprised at what he just said, my eyes widened.

“I’m his senior, you think? I was just curious about this crazy person I saw on the school yard, so I did that peeping. After that… I couldn’t help myself for digging around for some information about him, it was tightly secured though. And then, I just can’t leave him alone, I befriend him and I know that he need someone to be by his side”.

“I see…”, I left my mouth opened.

“Then you came along”.

“What? Me?”, I pointed at myself.

“I had my doubt, you know. You’re pretty defensive towards people and he never put any interest in people, I thought that nothing would ever be going on with that kind of people”.

“That kind of people…”, I repeated a bit annoyed.

He chuckled before continuing, “yet Donghae being very offensive, he keep coming to you like he’s possessed by something. I couldn’t believe what I’m seeing, but it’s happening. I thought, finally… he could be saved”.

“Saved? What, I didn’t do anything! You sure I could do this?”.

“I’ve talked it over with Jungsu, we both think that you could make it right for him. And you did”, he patted my shoulder and it slowly.

“Huh, I did?”, I gasped.

“You managed to bring him back in just one day, that’s something”.

“But I… Maybe, it’s just a coincidence…”.

“I’ve never heard of him being fine in just one day, the shortest time was a week, I know”.

“…I was just tending to him, I can’t… It’s unbearable to see his condition”.

“How was he that night?”.

“He was a mess, he kept crying and not letting me go, he even throw up. I can’t imagine what is it he’s dealing with. I just want to cradle him and soothe him, but I can’t even do that”, I grabbed my head in frustration.

“You really care for him, huh?”.

“Of course I do”.

“It’s crazy how it’s seemed like both of you acted the opposite towards each other of how you’re usually did. It takes me about half a year before you come around yet you almost immediately opened up yourself to him. And how he never look for other people no matter how close they may seemed yet he’s the first one to run chasing after you. It seems fated, don’t you think?”.

“What are you saying?”

“What I’m saying is, something you least expected is the one would come true. And I’d say you’re fond of him in a different way than I did to him”, he smirked.

“What’s different?”.

“I think of him as my brother, but you… I can see you-“.

“Hyukkie!”, someone shouted out my name and cut Heechul off. Reflectively I turn to the source of the voice, I saw someone running towards us but I couldn’t quite see the face. When he’s close enough for me to see, I realize that my guess is right, it was Donghae. He was running at full speed towards us, was he wanted to see me that much? I chuckled at the thought.

“Donghae, you were on your way home?” I asked with a smile which I can’t get rid of. But then, he seems hesitant the moment I greet him. Why? Did he goes back to his frantic state? He didn’t answer when I asked him if there’s anything wrong, I’m getting even more uneasy. He slowly siting down at the chair beside me, I had to pull away a bit to make sure he won’t get worse because we’re too close.

When he finally talk, I sighed in relieved, he was okay. I’ve noticed that his face looked a bit pale though, so I asked him to get some food and how I had to threaten him to do that. He would then looked down because my face was too scary, I found his reaction was too cute, I want to pinch his cheek.

Donghae asked what is it that Heechul and I’ve been talking about, I couldn’t possibly told him, right? So I brushed him off, but doing so only result to him sulking and refuse to eat, really this guy, how old is he? But I didn’t find it annoying, I found it adorable even the way he’s sulking and it made me wonder about what Heechul was saying to me. He was talking about this feeling of mine towards Donghae, is it…?

--

“I need to talk to you Jungsu hyung”, I said abruptly before letting the man leave the class room.

“…Alright”, he answered a bit uncertain, maybe confused by my serious tone.

He started walking out the class but I stop him, “Wait, let’s talk here. There wouldn’t be anymore lecture here, right? I don’t think the cafeteria is a good place”.

“Why so?”

“Donghae… Donghae always managed to find me there”.

“Oh, okay. Is this talk about Donghae?” he sat down at the nearest chair.

I nodded and sat beside him.

“I’d heard that he always come running to you whenever you’re at the cafeteria, everybody talking about it”.

“Yeah…”, I gulped.

“…With someone”, he added in a low voice.

“What?”.

“He only came running to you whenever you’re at the cafeteria with someone else, I heard”.

“Really?”.

“Yeah, the person in the question usually didn’t realize it. But it’s true, he would walk over normally when you’re alone and come running when you’re not. He’s jealous isn’t he?”

“But… He was always smiling when he reached me… Wait, it actually makes sense in some part”.

“You’re loved aren’t you?” he giggles.

“Well, I’m actually wanted to talk about that. What do you think he sees me as?”

“Hmm, he likes you for sure. Why not ask him in person? I wouldn’t know”.

“You see, don’t you think that he’s weird with me? I mean, he’s so attached to me even though I’ve never done anything to him, don’t you think it’s weird? There’s got to be something behind it, I want to know, it could mean anything”.

“Like I said, I wouldn’t know about it”.

“But I can’t just ask him hyung, that’s out of the question. He barely even aware of what’s happening