Hyukjae could feel himself getting sleepier while driving, he know it’s not good but he can’t help wanting to go home as fast as he can. He was a bit relieved, feeling somehow a bit of his burden is lifted from his shoulder thus all the tiredness came rushing into him like no tomorrow. He’s considering to take a rest first before driving again going home, he’s been driving all days –or more like two days in row- after all, but seeing that the psychiatrist’s clinic is at his city, he just want to be there. But two cups of coffee didn’t help at all, his eyelids getting heavier by the minutes, so he’s been contemplating to pull over and rest a bit in his car.

Before he could do what he intended, his phone rang. He look at the digital clock at his dashboard and frowned upon it, it’s quite late who the hell is calling him at this time? He answer the call without checking the dialer id first, thinking it might be some kind of an urgent call considering the time.

“Hello?” he answered with confused tone.

“Hyukjae, where are you?” the voice asked from the other line a bit worried.

“I’m driving right now, who’s this?”

“It’s me, Jongwoon! Look, you gotta get back now”.

Hyukjae frowned deeper, why would his apartment neighbor called him at this time? Yes, they’re pretty close but they barely ever call each other’s phone. “Why? Something happened?”

“I’m in a hospital right now and I don’t know the guy, so you better get here quickly”, the man said anxiously as if he didn’t hear Hyukjae’s question.

“Hospital? What guy?”, Hyukjae couldn’t make out of anything from Jongwoon’s answer.

“I don’t know! He’s been banging on your door, screaming your name and it scared the hell out of me!”, the man yelled.

“Woah, wait, wait, wait- I didn’t have any debt? Are you telling me there’s a debt collector or any sort of thug in front of my room? Wait, you’re in hospital because he hurt you?”

“You tell me! I don’t know what he is, but I think he’s not the bad kind… He’s crying rather than screaming your name… But I was afraid to take a look, so I stayed inside, but then a few minutes later it got silent, so I took a peek. And I found him lying unconscious in front of your door! Seriously, I had to take him to hospital because he was so cold! What are you getting yourself into?!”

Then Hyukjae felt his bloodcurdling and chills all over his body, “was he… a guy about my size, his skin a bit tan and he-“.

“I didn’t really take a note about his appearance, I was rushing him to the hospital! But yeah, his body size is about the same as you, though maybe he’s fuller and a bit shorter than you”.

. Hyukjae didn’t need to confirm any further, he knows who the person is. What is Donghae doing at his apartment anyway? Didn’t the man said it himself that he didn’t want to see Hyukjae? So why now, when Hyukjae is not where he should be? Did Donghae somehow sensed it? Like he usually did?

Hyukjae gasped noticing his trembling hands, he’s feeling scared, so much that he didn’t even realize he hadn’t been breathing for a while now.

“How is he?”, Hyukjae asked trying to sound composed which he failed at it.

“I don’t know, the doctor hasn’t said anything, I brought him to emergency room”.

“Can you… Can you stay there? Please keep me inform about his condition”.

“Uh…”, he paused for a moment, “Maybe I can… Who is he?”.

“He’s my… friend”, Hyukjae answered unsure, “no, he’s someone very important to me”.

“Oh…”.

“Which hospital?”, Hyukjae asked speeding up his car feeling all sleepiness gone.

--

He hurried his step in the hospital’s hall, ignoring all the glares some nurses giving to him, there’s only one thing in his mind, Donghae. It’s been a couple of hours since the last call he made with Jongwoon, he can’t wait to know how is Donghae’s condition right now.

“Hyukjae, finally! What took you so long?”, Jongwoon protested impatiently.

“I was out from the city, sorry. How is he?”, Hyukjae gasping for breathes after all the rushing and trying to calm down his nerves.

“He’s still out, as I told you before that the doctor said that he’s having hypoxia and malnutrition so he’s passed out. What’s hypoxia anyway?”.

“It’s what happens when someone oxygen deprived, but malnutrition?”, Hyukjae still can’t believe what he heard, shaking his head, he had been very careful to make sure the younger is always eating yet this. “You said that you found him in front of my room?”.

“Yeah! Damn, I was out of my wits! He’s banging on your door like some crazy guy and screaming your name! What the hell is he??”.

Hyukjae bit his lips hard, terrified to imagine the scene, he knows I wasn’t there.

“Hyukjae!”, Jongwoon called trying to gain attention from Hyukjae.

“I’m sorry, he’s my friend… Thank you for helping him”, Hyukjae bowed sincerely for Jongwoon to be there helping Donghae despite he’s a stranger.

“Anyone would do the same if they saw the state that he’s in, really”, Jongwoon sighed, “is he…? I don’t know… uh”.

Hyukjae smiled bitterly knowing what the other is asking him about, “he’s not crazy or on drugs, come on it’s late already and I’m very grateful for everything, but maybe you should go home and take a rest, I’ll take it from here”.

“You should see your face first before saying that, your face looks horrible”.

“Really? That bad?”, Hyukjae bring up his hand to his face.

“You look like zombie, you didn’t get involved in some did you?”, Jongwoon asked worriedly.

“No… No I’m not”, Hyukjae smiled weakly.

“For real?”.

“It’s just a storm before a rainbow, some said it to me… and I believe in that”.

Jongwoon nodded despite he didn’t fully understand, “just don’t forget I’m here for you”.

“Yeah, just go home now”, Hyukjae chuckled.

Then Jongwoon walked away after giving Hyukjae a pat on the shoulder.

Hyukjae went into the emergency room -Donghae haven’t been put into a regular room- and he inspecting every bed in the room to find the one he’s searching for, the one that holds his fate. His breath hitched for a quick moment when he saw Donghae laying motionlessly on the second furthest bed in the emergency room.

Donghae looked so pale and there’s an oxygen mask covering his nose and mouth. Hyukjae bit his lips upon the sight, his eyes getting watery feeling guilty that he’s the cause of the younger’s condition.

I’m sorry I didn’t get back soon enough, Hyukjae cried in his heart.

He took Donghae’s hand and shocked at how cold it is, he quickly bring his ear close to Donghae’s mouth to make sure if the younger is still breathing, relieved when he’s able to feel air coming in and out of Donghae brushing against his cheek. He took a look at Donghae’s face once again, exploring the younger’s face with a mixed feelings. Sad, guilty, worry and love.

He cupped Donghae’s face with both of his hands, look at the younger for so long as if he’s waiting for the other to open his eyes, but he didn’t. Hyukjae bring his face closer, so close that his forehead resting on Donghae’s, just at that little touch his feelings come flooding into him to the brim. Hyukjae then placed his lips on Donghae’s forehead, slowly and didn’t let go. It was not just a peck, not just a kiss, he put his entire being into the little act, tears rolling down his cheeks. He put his love, because Donghae is all it is, his love.

Hyukjae pulled away and instead press his forehead on Donghae’s again, since when love hurts this much? But he’s not letting it go, he won’t let it go despite all the pain. Because he knows it, that Donghae is not willing to let him go too, that the younger actually holds the same feeling as him. He just knows it.

“They are right, I should have seen it already”, Hyukjae chuckled bitterly, “Your feelings, you’ve already left all the bread crumbs on the road for me to take the hint. I’m sorry it took me so long, but I know it now, even though you push me away, I know what is it that you actually want”.

Hyukjae kiss both of Donghae’s eyes gently as if a slight brush of his lips could hurt the younger, “I won’t back away, not anymore as long as what’s in your heart stay true no matter how you may react differently on the outside”.

--

It was seven in the morning, when Donghae already moved to a regular room because his condition is stable enough despite the younger still haven’t regain consciousness, and that Hyukjae made up his mind to make the phone call to the psychiatrist, Dr. Henry Lau. The psychiatrist’s clinic wasn’t that far from where they are, so Hyukjae thought that maybe the doctor could come to see him, because he couldn’t possibly left Donghae all alone at the hospital, could he? He didn’t have it in his mind to call over Jungsu or Heechul, his mind were already far too loaded to even think straight anymore, not to mention the lack of sleep, his brain is in the verge of going all haywire.

He punched the dial and wait in terror, he didn’t even know what to say to the psychiatrist, he’s merely doing what’s in his mind spontaneously.

“Good morning, this is Dr. Henry”, a voice answered after the third ring.

“G- Good morning doctor, uh… I’m Lee Hyukjae…?”, Hyukjae stuttered trying to figure out what to say.

“Yes, may I help you?”.

“Uh, yeah… Uhm, uh… I…”, Hyukjae bit his lip, how should he start? Should he just mention Donghae’s name? What if the doctor actually forgot about Donghae?

“It’s okay, take your time to talk”, the voice said calmly as if he’s talking to one of his crazy patient, but Hyukjae didn’t blame him, he does sounds like a crazy person.

Hyukjae exhales, “I’m sorry, uh… I’m Lee Donghae’s friend…?”.

It got silent, not even a breathing could be heard and Hyukjae had to pulled away from his phone just to see if his call is still connected.

“Donghae?”, finally the voice asked.

“No, no I’m Lee Hyukjae, Donghae’s friend”.

“What happened to him?”, the other asked immediately.

Hyukjae’s eyebrows jerked up, how did he know there’s something up? “Well, uh… He’s actually in a hospital now after one of his breakdown…?”.

“Which hospital?”

It only take the man about forty minutes to reach the hospital and the moment he laid his eyes on a man sitting on a bench just right in front of Donghae’s hospital room, he know who he is.

“Lee Hyukjae-shi?”, he called to the seated man.

Hyukjae a bit startled having his name called, “Huh? Oh, uh… Dr. Henry?”.

“Just Henry, I’m here as Donghae’s friend after all. How is he?”.

“He’s fine, the doctor said that there’s nothing wrong with him anymore, but somehow he’s not awake yet”, Hyukjae sighed, “which is strange”.

Henry gazed through the small glass of the hospital’s door room to see Donghae’s figure.

“I can’t believe that he’s this close after all this time…”, he murmurs.

“What?”.

“Can I see him?”, the man asked turning his gaze to Hyukjae.

“Oh, yeah sure”, Hyukjae quickly opened the door for Henry to come in.

Henry step in closer to Donghae’s bedside in a quick yet quiet step. The moment he could see Donghae’s face, his eyes glint with amazement and relief.

“Look at how grown you are…”, he said happily.

It such an intimate display even though it’s just a one sided talk, but it’s obvious to see that the man gaze at Donghae longingly, yet it didn’t make Hyukjae jealous, because he understand the man feelings. Donghae is the man’s long lost friend after all, the one that he’s been wanting to help after all those years.

“You said that he’s experiencing breakdowns?”, the man asked suddenly.

“Uh, yes… He is”.

“Like what?”.

Hyukjae told Henry all what happened since Donghae’s first breakdown occurred up until last night incident, he also mentioning the incident Heechul told him in the younger’s high school days, the man keep listening carefully and nodding every now and then.

“How did you know about me?”, Henry asked.

Hyukjae in his lips before handing out the folder he received from Donghae’s orphanage.

“This is…”, shock evident in the man’s eyes.

“It’s a copy of Donghae’s record, I got it from the orphanage and the lady kindly gave me your contact number”.

Henry looked up to Hyukjae with his mouth slightly open, “you didn’t called me just to inform his well being, did you?”

Hyukjae shook his head slowly, unsure if he did the right thing.

“You are not just his friend, aren’t you?”, a small smile formed on the man’s face.

Hyukjae gaped in disbelief at the doctor and about to stutter incoherent things before the man look back to where Donghae is laying.

“You said that he fell into that state after he found out you’re not at home?”

Hyukjae cleared his throat, “…Uh, yeah… I think so”.

“Why do you think that is?”, Henry turn his gaze back to Hyukjae.

“Uh… Because I break the promise?”

“Because he’s afraid of losing you”, Henry stated calmly, “I’m guessing that right now he’s in the exact same state as he is years ago just right after the accident”.

Hyukjae titling his head and frown, “how so?”

“The thing is, he is not afraid of you, Hyukjae-shi”, the psychiatrist smile bitterly, “the way I see it that he’s afraid to love again”.

Hyukjae felt his heart beating so hard and his breath choked at the words, he couldn’t give any respond but the man in front of him know it already.

“He lost his loved ones from that car accident, becoming an empty shell. Then he learnt to socialize again, but you told me that he’s actually never have a close relationship and stay