I believe you could love me

But you're lost on the road to misery

And what I gave to you, I could never get back

Don't complicate it, don't drive yourself insane

The shadows of your heart are hanging in the sweet, sweet air

The secrets that you hide, control us and it's just not fair

Skylar Grey – I Know You

“Do you remember Henry, Donghae?” Hyukjae started carefully with a low voice, it was such a calm nice morning and he don’t want to ruin it. Pouring himself and the other a hot tea because they need to avoid coffee as the liquid stimulates nerves which could agitated them and that definitely not good.

Donghae look up from his just-out-of-the-pan sunny side up egg and sausages, “Henry? Who is that?”

“I see… So you don’t remember him…” Hyukjae muttered much to his rising nervousness, not knowing how to break the news. He didn’t even know if it’s okay to let Donghae know that he know about his past, will Donghae be mad? Or will he understand? But that will bring up the fact that Hyukjae left him before. How to say it without making it a mess?

“…is he someone that can help me?” Donghae asked in a whisper.

“What?”

“You said… Last night that you will bring me to someone… I figured that maybe that someone can help me? Is he called Henry?” He said with apparent uncertainty.

Hyukjae smiled, “yeah, he’s the guy I want you to meet.” He walks closer to Donghae, slowly reaching out his hand to the latter, “can I touch you?”

Donghae lower his gaze, exhaling deep as he eventually nod and letting Hyukjae to hold his hand. Eyes shifting around everywhere but Hyukjae’s eyes, no matter how much he wants to he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He found it that simple touches to his hands, face and head is quite okay, even if sometimes it scare him a bit, it’s not so much that he couldn’t handle it. Beside, he actually loves the warmth that radiating from the touch and eventually it could calm him a bit.

Hyukjae the smooth skin by his thumb gently, making sure Donghae had the time to relax and give in to the touch before he continue talking. It took a minute until Donghae exhaling again, but this time it was more even and his shoulders drop indicating the latter had relaxed enough.

“It’s not just you Donghae” he started slowly, “We are in this together… He is going to help you, to help us.”

Although Donghae hanging his head low, Hyukjae could still see how the younger smiling silently. It’s not much, but those words mostly expressed their relationship. That it’s not just Hyukjae helping Donghae or Donghae asking for help, but it was mutual and they are together.

“Okay,” Donghae whispered, “is he your friend…?”

“Well… Yeah, kinda…” Hyukjae scratching his neck with his other hand.

“Wait, if he’s your friend, then why did you asked me if I remember him?” he asked with a deep frown, still not looking to Hyukjae’s eyes.

The older sighed deeply, “it’s… kind of hard to explain… Can you promise no matter how angry you’re with me, you will not run out from this room?”

“What?” Donghae look up to Hyukjae, he chose to stare at the older’s mouth.

“Or you can run to your bedroom and lock yourself there… I just don’t want you to go out there where it’s hard for me to search for you. And it’s not safe…”

“Hyukkie, what the hell are you talking about?”

“Well, I don’t know how you react if you’re angry… If you’re like me, which when I’m angry I would run to places, I want to make sure you’re not going to run outside… If you’re not… well, as long as you’re not going to hurt yourself I’m okay,” Hyukjae blabbered.

Donghae sighed, “I’m getting even more confused, maybe you could just say it…. Maybe I won’t react at all.”

“You most definitely will with what I’m going to say.”

The younger slowly lifting up his gaze, eyeing at the older for a few seconds before looking away as his body trembled. “Are you doing something you’re not suppose to?” he asked.

“…Kind of,” Hyukjae muttered lowly.

Donghae sighed again even deeper this time, “I don’t know if I’m gonna like this or not… But maybe if I know why you did that, I might be okay with it.”

Hyukjae stared at Donghae, even though the latter aren’t looking at him he could tell the certainty in the spoken tone. He’s wondering, how long has it been since last they could have a calm conversation like this? Even though the fear still very much there in the younger’s eyes, it’s not denied anymore, the fear was already something they both know and in some way coexisting with what they have. Before, it was something foreign to them, something with no explanation and as they both fear it they also deny it. It’s strange how much acceptance could cause so much change in their relationship.

“I did it for me,” Hyukjae eventually said, he tighten his grip on Donghae’s hand, “because I want this… I know I could just simply walk away from the start, when things still okay… But I can’t. Thinking back, I guess I’ve already drawn to you from the start. I just want to protect the clueless and careless person named Lee Donghae.”

“You’re pitying me…” Donghae whispered with a pained tone.

“My feelings to you are many things Donghae, but it’s not pity… Just like you get attached to me, I too, attached to you. Just like you need me, I need you too.”

“Why would you…? I don’t even know what the hell is wrong with me, I’m crazy… I-I’m bothering you, annoying you all the time… H-how could you…?” he asked, sniffing as tears forming in his eyes.

“I just did. I don’t know how, I don’t even know why, but the feeling is definitely there,” Hyukjae bring his hand up to brush the younger’s hair lovingly, “maybe it was your smiles, maybe it was your eyes even though now I couldn’t see it… But still I love it.”

Donghae look up to the older again, letting himself gazing into the depth of Hyukjae’s eyes, the dark brown irises. All the affection, sadness, hope and despair are there, shown to him with no boundary, no restriction. He’s sinking into it, it was bottomless and fear washes him as he tried to let himself drown. He look away for he couldn’t handle the fear. It was all familiar, he knew the feeling and this one is stronger than what he had known before. Ironically the stronger the feeling the stronger the fear is gonna be.

“Donghae,” Hyukjae called the younger gently, “trust me, I’m not going anywhere. I will always be with you, because you are where I belong. Can you trust me?”

Donghae stare back only to look away again, he still couldn’t do it, there is still something deep inside him denying it. He close his eyes, exhaling deep as his hand touching the older’s face and bring it closer to his, resting his forehead to Hyukjae’s slowly but full of feelings as to answer the question. Their hot breathes mixing in the middle, warming their faces and the contact was all they ever need to convey everything wordlessly. What they have is deep, close yet so far, but it’s still there nonetheless.

“I’m sorry…” Hyukjae whispered, “all I want was to make it better… And the only thing I could think of was to know what happened with you… What has caused you to be like this, I’m sorry.”

“What did you do?” Donghae answered back in whisper.

The older took a deep breath and exhale it before finally answered, “I searched for your past.”

There is a moment of silence, but they stayed in the same position, only Donghae opens his eyes in shock and confusion, “what?”

“I’m sorry, I know I have no right to do that… But I need to, to know how we should make it right.”

Donghae pulled away, staring at the older’s face with unreadable face, “why…?”

“Because I figured it was your past that caused things to be like this,” Hyukjae explained carefully not wanting for the younger to take it wrongly.

“You pity me, aren’t you…? Because I’m an orphan-“

“Do you think I would drive miles just because of pity? And I drove those miles even before I knew that fact, can’t you trust me Donghae?” Hyukjae said in desperation, cupping the younger’s face to bring it closer.

“Hyukkie… I want to, but I-I can’t believe it… It just doesn’t make sense how can you not hate me after all I’ve done to you,” he sobbed.

“I’ve done you wrong too Donghae, maybe you don’t know but I did, and did you hate me? No, right?”

“B-but I-“

“Can’t you feel it Donghae? Can’t you just feel my feeling? Please don’t deny it, I know you’re scared, but please at least accept it the way it is, trust me. It just happen, it’s there and there’s no explanation to say. Please Donghae, trust me just the way I am…” the older digging his fingers into Donghae’s hair affectionately, trying to make his point across.

Eventually Donghae nodded after minutes of silence, “okay.”

Hyukjae sighed in relief, he knows that the younger only meant half of that ‘okay’, but it was enough for him. As long as Donghae’s subconscious took control, he wouldn’t be able to fully accept Hyukjae’s feeling. It’s good enough that Donghae’s subconscious didn’t deny Hyukjae wholly, because as Henry said it, he’s a threat to Donghae’s already broken heart.

“What did you find…?” Donghae asked after a moment.

Hyukjae his lips nervously, “I met Henry… He’s your friend back in the orphanage. And… Your past before it.”

Donghae frowned, “I don’t remember any Henry…”

“What did you remember? Can you remember something?”

“What do you mean?” he frown deeper.

“Can you remember anything before you got into the orphanage?” Hyukjae pulled away a bit to inspect the younger’s face, making sure he’s not going to trigger something.

“Well, I…” Donghae stop talking, confusion shows clearly on his face, keep frowning as his eyes staring blankly, “…I-I can’t remember…” He looks up to Hyukjae, eyes searching for an answer.

“I know… That’s what we need to work on,” the older nodded in understanding.

“…What?”

“Donghae, I can just tell you all about it, but I don’t want to risk it-“

“What do you mean risk it?” Donghae asked a bit panic.

“Calm down… It’s okay, calm down Donghae, breathe…” Hyukjae prompting the younger to settle his breathing, “it’s okay… Everything will be fine. I can only tell you that all we experiencing is somehow connected to your past. Your breakdowns, your fear towards me, how you can’t come too close to other people… all of it.”

Donghae’s eyes darting around, insecurity painted all over him as he unconsciously take a step back away from Hyukjae.

“Donghae…” the older pleaded, unsure of what to say.

“Everything is never okay, isn’t it Hyukkie? I always thought there is something wrong with me… There are times when I found myself at somewhere else or even the days just passed in a blink of an eye. Like that night when you brought me home, I have no memory at all. And what breakdowns? Are you saying I did something? Did I became insane?” he utter trembling with eyes wet with tears.

“Donghae-“

“Is it those times when I can’t remember anything that the breakdowns happened? W-why didn’t you tell me?” he whimpered, trying to hide his face with both his hands, “…I’m crazy aren’t I? I became like those people in the asylum aren’t I? Did I screaming, yelling like a madman?”

“Dong-“

“That’s why you being so kind to me that night right? You changed so much over a night, because I looked pitiful to you isn’t it? Being the kind hearted person you are, you felt obligated to help me wasn’t it? I thought me being all clingy to you and running out in the rain and banging your door are worse enough, but in fact I’ve done a lot worse than that wasn’t it?” Donghae sobbed half screaming in desperation.

“I don’t want your pity… Knowing you help me because you pity me… I don’t-!“

His screaming has put to stop as Hyukjae grab his nape and crashing his lips to Donghae’s. The lips was pressed onto his quite harshly, forcing Donghae to swallow down all the words stuck in his throat. Hyukjae bringing his fingers dancing in the younger’s hair, keeping it firm yet gentle, lips brushing ever so slightly, desperate but sure. He makes sure no body part comes into contact, but at the same time trying to ascertain the closeness between them.

“I know, I know how to make you believe me… But I can’t. This is the least I could do to make you believe me,” Hyukjae whispered to Donghae’s lips before he kisses the younger again, desperately making a point.

“You have no idea how much I want to touch you… How much I’ve been wanting to kiss you… How much I want to see your smile, your bright eyes, to hear your laugh… How much I want all of you,” he said between sobs, hands cupping the younger’s face as they pulled apart and Donghae gasped with closed eyes.

Hyukjae wiped all the tears on Donghae’s cheeks with his thumb, smiling sadly as he utters, “look at me, the eyes that you’re so scared of, is there pity in it? Tell me Donghae…”

The younger opens his eyes slowly, willing himself to stare deep back into those dark brown eyes again, but this time he could somehow do it. The remains of his doubt has been washed away by the desperate kiss from the older, that he could actually feel it. He’s still scared, but he knows now that feeling is definitely there. Then he remember how Hyukjae had told him his feeling before, he close his eyes again. This time feeling scared of the certainty of that feeling.

“No…” he answered as he put his hands on Hyukjae’s nape, as the act speak volume of how much he understand it now.

“Do you believe me now…?”

“Yes…” Donghae lean in to kiss the older.

Hyukjae kiss back, brushing their lips gently yet full of affection, “thank you…”

“No… Thank you Hyukkie… Thank you for staying with me.”

They stayed letting their faces being close, until Donghae eventually shivering by the close contact and Hyukjae pulls away. It seems even on the faces and hands the younger could only hold on for a certain period.

“…Now what should we do?” Donghae asked uncertain.

“Let’s go to Henry.”

--

“Good afternoon Donghae,” the tall man with child-like smile greeted them as soon as they’re stepping inside the psychiatrist’s counseling room.

“Good afternoon…” Donghae greeted back with unsure bow, eyes searching for something at the doctor.

“Henry,” Hyukjae shakes his hand with Henry and take a seat after the latter mentioning them to do so.

“Now…” Henry exhales as he take his seat and stretching his limbs, “aah, now that’s better, you too don’t be too tense, I won’t bite.” He winks at Donghae.

He complied after he saw Hyukjae nodded at him, letting his back lean on the soft sofa relaxing his whole body. He could find himself being calm and secured as Hyukjae tentatively sit beside him.

“Very good, it’s best to start in a relax atmosphere,” Henry smiled and Hyukjae didn’t fail to