What Matters Most

May 2011

Since the moment I fell for you, I wished for nothing more than your happiness. So are you happy, Myungsoo?

 

Myungsoo couldn’t get the image of Sungjong’s pale visage out of his mind all morning. Sungjong had always been a sickly child since they were young. Myungsoo remembered the time when Sungjong was stuck in bed with a high fever for a week. He had stayed by the boy’s bedside, clutching his hand, thinking it was the last time he would see his bestfriend.

Back then, he was young and gullible. Yet, even now, he found it hard to stomach the possibility of never seeing Sungjong again. Growing up together, they had been as close as real brothers. Maybe that’s the reason he didn’t expect Sungjong’s confession.

Myungsoo had to admit, however, he had been seeing a new side to Sungjong since the revelation. Sungjong’s eyes, in particular, caught his attention the most. As the saying goes, “The eyes are the window to your soul” ; those dark orbs held kindness and warmth, yet also, a sense of loneliness in them.

How could I have not noticed those beautiful eyes before?

Now that Myungsoo began to see Sungjong in a different light, he found him constantly thinking about the boy, wondering what he was doing, where he was at, and specially whether he was with Lee Howon, to the point where he had trouble sleeping at night.

He looked at the tall boy across the table, who was busy slurping away his ramen. It puzzled him how he felt nothing despite being so persistent to win him over at the beginning. Sungyeol was definitely attractive but his beauty was a different sort compared to the sweet and gentle aura that Sungjong emitted.

“Is something wrong?” Sungyeol asked, his voice pulling Myungsoo out of his thoughts.

“Huh? Why do you ask?”

“Just wondering since you’ve been staring at me for the longest time.” Sungyeol chuckled. He leaned forward and placed his hand on top of Myungsoo’s. “What’s on your mind?”

“Sungjong…” Myungsoo admitted inadvertently.

Sungyeol’s hand retracted as if he was burnt. “What about him?”

“I’m worried about him. He’s sick.”

“He’s a big boy. He’ll take care of himself.” Sungyeol said nonchalantly, taking a sip of his iced coffee. He was taken aback when Myungsoo suddenly stood up. “Where are you going?”

“To check on Sungjong.” Myungsoo replied, not bothering to hear what Sungyeol had to say next, and exited the classroom.

“38.9^o C” The nurse read, squinting as she held the thermometer up near the sunlight from the window. “He’ll be fine after getting some sleep. Make sure he takes his medicine.”

“Thank you, Nurse.” Hoya bowed to the nurse who pulled the sliding door shut, leaving the two, alone, in the infirmary.

Sitting on the chair next to the bed, Hoya soaked the towel laying atop the small bucket of water and began patting it gently on Sungjong’s forehead. Sungjong sighed upon feeling the cool cloth against his skin. He shifted though didn’t appear to have awokened.

“M…us..o..” Sungjong mumbled.

“Sungjong?” Hoya leaned towards Sungjong, his ear near the boy’s lips.

“Myung…soo…” Sungjong whispered. A tear trailed down the side of his cheek.

You think only of him even at this state. Do I really not mean anything to you, Sungjong? Hoya wiped the tear with his thumb, sighing. Before he could straighten his back, Sungjong grabbed onto his shirt then linked his arms around his neck, pulling him back down.

Sungjong gazed at him with half-lidded eyes, his cheeks flushed. Sungjong was probably not fully awake. Hoya knew, yet, he couldn’t bring himself to move away. His lips were drawn to Sungjong’s, grazing lightly against the boy’s lips.

“Get away from Sungjong”.

Myungsoo pulled Hoya away from Sungjong, his fingers tearing into his collar. Seeing how Sungjong had fallen back asleep, Myungsoo’s eyes flashed towards the door, signalling them to head outside.

Once they arrived in the basketball court, Myungsoo grabbed onto both sides of Hoya’s collar, slamming him onto the fence.

“What the do you think you’re doing?”

Hoya, being the better fighter between the two, caught both of Myungsoo’s wrists in one hand, twisting them behind his back. His other hand pushed against Myungsoo’s shoulder, pressing him face-front against the fence.

“And what does that have anything to do with you? After all, Sungjong is my boyfriend.”

“Of course it has everything to do with me!” Myungsoo bellowed, trying to wriggle out of Hoya’s grip but the boy had a firm hold on him.

Myungsoo kicked his leg back, knocking it forcefully into Hoya’s stomach; Hoya doubled over. Seizing his chance, Myungsoo crashed his fist against Hoya’s jaw, sending him flying to the ground.

“You should know how important he is to me. Sungjong is my bestfriend, my little brother. I’m not gonna let someone like you screw his li-“

Hoya swiped his leg under Myungsoo, tripping him. As soon as Myungsoo tumbled back, Hoya gripped his shirt, throwing punch after punch across Myungsoo’s face.

“You’re damn right about that, Kim Myungsoo. You’re his friend, his brother, but nothing more than that.” Hoya dragged Myungsoo back up to meet his eyes. “I don’t know what happened that day but Sungjong gave you a chance. You’re the one who threw it away.”

Hoya released his grip on Myungsoo’s shirt, letting him fall to the ground. “You don’t even know your own feelings. How pathetic.” Hoya, still standing over Myungsoo, wiped the corner of his lips with the back of his hand. “Go crawl back to Sungyeol and leave me and Sungjong alone.”

“!” Myungsoo cried, spitting blood from his torn lips. He watched Hoya leave and was about to give chase but his arms had no strength to push himself up.

Lying down on the floor’s heated surface, Myungsoo observed the clouds floating across the sky. He didn’t want to admit it but Hoya’s words were true. For the past couple of weeks, Myungsoo had been experiencing one hell of a roller coaster ride of emotions and he didn’t know the reason for it. He just knew that it started since Sungjong’s confession. Myungsoo wasn’t able to pinpoint the exact emotion he was feeling but it hurt.

And perhaps Sungjong hurt the same way he did when he was rejected.

--

“Sungjong, come in, come in.” Mr Jang gestured at the boy who was peeking into the teacher’s office. He pulled a chair for Sungjong to sit on. “I’ve got something for you.”

Mr Jang waved a letter in front of Sungjong’s face. Sungjong flipped the letter to the side where his name and address were written, the sender being ‘L’Académie des Formes Raffinées’.

“You remember that application you sent to the design school in Paris? Well, that’s the letter in which your fate lies upon.” Mr Jang said, eyeing the letter. “Go on. Open it!”

Sungjong’s hands were shaking so much that it took him awhile before he finally managed to tear the letter open. The content was lengthy, filled with incomprehensible French but just the first word was enough to tell him what he had to know.

“You made it, Sungjong! I’m so proud of you!” Mr Jang congratulated, patting Sungjong’s back encouragingly.

Sungjong, on the other hand, wasn’t sure how to react to the news. He applied to the school due to Mr Jang’s recommendation though he didn’t put too much thought into it.

“You don’t look as happy as I expected, Sungjong.” Mr Jang noticed, sliding his chair closer to the boy. “What’s bothering you?”

“I guess, this is so sudden that I just don’t know what to do.” Sungjong sighed, his fingers tracing the words on the letter. “I’m happy but at the same time, I’m scared. I can’t imagine how my life is going to change from now on.”

Crossing his arms over his chest, Mr Jang nodded in understanding. “You’re still young and energetic unlike me. If you fail this time, pick yourself up and become even better.” Mr Jang ruffled Sungjong’s hair affectionately. “Don’t be scared of making mistakes. Otherwise, you’ll never move forward.”

Being the goofy and laidback teacher that he usually was, it surprised Sungjong to see the serious side of Mr Jang though he didn’t feel intimidated by it, but rather, appreciative of his teacher’s thoughtfulness.

“It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, Sungjong. Take some time to consider it.”

“1, 2, 3! We made it!”

Caps flew aimlessly into the air as the students cheered and waved at their proud parents standing near the stage. Sungjong maneuvered through the crowd; families of crying mothers and their graduating children, groups of friends taking selfies in front of the main hall.

“Congratulations, Sungjong! You’ve graduated!” Myungsoo’s mother cried, envelopping him into a hug.

“Thank you, Auntie.” Sungjong bowed as he received a bouquet of flowers from Myungsoo’s dad. “It’s been a difficult year but I’ll definitely miss high school.”

“Our Sungjong is all grown up!” Mrs Kim exclaimed, pulling Sungjong down to peck him on the cheek. “Now, where is that brat? We’re supposed to take a picture together.”

“That brat is right behind you, Mom.”

Myungsoo emerged out of the sea of people, surprisingly, alone. He exchanged hugs and kisses with his parents before stopping in front of Sungjong.

“Congratulations, Sungjong. “ Myungsoo smiled. He took a step closer towards Sungjong, his arms raised mid-air. Hesitating, Myungsoo dropped his arms and went for a firm handshake instead.

“Same to you, Myungsoo.” Sungjong returned the smile, his fingers tightening around Myungsoo’s.

The four of them huddled together for a picture with Myungsoo and Sungjong standing on either sides of Myungsoo’s parents.

“Wait, what are you doing over here, son. You should be standing next to Sungjong.” Mrs Kim cried, pulling Myungsoo over to the other side. “Come on, you two. Stand closer.”

Myungsoo gave Sungjong an awkward smile but swung his arm around Sungjong’s shoulders anyway until their bodies stuck to each other, hips to hips, shoulder to shoulder. As the cameraman stacked the tools needed for the camera, Sungjong turned his head momentarily to regard Myungsoo. Smiling sadly, he turned back towards the front before he was caught by the dark-haired boy.

After a few shots were taken, the family of three invited Sungjong to dinner, to which he declined, saying he had something planned for the night. Myungsoo wondered if it was Hoya that Sungjong was meeting, however, he quickly chased that thought out of his head, knowing that it was not in his place to interfere anymore.

Before Myungsoo left with his parents, he felt a tug at his sleeve and found Sungjong holding onto his arm.

“Myungsoo…are you happy right now?” he asked, his eyes searching Myungsoo’s as if he had an expected answer in his mind.

“I guess so. Yes.” Myungsoo replied. He found it an odd question coming from the boy.

“I see…” Releasing Myungsoo’s arm, Sungjong wrapped his arms around Myungsoo for a hug and whispered into his ear, “I hope you continue to find happiness in life. Goodbye.”

--

Sungyeol punched the air with a victorious howl, waving his game controller side to side.

“I beat you again!” he exclaimed, rolling to his side to glance at the boy on the bed.

“Yup. I lost.” Myungsoo said uninterestedly as he stared blankly at the screen.

Sungyeol could sense his boyfriend’s obvious boredom and pouted. “Well, I don’t feel so good about winning anymore.” When he received no response from Myungsoo, he tossed the game controller onto the carpeted floor. “Should we do something else, then?”

“Like what?”

“Like… maybe? That should wake you up.” Sungyeol replied, his voice laced with seduction.

Positioning himself on all fours, Sungyeol crawled towards Myungsoo, grabbing onto his thighs, and sat on his lap. Sungyeol pushed Myungsoo down on the bed and latched onto his jaw. Aroused, Myungsoo sat up, switching their positions. As he hovered over the tall boy, Sungjong’s face appeared in his mind. For a moment, he thought he was pinning Sungjong onto the bed and immediately fell back in shock.

“What’s wrong, Myungsoo?” Sungyeol sat up, alarmed.

“I thought I saw…” Myungsoo blinked rapidly, confirming it was Sungyeol in front of him.

“Thought you saw what?”

“I thought I saw…Sungjong.”  Myungsoo blurted. He clasped his hand over his mouth upon seeing the widened eyes of his boyfriend and reached out to hold him. “Sungyeol, that’s not-“

Sungyeol slapped Myungsoo’s hand away from him and scooted to the edge of the bed. “Sungjong – Sungjong – Sungjong – SUNGJONG!” he cried, hurling a pillow at Myungsoo. “I’m so sick of hearing his name!”

“I’m sorry, Sungyeol! It’s just that I can’t stop thinking about Sungjong ever since he confessed to me! It’s as if I…as if I…” Myungsoo’s eyes brightened as realization dawned on him. “I’m in love with Sungjong.”

“What nonsense are you spouting? You’re in love with me! Not that scrawny, weak crybaby!” Sungyeol screeched.

It was true that he was attracted to Sungyeol at the beginning, charmed by his wittiness. But the initial spark ended just as soon as it began because once he convinced the tall boy to be his boyfriend, Myungsoo didn’t see him as ‘The One’ for him.

“I did love you, Sungyeol but I realized it’s not the same way I love Sungjong.” Myungsoo admitted.

As if a curse was broken, the pain in his chest disappeared and relief washed over him. Myungsoo had finally admitted his true feelings and now, there was one thing left to do.

“If you take one step out this door, Kim Myungsoo, we are over.” Sungyeol threatened, hoping the boy would give in like he always did.

“I’m sorry, Sungyeol but let’s not drag this on anymore. Our relationship ends here.” Myungsoo whispered, walking out the door without turning back.

“Sungjong! Open the door, Sungjong!” Myungsoo cried as he banged on the door repeatedly.

He had been trying to call Sungjong since he left Sungyeol’s house but he was answered by a voicemail message so he decided to go to Sungjong’s house to talk face-to-face. Yet, his knocks were unheard for the last half hour that he wondered if Sungjong was avoiding him.

“Myungsoo, what are you doing in front of Sungjong’s house?” Mrs Kim called to his son, holding a few bags of grocery. “He already left, you know.”

“He left? To where?” Myungsoo asked frantically.

Mrs Kim ushered him into their own home where she placed the plastic bags on the kitchen counter. She disappeared into her room briefly before returning with an object in hand, placing it in Myungsoo’s palm.

It was the blue bracelet that he gave Sungjong on Christmas.

“He’s going to Paris to study fashion design. He asked me to give this to you before he left.”

“I hope you continue to find happiness in life. Goodbye.”

Clutching the bracelet, Myungsoo turned to his mom with determined eyes. “What time is his flight, mom?”

“I’m not sure but he left our house around forty minutes ago- Myungsoo, where are you going?!”

Don’t leave me, Sungjongie.

-Flashback-

“Myungsoo?” Sungjong called softly as he peered into the classroom. He spotted said boy sleeping at his desk.

Come closer, Jongie. Myungsoo prepared himself to spring up from his chair, finding this to be a rare opportunity to scare his friend.

He heard some shuffling then silence. He could feel Sungjong’s breath against his face but heard no movement from the boy. Overcome by curiosity, Myungsoo cracked an eye open but shut it instantly upon feeling Sungjong’s lips on his.

What is going on?

Myungsoo’s mind spun in circles. He was frozen, unable to push the boy away; a part of him didn’t want to push him away.

“What did I just do?” Sungjong gasped, scrambling out of his chair and rushed out of the classroom.

Myungsoo stayed in his position a few minutes more, making sure the classroom was empty, before his head shot up. He trailed his fingers along his lower lip, still tingling from the contact.

“It can’t be…”