The Sting of Rejection

March 2011

I’m walking through darkness without knowing the way. I see you in front of me but I can’t reach you. As you turn your back on me, I call your name but you don’t answer. I’m thrown away, left behind, forever lost in this darkness.

Sungjong’s eyes shot open, blinking rapidly as he tried to make sense of what happened. He pushed against Hoya’s chest and shoulder; their lips parted with a soft smack. His hand flew over his mouth as he stared, wide-eyed, at the boy.

“W-What did you just do?” he stuttered, lips still quivering from the shock of receiving a sudden kiss.

“I kissed you.” Hoya stated matter-of-factly. His gaze shifted briefly to the top of the stairs and smirked upon finding the space empty.

Turning his attention back to Sungjong, Hoya circled his arms around Sungjong’s waist, pulling his body closer to his own.

“Won’t you give me a chance, Sungjong?” he begged, hoping the boy would forget about Myungsoo and be with him instead.

“Hoya, I don’t think I can accept-“ Sungjong’s words were cut off by a finger over his lips.

A hand slid up to cup Sungjong’s cheek. “Just one chance, Sungjong. One chance to prove to you that I am the one for you. I’ll make you the happiest person on earth. I promise.”

Sungjong could see the sincerity shining in Hoya’s eyes and even though he didn’t see Hoya as anything more than a friend, he thought that maybe, just maybe, he would gradually fall in love with him if they got to know each other better.

He gave a hesitant nod which instantly brought a smile to Hoya’s face. Hoya shot up from his position, bringing Sungjong up with him. The boy emitted a soft squeal; his feet rose above the ground, Hoya twirling him in circles. Some students raised their eyebrows at their odd behavior but none of that mattered to Hoya. Not with the happiness bursting from his chest.

Sungjong couldn’t stifle his laughter upon seeing the goofy grin on Hoya’s face. He didn’t know Hoya, who always sported that wrinkle between his eyes, was capable of smiling so brightly.

--

Sungjong began to notice other aspects of Hoya that he found  “adorable”. For instance, Hoya would never fail to text him every day; his messages were surprisingly littered with all sorts of emoticons. He also memorized Sungjong’s favorite food, returning to their table with a tray filled with his usual choice of meal.

Despite Hoya’s tough exterior, he was the most considerate man Sungjong ever encountered, maybe even more than Myungsoo. The way Hoya would slip his fingers around Sungjong’s and stuff their linked hands into his pocket when he caught Sungjong shivering on a cool morning. Or, times when Sungjong unexpectedly found a few lemon candy drops in his schoolbag when his stomach growled between classes.

Hoya was the perfect boyfriend anyone could hope to have, except, Sungjong didn’t feel his heart pound the same way it did for Myungsoo. Even though Hoya had declared that he would wait no matter how long it took, he couldn’t possibly make Hoya wait forever for him.

Maybe I’m not trying hard enough Sungjong sighed.

Caught up in his thoughts, Sungjong didn’t realize he had been staring at Hoya, who was sitting at the other side of the classroom, until the boy turned around and their eyes met. He immediately shifted his gaze to somewhere else, his eyes searching all around the classroom for some interesting object that would take his mind off the embarrassment.

Hoya grinned upon seeing Sungjong’s reddening ears. He walked over to Sungjong, crouched in front of his desk and ruffled the boy’s hair.

“Is something wrong, Sungjongie?” he asked, touching the warm piece of flesh covered partly by Sungjong’s hair. “Your ears are bright red.”

Sungjong groaned, cupping his hands over his ears in an attempt to hide them. The action only made Hoya want to more; He tugged at Sungjong’s wrists while Sungjong tried his best to pull himself free. Their little game of tug-of-war was interrupted by a classmate motioning for Sungjong towards the door.

The upturned corners of Hoya’s lips slowly became firm and tense when he discovered Myungsoo as the one that asked for Sungjong.

 The culprit who stole all of his lover’s attention.

“I was wondering if you wanted to have lunch with us.”

Myungsoo had barely seen Sungjong around these days. Maybe he didn’t want to be the third-wheel he had intially thought and Myungsoo would’ve let Sungjong do whatever he felt comfortable with if he hadn’t witnessed the kiss scene under the staircase. Myungsoo suddenly felt obligated to protect his timid Sungjongie from “the big, bad wolf”, in other words, Lee Howon.

Myungsoo would never have guessed that Sungjong was avoiding him for a completely different reason. Sungjong was horrified upon discovering Sungyeol’s true nature, yet, he didn’t dare tell Myungsoo. Even if he did, Sungjong knew Myungsoo wasn’t the type to listen once he set eyes on his target.

“I-I’m sorry, Myungsoo. I can’t today” Sungjong refused, his gaze fixed on his friend’s shiny black shoes that were currently much more appealing to Sungjong than the sight of Sungyeol hanging off Myungsoo’s arm.

“You’ve been rejecting every invitation since the last three weeks. Can you, at least, give me a reason?”

“I-I…” Sungjong choked, his mind spinning in circles trying to come up with a reason, a convincing one at that. “Well, actually, I…um…you see-”

“Sungjong promised to have lunch with me today, right?”

Hoya took a possessive hold at Sungjong’s waist, pulling the boy’s body close to his. His eyes sent unspoken messages to Sungjong who hastily nodded his agreement.
 

“T-That’s right. I promised Hoya.” Sungjong repeated, hoping Myungsoo would accept his excuse without pressing further.

“Then, why don’t we all have lunch together?” Sungyeol proposed, his lips were curved into his usual cheerful smile but his eyes told another story as he glanced back and forth between the two of them. “What do you think, Myungsoo?”

But Myungsoo was not listening to a word he said, for his attention was placed on the hand resting at Sungjong’s hips. Perhaps he shouldn’t be feeling this way; after all, his bestfriend finally found someone he loved, he should be happy for him. Yet, Myungsoo felt nothing close to contentment. Just fiery, red, anger that was beginning to give him a migraine.

Myungsoo blamed it on his over-protective nature, seeing it as nothing more than brotherly affection.

“So, Myungsoo and I were planning to go to an aquarium this Sunday. Do you guys want to join us?” Underneath this friendly invitation, Sungyeol was more looking forward to watching Sungjong suffer while he and Myungsoo cuddled in front of him. “It can be like a couple’s date.”

Hoya, who noticed Sungjong stiffen at Sungyeol’s words, swung his arm around the boy’s shoulders; his hand brushed  Sungjong’s bangs back as if he was petting a small animal.

“Of course. Sungjongie is really interested in sea creatures. I’m sure it’ll be fun.” Hoya replied, smirking all the while at the glares Myungsoo was sending him across the table. “Lots of fun, indeed.”

--

“Wait! Please!” Sungjong cried as he ran after the bus that was driving further and further away from him.

He stopped to catch his breath before running at a slower pace towards the bus stop. Reading the public transport schedule, the next bus was to arrive half an hour later. What should I do…I’ll be late he thought dejectedly. Without a choice, Sungjong walked over to the bench to wait for the next bus. He pulled out his phone with the intention to inform Hoya about his situation when he heard the sound of a bicyle bell ring behind him.

“Get on!”

Sungjong turned around to see Myungsoo hovering over the seat of his bike while motioning for Sungjong to go to him. Sungjong hesitantly took a step towards the boy but walked no further as he was starting to have second thoughts.

“You’re too slow! We’re both going to be in big trouble if we don’t leave now.” Myungsoo called, yanking Sungjong forcefully onto the back seat. “Put your arms around my waist.”

Even though they were at least forty minutes late, Myungsoo pedalled at a leisurely pace, choosing to enjoy the nice weather rather than rush. The atmosphere between them was so comfortable that Sungjong had to resist the urge to lay his head on Myungsoo’s back, just like the old days before things became complicated.

As if reading his thoughts, Myungsoo recalled, “Back in middle school, we used to go to school like this every morning, remember?” When Myungsoo heard no response from the boy behind him, he continued, “What happened to us?”

Myungsoo, stopping near the aquarium, turned to look at Sungjong who refused to meet his eyes. “Did I do something wrong?”

“Myungsoo…it’s not-“

“Myungsoo!” Sungyeol called, running towards them. He pulled Myungsoo out of the bike and stood with arms akimbo. “You’re late!”

“Sorry, Sungyeol. I couldn’t hear the alarm clock this morning.” Myungsoo apologized, massaging Sungyeol’s shoulders, trying to calm the tall boy down.

Sungyeol then noticed Sungjong standing quietly next to the bike. “You came with him?”

“I missed the bus this morning. Myungsoo happened to pass by the bus stop so he offered to give me a ride.” Sungjong explained.

Sungyeol regarded the boy with an icy cold glare which sent a chill down his spine but the look was gone in a second, replaced by a sweet smile. “That’s very sweet of you, Myungsoo.” he cooed, linking his arm around Myungsoo’s. He sent Sungjong one last look before leading Myungsoo into the aquarium.

“You could’ve asked me to pick you up, Sungjong” Hoya, feeling a little betrayed, finally spoke up.

“It’s nothing to worry about, Hoya.”Sungjong reassured, giving Hoya’s hands a light squeeze to make his point. “We just happened to be in the same place at the same time.”

Convinced by his words, Hoya left it at that, however, he also made sure he kept Sungjong close to his side, leaving no chance for Myungsoo to interact with Sungjong.

“Let’s go over there, Myungsoo!” Sungjong watched in envy as Sungyeol and Myungsoo walk hand-in-hand to the jellyfish section.

His eyes followed the stingray swimming along the glass tunnel until it reached the top. With its underside pressed against the glass, its flat lips looked as if it was smiling, contrasting with its venomous black tail swaying at its back.

“I wonder how much it hurts to be stung by those things.” Hoya mused, stretching his neck to take a closer look at the stingray’s long tail.

“The pain would be excruciating but stingrays usually don’t attack without a reason. It’s only for self-defense.”

Hoya, having his interest piqued, encouraged the boy to further elaborate. “Go on.”

“Stingrays are very docile and curious creatures. They normally flee from any disturbances. But when they feel threatened, their stingers are activated.”

“In a way, they’re like humans, too.” Sungjong continued. He pressed a hand against the glass as he gazed longingly through the glass at the handsome couple on the other side. “When we’re pushed to a corner, we have no choice but to fight back to avoid getting hurt ourselves.”

“You’re not fighting back though, Sungjong.” Hoya turned Sungjong around to face him, trapping the boy within his arms. “You’re running away.”

Upon realizing his impulsiveness when he felt Sungjong trembling under him, he released the boy immediately and apologized. Hoya stalked off towards the snack shop, offering to buy Sungjong a drink and giving himself some time to cool his head. It may have been too much but Hoya couldn’t stand watching Sungjong pine over Myungsoo. He wanted Sungjong to face the problem upfront or else Sungjong would never move on and Hoya would never have a place in the boy’s heart.

After calming down, Hoya went to fetch their drinks but when he returned to the glass tunnel, Sungjong was missing from where he had left him.

“Let go of me, Myungsoo! You’re hurting me!” Sungjong yelped as he tried to pull free from the tightening grip around his wrist. “Where are you taking me?”

“We need to talk.” Myungsoo said simply. He dragged the boy to a secluded part of the aquarium and slammed him against the wall. “Are you in love with Hoya?”

“What?” Sungjong looked up in surprise, not expecting the question from his bestfriend.

“Are you in love with Hoya?” Myungsoo repeated, his teeth clenched in anger. “Answer me!”

“I-I-…I don’t owe you an explanation.” Sungjong didn’t understand the reason for Myungsoo’s anger but he didn’t appreciate the forceful interrogation.

“Then break up with him.”

“And why do I have to listen to you?” Sungjong challenged.

“Because I’m your…I’m your bestfriend!” Myungsoo exclaimed, which only made Sungjong scoff. “Besides, he’s a bully. He’s going to hurt you just like he did to the others without batting an eyelash.”

“Don’t talk about Hoya like that! He’s changed! You don’t know anything, Myungsoo!” Sungjong shot back, offended at his words. “How about you, then? Do you think Sungyeol is as perfect as you think he is?”

“Sungyeol? Why are you bringing Sungyeol into this?” Myungsoo asked, taken aback at the mention of his name.

“If you believe your choice of a partner is so great, why is he still clinging onto his boyfriend and not with you?”

“Sungyeol is just…sorting things out at the moment.” Myungsoo convinced himself, pushing back the fact that Sungyeol left him by himself in the aquarium after receiving a call from his boyfriend. “He told me that he loves me and I believe him.”

“You’re blinded, Myungsoo! You’re so blind, you don’t even realize he’s lying to you!” Sungjong shoved Myungsoo away from him, causing Myungsoo to stumble a few steps back.

“Lies? What are you talking about?! And why are you suddenly so against me dating Sungyeol?” Myungsoo heard Sungjong whisper something though he wasn’t able to understand as Sungjong had his head down. “What did you say?”

“I said, it’s because I’m in love with you!” Sungjong finally exploded, clutching at his chest as if to stop the rapid beating of his heart.

“Since when…?” Myungsoo trailed, unable to believe his bestfriend’s confession.

“Since we were kids.” Sungjong admitted. He could hear his heart pounding in his ears and feel sweat sliding down the side of his face as he waited for an answer.

“S-Sungjong, I-“

Their conversation was cut off by the sound of Myungsoo’s phone ringing. The caller ID being Sungyeol, Myungsoo took the call, holding a hand up to ask Sungjong to wait.

“Myungsoo…”

Myungsoo could hear the sounds of Sungyeol sniffling at the other end of the line. “What’s wrong, Sungyeol? Why are you crying?”

“Niel…he…he broke up with me. He said he found someone else. Comfort me, Myungsoo. I'm so lonely.”

Myungsoo glanced at Sungjong, whose eyes were pleading for him not to leave. “Sungyeol, I can’t right now. I’m-”
 

“You love me, don’t you? Please, I need you, Myungsoo.”

“…Alright. I'm coming over.” Myungsoo ended the call and turned to Sungjong again. His heart broke at the sight of Sungjong’s teary eyes, yet, he couldn’t leave Sungyeol alone. “I’m sorry, Sungjong. We’ll continue this later.”

“Wait!” Sungjong held onto Myungsoo’s sleeve as if his life depended on it. As if Myungsoo was his anchor and if he let go, he would sink straight to the bottom. “Have you ever felt the same way towards me?”

The look that Myungsoo had in his eyes was not that of affection but of guilt and uncertainty. Myungsoo slowly took Sungjong’s trembling hands off his sleeve and whispered ‘I’m sorry’ to the heartbroken boy.

Sungjong fell onto his knees as he watched Myungsoo leave. The tears he kept from falling earlier, now spilled freely down his cheeks. He grabbed onto his heaving chest and clawed and clawed at his heart.

He had to get it out. He had to get it out, now, so that he won’t feel any more pain.

So he won’t feel anything at all.