Acceptance and Denial

December 2010

You once told me to show you all sides of myself; both the good and the bad. But I refuse to show you the fragile side of me that lives only for you. For if you knew my true feelings and choose to shun me, my heart would surely break.

Like always, please be right here

Even if it’s not like the first time,

I’ll treasure you more than before

To rid all your tears, to rid all your scars

I’ll love you beyond countable measures

Hoya closed his eyes, humming softly to the beat and mouthing the lyrics to the song. Since the first time he listened to the song, he couldn’t get the lyrics out of his head.

He couldn’t understand his fixation on it, as it was completely different from his usual type of music. But it was as if the song was telling him a story, his story.

Hoya shivered slightly from the cold winter breeze that touched his skin. It was already the first month of winter and one month since he saved the boy from drowning in the swimming pool.

Lee Sungjong.

Hoya thought long and hard. He didn’t know when he started showing interest in that boy. He was even more surprised at himself for approaching him, or anyone else for that matter.

Initially, Sungjong was very shy and nervous around him. When Hoya tried talking to him, he would quietly whisper a “yes” or “no” or just respond with a small nod of his head. Their conversations were limited to only greetings or asking each other how their day was then they would fall into this awkward silence before one of them, not able to withstand it, eventually found an excuse to leave.

It took some time before Sungjong became more comfortable with his presence. Of course, that was to be expected. Why would the boy want to talk to his bully in the first place? But they had somehow gotten past their awkwardness towards each other and were now able to have normal conversations.

Hoya to his side, looking out onto the old apartment buildings that surrounded his school. He was so deep in his thoughts that he almost fell over the edge of the roof when he heard the door suddenly open.

The roof was usually off-limits to students. But for Hoya, who would rather break rules than follow them, it became his perfect getaway when he was tired of dealing with the stressful things in life.

He was, apparently, not the only one who was fond of this place.

Sungjong smiled shyly and waved at the boy who immediately sat up upon seeing him. Hoya jumped down from the ledge of the roof and dusted the dirt off his pants. He walked towards Sungjong, his hand scratching the back of his head awkwardly.

“You’re here again today”.

Sungjong nodded. “This place is actually pretty nice. And…a good hiding place.”

Hiding place? Could it be…Sunggyu and Woohyun are looking for him again?

Hoya was about to question the boy further about the two bullies when he spotted him holding something behind his back.

“What’s that?”

Sungjong brought the bundle of wool in front of him. He pushed the two long plastic needles, one after another, through the loops. The baby blue colored woolen fabric hung below the two needles.

It was supposed to be Myungsoo’s Christmas present, which Sungjong was struggling to finish in time before the day arrived. Since Myungsoo frequently hung out at Sungjong’s home, Sungjong had to do it at school instead. And the roof seemed like the best place for that without Myungsoo knowing.

“It’s girly, right? A boy knitting a scarf.” Sungjong looked down at his feet, expecting Hoya to but he was surprised when the boy just shook his head.

“Not at all. I think it’s great. A gift is supposed to be meaningful, right?”

Sungjong smiled widely, relieved to know he made the right choice for a present. He wouldn’t want Myungsoo to feel disappointed, especially since he knew guys would definitely feel happy to receive handmade gifts from their girlfriends. But if it was from a boy, he wasn’t so confident about that.

They sat down on the cold ground next to each other. Hoya watched Sungjong’s long fingers moving elegantly as he made several crisscrosses along the scarf. 

They started talking about random things and then like always, their conversation would suddenly turn to Sungjong’s childhood memories with Myungsoo. Hoya noticed that every time the boy talked about Myungsoo, he would have that sweet smile on his face.

For a moment, Hoya wished Sungjong would smile like that for him instead but he immediately pushed that thought away, not able to understand the reason for his annoyance.

Hearing Sungjong share so much of his past with him made Hoya feel slightly guilty as he had never uttered a word about his own past. Not that he was trying to hide any painful experiences in his childhood but he was more ashamed of his recklessness and the people he had hurt in his wilder days.

Hoya was taken aback when Sungjong wrapped the near-finished scarf around his neck, trying to measure its length. He was suddenly aware of how close their faces were and he turned away, feeling embarrassed.

While Sungjong was adjusting the scarf, pulling and folding it gently around his neck, a unique scent entered Hoya’s nose. It was faint but he could still identify its sweetness, the same scent he recognized from one year ago.

Hoya winced as he touched the corner of his lips. He cursed as soon he saw blood coating his fingertip.

He had just gotten out of a fight caused by Woohyun’s carelessness. Out of all the girls he chose to sleep with, he just had to mess with the girl of the neighboring school’s gang leader.

27 to 3.

They were outnumbered. The three of them knew that if they continued fighting, they would end up dead. So they split up, pushing through the army of students, and separated into different directions as they escaped from the chaos.

Hoya ended up on the roof of his school. He didn’t know where his two friends ran off to but he had to save himself first. He assumed they were safe, knowing this wasn’t the first time they got into trouble.

He cursed again, loudly this time, startling the boy sitting near the opposite corner of the roof. Hoya hadn’t noticed him at first but he couldn’t care less now that he saw him now.  He was just so exhausted from all the running and fighting he dealt with every day. He was tired of it all.

Hoya sighed loudly and closed his eyes, resting them briefly before opening them again when he felt someone staring at him. Turning his head to the side, he stared, uninterestedly, at the boy.

“What” he snapped, startling the boy once more.

The boy quickly looked away. He appeared to be lost in thought for a moment then he started rummaging through his backpack. He timidly approached the injured boy and sat down next to him.

“You’re hurt”.

Hoya was about to yell at him to leave him alone but stopped when the boy started bandaging up his wounds without a word.

He was shocked. Hoya was used to people running away from him even when he was bloodied and could barely move due to his severe injuries. But this was the first time someone showed him kindness.

Hoya caught a whiff of a sweet scent that seemed to be coming from the hands that were hovering over his face, sticking strips of bandages over the cuts on his face. He suddenly had the urge to grab those warm and soft hands and couldn’t help feeling disappointed when they left his face.

The boy, quietly, grabbed his backpack and book. He stopped just by the door and smiled at Hoya before exiting the roof.

A week had passed, Hoya still couldn’t get the memory of that incident out of his head. He regretted not asking the boy for his name. He held a little hope inside that he would see him again. But what he didn’t expect was that it would be much sooner than he expected.

Hoya joined Sunggyu and Woohyun, who were standing in the hallway. From the way they were pointing and snickering, Hoya guessed they had chosen their latest victim.

“Look at that gay boy Lee Sungjong. This is going to be fun.” Woohyun smirked. He nodded towards the front, gesturing for Hoya to look towards that direction.

As soon as he had looked, he wished he hadn’t. Hoya’s blood ran cold as he saw the boy who was reading in the classroom, oblivious to what he was going to face in his last year of high school.

“Lee…Sungjong…” he whispered. He found it hard to breathe as his heart clenched in pain.

He never expected…no…he never wanted to meet Sungjong again this way. He didn’t want to be one of the people to cause him pain.

Hoya tried to avoid participating in any of the torture that Sunggyu and Woohyun inflicted on Sungjong. He pretended to be the guard dog but he had actually, indirectly, alerted the teachers that were passing by so as to stop the two from going too far.

He berated himself for being such a coward, for not standing up for Sungjong. At first, he believed that helping Sungjong this way would be enough but guilt consumed him upon seeing Sungjong show him kindness despite the horrible things he went through.

From that day onwards, Hoya made up his mind and nothing was going to stop him this time.

--

“Be careful, Jongie. You’re going to fall.”

Myungsoo watched nervously as Sungjong tried to place the star on the top of the Christmas tree. He reached his arms out towards the boy, ready to catch him in case he really fell.

Sungjong gritted his teeth as he stretched his arms out as far as he could, standing on his tiptoes at the highest step of the ladder. He had wanted to prepare everything before Myungsoo arrived but decorating the tree took longer than he expected so he got some help from Myungsoo instead.

Now all that’s left was the star and the tree would be perfect. He just had to get a little closer…just a little more…got it! Sungjong smiled widely as he watched the star blink brightly at the top of the tree.

Myungsoo clapped his hands, a proud smile on his face. But that smile quickly turned into a frown when Sungjong missed a step, while trying to climb down the ladder, and started falling forward.

He rushed forward just in time to catch the falling boy in his arms. Failing to keep both of them balanced, Myungsoo fell backward onto the ground with his arms still around Sungjong’s waist.

Sungjong spread his arms out in front of him, trying not to put all of his weight on Myungsoo, but gravity won over him and before he knew it, his lips were connected with the boy under him.

He knew that it was wrong. He knew that he shouldn’t do this. But it felt so right. But before he could let himself fall any deeper than he already was, Sungjong pushed against Myungsoo’s chest and broke free from the kiss.

Sungjong quickly sat up and backed away against the tree. He heard Myungsoo getting up to sit next to him but not saying a word. Sungjong stared at his lap, unable to meet Myungsoo’s eyes. He didn’t want to know nor see his friend’s reaction. He knew if he saw that look of disgust in his eyes, he would not be able to take it.

Pretending that nothing happened, Sungjong took the present he had placed under the tree and held it towards Myungsoo.

Myungsoo carefully unwrapped it. His mouth formed an ‘o’ as he lifted the scarf out of the wrapping and immediately wrapped it around his neck.

“You made this?” Sungjong blushed and nodded his head.

Myungsoo dug through his back pocket, taking out a bracelet. The design was simple; multiple strings wrapped around each other into a thick blue braid with gold pieces at both ends. He took Sungjong’s wrist and secured the two ends around his wrist with the gold clasp.

“It’s not as well-made as yours but I hope you like it. Merry Christmas, Sungjong.”

Sungjong twirled the bracelet around his wrist, beaming up at Myungsoo with happiness.

--

Myungsoo gave a shallow bow of his head to thank the student. He clearly remembered telling Sungjong this morning to eat lunch with him today but he was told that the boy had been missing since the previous class.

Thinking that Sungjong might’ve gotten sick, he made his way towards the infirmary, passing by the bathroom. He heard voices throwing out taunting remarks at someone. Not wanting to get involved, Myungsoo quickened his footsteps but stopped abruptly when he heard them address a familiar name.

“It’s all your fault that Hoya quit our gang, you !” Woohyun yelled. He shoved Sungjong onto the ground and punched him on the cheek.

Sunggyu crouched in front of the boy, looking up and down over his body. “You know, Lee Sungjong, we’ve been easy on you compared to our other victims. But to be able to seduce even the most cold-hearted fighter, I must’ve underestimated you. It’s time for you to learn your lesson, right, Woohyun?”

Sungjong’s eyes widened. He squirmed as he tried to move away from the hand that trailed down his body but his movements were restricted by Woohyun’s tight hold on his arms.

He yelled for them to stop but they paid him no attention. He tried screaming for help but a hand covering his mouth blocked his attempt. Sungjong could only watch helplessly as Sunggyu ripped open his shirt.

Woohyun shifted his body on top of Sungjong’s arms, locking them beneath him. He took out his cellphone and started recording the humiliating act that they were going to perform on Sungjong.

Sunggyu reached down towards the zipper of the boy’s pants but was unable to proceed further as he suddenly flew to the side and slid across the floor. He cursed as he touched his jaw lightly, moving them back and forth. Sunggyu looked up in rage to see the face of the person who dared to punch him. His eyes met with a pair that was filled with just as much rage, if not more.

“Don’t you dare lay a finger on Sungjong.”



----------------------------------------author's note---------------------------------------------------

Hope you enjoy the chapter! Please subscribe and comment! I appreciate your thoughts and reactions~ <33
(If any of you were wondering, the song is Brown Eyed Soul's Love Ballad)