Unrequited Adoration

February 2011

If only you looked at me the same way you look at him. Can’t you see me? I’m here. I’ve always been here. Notice me!

“I have someone I like.”

Sungjong didn’t know how to respond and for a second, he became mute. He knew he ought to congratulate his bestfriend for finding the person he loved. That was what he decided before he thought about confessing. Yet when it really happened, he couldn’t make himself feel happy for Myungsoo no matter how hard he tried.

Forcing a smile, Sungjong whispered, “That’s great, Myungsoo… C-Can I ask who the lucky person is?” Truthfully, Sungjong didn’t want to know but he couldn’t stop himself from asking because deep down, he wanted to, at least, know who he lost to.

“Lee Sungyeol. You probably don’t know who he is.”

But Sungjong knew exactly who Lee Sungyeol was.

Sungjong knocked lightly on the door to the teachers’ office after having his name called on the school broadcast. He walked towards his homeroom teacher who was stealing a bite out of his sandwich he was holding under his desk.

“You wished to see me, sir?”

Mr Jang choked at the sight of Sungjong, watching him amusedly, and grinned.

“You scared me, Sungjong! I thought I was caught by Mr Zhang, the new Chinese teacher.” He said, his mouth still full from the big bite he took.  “You know how naggy he gets.”

Sungjong wrinkled his nose in disgust. He grabbed a piece of tissue from the desk and handed it to the clumsy teacher who responded with a small ‘thank you’. After cleaning himself up, Mr Jang rummaged through his desk drawer and took out a stack of paper.

“Lee Sungjong, Lee Sungjong, Lee Sungjong…” he chanted as he thumbed through the pile of paper. “Found it!”

Mr Jang held the piece of paper in front of Sungjong for the boy to take. Sungjong sighed upon looking at its title.

‘My Future Goals’

He had been wanting to put it off until the very last minute because he, honestly, had no idea what he wanted to do despite it being his last year in high school.

“You’re the only one in the class that left it blank. Have you thought about what you wanted to study in college?”

Sungjong contemplated whether he should just feed the teacher a random answer. Even if it was not true, he, at least, could get him off his back. Instead, he found himself shaking his head in honesty.

Mr Jang gave him a sympathetic smile and pulled a chair for him to sit on. He looked through Sungjong’s academic records, searching for some sort of clue to his student’s prospective career. It was not easy, however, as Sungjong shook his head at every one of his suggestion. Just as the dejected teacher was about to give up, a small detail at the bottom of the student report caught his eye.

“It says here that you won the best costume award in the interschool fashion show competition last year and you were the designer for the school play in the previous year.” Mr Jang regarded his student in awe. Sungjong had always been one of his most timid students and he knew the boy had a talent for art and design but he did not expect him to be this good.

Sungjong blushed, feeling very embarrassed as the other teachers glanced towards their direction, though he did feel quite proud of himself when he saw his teacher’s reaction. It was true that Sungjong was interested in design and he joined various competitions in the past however he thought it was just a hobby, something he did for fun, and never considered the possibility of pursuing a career in it.

Mr Jang ed the paper into Sungjong’s hands, assigning him a new deadline to hand it in. Sungjong flipped to the second piece of paper that was stuck behind the goals worksheet. It was a pamphlet of a textile design college programme.

“You might want to take a look at this. It’s a very famous design school in Paris. It’s far from Korea but it’s something worth considering if you want to pursue your dreams, right?”

Sungjong closed the door behind him, his eyes still focused on the materials in his hand, reading it over and over. Seeing there was still some time left before the bell rang, he decided to visit Myungsoo. Maybe he could give him some advice on what he should do.

He poked his head through the window, searching left and right for the dark-haired friend, and spotted him sitting near the corner of the classroom. Sungjong was about to call him but stopped just as he saw Myungsoo throw his arm around a boy’s shoulders. The boy was tall and lean. He had a beautiful smile that matched his handsome face.

It wasn’t the fact that Myungsoo had close guy friends other than Sungjong that made him anxious. It was the way that Myungsoo hugged the boy that caused an uncomfortable ache at the pit of his stomach. They seemed very friendly with each other. Too friendly.

“Looking for someone?” A voice called out next to Sungjong, snapping him out of his thoughts.

Sungjong shook his head at the student near the window. Instead of asking for Myungsoo, he wanted to know the identity of the boy next to his bestfriend.

“That guy? That’s Lee Sungyeol. He’s the club manager of the Photography Club. Myungsoo and Sungyeol stuck to each other ever since they met. Were you looking for either one of them?”

When the student turned back to Sungjong, the boy was already making his way back to his classroom, gripping the pamphlet tightly.

“I told you I joined the Photography Club, right? Well, he’s the club manager. We became great friends after getting to know each other. He’s a nice guy and we have a lot in common too, but…” Myungsoo brushed his bangs back and let out a long sigh. “he has a boyfriend.”

Sungjong saw the look in his eyes. Desire. Yearning. He recognized it because it was the same as his.

Myungsoo didn’t seem the least bit discouraged by Sungyeol’s relationship status as he continued to stay by his side, convinced that Sungyeol would fall in love with him as long as he persevered.

--

A week later, the day that Sungjong dreaded the most arrived.

“Sungjong, this is Sungyeol. Sungyeol, this is my childhood friend Sungjong.”

Sungjong waved shyly at the tall boy who suddenly pulled him into a tight hug.

“Nice to meet you, cutie.” Releasing Sungjong from the bear hug, Sungyeol leaned down slightly to meet him eye to eye and ruffled his hair affectionately.

Myungsoo beamed upon seeing the exchange between the two boys. He was nervous at first, afraid that Sungyeol and Sungjong wouldn’t get along as the former was chatty and mischievous while the latter was shy and quiet, but watching Sungyeol take the first step to approach Sungjong, Myungsoo was ecstatic.

And he found himself falling deeper in love. He was so blinded by love, in fact, that he failed to notice Sungjong fall behind, forgotten.

“-and then Minseok threw that ball right through the window of the teacher’s office!”

“Seriously? He must’ve gotten into hell lot of trouble.”

“You bet. Mr Park was freakin’ mad! He…“

Sungjong watched the two boys walking in front of him while they joked and laughed with each other. He had tried to join in their conversation but he found it hard to when all they talked about were either photography or incidents that happened within their own circle of friends, giving no opportunity for Sungjong to utter a word.

“By the way, I tried that new game you lent me yesterday.”

“How was it? Hard, right? Only Sungjong can play up to level 4, right, Sungjong?”

Myungsoo turned to Sungjong whose face lit up with joy, finally finding the chance to participate.

“Yes! You just have to-”

 “Speaking of which, Junhyung is also really good at the game. He’s already at level 6!” Sungyeol cut in, rendering the timid boy silent once more.

The two resumed their conversation, paying no attention to Sungjong, who already had his head down, watching his feet as he dragged them along the ground.

The three found an empty table in the cafeteria. Myungsoo volunteered to treat his two bestfriends to lunch, asking them what they each wanted to eat. Sungjong wanted to go with him to help him carry some things, or maybe have some privacy to finally talk, but Myungsoo only shook his head, wanting Sungjong and Sungyeol to get to know each other more.

Sungjong played with his fingers awkwardly, not knowing what to say to the tall boy. He was never good at making friends which hadn’t been a problem for him since he preferrred having only Myungsoo by his side. Now that he was suddenly into this unfamiliar situation, Sungjong didn’t know how to deal with it.

Sungjong’s gaze wandered around the cafeteria until they landed on Myungsoo who was currently lining up at the cashier. His action, however, did not go unnoticed. Sungyeol turned around, following Sungjong’s line of vision and smirked.

“About Myungsoo…” Sungyeol trailed off, the name effectively catching the boy’s attention. “What is he to you?”

Sungjong choked at his words, apalled at being caught staring at his bestfriend but even more so at the fact that his true feelings were exposed from the knowing look on Sungyeol’s face.

“H-He’s a very important…friend.” Sungjong stuttered, trying to appear unaffected by Sungyeol’s inquisitive stare. The tall boy didn’t seem convinced but he didn’t probe further. In fact, he looked rather amused at Sungjong’s reaction.

Sungyeol hummed in response. He suddenly broke into a smile. “Then, you won’t mind if I take him, do you?”

“What?” Sungjong gasped out, hoping he heard him wrong. “Don’t you have a boyfriend, Sungyeol-shi.”

“I do. We’re more like buddies, though. Nothing serious.” He replied nonchalantly, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “Myungsoo, on the other hand, adores me. Besides, who doesn’t like having someone pamper them, right?”

Sungjong gathered the fabric of his pants in his hands as if to gather strength. He had to say something, anything, that would make Sungyeol change his mind.

“Myungsoo’s different than other guys. He doesn’t play around when it comes to relationships. H-He’s serious about the person he likes.” he said, all in one breath.

“Seems like he’s more than just a “friend” to you, Sungjong-shi.” Sungyeol observed, noting the flushed appearance of the smaller boy. “Don’t worry. I’ll take good care of him.”

Sungjong, however, did not feel reassured from his words at all. He didn’t want to see the love of his life fall into the clutches of a two-faced player. Watching Sungjong at a loss figuring out what to do, entertained Sungyeol to no end so he decided to mess with him even more.

“You love Myungsoo, am I right?” Sungyeol questioned, his eyes holding false sympathy. “If you truly love him, you must sacrifice your selfish desires and let him be with the one he loves.”

Sungyeol leaned forward, and whispered into the boy’s ear, “You understand what I mean, don’t you?” The usual smile he plastered onto his face left him abruptly and his voice, laced with menace, echoed the words, “Get lost.”

Sungjong felt tears welling up but he refused to let them fall, not wanting to give Sungyeol the satisfaction of witnessing his weak side. He saw Myungsoo making his way back to their table and immediately turned away, hiding his pained expression.

“Did you two have a nice chat while I’m gone?” Myungsoo asked, taking a seat next to Sungyeol who was grinning widely at him.

“Of course we did! Sungjong is such a sweetheart!” he exclaimed. Sungyeol reached towards the boy to ruffle his hair but Sungjong avoided his hand and stood up.

“Please excuse me.” Sungjong whispered before fleeing from the couple, not stopping even at the voice of Myungsoo calling him back.

Sungjong ran down the flight of stairs, ignoring the looks of the students nearby. With his vision blurred with tears, he slipped on the last couple of steps. His arms shot out to grab hold onto the railing but he missed by a second, his body falling forward.

A hand caught onto his wrist, pulling him into a firm chest, before he and the other person both landed at the bottom of the stairs, entangled in each other’s limbs.

Sungjong pushed himself up, locking eyes with his savior. “H-Hoya”

Hoya rubbed the back of his head, muttering, “I’m fine” to the startled boy. Upon seeing Sungjong’s tear-stained face, he panicked and swiftly sat up to check Sungjong’s body for injuries.

“Are you okay? Are you hurt?” he asked, repeatedly, turning the boy side to side.

Seeing Hoya for the first time since a month and overwhelmed by his pent-up emotions, Sungjong broke down, sobbing into Hoya’s shoulder. Hoya smoothed the boy’s hair, whispering words of comfort until Sungjong’s sobs reduced to sniffles.

They moved to the space under the staircase, out of everyone’s sight. Sungjong, his head on Hoya’s shoulder, confided in him the discovery of Myungsoo’s crush and his feelings of isolation and hopelessness, leaving out Sungyeol’s threat as he didn’t want to cause Myungsoo any unnecessary trouble.

“Why don’t you find someone else, Jong? Someone that will treasure you and give you the love that you deserve.” Hoya stated.

Sungjong sat up until he was at eye level with him.

“What do you mean?” Hoya saw the confusion written in his eyes and tilted his chin up, pulling Sungjong close.

“I’m telling you to consider me.”

Myungsoo apologized profusely to Sungyeol before he bolted for the door, leaving his tall friend, dumbfounded and alone, at their table. He felt sorry for leaving his friend behind but he was more concerned about Sungjong at the moment.

He headed down the staircase to the first floor, where he caught a glimpse of Sungjong’s side profile at the bottom.

“Sung-“ Myungsoo caught himself from uttering the remaining part of Sungjong’s name when he recognized the other person sitting beside his childhood friend.

Lee Howon.

Hoya, who spotted Myungsoo at the corner of his eyes, released Sungjong’s chin, grabbed his face with both hands, and pressed his lips against the boy’s soft ones.

While Sungjong’s eyes were shut tight, Hoya's remained open, boring into Myungsoo’s as a feeling of possessiveness took over.