What's Invisible to the Eye

September, 2010

Gay. That’s what people call me. Is it so wrong to love someone even though we have the same gender? Why must people judge me so harshly? I just wanted someone to love and love me back. There is no one in the world that understands me. And so I decided to start a diary to write out all my emotions towards this person.

Sungjong gasped as the bucket of water resting at the edge of the door of the toilet cubicle tipped forward, pouring a flood of cold water over him. Water dripped from his hair and the corners of his uniform, forming a puddle at his feet.

A series of mocking laughter and claps sounded outside his cubicle.

“Serves you right, .” Woohyun sneered while giving a few hard smacks across Sungjong’s cheeks.

Sunggyu stepped forward and leaned his arm on Sungjong’s shoulder.

“Now, now. Don’t be so rough on him, Woohyun. You wouldn’t want to mess up his pretty face. After all, that’s all he got. Isn’t that right, Lee Sungjong?” he snickered, tilting Sungjong’s face up to look at him.

What he didn’t expect was the glare that Sungjong gave him.  The boy didn’t utter a word during the whole time but his eyes expressed his obvious hatred as he stared back into his bully’s, defiantly.

Sunggyu’s expression immediately hardened upon receiving that glare. He grabbed a handful of Sungjong’s wet bangs and pressed his face close to him.

“You dare look at me like that?” he scowled, his grip tightening.

Sungjong yelped as he clawed at the hand, trying to pry it away from his head. Before things got heated up, Hoya rushed into the bathroom.

“Let’s get out of here. A teacher’s coming this way.”

Sunggyu gave Sungjong a last threatening look before shoving him back into the cubicle and slamming the door shut. Woohyun barricaded the door with brooms and chairs, making sure the boy couldn’t get out and headed outside the bathroom to join his friends.

Sungjong winced as he slowly stood up. He placed his ear against the door and sighed in relief when he finally heard the bullies’ footsteps sound farther and farther away from the bathroom.

Looking down at his drenched clothes, he decided he would have to change into his tracksuit for the remaining school hours.

However, the door wouldn’t open no matter how hard he twisted the doorknob. Panicked, Sungjong pounded the door hard.

“Help! Please open the door! Somebody, please!” he cried, hoping someone would come save him.

But his cries fell on deaf ears as the bullies had taken him to the bathroom at the far end of the school grounds, where students and teachers rarely walked by.

Sungjong slid down onto his knees and slumped back against the door. His teeth gnawed against his lower lip as he bit down in frustration.

Sunggyu, Woohyun, Hoya. The three famous bullies of the school. They were known to be involved in countless violent fights with gangs from other boys’ schools. Sunggyu and Woohyun were the main instigators in most of their fights with Sunggyu’s quick-temper and Woohyun’s biting remarks. Hoya was the quiet one among them. His main role was to act as a guard dog to make sure there were no teachers patrolling the hallway. But he was also extremely agile and never lost in any fight.

Violent and uncontrollable, even the teachers stopped disciplining them, choosing to turn a blind eye to their bullying, after one of the previous teachers tried to stop them but ended up being beaten to a bloody pulp and had quit the school shortly after.

Unfortunately for Sungjong, he became their latest victim. They had never really gone beyond shoving, seeing no fun in beating him up as they knew Sungjong was too weak to fight back. But they taunted him endlessly, waiting for him to break.

Sungjong wrapped his arms around his knees. Bitter tears slid down his cheeks as he buried his face into his arms and sobbed, pitifully, all alone.

--

Sungjong dragged his feet as he slowly walked along his usual route back home. The sky had turned dark by the time the janitor found him in the bathroom. He returned to his classroom with a note from his homeroom teacher on his desk asking him to see him tomorrow for missing the afternoon classes.

I’m probably going to have detention again he thought, his lips twisted in annoyance. His attendance record hadn’t been so great ever since he became the bullies’ target. His grades had also been falling. He figured he should get his act together if he wanted to be accepted into university but how could he when he constantly had to watch his back?

Typing in the passcode of his apartment, Sungjong opened the door and looked into the usual dark room.

Ever since he was young, Sungjong’s parents were busy with work and had no time to look after him. He spent most of his time at his grandparents’ house or at a neighbor’s house.

On his birthdays, his mother would leave him a gift on the dining table but she gradually stopped after she was promoted to a higher position in the company and was buried in work. Yet, she would still leave a note wishing him ‘Happy Birthday’. But those eventually stopped too until there was nothing left.

His parents, shortly, divorced, leaving Sungjong in his mother’s care but nothing changed. She would rarely come home and Sungjong would sit at the dining table alone as he ate the meals he cooked himself.

As his mother was recently transferred to the States, Sungjong got the apartment to himself. There were occasional phone calls from her but their conversations fell into the same pattern of repetitive questions asking him how he was and if he ate. Sungjong would tell her he was doing fine but he knew she wasn’t really listening as she was always in a rush to hang up.

 Sungjong was used to being left alone yet he earned for company. His worries at school only added to his feelings of loneliness.

Not bothering to fix himself something to eat, he kicked off his shoes and made his way to his room. He plopped down onto the bed, his arms spread out on either side. He decided he would shower the morning after since he was so worn out from the incident this morning.

Sungjong could feel his eyelids becoming heavier until they closed. But before he fell into a deep sleep, he heard tapping sounds outside his window. Sitting up, he realized it was the sound of small rocks bouncing off the glass. Sungjong pulled the curtains to the side and looked out.

“Sungjong! Over here!” a voice called.

Sungjong looked down and saw Myungsoo waving up at him. He was holding something wrapped in a handkerchief in one arm. His other arm was out at his side, motioning towards the direction of his front door.

Sungjong, swiftly, got off the bed and headed towards the door. His fatigue had left him completely. He opened the door to let Myungsoo in, who placed the rectangular object on top of the dining table.

“My mom told me to come and give you these side dishes.”

“Oh…thanks. You didn’t have to come all the way here. I could’ve picked them up at your place.”

“What are you talking about. We live just next door to each other. Doesn’t really make a difference, does it?” Myungsoo laughed, ruffling Sungjong’s hair.

Myungsoo met Sungjong back at elementary school. While all the other students ran out excitedly after school to greet their parents, Sungjong was the only one in class that walked home by himself. After he found out that Sungjong lived right next door, Myungsoo invited Sungjong over to his house to play and they had been close friends ever since.

He knew that Sungjong was lonely so he visited him as often as possible. They went to school and back home together. Sometimes, he would stay the night at Sungjong’s place playing video games and reading magazines together.

Even though their classrooms were at different sides of the school building, Myungsoo would look for Sungjong during breaks and lunch time. He looked out for the boy like a big brother would.

But for Sungjong, it was a different story. At first, he looked up to Myungsoo as a big brother figure but that admiration eventually turned into feelings of love. However, he knew he couldn’t tell him his real feelings because Myungsoo would definitely feel repulsed by him. He didn’t want to risk their current relationship. So he kept up his act as a bestfriend and younger brother.

“I tried calling you today but you didn’t pick up. Did you have afterschool activities or something?”

“Oh…yeah…I-I was busy with som-something.” he stuttered, trying to come up with an excuse. He couldn’t possibly tell Myungsoo he was bullied.

But Myungsoo knew Sungjong was lying. His friend never was a good liar and he learned to pick up the signs over the years of growing up together.

“Did something happen?”

Yes.

“No.”

“You know you can tell me anything right?”

I wish I could.

“Nothing’s wrong.”

Myungsoo flattened his lips into a straight line. He could tell that something was wrong but he didn’t want to probe further, not when Sungjong didn’t want to talk about it.

Sungjong, as always, just smiled.





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