BONUS .03

It was finally summer vacation. The third trimester had ended and everyone, apart from those living in private apartment blocks like Kris, had been kicked out of their dorms in order for the cleaning staff to properly vacate the rooms for the new freshman arriving in September.

There was no awkwardness between me and Luhan, though there was a strange tension that hadn’t always been there. Or, perhaps, it had been and I’d simply never paid it much heed. The tension wasn’t suffocating, really. It just…was.

It simply was.

By the arrival of summer, I’d realised my ‘feelings’ for Luhan had been rather fickle and naïve. It wasn’t that I didn’t care for him — I did. Though, I just didn’t have it in me to love him as more than just a friend.

Maybe, it wasn’t him. Actually, no, I was pretty sure that it wasn’t him. It was me. I believed my closest friends, the boys — especially Baekhyun — liked to pretend the incident that happened when I was thirteen, never happened at all. He, like the others, liked to pretend that Dohyun had never existed and that he’d never hurt me. That he’d never laid hands on me in any way.

Truthfully, I pretended just the same. I acted as if those years of my life didn’t affect me. I pretended I wasn’t, deep down, afraid of men because I was tiny and they weren’t, and they could easily overpower me. I pretended that time could heal the wounds I never bothered to properly dress. I pretended that being didn’t take a huge chunk out of me.

And, maybe, that was what had been wrong with me all along. Maybe that was why I couldn’t bring myself to fully fall in love with someone other than Chanyeol. Maybe that was why I couldn’t bring myself to even look at guys outside of my friend group. I quite literally could not like a person I didn’t fully know.

I didn’t hate myself, as a lot of women did after being like I was. Sure, I’d went through the stages of self-loathe, self-blame, constant fear and paranoia…I went through all of it. But it was Chanyeol who helped me deal with those things. He taught me to love myself, he taught me to value myself.

He made me laugh again, they all did; Baekhyun, Kai, Jongdae, Sehun. They made me smile when I thought I’d never smile again. They helped me deal with the anger within me but what they never helped me with, because it never really came into play at the time, was my ability to develop healthy, romantic relationships with people.

They couldn’t help me with my lack of ual drive. I was numb. I would always be numb, I thought. Kyungsoo encouraged me to try dating out-with our circle of friends but it was only on my first date, with a perfectly kind and gentlemanly sophomore named Jeon Jungkook, that I realised this problem I had.

I couldn’t see men as romantic partners. That was why I was incapable of giving people an answer whenever they asked me who I would rather date out of my friend group. But, at 19, I had an answer.

None of them.

I loved myself too much to let them hurt me and I loved them too much to allow a bad relationship to tear us apart. I loved them too much to give them the chance to screw our friendship over. And, deep down, I knew they wouldn’t. They’d never hurt me, they valued me too much. But that didn’t stop me from fearing the possibility. That didn’t stop me from fearing love.

I sought out a therapist after that date. He only confirmed my suspicions. He told me that he believed the reason I was so infatuated with Park Chanyeol was because not only did I see him as my saviour, but in my heart I must’ve somehow known that our relationship would never transcend platonic. He also told me that I should’ve sought out therapy long before then, that the damage time had done to me would be difficult, though not impossible, to reverse.

He recommended a lot of things to me, things I shied away from, things I feared doing even though I understood how helpful they could turn out to be. 

I didn’t tell anyone about the therapy sessions. I didn’t want the boys to worry about me, or rather, I didn’t want them to ask questions and make me answer them. I wasn't ready for that, so, I didn’t tell them.

That didn’t mean they didn’t find out.

—

“I’m thinking…sand, parasols and hot girls in bikinis,” Kai blurted out one day. It was the seventh day in our summer vacation. The lot of us were lounging in the old hangout we used to frequently occupy. 

It always felt weird returning here, without Chanyeol and Sehun. But it was something we told ourselves we wouldn’t have to get used to, not for long. At least, regarding Sehun.

“Hmm…does it have cocktails, sun and a beautiful view?” Jongdae asked as he splayed himself across the red sofa and, subsequently, across my lap. I ran my fingers through his hair, messing it up but it wasn’t like he cared.

He was like a cat; he loved being petted and in the most innocent way possible. I chose not to think about the times he didn’t mean it in a pure, censored way. I chose to ignore the fact that even if these boys were my best friends, they still had very primal, very instinctual needs.

Just because we shared platonic relationships, did not mean awkward situations never arose. It just meant that we always managed to move past those weird moments.

“Yes, yes and yes, in many ways,” Kai confirmed with that flirty smirk of his. I rolled my eyes but continued to listen to them converse.

“Beach trip?” Baekhyun asked as he returned with a tray of drinks. He threw each of us a can of juice, though Jongdae caught mine for me and handed it over. I thanked him and ruffled his hair. “I’m down with that. Nara?”

“I’ll do whatever you guys want to do,” I shrugged, answering truthfully. “I’ll invite Taengo and Fany. Maybe a few of the other girls.” It would be the first time in a long time since we’d been to the beach, and I wanted my next experience to include my newest female friends.

“We could invite some of the other guys,” Baekhyun mused, scratching his jaw. Jongdae immediately sat up and shook his head fervently. 

“Ani! I don’t want even more guys staring at our Nara’s body,” he reasoned. His attention was then on me as he pointed his finger in my face. “And you, you’re not allowed to wear a bikini. Remember last time?”

“Oppa, no one even spared me a glance,” I told him, giggling. “You guys think more of me than other guys do.”

“Andwae,” Baekhyun balked, sitting down next to Kai. The younger draped a casual arm over his shoulders. “Too many guys stared at your body. You’re wearing a swimsuit, as well as jeans and a long-sleeved shirt.”

I laughed and shook my head at how overprotective they were. I’d never deny that I was rather pretty, but I sure wasn’t that special. There were plenty of far more beautiful women in the world. I didn’t say that to devalue myself, I just liked to accept the truth. 

Surely, my friends knew that.

“If anyone looks at you funny, I’ll beat them up,” Kai stated confidently. I rolled my eyes at him, though his response was a cheeky wink.

I was about to retort with something very Baekhyun-like but my phone rang, cutting me off. Jongdae reached into my pocket and retrieved it, answering it without my consent.

It wasn’t like it bothered me, anyways.

“Yoboseyo? Er…no. This isn’t Kim Nara, it’s her…boyfriend,” he lied, all the while harbouring a confused expression on his face. I furrowed my brows and mouthed questions to him. “Excuse me? No, I wasn’t aware that she was seeing you for therapeutic sessions.”

My eyes widened and I lunged at him, desperately trying to pry the phone out of his hands. Jongdae swiftly got off the sofa, escaping my grabbing hands.

“Therapy?” Baekhyun blinked. Kai, too, looked confused.

“I see…no, no. You’re right, she probably didn’t want to worry me. I’ll speak with her. Yes, I’ll tell her you called. Thank you, Bang seonsaengnim,” Jongdae brought the call to an end and hung up. His hand fell to his side and he stared expectantly at me. “Nara-ya?”

“Why are you seeing a doctor?” Baekhyun asked.

“—correction, I’m seeing a therapist,” I mumbled, burying my hands between my thighs. I stared down at my lap, afraid to meet their gazes. “I’m, um, seeing a therapist. I’ve been seeing him for a while now.”

I figured they were going to find out anyway, so I might as well tell them now. 

“He’s— he’s been helping me deal with some…problems,” I explained, rather vaguely. “Regarding, um…things.” God, I didn’t know it would be this hard. “Sorry I didn’t tell you guys before. I didn’t want you guys to worry or, I don’t know, pity me.”

“Kim Nara, come with me,” Baekhyun ordered. I looked up and saw that he was already standing, hand outstretched as he waited. I swallowed thickly before getting to my feet and slipping my small hand into his pretty one.

“Yah, where are you taking her?” Jongdae demanded. “We want to know things, too! Yah, Byun Baekhyun!”

“Hyung, just leave them,” Kai murmured as he watched us leave the hangout. “I think Baek hyung knows more about this than we do.”

We got outside and Baekhyun stopped near a streetlamp. Goosebumps blanketed my arms and I hugged myself, the memory of Chanyeol and myself standing in this very spot, probing my mind. I didn’t want to remember that moment.

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