Hoya Pov

I dance those same dance steps for the million times.. sweats dripping through my whole body.. breathe hitched and eyes focused on the mirror.. gazed in every step I know now by heart and yet the mind travels to another place called the ed up Lee Howon snap out of it world..!

Dancing like a maniac help clears out my thoughts and rage and basically put me down to a level where I can no longer move.

Believe me it helps.

Or at least that what I tell myself.. !

I walk or crawl outside with a hanged towel on my neck not bothered to wipe the sweats on my face.. I drowned some water on the way.. my legs are getting more heavy and then go straight to the living room where my room stand cross from the TV couple of inches.. I wanted to ignore the laughs.. I wanted to go straight and get in but my stupid eye avert its way to land .. on him

That horrible horrible wrinkled dimpled damned face

I hissed when he stopped laughing and stared at me.. I walk anyway leaving him questioning what I just meant with it..

I got in.. slam the door way too hard non intentionally

Yeah see how it helps..?

I throw the towel on the floor 

Dongwoo: “what the hell hoya..?”

I throw my hands in air as if he have super power to tell and just took my clothes to shower in.

The cold water also helps..I would like to think I am a doctor sometimes and my believes are the law.

-

Dongwoo: laughing while getting in our room, “have you heard ?”

Hoya: wearing my tank tee, “try to knock douchebag..!”

He shrugs 

Hoya: putting a towel on my hair, “heard what?”

Dongwoo: return laughing hard as if I made a joke, collapsing on the floor “Myungsoo is dying his hair !! our boss said so” ,laughing and wiping tears, “imagine him going blonde.. just like that stupid Japanese thing he did”

The mind is a machine that was built to embarrass you or at least mine do.. my mind tries plays all sick games on me while trying to picture L with different hair color.. it was impossible to think of and yet I felt my cheeks heated

Dongwoo: Waving, “HOOOOYAAAA..!!”

And for the love of god snap out of it LEE HOWON

-

Things are going too fast.. we are preparing for our first comeback live for Back.. and each of us is getting final touches with makeup.. noonas are doing great job with mine I look so astonishing you will droll all over the place.. my hair is getting bright brown but not that brownish and I keep wondering how Kim Myungsoo hair is doing.. I start biting my nails without knowing till noona yelled at me

I sigh and walk to the van in my regular seat.. I start texting Dongwoo but then he appear making a fuzz and loud noise

My eyes avert again to what the fuzz about 

And Yeol was screaming: “CUUUTEEE”

While greasy Woohyun had his arm linked on Myungsoo neck

And Kim *breathing hard* Myungsoo

He look at me for a second and shifted nervously

I can tell he hates it.. as if he feels the sky is too bright on him he keeps closing his eyes and a deep frown on his face till he sit on the usual place in the van

That place is the furthest from me.. why ? because I told him to !!

L POV

I feel like an ugly duck.. this blonde just throw me off.. and all those stares and attentions is making me feel sick.. exposed.. and definitely not in my zone

This is not me

Cute is not me

I feel like throwing up.. and the tears art starting to build in my eyes as I stare at the street in the ride.. 

He mocks me..!

He look at me as if nothing

I sigh not wanting to cry in front of all.. I will definitely not be shaken by Hoya.. the guy just don’t give a damn about me.. and I don’t know why it matters so much..!

I don’t know why.. I feel so helpless wanting his approval

And yet worse

I helplessly want him to recognize me.. but whenever he look at me.. he frowns as if I remind him of something disgusting 

But I know

I know what he thinks.. that I am just a reminder how face matters.. and not skills..!

Hoya that works hard every day to show you what he capable of.. he glows like a star that I can’t reach.. I try hard to make him accept me.. but I stopped when he snaps on me

That’s the day I realized

He hates my existence..!

-

We are on stage.. this is the first broadcast of our Back performance.. I am as always as nervous as hell.. I fear to mess up and most of all I fear to let them down..!

I stand in my position

And it doesn’t help to be in a position where I face him.. my eyes were stuck in the ground.. I know I should look at him.. that’s the whole point of this step.. but I can’t get my eyes to his.. I feel as if his stare is burning a hole in my skin.. I can feel it but I don’t dare to look.. I can hear the fans waiting.. we didn’t start yet.. suddenly

Hoya: “L”

His voice startle me and my eyes snaps to his..!

Hoya: “Breathe”

I let the air in my lungs out.. I had no idea I was holding in.. my eyes are staring into him as if asking are we really talking ? 

Hoya: “you ..” (he seems hesitate) “you know the moves by heart”

I nodded hard while averting my gaze to our feet.. I am standing few inches of him.. that’s the closest I had been to Hoya since I don’t know when.. unless you count that pull move in last Romeo which never really felt well.. like the words “ STAY AWAY FROM ME” wasn’t enough to hear from him.. now I get to be pulled aggressively repeatedly in front of all our fans..!

Sigh

He snaps and both hands suddenly land on my shoulder and eyes avert to him again.. whole body numb

L: (whispers) “Howon..”

He close his eyes for a second.. and I stare at him not knowing what to do.. if this was Yeol then I would probably hug him till death.. if it was Woohyun we will act greasy you have no idea how much we can reach.. if its Gyu I will ruffle his hair.. if it’s Songjong I would display my affection to our maknae.. if it was Dongwoo well.. nothing is certain with Dongwoo..

But its Hoya

Its Lee Howon that can make me numb.. and helpless

Hoya: opens his eyes, “Do the moves properly”

He shouldn’t say more I get it.. he means take your eyes from the ground and look at me.. but yet I still shiver from the coldness.. his hands are strong and firm on my shoulder blades and I nod as if my life depend on the line

L: (barely) “Ok”

And as if I said the magic words.. his hands slowly dropped from my shoulder but it caress the length of both my bare arms and I curse while my eyes closes for second

And I don’t know if it’s my mind but I can swear I felt him smirk.. The song start playing.. and I felt the few inches were one inch and through the land noise of the music and the fan chant.. 

I only see Howon eyes.. I only hear Howon breath.. I only feel Howon hand

And I couldn’t function till his part start playing and he drifts away leaving his trace

And I already for a second there missed him 

And I cursed myself for the million times..!

I feel like a beggar
I can’t let go like this.. it’s suffocating
Without noticing your shadow,
Maybe I’ll gradually grow crazy..!
The view is dark in my eyes
Only you shine brightly..

No matter how much you discard me or block me
I’ll never let you go

[INFINITE - BTD]

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