title: friends with benefits
pairing: girl!sehun/kai
genre: angst, romance
rating: PG-15
warnings: implied , violence, foul language, panic disorder
summary: childhood friends sehee and jongin decided to embark on a friends with benefits relationship.
things went downhill as one of them starts to mess up.

Sehee never understood the motive behind self-harm- she never understood the pleasure of paining yourself or the idea of going through suffer on your own. She never knew what it felt like inflicting pain onto herself- until things with Jongin got way out of hand.

It has been the third time in a week Sehee came over for ual relief at Jongin’s place, and he was getting harder to get rid of. They have been at it for three months now- calling each other friends with (extremely good) benefits. At the back of Sehee’s mind, she knew that this was wrong, that someone was bound to mess up sooner or later, and she’d hate to say that she was that someone.

It was perfect timing- or the perfect opportunity, Sehee would say. Both she and Jongin were just out of relationships about the same time; Jongin with Kyungsoon, a girl he met at work, and Sehun with Luhan, an old classmate back in university. Both being childhood friends ever since they could remember has the first instinct to reach out for one another, to seek comfort for a lonely heart. A hangout at Sehee’s bedroom soon turned into innocent pecking then a full fledge make out and before she knew it, Sehee woke up to Jongin entangled in between her sheets the next morning.

To keep it simple, or ‘uncomplicated’ in Jongin’s words, they decided to just have without any relations to one another. It felt simple, though fragile, but Sehee being Sehee convinced herself repeatedly that she would be able to pull this off until she found herself a new guy. Besides, she managed to hide and eventually swallow her feelings for Jongin back in her teenage years and she was convinced that she didn’t have any leftover feelings for him, so what else could go wrong?

Everything.

The both of them collapsed onto Jongin’s king sized bed, taking deep gasps of breaths as their chests heaved heavily. Jongin proved that he was a great kisser and an even greater lover, and every time he came over, Sehee was bound to drown herself in post ic bliss.

“That was…” Jongin gasped.

“… Great. That was great ,” Sehee completed his sentence, pulling his duvet up to her chest as she stared at the white ceilings of Jongin’s bedroom. She hummed to herself as her eyes wandered around the room, already imagining the things she would do to Jongin’s extremely masculine bedroom. She would take her time placing pictures of them both on his bedside table… maybe change his bed sheets into a light shade of brown… maybe have her cat Pinkeupinkeu sleep at the foot of their bed every night…

Sehee stopped herself before she went any further. That was the problem- that was what made her that someone who messed up. She was irrevocably in love with Jongin.

She didn’t ask for it- it naturally came over time. All it took was three months and constantly meeting up for that Sehee couldn’t help but feel what she felt. She cracked open her eyelids one morning, sniffing the morning air that breezed through her window and broke into a lazy smile as she noticed the brown fluff of hair spilled all over her pillow. Jongin’s eyelids were fluttered close and she could hear his soft snoring, and Sehee just wished she could witness this every waking morning of her life. And that was when she knew.

Her condition got worse after that. She started daydreaming about Jongin outside the expanse of their current relationship. She dreamed of the days both her and Jongin would shop for groceries together. She dreamed of adopting another cat with him and together make all of their pets get along in their shared apartment. She dreamed of sharing whispered love confessions underneath a blanket of stars... that, and a bunch of other mushy, lovey dovey stuff.

It’s not like she could help herself- her love for him was impulsive, and it caught her in a state of whimsical daydreaming whenever it wants, and Sehee swore that was the cause behind her constant buzz every day.

She curled her body close towards Jongin, too close that his body warmth radiated against her pale skin. Sehee brushed her supple lips against the bone of his shoulder, pecking it softly as her eyelids fluttered close, wishing that they could stay like this forever.

“I’ve gotta clean this up,” Jongin spoke as he sat up. Sehee noticed the way he seemed to avoid getting too close to her, avoid looking at her in the eye for God knows what reason, and it would be a lie if she said that did not hurt one bit.

“Don’t worry, I’ll come back,” Jongin chuckled when he finally looked back at her, noticing the longing in her face as he one side of her cheek with one of his long fingers. Sehee nodded solemnly as she watched him climb out of bed stark , not forgetting to admire his glorious backside before he disappeared behind the bathroom door.

Sehee hummed pleasantly when Jongin eventually climbed back into bed with a new pair of boxer briefs, disappearing under a sea of blankets with just his head uncovered by the duvet. “What do you want for dinner? Jajangmyeon sounds good to you?”

“Jajangmyeon sounds lovely,” Sehee nodded, one hand already creeping to search for Jongin’s own pair before her nimble fingers slipped in between his calloused ones, her thumb caressing the skin behind his palm softly.

“What are you doing, Sehee-yah?” Jongin chuckled rather awkwardly as he snatched his hand away, eyebrows quirked in amusement. His smile faltered when he noticed the obvious hurt in her facial expressions before a sigh ensued.

“Sehee, I think we need to talk,” Jongin did that thing where he avoided looking at her face again as he scratched the back of his head as he sat up on his bed again, pushing the duvet off his body.

“What? What did I do wrong?” Sehee too sat up, hurt and confusion twisted into her facial features. “Jongin, what’s wrong?”

“All of this. All of this is wrong. And you’re getting weird because of this, aren’t you?” Jongin’s voice felt cold and sharp like it was slowly cutting her into pieces. Jongin turned to look at her in the eye. “You have feelings for me, don’t you?”

Sehee looked away, pushing her hair back as she sighed loudly, lower lip trembling.

“Don’t dare tell me I’m wrong, Sehee. I’ve known you for too long to know when you’re falling for someone. And it’s me this time, isn’t it?”

Sehee felt the first wave of tears welling up her eyes. She dared to life her head and stare at the man sitting beside her. “So what? What if I am indeed falling in love with you? Why do you care?”

Jongin groaned in frustration this time, rubbing his face with his large hands. “I asked you many times, Sehee. Asked you many times if you’re okay with this. If you’re okay with jumping into something like this. It’s supposed to be… to be something that’s simple for the both of us, not… not this,”

Sehee silently wiped the tears trickling down her face. “It’s my feelings, not yours, Jongin. Stop making such a big deal out of this,”

She could hear him scoff in disbelief from the side. Sehee gasped when she felt his hand gripping onto her shoulder. “And what, hurt your feelings along the way? I can’t do that to you, Sehee. I’m your best friend. What kind of a best friend would I be if I knowingly hurt you over and over again?”

Tears would not stop flowing down Sehee’s cheeks no matter how hard she tried not to cry. “Don’t… don’t make this about me, Jongin. Don’t try to turn this on me,”

“I’m not trying to do that, Sehee. It’s just… that was the first thing I told you not to do. I told you not