Mid-May 2015

Patience is truly a virtue.

Unfortunately, it didn't seem to be a virtue that I owned.

Growing up, I had personally witnessed patience to be something special, something particularly difficult to obtain in our fast-paced world.

My mother was the world's most impatient person; she blew her top so many times I couldn't even count and she was not able to even wait a minute before leaving to go anywhere.

Contrary to her, my father was very patient; he got angry at times yet managed to hold in his anger and he would wait days for anyone to go anywhere. Perhaps that was why they fit together so well.

It seemed that I had inherited my mother's patience capacity because just like the fast-paced development of this world, I too became a very impatient person. When it came to electronicc devices or waiting or keeping my temper down, it seemed that patience was never on my side. My temper was known for being quick and it was one of the things I worked on constantly to improve myself.

But then there was Kim Jiwon.

Jiwon wasn't the world's most patient person, yet he managed deal with situations in a respectful manner. Not only that but he never got mad at me for being a slow person (which everyone else seemed to dislike about me).

Once I had asked him about it, in which he answered "Sometimes in life, you really have no choice but to be patient. It's fate working its magic. It just takes a little time."

I respected him a lot for that. I found it incredible when people were able to hold in such frustrating feelings when I couldn't even do it for a mere second. 

It was going to take a lot of work or fate, as Jiwon said,  to turn me into someone with a high patience capacity.

A full month had passed since I had spent the night at the iKON dorm. May had reached the peak of spring from the flowers blooming every corner, to the fresh warm breezes, the the bright green leaves to the signs of life from birds, to  squirrels, to groundhogs popping up everywhere I went. 

I hadn't spoken a word to Jiwon since then and it seemed I wouldn't for a while. He was currently in America, attending his older brother's wedding (he got permission to go; I could practically hear his smile from the other side of the screen when he texted me) and wouldn't be back for awhile.

That made me glad because then he would not only spend quality time with his family (who I knew were the ones that made him happiest), it also gave me time to reflect on my feelings...and what i was going to do with them.

 I had never had experience with these kind of emotions and adding them to my current situation was stressing me out.

School was going along okay; for once my grades were actually quite good. Studying wasn't so bad seeing as I was procrastinating a lot less, and I spoke to my family in the States often.

It was the future that was scaring me.

Mainly what I was going to do about my current state of emotions and the fact I was leaving in August and never going to see the main source of my emotional state ever again.

I didn't know what to do with them and as pathetic as it sounded, I was starting to worry about them daily. It was eating away at me inside.

The only thing that calmed down my feelings was writing new installments in "Ten Things About Kim Jiwon" as well as working on other writing projects as well. My teacher, Mrs. Yoon had told me the other day that my writing was steadily improving and that someday I even had the potential to spread mass influence.

"Do you plan on writing as a career?"

"...I do it for fun to be quite honest. I never really considered it."

"Ah. Well, Emmy I really do think you should consider taking Journalism in University. You have really strong opinions and an interesting writing style. I suggest you look into it."

"I will."

I replayed that conversation in my head whenever I wrote, smiling because it seemed like a promise of a bright future. It was the only thing that kept me from worrying about my feelings and what would happen eventually.

Unfortunately, I knew I could only run away for so long. Inside I was growing impatient; impatient of the fact that I couldn't seem to figure out what I really wanted. There were so many key players in mine and Jiwon's situation; s, his family, my friends, my family. Whatever happened, it was inevitable they would be affected as well.

Should I hide how I felt? Or reveal them? Go for it? Let it go and try to get rid of them before August came along?

And what about telling Jiwon that I had to leave?

If there was one thing Jiwon and I had in common it was the fact that we both liked to keep our emotions locked up inside of us, where they could roam and eat away at our souls. We were willing to let them take over us, rather than to let them spill, just to spare anyone of the burden.

But finally and eventually they did, and not in a away that I had expected.

It was a sunny May afternoon and as usual, Jinnie, Hani and I were outside for lunch in the school's garden. Jinnie and Hani were discussing make up, a subject I particularly wasn't an expert in. That left me to be pensive and to think.

Sometimes, I thought too much. I thought about big things like University and possible career choices and then about the little ones like what I was going to get for my older sister's birthday when I returned home and what I should name the my latest writing project. I lived in my head so much to the point that practically no one knew me.

Not even Jiwon.

Sometimes it scared me. Scared me that I could possibly live alone in fear and no one would know.

But at the same time I was relieved. It also meant that I wasn't transparent; that no one could see through me and read every emotion that dwelled within my heart.

Or at least that's what I had thought.

"Hey Jiwoo, how's Jiwon?"

Suddenly, the conversation had shifted over to me and Jinnie and Hani leaned forward, chins placed on their palms, as they stared at me in question.

Surprised by the sudden change in topic, I laughed and it was so high-pitched that the birds in the trees flew out.

"He's in America so I haven't spoken to him lately!" I proclaimed, my voice so fake it almost made me cringe.  "But er...hopefully I will!"

Hani and Jinnie exhanged a look I couldn't identify before turning back to me.

"Yeah...maybe you will." Hani finally said, with an air so ominous about her that I ended up thinking about it for the rest of the school day.

Why were Jinnie and Hani suddenly concerned about Jiwon? It had been awhile since we had spoke of him. Why now?

My school day ended with creative writing class with Mrs. Yoon. It was the only class that made me feel relaxed amongst everything else.

"Emmy," Mrs. Yoon had called me, after class. She was pretty and young; in her late 20s or early 30s. She was one of those teachers that managed to get along with every student; even the rebellious ones.

"Yeah?" I slid into the seat in front of her desk, confused. Did I do something wrong?

"I've noticed your writing has gotten...more interesting. And I'm saying this in a good way. But it's also conflicting itself in some areas."

"It is?"

Mrs. Yoon nodded. "I've noticed this since the beginning of the month. It sounds like you're battling a lot of emotions so you don't know where you're going. There's a large quantity of passion yet also a large quantity of confusion as well."

I sighed, nodding as well. "Yeah, things have been kind of weird lately. I'll try my best to keep my feelings out of my writing."

Mrs. Yoon frowned. "That's not what I meant, Emmy. It's good to have feelings; it makes writing easy and fun. However, it sounds like you don't know what to do with them so everything's bumpy rather than smooth."

I bit my lip. How did she know? Was I really that transparent?

"Your writing doesn't hide anything." Mrs.Yoon told me, as if reading my mind. "If you need someone to talk to...I'm right here."

I stared at her, smiling at me her eyes full of warmth and comfort. Full of non-judgemental statements and advice and wisdom.

Being so far away from my family, I hadn't had that in awhile. And my friends had their own problems so I didn't dare spill a word to them.

But now, in the spare minutes after the bell rang, feeling exposed and vulnerable, I felt the need to.

So I sat there and poured everything out.

From meeting Kim Jiwon and the things he did and the things I did and the way he felt and my recent realization and the fact that in a few short months, I would be leaving him. About not knowing what to do with my feelings, not knowing how to tell him the truth. It all came out, fast-paced and breathless and by the end, I hadn't even noticed that tears were dripping down my face because i was so relieved that they were finally out.

Tears of someone who has been strong for too long.

And throughout the whole entire time, Mrs. Yoon sat there patiently, nodding along and listening, not interrupting me once. Once I had finished, she merely nodded.

"I see, Emmy. And how do you feel now?"

"....Liberated. Free. Like a weight has been lifted off of my heart."

Like I could just fly away.

"That's good. You know, Emmy, it's not bad to talk about your feelings. Especially if you're in love."

"But I just feel like I'm burdening everyone else with how I feel."

Mrs.Yoon laughed. "The ones that care about you most are the ones that won't feel it's a burden. And a lot of people care about you, Emmy. Never forget that."

She looked out the window, a far away, distant look on her face.

"You remind me of myself when I was younger. Afraid to share my feelings. Afraid to let people in. But as you grow up, Emmy, the ones you let in are the ones you'll hold closest to your heart. And having lots of people in your heart is always a benefit."

She turned to me, slightly smiling.

"I think talking about your feelings more will make your writing better. It will make you more in touch with your emotions rather than to fear them."

My eyes widened. "You mean I have to tell this to other people?"

"Not just anyone. The people you trust."

My sisters. Jinnie. Hani. Jinhwan. Their faces flashed through my mind as she spoke and I just nodded.

"Alright. I...think I will."

"Good. Very good." Mrs. Yoon rifled through some papers, pulling out one of them.

"You're leaving back to the States at the end of August, correct?"

I nodded, my stomach feeling slightly queasy at the thought. Of course I missed my family but the thought of leaving here already made me feel homesick. I knew that once I left, I wouldn't be touching Korean soil for a very long time.

"There's an essay contest held by Yonsei University and I'm very interested in submitting one of yours." She showed me the paper; on the top it read "The Benefits of Studying Abroad".

"Really?"

"Yes. It's surprisingly in-depth, informative as well as displays a lot of passion. If you were to win the contest, it would look really good on University Applications, especially if you are applying to Yonsei. In fact, 88% of winners recieve scholarships."

My jaw dropped, falling so far it almost hit the floor. "Seriously?!"

A scholarship to Yonsei? That meant I could come back to Korea to study in University!

Mrs. Yoon nodded. "Now remember, there are millions of applicants so don't get your hopes up too high. But I really think your essay has a chance of winning."

It was too late. For once, I was thinking positively and my hopes soared high.

Suddenly my phone buzzed. Checking the screen the text was from Hani and read "PARK JIWOO WHERE ARE YOUUUUUU??"

Hani only went all-caps when she was extremely impatient, which meant I knew I had to leave, immeadiately.

"I have to go now.Thank you so much, Mrs. Yoon!" I exclaimed, jumping up from my seat. "For everything!"

I waved "bye" to her and left, Mrs. Yoon's "You're welcome and good luck, Emmy!" being the last thing I heard.

I headed to my cubby and grabbed my things before heading outside.

Hani, Jinnie and a short male in sunglasses were waiting in the parking lot, by a black car.

"YAH! PARK JIWOO, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?" Hani yelled, shaking me once I reached them. 

I looked at the guy, confused, before turning back to her saying "Mrs.Yoon's room. You won't believe what just happened-"

"Not now!" Jinnie hissed, grabbing my arm. "We have somewhere to go!"

Jinnie opened the door and pushed me into the car before getting into the passenger's seat. Hani slid in beside me and the guy got into the driver's seat.

"Wait a minute, what is going on-"

"No time for explaining." The guy said, his voice high-pitched, adorable and sweet. A voice I knew very well.

"KIM JINHWAN?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"

But none of them answered me as the car backed out of the parking lot and drove away.

+ + +

Eventually, we all arrived at the YG Building Headquarters. Why we were there, I was still in the dark about.

"Will someone please explain to me why we are here?" I asked, as we all rushed in. Employees looked at us in alarm, but Jinhwan merely nodded at them and they all went back to work.

"What time is it?"

"3:20."

"We still have some time!"

Hurriedly, we all rushed intoo the elevator and Jinhwan expertly pushed some buttons. 2NE1's "I don't care" played in the background as the elevator finally "dinged" and we all ran out.

Jinhwan led us through a maze of hallways until finally we reached a small room outside of a recording room. Closing the door and locking it, we all sat down in front of a desk. On it was a complex computer system.

Jinhwan sat in front of it and clicked around before finally, the screen appeared and Kim Jiwon's face popped up.

Instantly, my heart jumped at the sight of his face. His skin looked snow-white on the monitor and his jawline was even more defined by the computer pixels. His dark hair was pushed back out of his face, flopping around on different parts of his head and he wore a simple black t-shirt.

My heart started to beat so fast and loud, I was convinced, Jinnie, who was sitting next to me, could hear it.

"Hey Jiwon!" Jinhwan called, waving at Jiwon through the screen. "Look at who we brought!"

Jinhwan moved his head so that Jiwon could see me from behind him. Jiwon's face lit up, his bunny teeth appearing and it instantly made me smile.

"JIWOO! I MISS YOU KIDDO!" He yelled, waving crazily at me.

I laughed, waving back. "YAH I DON'T MISS YOU KIMBAP!"

I never really realized how much I missed seeing Kim Jiwon's face and hearing his voice, until now. I had been deprived of it for so long that I had almost become immune to it.

Jinhwan moved out of the way so that Hani and Jinnie could greet Jiwon as well.

"HI JIWONNNNNNNNN!"They both yelled, waving.

'WOW! IS THIS A PARTY? HEY HANI! HEY JINNIE!"

Jinnie and Hani both giggled at the weird expressions, Jiwon was making and I couldn't stop smiling. All the people I loved in one room.

Jinhwan turned to Jinnie and Hani, giving them an unreadable expression. The two nodded and all three of them got up.

"Well, Jinhwan oppa is going to give us a tour." Hani told Jiwon and I. "So...we're just going to leave you two alone. It was nice seeing you, Jiwon!"

"What?!" Instantly, I panicked. Jiwon and I were going to be alone? We had been alone multiple times but never when my feelings were so...out-of-control.

"Yeah. I'll come back soon, alright?" Jinhwan patted my head, before escorting Jinnie and Hani out of the room.

Leaving Jiwon and I alone.

"So..."I said, turning to Jiwon. My heart was beating so fast, I thought I would pass out.

"How was the wedding?"

"IT WAS SO FUN!"

Jiwon suddenly launched into a whole speech about his brother's wedding, what he ate, what he wore, the things he did, the people he saw. The whole time he was so bubbly and chatty and I had never felt so much happiness in my veins.

Is this what love is?

"Umma! Umma! Come over here and meet Ji Woo!"

Wait...what?!

I WAS GOING TO MEET JIWON'S MOTHER?!

I wasn't prepared for this. I really wasn't prepared for this. I knew Jiwon's mother was who he loved most. I wanted to make a good impression...and not completely unprepared like this!

My eyes wide, I watched as Jiwon's mother, Mrs.Kim finally appeared on the screen.

She looked a lot like Jiwon; the same pale skin, sharp eyes, long, sloping nose. Her face was rounder and she wore glasses but she was undeniably, Kim Jiwon's mother.

If it was possible, I felt more starstruck staring at Mrs. Kim than the first time I met Jiwon.

This was the woman who raised him into the person he was. who Jiwon loved with all of his heart. I blinked, not sure of what to say.

She smiled and waved at me, bowing. "Hello there! I'm Jiwon's mother! It's so nice to finally meet you!"

I snapped out of my trance, getting up and bowing 90 degrees.

"HELLO! MY NAME IS PARK JIWOO! IT IS VERY NICE MEETING YOU, MRS.KIM!"

I said it all a little too enthusiastically and loud and Mrs. Kim laughed.

"I can see why Jiwon likes you so much. He talks about you all the time!"

"I DON'T!" Jiwon complained, and I could feel the heat on my cheeks.

"Eh, don't listen to him. He really does. Thank you so much for taking of Jiwon. You're the younger one; he should be taking care of you!"

"Oh, he does, Mrs. Kim! We take care of each other. I'm really grateful for him. Thank you for being such a kind, caring loving mother to him!"

I bowed once again, making her laugh.

"I like you, Jiwoo. You and Jiwon suit each other well!"

When Jiwon wasn't looking, she winked at me and if I could blush any harder, I did.

"Yeah, it's umm...why we are such good friends!" I exclaimed, looking over at Jiwon. He wasn't looking at me, but rather at his mother with awe and admiration and even surprise as if he was shocked that she was actually there beside him. He was in such a bliss of both happiness and disbelief that he ceased to notice his surroundings.

The look of love that he gave her made me fall in love with him even more, and I couldn't help but smile and let out a tiny sigh.

"Yes. Of course. Good friends." Mrs. Kim said, winking at me again. I just blinked in response.

"Well I better get going. Hope I will get to see you soon. Ji Woo!"

"Hopefully! Bye Mrs. Kim!" 

Mrs. Kim waved at me, before getting up and leaving the view of the camera. 

"Yah! Kim Jiwon! Why aren't you half as nice as your mom?" I asked, once she had left. "Are you sure you're related to her?"

"Of course I am! Where do you think I got my good looks from? And isn't she's the most amazing person on this planet?! No one could be as nice as her!"

Jiwon's smile was so wide and bright, the happiest I had ever seen him, or anyone for that matter. If everyone in the world smiled like him, the world would be a better place, I was sure of it.

He hopped around in his seat, cheerfully, looking like an impatient kid in a candy store. Speaking of patience...

"Yah, Kim Jiwon."

"Yeah?"

"...Can I get some advice?"

"Well, of course kiddo!"

Jiwon placed his chin on his hands, staring at me from millions of miles away. Even so, I couldn't feel the distance in between us.

"...lately I've been impatient. Usually, I am impatient but it's gotten...intolerable."

"What are you so impatient about?"

I hesitated, trying to come up with the best way to describe my situation without revealing too much.

"...Well...there's just some stuff going on. A lot of stuff. And I haven't figured out any answers which is starting to irritate me. I'm the kind of person that likes to find solutions to problems, as soon as possible and the fact I haven't even found one is making me overworry. I really don't want to to antagonize over it but I feel like the only way I won't is if I find answers. And it's just not coming to me and I just...can't be patient and wait for it to come. I want them to come NOW."

I sighed and Jiwon scrunched his nose, thinking.

"Well, as I've said before, there are many times in life where patience is the only route to go. Fate is doing things at the moment and the clock ticking is the steps reaching it. You can't have control over everything that happens ,so be free. Let it go and let it come to you! It'll be hard but the wait will be worth it."

"My mom and family for example. Coming here and being away from them....in order to see them again, I just had to be patient. There was nothing I could do; it wasn't in my control whether I would see them or not. So I just let fate handle it and look! Here I am! Patiently waiting for my family has taught me a lot. To not take them for granted, to cherish them and the time I have with them. It's all worth it in the end."

Jiwon suddenly yawned and I realized the 13 hour time difference between ia and Seoul.

"Jiwon! What time is it??"

"...around 4am."

"WHAT?!"

"I got up really early to talk to you, alright? I already talked to the boys awhile ago; I just wanted to talk you. And my mom always wakes up this early. Everyone's still asleep though."

I shook my head, chuckling to myself. Classic Jiwon.

"I'm really glad you did, but get some rest, Jiwonnie. I'll see you soon!"

"Okay. Bye kiddo!" Jiwon cheesily blew me a kiss which I pretended to catch.

The screen suddenly went black and as I got up, Jinhwan entered the room.

"Emmy, Hani and Jinnie are exploring the building. You're finished talking with Jiwon?"

I nodded, bowing in gratitude. "Yeah. Thanks for bringing me here and arranging this, Jinhwan. I didn't realize how much I missed him, until now."

Jinhwan laughed, patting my head. "Of course, you do Emmy. You love him, after all."

Upon hearing what he said, I completely froze.

NOT JINHWAN TOO?!

"I'm the eldest in the group, Emmy. I observe everything. How do you think I know all the members so well?" Jinhwan asked, as if reading my mind. "I realized it the day I first saw you. Before you did, probably."

I was speechless. Was I really that easy to read?

"Don't worry; your secret's safe with me." Jinhwan continued. "Though I'm pretty sure Jinnie is suspecting something. You'll be okay though."

He tilted his head, smiling at me, and I realized why Jiwon and everyone else in iKON trusted him so much. He was the wisest and most dependable. It was no wonder him and Jinnie , who was the same way, got along so well.

"...Thank you so much, Jinhwannie oppa." I said. 

Both Jinhwan and Jiwon both seemed to answer my problems. Not completely answer them but figure out how to cope with them.

Let fate take its toll. You'll be okay in the end.

I turned to Jinhwan, smiling.

"Let's go find Jinnie and Hani, shall we?"

+ + + 

A few days later, I was standing outside of one of the terminals of the airport, beside iKON's manager, waiting for Jiwon.

Since the boys were working on music and practicing, they didn't have time to see Jiwon at the airport. Right after, he was scheduled to go straight to the YG building to join them.

Jinhwan had arranged for the manager and I to pick him up. iKON's manager, a cheerful man of his late 20s, greeted me happily, honored to meet "Jiwon's biggest fan!" 

If he knew I was the reason Jiwon had stayed out late so many times, he probably wouldn't have greeted me the same way.

Suddenly, the terminal opened and people flooded out, greeting their loved ones and buying food from the nearby food stands.

Finally, I saw him. His mouth was covered with a mouth mask, his hair by a snapback and he wore glasses but I knew it was him. He walked in his usually, effortlessly cool way, his bag slung over his shoulder.

"AYOOOO KIMBAP!"

I hollered it loudly and his eyes widened at the sound of my voice. He turned, finally spotting his manager and I, waving at him crazily.

Suddenly, he dropped his bag and at full speed, ran towards me. Before I could even register what was happening, he scooped me up in his arms, hugging me to him tightly.

Being patient has taught me a lot. To cherish the ones I love and not take them for granted. It's all worth it in the end.

You've taught me to let fate work its magic, do its thing.

but does us being together, lie in our fate?

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Apparently Jinhwan knows how to drive???

Anyways I got a new comment today and it made me happy so I thought why not update?

Thank you so much for reading and commenting and subscribing. It really makes my day!

I love you all. <3

-Donggu