Four days since the whole confrontation and I still hadn't told Jiwon my feelings.

It wasn't that I was scared of his reaction, more that I was overwhelmed. Jiwon knowing the truth changed a lot of things, a lot of factors in my life. It set my whole schedule off-kilter. Originally I planned to confess to him the day I left, but now I had to somehow prepare myself to do it a lot earlier than planned.

But it wasn't like love could be hurried. It always chose the worse times to appear and although I wanted to be ready, my heart was telling me that this wasn't the time.

I already talked to Jinnie and Hani about it as well as my sisters. They all were shocked by the sudden twist of events but advised me to lay low until I knew the time was right. But what if that moment never happened?

I spent my time since then, away from the library, the convenience store and the boarding house; the three places I knew would be the easiest to find me.  I didn't want to run into Jiwon and awkwardly tell him that I wasn't ready yet. Then it would seem like I was making prolonged excuses.

This led me to spend time in a variety of random places such as the Street Market, the mall, clothing stores, Namsan Tower and the Seoul National University library. Currently, I was at the COEX Aquarium, observing my favourite animal, the West African Manatee, float gracefully in the water.

It came across my mind when I was eating at the breakfast table, reading about a fascinating new exhibiton on the West African Manatee. Manatees were my ultimate favourite animal, though unfortunately I didn't get to see them in real life often, due to the fact I didn't live too close to Florida. They were graceful, gentle and adorable and unfortunately, an endangered species. When I was young, I had subscribed to the Save the Manatee Club and had adopted my own manatee in efforts to help conserve my favourite animal (AUTHOR'S NOTE: Yes this is a PSA and yes I would very much appreciate if y'all want to look into the issue!)

Now I was able to see them again and the excitement instilled in my nerves temporarily blocked my anxious thoughts about Jiwon. 

The aquarium wasn't too busy, luckily for me, and I had the chance to sit on a bench in front of the exhibit, the blue light reflecting off the water and onto my face. Within the tank were 3 manatees, all swimming peacefully, occasionally going up for breath every 5 minutes and just being gentle, serene and calm.

When was the last time I was like that? Gazing into the tank, I pondered this, staring into the green and blue waters so intently, I didn't notice someone sit beside me.

"Who knew things would end up like this?"

Startled by the sudden, boyish, high-pitched voice, I almost jumped up in my seat. My heart was beating hard as I held onto my chest, my breathing quick and shallow.

Turning to my right, I wasn't surprised to see that it was Kim Hanbin beside me, slightly grinning at my reaction.

He was seated calmly, his legs stretched out, his arms leaning back as he scrunched his nose up, his face friendly. It was the first time I had ever seen it like that and I had to lean in in order to digest that he was actually genuinely smiling at me.

"What are you doing here? How did you find me? And...why are you smiling?" I stared at him incredulously and in response, he just laughed, patting the top of my head, affectionately.

This was even scarier than angry Jiwon. 

"Ah, Park Jiwoo, where did our lives go?" He asked me, ignoring my previous questions. "How could I have screwed things up this badly?"

His voice was wistful and slightly sad, reminding me of his interviews on Show Me The Money 3. 

I'm being trampled over. I've become like a cockroach.

Hanbin was a perfectionist. Everything he did, everything he was in charge of had to be 100%. He would work day and night with no sleep and just pure practice and work to ensure that whatever he created came out exactly like how he pictured it.

It was why although he scared me to death, I admired him. He was my ultimate role model; not Jiwon, not even my parents, but Kim Hanbin. I aspired to have his dedication, his diligence and his strength.

It was no surprise that he was disappointed in himself. Here he was, trying his very best to ensure everything went smoothly for their debut. Heck, he even was willing to talk to me, someone he hardly knew and tell me to do something this drastic, which surely made him uncomfortable. But he had to do it, had to sacrifice everything for the team. And the fact that this one sacrifice didn't go as planned and possibly made everything worse probably made him feel like crap.

"He was just so depressed Jiwoo," Hanbin continued. "He was mopey all of the time. He didn't talk to anyone and he slept a lot. Sure, he was a lot less distracted but he was also a lot less happy. It was eating away at me inside. I had to tell him."

He shook his head, chuckling dryly.

"And now look what I've done. I've caused a major rift between the both of you and the both of us. And it was all because I was too blinded by our debut to realize that Jiwon needs you. You're his outlet and in a liberating way rather than a distracting one."

Sighing, he grabbed my hand, making me freeze. Sure, we once hugged but we weren't close enough for this much body contact. I didn't expect Hanbin to be this...bold.

Instead of interlocking our fingers, he just held my hand flat on his palm, staring at it, curiously. My hand was much tinier in comparison to his, and he held it gently, like handling a baby bird.

Finally, he looked over at me and we locked eyes. All I saw was exhaustion and hopelessness as I stared into them and something familiar.

Feeling confused and lost.

Perhaps Kim Hanbin and I were more alike than I thought.

"Hanbin..."I whispered, not even realizing my voice was that low, clenching onto his hand. His eyebrows rose from the sudden contact.

"You've...never really been in a relationship before, have you?"

Hanbin blinked multiple times, trying to process what I had just said, but he heard me right.

Hanbin and I were alike in many ways, in fact he was the one most like me in iKON. We both had trouble with relationships and social interactions because we were both introverts. It took awhile for either of us to trust anyone, only in the rare circumstance we found someone we were automatically comfortable with or forced to spend large amounts of time with.

It was no wonder the two of us got along with Jiwon so well.

From what I could tell, Hanbin didn't understand relationships very well; heck neither did I. Ever since I was young and even now, I questioned how my sisters and friends made friends so easily, opened up to people so naturally and didn't have to make much effort to maintain those relationships. I had trouble even continuing conversations so I found it amazing when people had the ability to make multiple friends.

It took a while for me to befriend Jinnie and Hani; they had to constantly invite me to hang with them because I always had so many doubts; doubts that I was bothering them, that i was too boring for them, that I just wasn't enough. Even now, I still had smidges of those doubts because I was didn't understand relationships enough to know when things were okay.

Jiwon was the only person I felt automatically comfortable with and that was because he was an amazing talker. He could talk for hours and hours and everything that came out was interesting, so interesting you would never want to leave the conversation. He knew how to make people comfortable, how to genuinely listen and be fascinated no matter how boring a topic was. 

But Hanbin was different. He spent the majority of his youth working towards his goal, performing, working, composing. He was famously known for never being in a relationship and it seemed that he didn't have many. He had the boys and his family and some other people but that was it. He was too busy to maintain real relationships which explained his lack of understanding.

It wasn't necessarily a bad thing though understanding others did prove to be a benefit We were introverts living in an extroverted world and no matter how difficult it was, we had to somehow find a way to adapt to that. After all, we co-existed with 7 billion other people.

In that moment I realized, never did I understand someone so well ,the way I did with Kim Hanbin.

"I've never really had the time." Hanbin admitted, rubbing the back of his neck, his hand still holding mine. "You know me. I just work all of the time. Even as a kid I had trouble making friends. It's not any different now."

Hanbin sighed, gazing into the tank where two manatees were nuzzling their snouts. 

"I'm okay with it; I have my family and my members and that's enough for me. But they were all given to me. It wasn't something I really had a say in. Maybe if I was the one making decisions, reaching out, finding who was compatible with me...maybe I would understand others better. Maybe I would understand myself better."

Hanbin shook his head, chuckling dryly to himself and I just stared at him. When did he start looking so familiar?

Instinctively, I reached over and messed up Hanbin's hair, the way Jiwon did with me. It always had a comforting effect on me.

Hanbin's eyes widened in shock but it seemed that he was no different to the effect because although he looked surprised, his whole body relaxed. There was something about head pats that made everything seem okay. 

"People are complicated, Kim Hanbin. They are the most complex subject on this Earth so of course they are hard to understand and read. There are just so many layers to them. Heck, they even freak me out, sometimes. It's okay not to have a lot of relationships, because that just means more room for deeper relationships."

"But there are so many potentials out there. Lovers, friends, enemies, memories. It 's not bad to be in touch with yourself, but there's so many others you could share yourself with. It might sound hypocritical of me seeing as I'm like you; I don't interact with people often. I don't have many relationships. But I think it's something we both could work on. Reaching out, trying to understand others more to understand ourselves."

As I spoke, Hanbin slowly nodded, agreeing to my words, as if I was saying all that he thought. For the first time, a genuine smile spread across his face.

"Yeah. I think we could do it. I have to reach out to the fans somehow. Soon we'll have millions across the globe. I have to express my gratitude and love for them and I can't if I don't open up my heart. They are my fans; they deserve everything from me."

Suddenly an idea popped into my mind, the best idea I had in along time. I asked for Hanbin to pass me his phone and he obliged quizzically, his face confused.

Quickly, I punched Hani's number into it, adding her contact name as "Bae Hani" with emojis of a chocolate bar and a head beside.

"Kim Hanbin I know you and Hani have your...differences." I started, as I gave it back to him.  He accepted it cautiously, upon the mention of Hani."But she's one of the most socially adaptable, extroverted people I know. If there's anyone that could help you with this sort of thing, I guarantee you Bae Hani is the person to talk to."

Hanbin's face contorted into a frown and I could mentally see him replaying the flying box of chocolates to his head in his memories. Nevertheless, after a few minutes, he sighed loudly before nodding, to my surprise.

"If there's anything that what has happened has taught me, it's that I have to be more considerate of people and to open myself up more." Hanbin admitted, placing the hand he was holding on his thigh and gently patting it. "I was so focused on the debut that I neglected yours and Jiwon's feelings. For that I am profoundly sorry. I promise from now on I'll consider others more and try to understand them. If Hani could help me...maybe I should contact her."

I stared at Hanbin, really stared at him. He looked exhausted but somehow the glimmer of hope shone in his eyes. I had watched this boy grow up right before me, but never had I seen him mature so fast than in this very moment.

"I believe you could do anything, Kim Hanbin." I told him, sincerely, punching his forehead, lightly. "You're iKON's leader, for crying out loud! You're going to lead them to #1 boy group in Korea!"

Hanbin laughed, flicking my forehead back.

"You're such a good person, Park Jiwoo. Almost too good for Jiwon. Speaking of..."

Hanbin cleared his throat nervously, which in turn, made me nervous.

"What...what are you going to do about him?"

The question I've been asking myself for the last four days. How could I answer that when I didn't even know myself? All I knew was that I had to confess, had to tell the whole truth when I was ready. But this ready thing was taking too long.

I looked over at Hanbin, whose eyes were wide and expression was hopeful. Could I trust him? My sisters, Jinnie, Hani, Jinhwan; they all knew.

I trust you, Hanbin.

I had told him that, that day at the YG building and for some reason, even after this whole mess, that trust was still there. Perhaps it was because of how alike we were, how I understood him well that I couldn't help but trust someone with a mind similar to mine.

And so, I sat there at the COEX Aquarium, the manatees swimming in front of us, the blue light bouncing off our faces, the quiet chatter of ongoers in the background and told him everything.

Lunchtime had arrived by the time I finished and to my surprise, Hanbin wasn't shocked at all.

"You look at him in a certain way, Park Ji Woo. Everyone has noticed it...except for the dummy himself. I admit, Junhoe had to tell me but still. Love can never be hidden."

Hanbin sighed, wistfully.

"I hope someday I can fall in love too. It's something so rare and precious. You have to grab it quickly or it will slip between your fingers." 

He turned to me, his face serious.

"Hold onto this love and don't let it go, alright Jiwoo? Cherish it while you have it, while you are here and Jiwon isn't a world away. Coming from someone who has never experienced it, I think these are the feelings that are the most special you'll ever have, so you should create new memories while you can."

In the most unexpected, unpredictable of ways, Kim Hanbin managed to solve all of my problems.

+ + +

You know where. 12:00 pm and not a second late, alright?

Fate was leading me into a weird direction for I had recieved this very text in the early hours of morning.

It was from Kim Jiwon and why he sent it was questionable seeing as I was the one about to send that very text to him. Something in my mind knew that Hanbin somehow played a part in this.

What did Jiwon want to tell me? I though this over and over, waiting on our bench in the Magical park.

For once I wore something somewhat feminine; strappy sandals, and a casual white t-shirt dress that managed to look long due to my short stature. My short hair was half pulled back and my friends once again ambushed me, insisting I wear makeup.

"If you're gonna confess, you gotta look cute." Hani had insisted.

This was it. I was going to confess to Kim Jiwon. No matter what happened, I was going to do it.

That determination didn't stop the loud thuds of my heart, though.

It was 12:06 p.m when Kim Jiwon arrived; 6 minutes late. 

And he told me not to be a second late. This kid.

He jogged over, his face tired but managing to look effortlessly flawless. In contrast to my feminine outfit, he wore white Jordans, lightwash ripped jeans and a black and white colour-block t-shirt. His hair fell over his forehead meaning he didn't have time to do it.

He stopped once he noticed me, staring at me as I stood up. It was the look from that one day in his Aunt's restaurant; the look of confusion and awe.

Frick Kim Jiwon. I thought to myself as I walked over to him. Don't stare at me like that or else I'll fall harder for you.

"Park. Ji. Woo." He pronounced slowly, once I had reached him. He stared at my face with that same look, rubbing the back of his neck. As I looked closely I noticed something strange about his face.

Was Kim Jiwon...blushing?

"You're so pretty today." He told me, his voice muffled as he covered his mouth and looked down at the ground. "Too pretty."

Aw .

Now I was blushing and looking down at the ground and we both stood there, looking like two shy and innocent fools.

"Thanks, Jiwon." I mumbled, not looking at him. "Shall we...sit down and talk?"

We both walked over to our bench; the bench where we talked into the night on Valentine's day and the bench he shed all of his tears. Luckily it wasn't also the bench where I had cut our friendship into two.

The air felt quiet and loud at the same time. Quiet with silence, loud with thoughts. Kim Jiwon and I sat there awkwardly, a few cm apart before finally turning to each other at the same time.

"I called you here-"

"I wanted to tell you-"

Our eyes widened as our voices coincided with each others'. Both of us had so much to say.

I nodded, gesturing towards him. "You first, Kimbap. You called me here and you look like you have lots to tell me."

"Yeah." Jiwon agreed, taking a large intake of breath. "I do."

He grabbed my hand just like Hanbin did the day before, making me freeze. 

Hanbin held my hand gently, like it was fragile and would break any second. Like an artifact.

Jiwon held my hand like it was its other half, as if our hands fit perfectly together, like a puzzle.  It was the latter I preferred and I realized just how much I missed holding his hand.

"Park Jiwoo, you don't have to explain anymore because I get it. I get why you did what you did."

"You do?"

Did Hanbin tell him?

Jiwon nodded. "After our little...confrontation I did a lot of thinking. I thought about your feelings into depth."

WHAT.

"I rewatched the videos and man...there were so much of them!" Jiwon laughed. "I can't believe how much I messed up. I should be grateful you were considerate of my dreams and that you were willing to do...all of this."

"There has been a lot happening in my life to cause all of that. I was tired and exhausted from practice, from my busy schedule and even distracted from meeting up with you. I missed my family and my emotions were a mess sometimes. I could see why you did what you did. You just cared about me that much. I promise that I'll work harder to not worry you like that again. I'm sorry for blowing up on you earlier. I was confused and angry...I should have waited until I collected my thoughts instead of hurting you like that."

I almost sighed from relief. So he didn't know about my feelings. And not only that... but he seems to understand everything. Does this mean...everything is okay between us?

"And then I got to thinking. Why did I like spending so much time with you? Why was I willing to go out of my way to meet up with you, to talk to you, to form this relationship between us? I never really thought about how I felt about you until now."

HOLY CRAP THIS WASN'T HAPPENING.

Kim Jiwon...had feelings for me??!! There was no way!

I had to stop this, delay this for a little while. I had to tell him how I felt first. I had promised myself that.

Be honest to the boy that has always been honest to you.

"Jiwon I have to tell you something-"

"I'm sorry Jiwoo, but can I say what I want to say first? I need to let this all out before I could mess it up."

Jiwon took in a large intake of breath making my heart pound faster. Why did he look so nervous? Was that sweat forming on his brow?

"Park Jiwoo, I've fully acknowledged how I feel about you and why you're so important to me." He held onto my hand with both of his hands, bringing them to his heart.

"You're not a just a  friend to me, like I've always believed. You're something more. "

My heart was beating so hard and loud I was sure Jiwon could hear it. My whole mind was numb and my arms and legs were shaking.

This was it. I was going to find out Jiwon's feelings for me. I had always doubted he had them but this was completely unexpected. Did he feel the same as I did?

"I see you as..."

Jiwon paused, taking a deep breath.

Holy frick the tension is killing me. THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING. CALM DOWN HEART.

So much chaos was happening in my heart and mind that I felt as if I was going to pass out. It didn't help that Jiwon's pause seemed to go on for years.

As what? What do you see me as?

Jiwon deeply stared into my eyes, so deep I almost looked away. Finally he finished his sentence.

"A sister."

...

...

 WAIT WHAT.

I went slack-jawed, my mouth almost touching the ground.

A sister. This whole entire time, Kim Jiwon viewed me like a sister. I shouldn't have been surprised seeing as I wasn't exactly lover material and I was three years younger than him, but after all of that build-up, I couldn't help but feel shock.

There was no ing way that I was going to confess to him now! How embarassing would that be? I couldn't tell my...brother that I was in love with him!

"It all makes sense doesn't it?" Jiwon asked, oblivious to the shock registered on my face. "You've always reminded me of my family. You're like the younger and older sister I never had! Since we take care of each other, I know that I can count on you the way I count on my mom and dad and brother. iKON are my brothers and you're my sister. My precious and wise younger sister and I cherish you fully. I missed my family so much but never realized that you gave me that comforting sense of family. Thank you so much, Park Jiwoo."

Leaning down, he pressed his lips against my forehead, the warmth of it spreading all over my body.

"I love you." 

I love you too Kim Jiwon. So goddamn much. I've loved you since the moment you walked into that convenience store and asked me where the choco-cones were.

But I knew I couldn't say that.

We didn't love each other in the same way.

Instead I just nodded. "Let's make many precious memories before I leave, alright?"

Jiwon nodded, hugging me to him.

"Of course! I have to cherish the time I have with you while we still have it."

He looked down at me, quizzically.

"Hey Jiwoo, you had something to say to me right?"

Be honest. The truth will set you free.

"I..."

If you aren't ready, you aren't ready. Be honest when the time's right. You don't always have to tell the truth, immediately. Prepare your heart.

"...Don't think it's important anymore."

Jiwon's eyebrows raised, but he grinned, standing up and pulling me up with him.

"Walk with me?"

I would walk anywhere with you, Kim Jiwon. I thought as I nodded.

He took my hand, interlocking our fingers, before taking our first steps into the sunshine, together.

You were always honest with me, even when it was hardest

I'm sorry I couldn't be honest with you.

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Updating because a very adorable and enthusiatic reader asked for it!!

SORRY FOR THE LONG WAIT I HAVE QUITE A BIT GOING ON BUT HOPEFULLY I WILL BE ABLE TO FINISH THIS SOON!

PLEASE COMMENT + SUBSCRIBE! I LOVE Y'ALL!

-donggu