End of April 2015

It was weird how tears were always associated with weakness.

When one cried, every surrounding person usually assumed that this person was so "weak that they couldn't control their feelings" and that they were too easily emotional and that their sentimental barriers were so fragile that one emotional provocation would shatter them.

However this was not necessarily the case.

I, for example, was easily emotional. I cried very easily, especially when I was frustrated and couldn't express myself with anger and agression. Instead, tears pricked my eyes, and ran down my face and dripped onto sheets of paper, on bedsheets, on my clothes. My parents constantly scolded me for crying, calling me "weak", "easily emotional", "oversensitive". It was because of them I was forced to hide my tears, crying only when the sky was dark and I was convinced no once could hear me.

For a long time, I thought tears meant weakness until I realized that they provided an outlet. What else could you do when your body was so full of feelings, you felt as if you were about to physically explode? You couldn't just hold them in, waiting for them to pile up until the ticking of the bomb went off and your insides were destroyed. You needed to let them out by talking or running or dancing or writing or...well crying.

I had always kept this belief in the corners of my mind, however I had always though it was was myself making up excuses from my weaknesses.

Stop trying to make crying seem as if it were a strong action, Emmy. It's not, it's clearly not.

That's what the devil side of my conscience told me whenever I tried to justify my crying and  I felt even more guilty and more weak and as a result, cried. It was a vicious, never-ending cycle of sadness and despair and buckets and buckets of tears.

It was Jiwon's tears that put an end to the cycle.

It was strange to witness Kim Jiwon crying because he was usually such a happy-go-lucky person, with optimistic thoughts and sunshine in his step. He would take be my my hand, and walk me over to where the rainbows filled the sky and the flowers smelled sweet and the air glittered with happiness.

But at one point in your life, that happiness fades, crumbles, falls into a hole; a hole that had been accumulating and piling up and digging deeper and deeper with evey fake smile etched upon your face. And I had witnessed Kim Jiwon fall into that very hole on a rainy Saturday night in the park we had visited on Valentine's Day. 

Slowly, it turned into April and the rainy showers were constantly pouring on the thatched roofs and pavement and leafy trees of Seoul. Umbrellas of every colour flocked the concrete streets as people rushed to get to their appointments in the groggy wet,weather. All that seemed to be heard was the consistent pitter-patter of rain, the squeaky rubber boots against tiled flooring and the crunchy rustling of rain jacketed people scurrying around.

I liked rain to be quite honest, because it was such a peaceful type of weather. Droplets of water fell from the sky and fed the world as it poured on our trees, our soil, our oceans, our skin. I loved the feeling of the tiny drops dripping down my face and watching them pound against the multiple surfaces that our world was composed of.

Jiwon and I had gotten closer even though we hadn't seen each other since the day we met up at Hongdae. Every morning, I would wake up to one of his "20 questions' (more like 50 000th by now). They were all simple; What are your sisters' names? Where were you born? When's your birthday?

Sure it wasn't particularly interesting information, yet it seemed almost essential. We knew so much about each other yet so little about the basic facts, the ones you normally should know when meeting someone. 

There was only one thing I feared during these rounds of inquiry and that was him asking more about my life in the States.

Because I knew it would eventually lead up to when I was ultimately leaving.

It was no surprise; obviously I had to leave one day. Hani, Jinnie and I were all exchange students in Korea, though I was the one leaving the earliest. I was to leave near the end of summer vacation; the end of August, whereas both Jinnie and Hani were going to stay until the end of this Korean school year.

My parents wanted me home to complete my senior year and although I was sure my grades would be better, I couldn't help but be disappointed. Especially with the prospect of leaving  Kim Jiwon and most likely never seeing him again.

Kim Jiwon. How did I feel about Kim Jiwon? He made my heart beat and my cheeks flush and the thought of him instantly sent a smile to my face.

Yet at the same time I was doubting myself. Doubting that these feelings were something real and special and usually I casted them off to the side as feelings of mere happiness from having someone care for me so much. This wasn't love, this wasn't even romantic attraction and I repeated that to myself whenever Jiwon's face popped into my mind.

But there was that voice. That tiny voice at the back of my mind aching to come out.

I like you, Kim Jiwon.

"That's ridiculous."I muttered to myself. Ironically, I was staring at the list I had written; 10 things about Kim Jiwon, scribbles and sentences all crammed into a notebook with a bunny on the cover. So far I had written four things; his smile, his diligence, his positivity and his talents along with long detailed paragraphs describing each one and messily-drawn pictures to accompany them.

I didn't know why I started writing it but once I started, I couldn't stop. Kim Jiwon was affecting me in ways I couldn't explain and writing it all out gave just the tiniest bit of sense to them.

Kim Jiwon. How do I describe Kim Jiwon? Well...he's a) insanely stupid, b)the world's biggest dork and c)the type of guy to frame chocolates on his wall.

As lame as he sounds, he also has a heart of gold and can make me smile even in the most difficult of situations.

Those were the only sentences I had written on the first page and although it summed up the majority of my relationship with him, it somehow felt empty.

I like you-

"Jiwoo!"

Jinnie came running into our room, not even disturbing Hani, who had fallen asleep early. All that was heard was a loud, disturbed snore, followed by some muttering and the sound of Hani turning in her sheets.

"Jin Nie!" I replied back, quickly shutting my notebook and sliding it into my drawer. I was careful to shut it quietly because although it was only 8:00 p.m, many people in the boarding house were already asleep. "What's up?"

Jinnie looked slightly frantic and worried, her eyes wide and her skin paler, which was unusual seeing as Jinnie was usually a calm person. Instantly, my worry levels shot up and i got up from my desk, concern flooding my brain.

"Jiwoo...Jinhwan oppa just called me. He's wondering if you were with Jiwon-sshi or if you knew where he is."

"What do you mean? He's not at the YG building?"

Jinnie shook her head. "Jinhwan oppa's checked everywhere but there's no sign of him. He hasn't alerted the other members yet but he probably will soon."

"Are you saying that Jiwon is...missing?!"

My hands started to shake and the feeling traveled up my arms and throughout my body until I was trembling like an earthquake, out of fear and intense worry.

Jiwon wasn't the type to leave without a goodbye, I was sure of that. He cared way too much about others' feelings to do something so selfish.

So where was he? And most importantly; was he okay?

My shaking fingers fumbled for my phone and with my best effort, I quickly typed out "Kim Jiwon, where are you?????" before hitting "send". Less than a minute later, the words "Somewhere. Alone." appeared on my screen.

"." I cursed, staring at the screen. Jiwon wasn't the type to write such open-ended messages; he was blunt, to the point and he was one of those people that enjoyed sending novels.  Whatever happened to him must have been pretty serious for him to being acting so out of character.

"Jinnie, call Jinhwan. I need to talk to him."

+ + +

He was acting kinda weird come to think of it.

Weird? How?

He wasn't really that focused...and he was kinda fidgety during practice. He kept on looking around like he was in a trap. Like he needed to escape.

...Escape?

I've never seen him act this way. As soon as Hanbin dismissed him, he quickly said "Good bye" and left.

Anything... not very usual happen??

...well he did talk to his mom this morning.

...

Emmy-ah? You still there?

...yeah Jinhwannie oppa. Say, did you text him at any point?

Yeah, when I started looking for him I asked where he is. He just replied "A Magical Place".

...Jinhwannie don't tell any of the members just yet. I think I know where he is.

This conversation repeated itself in my head as I sat calmly on the bus, waiting to arrive in the city of Seoul. After speaking on the phone with Jinhwan, I grabbed an umbrella, a rain jacket and my bus pass and started out the door.

"Yah! Park Jiwoo! Where are you going?" Jinnie had asked. 

"The city."

"The city?! That's far! You can't go alone!"

"Jinnie-ah, I won't be alone."

Recognition crossed Jinnie's face as she realized what was happening. "You mean, you're going to look for Jiwon?"

"I already know where he is."

"The doors lock at 12 am, Ji Woo.  You better get back before then."

"I promise I will."

Jinnie didn't pester me much after that, only bidding  me"Good-bye" and telling me to stay safe and texting me the number of her cousin that lived in the city, just in case I needed a place to crash if I didn't get back in time.

The sky was already dark, not even a twinkling star in sight, just the colour of blotted ink above the world. The rain was falling softly and calmly, spreading a foggy mist making the rays from the street lights seem almost ethereal.

An hour had passed and soon enough I had arrived at my destination. By this time, the rain was slowly starting fall faster and harder, so much that I had to wound my papery, raincoat around myself, tightly.

It was around 9:30 p.m by now, which meant I had about an hour to find Jiwon and somehow...console him through whatever he was going through. Jinhwan had told me he had talked to his mother that morning and instantly I knew that was what had triggered this. 

But it was unusual. Jiwon spoke to his mother and family often and never ran away like this. In fact, he texted me everytime he finished speaking to them, sending me long, cheerful paragraphs of how he felt and how they were doing, each one I would read with a content heart, picturing Jiwon's smile on the other side of the screen.

What if something bad happened to Mrs. Kim?

That thought stopped me dead in my tracks, frozen from the sheer horror of the thought. Or his brother, or cousin, or father...

"It'll be okay, it'll be okay..." I told myself, as I forced myself to keep on moving. I didn't have much time left and at this point, every single second was precious.

I was still a bit unfamiliar with Seoul, especially the city, so it was no surprise I had trouble finding the park. Not many people were milling around due to the groggy, wet weather that continued to grow stronger as time passed on. Even with my umbrella and jacket, the rain managed to coat my face, dripping down my cheeks and forehead and due to the many deep puddles I constantly had to jump over, I feared my sneakers and socks would become soggy.

Still I was determined to find Jiwon, and after half an hour of searching I arrived at a very "Magical" place. The park Jiwon and I visited on Valentine's day.

By now, the rain was shooting hard to the ground, like constant water bullets hitting the pavement with loud smacks. I could hear the pitter patter against the leaves, the trees, my umbrella, the concrete, the water of the pond.

But it was the sound of rain sinking into fabric that really caught my attention.

As expected, Kim Jiwon was sitting on the bench we had sat on a month ago, dressed in white jordans, black sweatpants and a white hoodie, the hood pulled over his dark hair. I knew it was him, from the significant curve in his back from his tall height, the way he sat with his hands in his pockets, his left ankle resting on the top of his right knee. He sat like that whenever he was in deep thought.

He was soaked, completely drenched in rainwater. His white hoodie clung to his skin, its initial snow white colour diluted to a more transparent shade and I could see water dripping from the top of his hoodie and from his pockets.

Yet he didn't move, didn't make a sound, not even a breath. He sat still like a statue, in the cold April rain.

A million thoughts were running through my mind, yet at the same time it was completely blank. Staring at him, as he sat there alone, soaked to the skin only raised one phrase in my head.

He's gonna get sick from all of this rain!

I hurried over, my steps making loud thwacks against the pavement, yet Jiwon seemed to be too completely absorbed to even notice. Water was starting to pool into my sneakers, drenching my socks but I chose to ignore it.

This isn't about you. This is about Jiwon.

Finally, I arrived in front of him, my short stature looming against his seated one, yet Jiwon still managed not to notice.

Holding my umbrella above him, I stared down at him not sure of what to say, eventually my mind speaking for me.

"Yah, Kim Jiwon if you're gonna hang around when it's rainy like this, at least bring an umbrella!"

It was insensitive, unsympathetic and possibly the wrong thing to say in the situation, yet it managed to catch Jiwon's attention.

Slowly, he lifted his head to look up at me and what I saw almost broke my heart.

His usually smiling, laughing eyes were red and puffy and watery, the inner corners full of incoming tears. His whole expression was so full of sadness, of helplessness and what I feared most; regret. I had to grit my teeth to keep myself from expressing what my heart felt.

Quickly, he turned his head, and I could tell he was somewhat embarassed, from what I had just witnessed.

"Jiwoo-ah...I'm okay." He said, slowly, his voice on the verge on breaking down. He didn't look at me, just stared down at the bench.

"I just need to be alone."

I wasn't sure of how to respond to that.. Of course, I should leave him alone. Everyone needs quality time to themself, especially if they are going through a rough time.

Yet at the same time, you need someone. A tiny piece of support. Someone to listen to you, to console you, to wipe away your tears, give you a hug, give you advice, and tell you that you are a good, worthy person. In the hard times of my life, I knew I needed at least one person and sometimes I didn't have them. The last thing I wanted was for Jiwon to feel that way.

And I knew Jiwon. Not every curve and crevice of him, but I knew the majority of him. Would he be the type to completely lock up his feelings and keep them to himself, just to spare anyone of the burden? 

"Hey. Kim Jiwon"

I gently turned Jiwon's face towards me, ignoring the pink tint of embarassment on his cheeks.

"If you really need to be alone, and I mean really, then I'll leave. I'll return home and let you think."

The tiniest bit of disappointment flickered in Jiwon's eyes yet he managed to keep a stony expression.

"However, if you think me being here, listening to you and the pain in your mind, and just being the rock you can lean on is a burden to me, it's not. You'll never be a burden to me, Kim Jiwon. You wanna know why? Cause we're in this together. And-"

I like you, Kim Jiwon.

"I will always be here for you. You are not and never will be alone as long as I'm living and breathing on this planet. Your problems are my problems and we'll get through this together. You would do the same for me, Jiwon, I know it, so don't ever feel bad if I do it for you. Okay?"

Crisp silence filled the air for a few minutes as Jiwon looked down and contemplated this. Nervously, I checked my watch; 10:22 p.m. I was running out of time.

Finally, I decided to give up. Jiwon wanted to be alone; I shouldn't pressure him into telling me everything.

Handing him the umbrella, I started to turn away. "I'll leave you alone to your-"

Suddenly, Jiwon's hand darted out, grabbing hold of my raincoat sleeve. I turned to him in surprise.

"Jiwoo. Wait."

Even though I stopped, had not even taken one step, Jiwon gripped onto my sleeve tightly, like he didn't want me to run away.

"Stay. Please stay." His voice was shaking. "Stay with me."

My lip started to tremble, as rain dripped into my eyes. Slowly I nodded and sat down beside him, him never letting go of my rain jacket sleeve. 

Jiwon rested the umbrella in between us, so that it sat on top of his head, making it lopsided due to my short height. Letting go of my sleeve, he intertwined our fingers together, my smaller hand, completely enveloped by his larger one.

I leaned my head on his shoulder and soon enough, I felt Jiwon's head softly land on top of mine.

Silence filled the air, only the distinct pitter patter of rain and the soft sound of both of us breathing was heard. My hair was plastered to my scalp and face, absolutely soaked, while rain dripped over the crevices of my face and onto my clothing. A million emotions were going through my body, the most distinct being the loud thuds of my beating heart.

"I'm sorry to have worried you like this."

That was the first thing he said and I wasn't at all surprised that he thought of me before thinking of himself. He always thought of other's peoples' emotions before his self...so why did he run away?

"Kim Jiwon, it's okay. You needed your space."

"Do the other members-"

"Only Jinhwan oppa. I told him not to tell anyone cause I knew where you were."

Jiwon chuckled. "Of course you did Jiwoo. You are my best friend after all."

Best friend?

My eyes widened in surprise, but I made no comment on it. But who knew I would truly see the day when my best friend was Kim Jiwon?

I like you, Kim-

"Jiwonnie... what is in your heart?"

Not his mind, I knew I shouldn't ask what was in his mind. I knew emotions muddled up your brain, made it a chaotic place with thousands of different thoughts and feelings. Only your heart knew the truth.

"My heart?" Jiwon laughed, somewhat bitterly. "Love. Regret. Sadness. Fear. Mostly regret. A lot of regret..."

Jiwon made a choking noise, that instinctively made me hold on to his hand even tighter.

"I'm such a weak person for crying over such a small matter. I have to be strong. I have to smile! Not everyone is blessed like I am. These feelings are pathetic..."

Realization hit me as soon as he said those words. Just like that, I knew why he was crying.

There wasn't any sort of trigger to why he felt sad. He was just strong for too long.

His feelings of regret, of sadness, of fear kept on piling up, until the towered over him. Until he couldn't take it no more. Until the floodgates finally opened and he cried all those feelings out of his system.

His tears weren't tears of weakness. They were tears of strength, strength that was going on for too long.

"Jiwonnie oppa..." I murmured, lifting up my head, causing for him to lift his head up. He turned his face away, and I knew he felt embarassed to be crying in front of me.

"You've been strong for too long. You've smiled when it hurt most. You've kept all of those bursting feelings locked in. "

Jiwon stiffened when hearing this, but didn't say a word, only held onto my hand tighter.

"So please, Jiwonnie oppa, please cry. Please let it all out. And don't feel embarassed to because...because you look really beautiful when you cry." (Author's note: Not gonna lie...this is kinda a Stydia-inspired moment)

I froze as soon as the words tumbled out of my mouth. But it was true, even when crying I still found Kim Jiwon to be really beautiful. It was because his tears came straight from his heart.

Slowly, Jiwon turned to me. Red eyes, swollen eye lids, wet cheeks and pouty lips, the most vulnerable face I had ever seen.

His eyes stared straight into mine as tears continuously fell, silently. 

"Jiwon..."

I reached over and wrapped my arms around him, my head on his shoulder.

"Please cry."

And he finally did.

Jiwon hugged me to him tightly, as he started to sob softly into my shoulder, his sobs gradually growing louder and filling with even more emotion. My hands reached up and his hair, my fingers wounding threw the soft strands.

He didn't try to speak, he didn't even try to breathe. He just cried; cried away all the pain he had felt since the beginning of time, the pain he attempted to cover and smile away, each of his tears dripping onto my rain jacket.

The air was chilly, the rain was wet yet all I felt was warmth; Jiwon's body pressed against mine as we tightly held onto each other on that rainy night.

+ + +

"It's just been really hard, lately you know? I was at a point where my mind couldn't take it anymore. So I just...ran."

It was around 11:00 p.m and Jiwon and I decided to stroll around the park. It was just us, cramped under my tiny umbrella, yet somehow we made it work. Jiwon being the taller one, held the umbrella with his left hand and linked his right arm with my left one. 

The park was simplistic, yet beautiful at night. Rain dripped off the tall, leafy trees and the wet pavement was overlapped with tiny puddles that Jiwon and I would hop over. It was the perfect place to have a long, nice talk.

It seemed that Jiwon didn't cry often because as we sat there, he cried for a very long time. It was like he was trying to make up for all of those past times that he felt like crying but didn't and it reassured me that he took his time to wash away all the negative feelings.

Afterwards, we sat in complete and utter silence, staring at the dripping world before us, before Jiwon finally turned to me and nudged his head towards the sidewalk.

Jiwon's face was a mess; red, swollen eyes, runny nose, wet, pink cheeks, yet even at his worse he still looked absolutely perfect in the faint rays of the streetlights.

Jiwoo...are you okay?

I'm fine, Jiwonnie.

...You're really wet, though.

You are even worse!

I guess that's true. 

Make sure to shower and change into warm clothing when you get home, alright?

Aish, Jiwoo-ah! You're like a mom.

...

I miss my mom.

...Jiwonnie...if you need to talk, you know I'm here for a reason, right?

...

...

It all started a long time ago, but I guess it was the Skype call this morning that triggered everything.

And then Jiwon started explaining everything; how he called his family in the morning and how just seeing their faces almost made him break down. How excited they were for his brother's wedding and how anxious he was because he wasn't sure if he could make it. How his heart was filled with bittersweetness just looking at his family, so many miles away from them and how in that moment, all he wanted to do was cross the computer screen and be with them.

"I always felt this way whenever I called them. But I usually just ignored how I felt, pretended to be happy and continued on with life. But today...I don't know. I guess those feelings kept on piling up until finally I just couldn't take it anymore."

Jiwon's voice was deeper and huskier than usual, and it felt somewhat soothing to walk with him and just listen to what he had to say.

It was in that moment that I realized the real meaning of tears and how precious they were.

All my life I thought I was weak for showing my emotions through my tears. That I wasn't strong enough to hide the sadness or the anger or the emotions in my heart. That being stony and cold and expressionless was a symbol for being strong.

Which it was. It's very strong to be able to smile, or be expressionless when your heart is full of pain. But why should tears be a symbol of weakness or shame? 

Tears were outlets. They were the gateway to letting go of all of the hurts and fears that wandered in your mind. They weren't outcomes of the weak, rather ones of the strong; the ones that held on for too long, suffered for too long, stayed strong for too long.

And sometimes they came often for those who were emotional like me, but were they any less stronger? Tears came too easily for people that were more sensitive than others but perhaps their strength laid in those very tears. To cry freely, openly and to be liberated from all of the burdens those very tears got rid of.

I had always felt ashamed for my tears but seeing Jiwon, one of the strongest people I knew, cry made me realize that tears had all sorts of contexts to it. That just because I cried, it didn't make me a spineless person like I always believed.

"Thank you, Jiwon." I told him quietly, once we had finished our stroll. By now, it was around 11:30 p.m and I knew there was no way I could make it to the boarding house on time.

By now, Jiwon had stopped crying, and there was almost a rejuvenated vibe about him. After minutes of ranting off all of his feelings, each and every one, he seemed to be at peace, his face calm and serene, like a still lake. Many times, I would hear his voice crack or choke, as if his tears threatened to spill over as he told me everything, yet he managed to swallow it down. It led me to believe that he had ran out of tears to pour and rather all that was left was the aching lump in his throat that led to crying.

"No, thank you, Jiwoo." Jiwon said, turning to look at me,his eyes sad but smiling. "I've never had anyone listen to me like this before or even talked about anything like this. I haven't felt this free in ages!"

Jiwon handed me the umbrella and ran out into the rain, spinning and spinning with his arms stretched out. If he weren't a human, I would have sworn he would have flown away, like a bird.

And while he did, he smiled and laughed. His stupidly, adorable laugh echoed throughout the dark,rainy park. I forgot what his smile had looked like, having not seen it all day and the sight of it sent my heart into a frenzy.

I like you, Kim Jiwon.

"YAH KIM JIWON, GET BACK HERE! I TOLD YOU NOT TO GET SICK, DIDN'T I? YOU HAVE TO GO AND DRESS UP WARMLY OR YOU WILL!"

"PARK JIWOO! DON'T BE A PARTY POOPER!"

"THE ONLY THING POOPING AROUND HERE IS THIS HEAVY RAIN! C'MON JIWONNIE!"

Suddenly, Jiwon stopped spinning and turned to look at me, before grinning once again. His hair was plastered to his scalp and forehead, water was dripping down his face, his clothes were soaking wet and clung to him like glue, yet he was happy. He was free. 

Jiwon walked towards me and to my surprise, planted a kiss on the top of soaked head once he arrived under my umbrella.

"Hey kiddo, it's getting late isn't it? We should head home."

"Y..yy....ye...ah." I stuttered, still astounded by Jiwon's kiss on my head. I had never been kissed anywhere by anybody outside of my family, and I could feel mt cheeks heat up by the sudden display of affection.

"I'll you home, It's really dark!"

"Erm...actually Jiwon, I can't go home."

"What do you mean?"

"The doors lock at 12am. I won't make it back in time. But it's alright. I can crash with Jinnie's cousin; her contact information is right here."

"Hold on a second." Jiwon swerved in front of me, his face serious as he placed his hands on my shoulders.

Gulping, I looked down at the ground, uncomfortable by Jiwon's intense gaze, especially since he just kissed my head.

"You're saying you're willing to go knocking on some stranger's door? At this hour?"

"Well, she's not really a stranger-"

"And neither am I, Jiwoo! Come stay with the guys and I. They have practice till 3; we could go to bed and I'll sneak you out when they are all gone. They'll never know."

"Kim Jiwon! Are you crazy?! There's no way I would do that!"

"You don't really have any other choice. You can't disrupt some stranger's beauty sleep when you have a friend, your best friend, right here in Seoul."

"What if someone finds out?"

"No one will find out, Jiwoo. I promise you."

I bit my lip. Spend the night with Jiwon? I was still battling my conflicting feelings about him and doing this was not going to help, not to mention he shared a dorm with six other guys and he himself was a dude! Wouldn't it be inappropriate?

But did I have any other choice? Realistically, I couldn't just knock on some stranger's door because technically I never actually met Jinnie's cousin. The boarding house was going to lock up in half an hour. What other choice did I have?

"You better hide me well, Kim Jiwon." I told him, causing for Jiwon's face to break into that lovable grin I adored so much. He linked his arm with mine.

"We're going to have a lot of fun, trust me." Jiwon said and there was no doubt in my mind that we wouldn't.

+ + +

"Alright I just got off the phone with Jinhwan. I told him to tell everyone that I was sick so I retired to the dorm and because I wasn't feeling well, I forgot to tell everyone. Sound good?"

I nodded robotically, not even listening to what came out of Jiwon's mouth.

I had seen the iKON dorm many times after numerous episodes of Mix & Match but it felt almost surreal to actually be sitting there. It was surprisingly quite neat, except for the jumble of differnt shoes at the entrance.

The dorm was small yet cozy. Jiwon had taken me on a tour of all of the rooms and I caught of glimpse of everyone's different personality and style; Donghyuk was intelligent and reserved, Yunhyeong kept a collection of chapsticks, Chanwoo lived up to his maknae name with his many figurines and Hanbin had quite the collection of Mickey Mouse items.

Jiwon shared his room with Donghyuk which made me nervous. Where was I supposed to sleep without getting caught?

Jiwon let me take a shower before him and lended me a dry t-shirt and shorts for pajamas; both oversized but very comfty. It made me feel strange to take a shower in the very shower that all the iKON members had been in multiple times...unclothed.

I tried to ignore this fact as I let the hot water hit my skin and wash away the cold, freezing touch of rainwater. Meanwhile, I could hear my phone buzzing on the sink counter; most likely texts from Jinnie asking where I was and if I was still alive.

Yah! PARK JIWOO ANSWER ME!

ARE YOU AT MY COUSIN'S? WHERE ARE YOU?

SHOULD I CALL THE POLICE?

I finished my shower and got dressed before reading the texts on the screen.

What exactly was I supposed to tell Jinnie? That I was sleeping at the iKON dorm? I was sure she would understand, yet at the same time I knew she was somewhat suspicious of the relationship Jiwon and I shared. Hani didn't seem to care but Jinnie was different. She had Jinhwan to tell her everything Jiwon did and she observed me, herself. Multiple times I would be texting Jiwon, and she would know it was him.

"How's Jiwon doing?"

"How do you know?"

"You get this certain face when it comes to him, you know. Like a mixture of oh-he's-such-an-idiot and but-i-still-really-love-him."

"That's ridiculous."

Telling her would just confirm her suspicions..whatever they were.

Kim Jinnie! I'm fine. I booked into a cheap hotel and I'll be back by the morning.

Did you find Jiwon?

Yeah, he's fine. It's alright. I'll see you tomorrow!

I wiped my brow in relief as I exited the bathroom, bumping into something hard.

I looked up from my phone. Jiwon's tan, muscular back was mere inches away from my face.

I couldn't help but gape at his broad shoulders, prominent shoulder blades and the view of his strong biceps. The nape of his neck was smooth and tan and surprisingly adorable.

In the middle of his back was a circular tattoo. In neat cursive, the top part read "Fear only God", whereas the bottom read "Hate only Sins."

 I averted my eyes to the ground, just as Jiwon turned around. My heart was beating fast just from the sight of his back. I did not want to see his chest, at all.

"Shower's free." I said quickly, walking past him, looking down. Jiwon didn't seem to care, because he merely patted my head and said "Thanks!"

I hurried to Jiwon's room before collapsing on his bed and laying my fingertips on my cheeks. As expected, they were burning hot from embarassment.

"Control yourself, Emmy. Seriously..." I told myself, trying to remove the image of Jiwon's attractive back from my mind. My heart was pounding loud and hard, palpitating so much that my chest was actually starting to physically hurt.

Is this what love feels like?

I froze, my hand still on my chest.

Love.

I had never used the word, never uttered it to anyone outside of my family yet here it was, popping up when I was thinking about Kim Jiwon.

What the hell? You don't even know if you even like him!

I sat up straight, as if tension had caused my spine to align up, as I felt my heart beat beneath my fingers, my face red and burning.

I mean there are many types of love. Like...family love. Brotherly love. You probably love him as a brother. There's no way you're in love with Kim Jiwon!

I sat there for what seemed like ages, my heart thrumming in my chest, repeating this line over and over in my head. While I did, I couldn't help but notice something very familiar-looking on the wall.

True to his word, it was the box of chocolates, I got Jiwon. Above it was a banner that read "The First Time I Got Valentine's Day Chocolates!"

He's wasn't joking.

"Yah. Jiwoo-ah. It's bedtime!"

I jumped up, startled by Jiwon's loud voice and sudden appearance. Fortunately, he was wearing a baggy white t-shirt to sleep and black shorts and his smile seemed to stretch for miles.

"Jiwoo. You look so cute in my clothes!"

"Th..th..thank you."

I was stuttering, something I never did in front of Jiwon but my previous almost-realization made me nervous. Jiwon seemed to notice, his eyes filling up with the tiniest bit of concern.

"You okay, Jiwoo?"

"I'm fine. Let's just go to sleep, alright?"

I really need to think abou this.

"Alright. Well, we're sleeping in Jinhwan's room."

"Eh?"

I got up and followed him to Jinhwan's room where Jiwon had already a mattress and blankets set up on the floor.

"Er...why are we here?"

"Cause Jinhwan's the only member that knows you're here, so it'll be better if we just sleep together."

"And who's here originially?"

"Junhoe, but him and Donghyuk get along pretty well. I told Jinhwan to tell them I needed to borrow him for the night."

"...it seems that this isn't your first time "borrowing" him."

"Well...Jinhwan is the oldest in the group, therefore the wisest and most trustworthy. It is a known fact he is also the most loved."

Perhaps that's why Jinnie likes him so much.

"Alright Jiwoo, you'll sleep on the mattress and I'll sleep on the floor, next to you.

"EH?!"

My eyes widened as I stared at the sleeping arrangements on the ground. The mattress was thin, barely off the floor. It was practically the same as sleeping with him.

"Ah...it's fine Jiwon, I'll sleep on the ground."

and as far away from you as possible.

"Nonsense, you're my guest Jiwoo!"

"But you must be tired from practice-"

"I hardly practiced today! And the hard surface is great for my back."

Jiwon plopped himself on the blanketed floor before patting the mattress next to him.

"C'mon Jiwoo!"

I gulped, before taking a deep breath and sitting on the mattress. My back was so stiff that I wasn't sure if I could sleep.

Jiwon ran to go turn off the lights ("Whoops! I forgot to hit the lights!") as I slowly lowered myself into bed.

The mattress was soft and warm and made me want to melt, like a marshmallow. The lights went off, but I could see Jiwon's outline as he hurried back.

Jiwon settled into bed beside, his breathing low and slow. I heard him turn in his sheets, to face me.

"Jiwoo-ah?"

"Yeah Jiwonnie?"

"...I really meant it when I said thanks today. For everything. No one's ever done that for me before, except for Jinhwan and even so I wasn't able to let everything completely out like today. You gave me freedom."

"I'll always be here, you know that right?"

"Of course. But also...thanks for not laughing at my tears. And telling me I'm beautiful when I cry. Tears have always made me uncomfortable, but somehow when it's you, it's okay."

"I would never laugh at your tears, Jiwon. Every single one of them are precious because they all come straight from the heart."

I shifted so that I was turned towards him and we were facing each other, my face a bit higher due to the elevation of the mattress. Even in darkness I could make out the sharpness of his eyes, the outline of his nose and his distinct lips.

"Jiwoo...how do you do it?"

"Do what?"

"Make me feel better. It takes literally just one word from you to lift up my mood."

"That's what best friends are for. right?"

"Yeah..."

I felt Jiwon reach under my blanket and grab my hand, interlocking our fingers.

"Hey, Jiwoo, I'll do the same for you. Make you happy in the hardest of times."

"You already do, Jiwon."

"Ah, do I?"

Jiwon's eyes widened and looked so spazsitically adorable that I laughed.

"Of course Jiwonnie."

"Then I promise that's what I'll always do."

He sighed, and his warm, minty breath blew into my face, blowing at my bangs.

"You know, I never cried because I thought tears wouldn't help. That they were only for weak people that couldn't handle their problems. But today I learned that they are what help people handle problems. From now on, I'll cry freely and let my feelings go rather than keep them bottled up. It's healthy and natural to shed tears. They shouldn't be shamed."

Jiwon's voice was starting to drift off and his grip on my hand became loose. Soon enough, he was fast asleep, his breaths making tiny puffs against my face,

I had also learned something. Staring at Jiwon's face and imagining all those tears he shed that day, I felt a certain pang in my heart.

It hurt to see the one you love suffering, in pain, in any kind of pain. Every tear Jiwon shed was a knife cutting into my heart. All you wish for them is happiness and prosperity. Because that's what love is; thinking about someone before yourself.

I ran out into the night on a rainy day, took a bus to Seoul where I knew nobody, wasn't sure if I would have a bed to sleep at night and why?

Because of the snoring boy in front of me.

Leaning over, I softly pressed my lips against Jiwon's forehead, chuckling, hearing the murmur he made, after I pulled back.

"I love you, Kim Jiwon." I whispered.

Because that very night I realized I didn't like Kim Jiwon.

I was in love with him.

Seeing your tears was like seeing a new you.

Or maybe I just never saw you as you really were

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 Posting this today because all I wished was for someone like park jiwoo to comfort me.

Please feel free to comment and subscribe! I appreciate all of you <3 <3 <3

-Donggu