February 14th 2015

Positivity was hard to come by for someone as cynically inclined as I was.

I have always struggled with the idea of an optimistic mindset since the day I was born. It was strange how I always failed to see the light in every situation and instead, gearing my mind toward the dark shadows. No matter how hard I tried, my mind failed to think positively and as a result, I overworried and overstressed and under slept and cried and waited, just waited for the sun to peek out of the dark clouds.

Even though there was no dark clouds to begin with, my mind created those dark clouds. I created those worrisome thoughts because I couldn't bring myself to see the world in a glass-half-full perspective.

And I kinda hated myself for that.

It mystified me to see people, such as my older sister who was back home, and Hani, one of the bubbliest and most cheerful people I knew, somehow manage to remain positive in the darkest of situations. Their minds formulated ideas and solutions and good outcomes and happy endings. They smiled when the sky was dark, the rain was acid and the winds blew harshly. I couldn't even manage that on a sunny day and I couldn't help but greatly admire and envy them for such optimistic thoughts.

I had once read a book and came across a quote from Allen Klein, the manager of the Beatles and the Rolling Stones. Of course he was known for his unethical practices and therefore seemed not to be the wisest or credible of people to source, however I couldn't help but contemplate its meaning.

"Your attitude is like a box of crayons that color your world. Constantly color your picture gray, and your picture will always be bleak. Try adding some bright colors to the picture by including humor, and your picture begins to lighten up."

That's how I seemed to view situations in life; monochrome, grey, colourless. My attitude was like a piece of charcoal, or a lead pencil or a grey pencil crayon; bland and bleak.

I wanted to colour my world, fill it with rainbow colours, bright neon, pastel shades, anything but the stale grey I was so accustomed to seeing. A glass-half-full perspective, filled with bursts of dazzling colour and the scent of flowers and the taste of fruits.

I still struggled with this idea, and still struggle with it to this day. Positive thinking did not appear in an instant flash; it had to be developed, built upon, grown. Everyday, I had to tell myself to think of the sun in the sky rather than the murky depths of the ocean. It was hard to shake such a regulated mindset, yet I was working on it.

Unsurprisingly, Jiwon had absolutely no problem, whatsoever with keeping a positive mind. I had always known this, seeing his 24/7 smile and his cheerful attitude. It was one of the reasons why him and I clicked so well together; his positivity balanced out my negativity so that whenever we were together, we were at a neutral level.

February 14th, Valentine's day was a brutal and annoying holiday that made me crabbier than usual. My true cynical colours came out whenever this day rolled around and as a result, my friends and family tried their best to tiptoe around me.

Valentine's day was a ridiculous holiday. It was created solely to bring in profit in such a short month, not based on emotional love like it should be. Wouldn't a girl or boy rather recieve affectionate gifts, and surprise kisses and elaborate dates on a date they least expected, rather than Valentine's day? If a boy showed up at my house at 1 in the morning, ready to go out for pancakes on Pi day, I would be charmed rather than the overrated and very much expected Valentine's day.

Here in Korea, there were two types of Valentine's days; Valentine's day where the girls showed affection for the boys and March 14th, White Day, which was the other way around. This year, I had no interest whatsoever in any type of boy and was planning to spend my day with Jinnie and Hani.

Jiwon still managed to come across my mind the moment I woke up. I wondered if he was doing something for Valentine's day, with the boys or with the other artists or just anyone. He seemed like the type to celebrate any holiday, especially Valentine's day where he was supposed to recieve chocolates and cards and love.

Jiwon did have many fangirls after all, so there was no doubt he would be recieving numerous gifts. He regularly recieved them whenever he was at the airport or out and about so it was expected he would benefit from this holiday, somehow. I just wondered if he would actually do something...

Unfortunately, right at that moment, Jinnie managed to somehow jab her dangerously sharp elbow, right into my eye, very forcefully.

"Jiwoo, I am so sorry!" She exclaimed, as I clutched onto my throbbing eye, squeaks of pure pain escaping from my mouth. Sparkles and beams of light danced in my vision from the sharp, stabbing pain.

"It's fine." I managed to say, even though I could feel my eyelid start to swell up. "It's fine, Jinnie, really."

Hani appeared with a bag of ice, pressing it against my eye to subsidize the swelling. When I removed it to look at myself in the mirror, a girl with bedhead and a blackeye stared right back.

Luckily, it wasn't very severe; just a bit red and bruised, though it still hurt to blink. Hani tried her best to cover the redness with foundation, but it still somehow managed to peek through.

Instantly, I sensed this unfortunate event as an omen for a bad day. Valentine's Day didn't bring a sense of enjoyment to people like me. the single, cynical, lonely ones. It was meant for happy, cheerful, affectionate ones like Jiwon. Today just wasn't my day and I was convinced it would just go downhill from there.

Think like an optimist. It was just a blip in your morning...nothing else can possibly go wrong. It's Valentine's Day after all.

"Valentine's Day, my ." I muttered to myself, as I got changed.

+ + +

The air was crispy and the wind was chilly, yet Jinnie, Hani and I somehow managed to get our butts to the city of Seoul.

Couples walked past us, holding hands and snuggling and carrying heart-shaped balloons and enjoying the cold, winter's day together. Meanwhile, my stomach was rumbling loudly, the sound resembling chainsaws slicing through my intestines, and my red, swelling, bruised eye continued to throb.

"The movie doesn't start until 2," Jinnie started, checking the movie tickets. "So, I guess we'll hang around until then??"

"Hang around where?" Hani asked, though I had a feeling she already knew where she wanted to go. Hani was Big Bang's biggest fan; her walls were plastered with their faces, she had at least 10 Big Bang t-shirts and every year she bought herself a new pair of T.O.P socks from the internet.

"Please don't tell me you want to hang around the YG Building like creepy stalkers!" I pleaded. The last person on Earth I wanted to see at the current moment, on this crappy day was Kim Jiwon.

"Yah, Park Jiwoo, don't lie. We all know you're in love with a certain Bobby Kim, and don't you want to see even the slightest glimpse of him?" Hani asked, calling me by my Korean name.  Only my family and friends called me that, otherwise I was know as "Emmy". "Jiwoo" was only reserved to the people I held close to my heart.

Oh I've seen enough of him, alright. I thought to myself, pressing my lips together.

"I just don't want to be like an annoying sasaeng." I said, following Hani, who was using her phone to find the address of the building. 

"We are just going to wave and say "Hi", not stalk them or follow them to their house." Hani scoffed. "Besides, I actually bought chocolates for T.O.P, just in case I spotted him."

My stomach was shaking like an earthquake, but I sighed and followed Hani anyways.

After walking in countless circles, asking at least 20 strangers for directions and 3 blisters on each foot, we finally arrived in front of a tall, Modernly designed building made out of shiny metal and glass windows. Around 50 fans were waiting at the entrance, holding up signs and carrying gifts.

"Aish, Hani the things we do for you." Jinnie muttered, as we fought to earn a place in the crowd. The whole space stank of body spray and perfume and once the intoxicating scents entered my nostrils, I started coughing uncontrollably.

"Ugh, watch it!" A girl in front of me snapped, fixing her coughed-on hair. "Don't cough on my present to Jinhwan- oppa!"

"Jinhwan?" Jinnie asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, Kim Jinhwan, the oldest in iKON? Do you seriously not know anything?"

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes, as I grabbed Jinnie's hand.

"C'mon Jinnie, let's wait over there until Hani finishes throwing her chocolates as T.O.P's head." I said, leading us out of the crowd. From afar, I could see Hani's dyed-light brunnette head animatedly chatting with another girl as she waved her chocolates in the air. Hani had always been quite the social butterfly.

Suddenly, a black SUV pulled up in front of the entrance, and the crowd immediately went chaotic. 

"WHO COULD IT BE??"

"BIG BANG BIG BANG!"

"TAEYANG OPPPA I LOVE YOU!"

"NAMTAE YOU'RE SO HOT!"

"BOBBBBBBBBBBY OPPPPPPPPPA!"

High-pitched squeals and crazy fangirl screams filled the air, almost popping my eardrums and destroying my sense of hearing.

Beside me, Jinnie covered her ears to block out the irriitating noises.

"Damn, who knew girls could be so loud?" I muttered to myself, as I kept my eyes focused on the SUV. Who was in there and about to face the abundant love of 50 crazy fangirls?

Finally, the door opened and the first people that popped out of the car were 2 bodyguards, followed by Kim Jinhwan.

I could tell it was him from his short height, pale skin, round face and tiny heart-shaped mole below his eye. Everyone knew Jinhwan; he was the oldest and most loved member of iKON with the "voice that was nice to listen to, at night'. 

His presence alarmed my senses because he was a part of iKON. And who else was a part of iKON?

Kim. Ji. Won.

"Wow, who's that?" Jinnie asked, her eyes following Jinhwan as he walked towards the YG Building and tried to catch all of the flying presents thrown at him.

"Kim Jinhwan." I replied absentmindedly, looking around for a place to hide. 

My day really wasn't going so well.

Hanbin appeared next, his round eyes serious and harsh. A box of flying chocolates hit him square in the head, causing for him to pick them up, rub his head and glare at whoever threw them at him. 

Suddenly, Hani burst from the crowd, her eyes wide and face red., She grabbed Jinnie and I's hands and yelling "Run!"

The last thing I saw, as I turned my head to catch one last glimpse, was Kim Jiwon immerging from the car and looking at three runaway girls with a confused expression on his face.

+ + +

"Today is really just not our day, is it?"

It seemed that my bad luck rubbed off on Jinnie and Hani, because not only did we end up late the movie, halfway through the movie and with crappy seats, Hani fell down and ripped her tights and scraped her knees, whereas Jinnie lost 55 000 won.

We were all looking at the situation through different lenses; me as a pessimist, Jinnie as a realist and Hani as an optimist.

"C'mon guys, today wasn't so bad. We saw 2/7 of iKON!" Hani reminded us, as we walked through the cold. It was around 5:00 p.m and the sky was already turning dark. 

"Hani, I'm tired, hungry, and my eye feels like . I don't think anything can fix my mood." I counteracted, my pessisimistic nature rising to the surface. "I don't know if it's Valentine's day's fault or if it's coincidentally a crappy day, but today was definitely not our day."

"I'm with Jiwoo on this one."Jinnie agreed, as she watched another lovey-dovey couple pass by. "Let's just go grab some food and see where the night takes us, alright?"

Hani looked like she wanted to argue, but changed her mind and shook her head. "Yeah, I guess we just need some food in our system." She agreed.

We arrived at a small, Korean restaurant that was slightly crowded, but still had enough space for the three of us. Various couples were eating food, feeding each other, taking photos and laughing.  The inside was tiny and cozy; wood flooring, beige walls and a sense of comfort. But I couldn't help but sense a tug of familiarity as I observed my surroundings. I swore I've seen this place before even though I've never been here. But where?

Jinnie, Hani and I ordered ddeokbeoki, naengmyun, kimchi fried rice, bibimbap and manduguk. As Jinnie and Hani discussed the movie (or at least the parts we saw), I kept on wracking my brain, searching for where I had seen this place before.

My answer came to me when our food arrived; literally. The lady that delivered our food; a cute, smiley woman handed me a piece of paper after placing the food on our table.

"From Jiwon." She told me, grinning at me so widely, I couldn't help but smile back. I nodded and told her "Thank you", though numerous thoughts were running through my head. What was Jiwon doing here at this time?

"Who's Jiwon?" Jinnie asked, after the lady left. 

"Just some guy I met at the convenience store." I told her, because it wasn't a complete lie. "He comes to the library sometimes. I wonder what he's doing here?"

Unfolding the paper, the words Text me as soon as you get this! ~ Jiwon and a phone number appeared on the paper.

Aish this kid. I thought to myself, punching in the number into my phone. He's acting all weird and mysterious all of a sudden.

My stomach suddenly grumbled and I slipped my phone into my pocket. Jiwon could wait; there was food I needed to demolish.

Dinner seemed to be the highlight of my night. Hani, Jinnie and I ate messily and discussed our lives, reminiscing when we all lived back in the States together, and our lives in Korea now, and the types of boys we liked. It had been awhile since I felt so relaxed, carefree and happy.

By the end of our meal, I suddenly remembered Jiwon's number burning a hole in my pocket. Taking out my phone, I sent him a quick Hey Kimbap, it's me, Emmy.

15 seconds later, my phone vibrated and the words Meet me in front of the bathrooms. appeared on the screen.

How did Jiwon know I was here in the first place? Sighing, I got up and excused myself before finding the bathroom.

"Yahhhhhh kiddo what took you so long?" I heard the voice before I saw the person that projected it.

"Aish, Kimbap, why are you so impatient?" I asked, as I rounded the corner and walked straight into a brick wall.

That brick wall, wasn't actually made out of brick, but rather bone and blood and flesh. It smelled like toothpaste and its chest was firm...really firm.

"Yah, idiot move out of the way." I said, looking up at Jiwon, who just stared down at me and lightly flicked my forehead, causing for me to flinch back.

He actually looked quite nice that day, his floppy black hair slicked to one side, black high-top sneakers, black jeans and white hoodie and black-and-white varsity jacket. I stared at him in awe for about two seconds before shaking my head and reminding myself that it was just Jiwon.

"Is that any way to talk to the guy that just paid for your dinner?" Jiwon asked, smirking at my goldfish expression, when hearing those words.

"A) I didn't ask you to do that and B) why the hell did you do that? I'm not the richest but I can pay for myself!" I complained, folding my arms across my chest. "And anyways, how did you know I was here? Are you some creepy stalker or something?"

"This is my Aunt's restaurant, pabo." Jiwon stated, raising his eyebrows as a look of recognition crossed my face. "I was here talking to her, you came in and I sent a note because I didn't want to go out and cause a scene."

I almost slapped my forehead for being so dumb. I had watched the Mix & Match episode of Team Bobby eating here many times, yet I was unable to piece it together.

"It still doesn't explain why you felt the need to pay." I pointed out, stepping away from Jiwon so that I could face him, properly. "I'm not completely helpless you know."

"Think of it...as a Valentine's Day gift." Jiwon suggested. "You know, celebrating our short and strange friendship so far."

I thought about it, not exactly liking the sound of it, but going with it anyway.

"Valentine's Day is overrated...but I guess I'll just roll it with for now. " I started, making the corners of his mouth quirk up. God that grin. "Thanks Jiwonnie."

"No problem." Jiwon replied, ruffling my hair, affectionately. "By the way, I was wondering if you wanted to take a walk with me? I know it's cold but today was kinda weird and I thought it would be nice to get some fresh air."

A walk. It actually sounded tempting to go out and move around for a bit, even in the cold, chilly air. To think and talk into the wide, empty spaces. 

"I want to...but I have to go home with Hani and Jinnie." I stated, trying to keep the disappointment out of my voice so that Jiwon wouldn't feel bad. "Sorry."

"They could come too!" Jiwon said. "C'mon, let's go ask them!"

Before I could even stop him, Jiwon walked past me and towards where Hani, Jinnie and I were seated.

"Aish, this stupid child...' I muttered, running after him.

Jiwon's long strides got him there way before I did, and he was already antimatedly chatting with Hani and Jinnie, by the time I arrived.

"Naaah, you two go ahead and take a walk. We'll meet up and go home together later on. We'll be fine." I heard Hani tell Jiwon.

Beside her, Jinnie nodded.

"You did after all pay for our dinner. We owe it to you to take our Emmy for a walk!"

"I'm not a dog!" I protested, joining their conversation. Jiwon patted the top of my head, as if contradicting my point.

"Bus stop at 9:00 p.m and not a minute later,alright?" Hani told me, pointing to me. Before I could object, her and Jinnie got up calling behind them "Later guys!", and rushing off to God-Knows-Where.

I nearly sighed from relief. Hani and Jinnie didn't recognize Jiwon, even though they knew of my love for him. They only heard of him and his songs, and probably saw "Born Hater" once.

Thank God for that.

"What did you say to them?" I asked, turning to Jiwon .

"The truth. We're friends that want to take a walk." Jiwon simply replied, grabbing his jacket from the hook.

"But what if Jinnie and Hani think I'm ditching them and are just being polite? What if in a few years they tell me that they'll never forget that one time I left them to walk with some mysterioso stranger on Valentine's Day? What if their feelings are hurt? What if-"

My questions were cut off by Jiwon suddenly grabbing my face, squishing my cheeks together and impairing me of my speech.

"Or they just want you to take a nice walk. Do you always see the worse in every situation?"Jiwon asked, letting go of my face."Now c'mon kiddo, we've got 3 hours to kill together. Let's move it!"

Jiwon and I left his Aunt's warm restaurant and stepped into the chilly cold. The snow fell like the first time we met; slowly, softly and the big, open, dark sky was lit by the lights of the buildings and streetlamps.

I observed my surroundings in complete awe. I used to hate winter; it was dark, cold and made me feel sick. But winter was also beautiful with its glittering snow and falling snowflakes and warm hearts in the freezing air and was starting to grow on me.

I turned to Jiwon who was staring at me, just staring at me with a small smile on his face.

"I like it when you smile, kiddo." He finally said, chopping the top of my head. "Oh and by the way..." He reached into his backpack, producing my knit scarf.

"Thanks for the scarf. I would have died that night if it weren't for you."

"You're a drama queen, Kim Jiwon." I retorted as he slipped the scarf around my head, and wrapped it around my neck.

"Yeah, but I'm your favourite. Now where to first? I suggest...the Chocolate Shop?"

"Why there?" I asked, as Jiwon and I started walking.

"It's Valentine's Day and I haven't gotten chocolates yet. Only Hanbin has, though it was only because your friend threw them at his head. He was mad, but still ate them."

"You...you knew about that?"

"Well yeah. I should have know that you would be part of a runaway group of girls that just nailed Hanbin in the head with chocolates!"

We arrived at a cutesy chocolate shop, where many couples were lounging, feeding each other chocolates.

Jiwon turned to me, excitedly, staring at all of the different chocolate selections.

"Emmmmmmmy-ahhhh it's Valentine's Day when the girl gets chocolates for the boy she likes, right?"

Jiwon didn't say my name very often, but when he did, it turned my heart into a puddle of mush. "Yeah, so?" I fought to say seriously, without so much of the hint of a grin on my face.

"We are at a chocolate shop..."

"Jiwon, I don't even like you as a human." I deadpanned, causing for Jiwon to pout, adorably. "There's no way in Hades-"

"Please, please, please Emmy!" He pleaded, his eyes wide and large like a puppy's, his lips formed into an adorable pout and his eyelashes fluttering like a butterfly's. It made me half want to slap him for being such an idiot and half want to curl him up into a ball and hug him for the rest of eternity.

I pursed my lips, trying my best to resist Jiwon's adorable charms, but failed miserably, once he tilted his head.

"FINE!" I yelled, causing for Jiwon's face to break into a wide and bright smile. 

The things I would do for that smile. I thought to myself, as I got out my money and requested to buy a box of a dozen chocolates.

+ + +

Even though I had spent about half a year in Seoul, I still hadn't gone for a walk in a park. It was strange, considering back home I had a large pond in in my backyard and would walk around it daily.

Jiwon kept the chocolates in his backpack, claiming he was going to frame it one day, calling it "The First Time I've ever gotten Valentine's Day's Chocolates." I told him that it was a waste of food, however he digressed, stating that "Reminants of special memories are never a waste."

Jiwon and I walked side-by-side towards a "very magical park" (in accordance to Jiwon).

I breathed out into the cold air, foggy clouds releasing from my mouth, like smoke. So far Valentine's Day had been one of the strangest days of my life; first it went bad and then took a turn for a more bizarre path.

Suddenly, a sportscar whizzed past us, spewing gas into the atmosphere and projecting obnoxiously loud sounds. It drove straight into a very large, icy puddle and like in the movies, splashed Jiwon and I,from the neck and up.

"YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!" I yelled, shaking my sopping wet hair. Scratch bizarre; it just went back to bad.

My pessimistic mindset was kicking back in, once again. Suddenly I was reminded of my throbbing eye caked with makeup, and missing the movie, and the cold weather biting into my skin, and my freezing head and frozen scarf and how I was probably going to die of frost bite-

"SHOWER!"

My thoughts were interrupted by Jiwon, who was skipping and twirling happily, his hair shedding droplets of icy water everywhere he went.

"Yah, Kiddo it's not everyday you get a free shower!" He exclaimed happily, grabbing my hands and spinning me around. "Sure it's been a bit too cold, but I'll just put on my hood and be fine!"

My eyes widened at Jiwon's optimism even in this kind of situation. How was it that he was so positive? His head must have been freezing. 

As I watched, Jiwon dance around and be merry, I couldn't help but somewhat envy him for being able to be so cheerful. Why was it that my head was full of dark clouds and his was so full of sunshine? How did happy thoughts enter his head so easily while not even one penetrated the surface of my cranium?

Water dripped into my eyes, blurring my vision, and I angrily wiped it away, angry that my head was going to turn into a gigantic ice cube and angry that I was being so negative. Here was Jiwon, skipping around like a bunny even though he ws probably tired from practicing all day, with his floppy hair, freezing cold yet still smiling and laughing. How did he have the strength to do it? How was he so strong?

Jiwon put his hood over his head and tightened the strings, then walked over to me, and did the same too.

"You don't want you hair turning into ice, right kiddo?" Jiwon asked. His grin was so wide and his eyes were so smiley that I unconciously could feel a smile forming on my lips.

"Yeah, I guess not." I replied, the warmth of my hood causing for my hair to melt. I could feel water dripping down my neck, but I chose to ignore it. 

Don't think negatively. Look at Jiwon and how positive he is.

"C'mon Jiwonnie, let's go to this "oh-so-magical park" you've been speaking. of." I said. I didn't even take one step when Jiwon suddenly stopped me.

"Emmy...not to sound rude or anything...but is your eye okay?" Jiwon asked, placing his hands on my shoulders to keep me in place. He leaned down, his face drawing closer to mine so that I could observe every detail of it; his concerned, sharply-angled eyes and flower petal lips and bunny teeth. Not that I needed to; I had already memorized every single feature.

The water must have washed off the foundation Hani worked so hard on to apply. I cursed mentally, pressing my hand to my bruised eye.

"Jinnie accidentally elbowed me this morning...I'm fine Jiwonnie, really." I said, though I felt my eye begin to throb, each pang of pain causing for me to grit my teeth. 

Jiwon gently took my hand away from my eye and brought his face even closer, so close that our lips were mere inches away. I wanted to step back, lengthen the distance between us, however I just stood there, frozen, like an ice sculpture.

All I smelled was chocolate, chocolate from the free samples Jiwon gorged on at the Chocolate shop. Everytime his mouth released a quiet puff of breath, my nose was suddenly filled with a sweet, cocoa-flavoured scent.

His eyes came close to mine, so close that I was able to see my reflection in them. It made me feel dizzy for Jiwon's proximity to be so close to mine.

"Does it...does it hurt to blink?" Jiwon's voice came out as a whisper, and I could feel his breath hit my lips everytime he spoke.

I nodded, my eyes wide and daring not to blink. "Kinda."

Jiwon also nodded, his eyes narrowing with even more concern. "Close your eyes." He whispered.

My forehead creased with confusion. "Wha-?"

"Close your eyes." Jiwon repeated, this time his voice more serious.

I stared at him, suspiciously. What the heck was Jiwon planning on doing? Punching me in the face? Running away and laughing?

You seriously need to think more positively, Emmy.

Slowly and hesitantly, I closed both of my eyes, darkness engulfing my vision. All I could feel was a cold breeze sweeping across my face,the dampness of my hoodie from my wet hair and droplets dripping down my neck and forehead.

Then slowly, ever so slowly, I felt something soft gently press against my bruised eyelid. It was light and delicate, like fluttering flower petals against my skin.

I froze, completely froze, unsure of what Jiwon had just did to me. Did he just touch my eyelid with his fingertip?

Whatever it was drew back after 5 seconds, leaving me to wonder what just happened. It actually had felt quite nice against my throbbing eyelid.

I felt Jiwon lean closer, his breath fanning towards my ear and finally words pouring out.

"Be careful, kiddo." He told me, his husky, low voice barely a whisper. "I get worried, you know?"

My eyes snapped open to find that Jiwon was so close to me that our chests were practically touching as he leaned down to whisper to me.

I nodded, backing away from Jiwon, my eyes wide.

"Yeah, um I will." I said, quickly. I didn't know why I felt so nervous, but suddenly my hands were shaking and my palms were sweaty.

Jiwon brought his finger to my forehead, wiping off a droplet of water, before nudging his head towards the direction of the park.

'Shall we?"

I didn't reply, because I couldn't. My words were stuck in my throat. My heart had started to beat fast from Jiwon's fingertip to forehead contact and now it was pounding so hard that I swore I could hear the loud thumping sounds in my chest cavity.

That day,I wondered if Jiwon could hear it too. Still to this day, I wonder.

I nodded, following Jiwon's steps in complete silence. Ever so often, he would look back, his sharp jawline showcased by his dark silhouette. 

"You okay, kiddo?" He would ask each time, his voice full of concern and care. And I would reply with "Still alive, Jiwonnie!"

Weird things were happening in my heart. Weird, unfamiliar, strange feelings were appearing, each one occupying a different place in my heart. Even though my mind couldn't decipher why they were there and their meanings, they continued to settle there, as if they belonged.

Jiwon and I finally arrived at a small, lonely park. Its entrance was an old, rusty iron gate and lion statues on each side.

Nevertheless, it was beautiful in a simple manner, especially in the winter. There was a small, frozen pond with ice so smooth and slippery it sparkled, blankets and mountains of glittering snow everywhere, large, snow-covered trees, lonely streetlamps that shone dim yellow light and old-fashioned wooden benches.

Jiwon and I wiped off snow off of one of the benches, before planting our butts down on the damp wood. We sat beside each other, close enough to hear one another if we were whispering, but not close enough for any of our body parts to be touching.

"Hey kiddo?" Jiwon asked, his voice creating puffs of fog in the air as he spoke. I turned to him to find he wasn't he even looking at me, but rather at the pond in front of us.

"Yeah, Kimbap?"

"Do you think the world is a bright place?"

"Huh?" I froze because I knew exactly how to answer that question.

No, Jiwon, I don't think the world is a bright place. It's dark and cruel and empty and full of poisonous traps. Anything good that happens is temporary because as quickly as it comes, it goes, whisked away like the wind, leaving behind shattered hearts and broken souls. 

"Do you think the world is a bright place?" He repeated, though by the way he turned to look at me, his eyes full of concern and a hint of sadness, he already knew. He knew what I would say.

"Not...particularly." I replied, slowly, being careful with my words. "I mean, in today's world, so many shadows lurk about, destroying any hint of light. How can the world be bright with so little light left?"

Jiwon looked at me, thoughtfully, analyzing my facial expression as if trying to figure me out.

"You know, kiddo," He started, turning back towards the pond, "I used to think like you. Sometimes I still do. Like today for instance. I kept on messing up during dance practice because I couldn't think straight. I get kinda nostalgic around Valentine's Day. You know how big of a deal it's in the States. It's just one of those days that provokes my desire to see my family again. We actually used to do stuff, you know. Like buy valentines and hand them out in class and my dad, brother and I would go to the florist to pick out flowers for my mom. Such happy, carefree memories."

He said this all so wistfully and it made my heart hurt. Sometimes I felt like I knew Jiwon, but it was moments like these that made me realize I was barely tapping the surface. 

"Hanbin got frustrated with me. I'm sure you've seen Hanbin's anger before. It's scary, right? Not just from him but from anyone. To have words of disappointment and harshness thrown at you no matter how hard you try. I almost cried with frustration because I just couldn't get anything right. I was sure that I would just screw everything up for the rest of the day."

"But then I thought to myself, how would that kind of mindset help me to work harder and perform well? It didn't really add up. Bringing myself down wasn't going to boost me back up. So I thought of my family and how I had to work hard for them and how we could achieve those happy memories in the future one day. And that motivation pushed me to work harder at getting things right. So you see, kiddo, the answer to your question is simple."

He turned to me and looked me dead in the eyes, his intense gaze piercing my soul, as the snowflakes fell around us on that cold Valentine's Day.

"You create your own light."

I took those words to heart, Jiwon. I really, really did.

I tried to infuse light into every situation where I found myself wandering in the dark.

But it's hard to find the light when your heart is pitch black.

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I walked 10k today even though I don't exercise haha.

Tomorrow I'm going to New York and I'm pretty excited!

I planned my outfit to look like Kim Jinhwan's in Osaka heh.

What is everyone's plans for the weekend?

And than you so much for supporting! Love y'all! <3

-Donggu