MID- JANUARY 2015

A smile is a really beautiful thing. I didn't realize it until his grin appeared in my vision, etching itself into my memory and making me wonder just how much beauty that smile contained.

His smile shone brighter than the moon on a dark, lonely night. All of his teeth showed; not necessarily straight and perfect and sure the two front ones were unusually large, but it was charming. It was endearing. It stuck in my mind for days, weeks, months.

And his face when he smiled. God, it was beautiful...his sharply-shaped eyes turned into pleasant lines, his eyebrows raised high on his forehead, his mouth quirked up in the corners, his nose scrunched up in the most adorable fashion. His smile knocked the wind out of me, literally took my breath away and for a few seconds, I forgot how to breathe.

How the hell did he do it? How can someone be so beautiful and exsquisite and seep into the crevices of someone's brain with just one movement of the mouth?

He was Kim Jiwon, that's why. And Kim Jiwon's smile had me tongue-tied and wide-eyed and made my heart beat a million beats per minute.

I've seen Jiwon's smile so many times before, behind the bright, fluorescent screens where he was acting like a dork on Mix & Match or smiling during a performance. The effect wasn't so influential because after all, there was a screen and a camera lens seperating me and him. His smile was special but it didn't really stick in my mind.

And then I saw it in real life.

It's amazing how much a camera dilutes the beauty of one's grin ,because seeing him in the flesh, his smile radiant like the sun shining down and warming the Earth (or in this case, my face) it was like someone had removed all of the oxygen in my body. Its beauty was hard to explain, hard to comprehend. 

But a smile wasn't supposed to be understood; it was supposed to be admired. And that's exactly what I did the first time that smile graced my vision; admired.

The first time I witnessed it was on a cold winter's night, in the back of an old convenience store. Such a strange place for a story to commence, but beginnings were unpredictable and usually popped out of thin air.

Jiwon didn't literally pop out of thin air; he swerved into the aisle I was in, his face concentrated as if thinking really hard.

At first, I thought nothing of his appearance. I was shocked for about two minutes but moved on because after all, just like the rest of us, Kim Jiwon was human. He had snack cravings even at 11:00 p.m at night, just like the average teenage boy.

Jiwon was a lot taller in person than I expected, and it made his presence seem more...substantial, as if every step and movement he made mattered. He wore black sweatpants and a black jacket and his floppy black hair was tousled and messed up, little tufts springing up like flowers on his head. His chin was covered by a mouthmask and he wore glasses but he was undeniably, Kim Jiwon.

Technically, he was Bobby, charismatic rapper, talented composer, astounding performer, prodigy of YG Entertainment. However, it was hard to see him like that, when he had his face pressed up against the ice cream freezer, like a little boy at a zoo.

He had moved his face back and forth, smearing his cheeks all over the glass and mostly likely going to end up with freezer burn if he didn't find what he needed...quickly.  I stood there, trying to find my own ice cream and occasionally glancing over at him, but mostly ignoring him. He probably didn't want the extra attention and I respected his privacy.

All I could hear for the next few minutes was the sound of Jiwon's cheeks against glass and the hum of the freezers. I knew what ice cream I wanted ; banana popsicles but for some reason I couldn't move. I was glued to my spot, not even able to move an inch. My heart was thumping in my chest, vigorously, so fast and so hard, I feared I would pass out.

From the corner of my eye, I could see Jiwon staring at me, his head tilted as if staring a chemical equation. He took one step towards me, then another and another, slowly, deliberately taking his time, while I stood there my hands trembling and my knees shaking.

The sad thing is that it wasn't even Jiwon that was causing these anxious feelings to rise. This was my reaction with anyone in general; whenever any person came near in an attempt to interact, these bubbling feelings of doubt and fear started rising up to the surface.

As he drew closer, I sensed every inch of his presence. I could smell his musky cologne, see his shadow looming near, hear his sneakers hit the tile flooring, each step getting louder and louder.

Finally, once he had entered my bubble of personal space, his 5'8 height towering over my solely 5 feet height, his breathing pattern ruffling the hairs on my head, he tapped me on the shoulder, lightly and gently but firm enough so that I felt the presence of his fingers against the fabric of my sweater. 

"Excuse me, but could you possibly help me find Choco-cones?"

His voice was low and husky and had a certain edge to it; the edge he used to rap so well. It sent a collision of chills down my spine and I shuddered, causing for an expression of concern to grace his features.

"Are you cold? Do you want my jacket? It's really warm and puffy." He said, his voice sweet and kind and genuinely concerned about my well-being.. He started ping his jacket, and that's when my body decided to melt out of its previously frozen state.

"NO!" I yelled, a little too loudly, turning to him so quickly I almost bumped into him and fell down. I hadn't realized that he was that close in proximity to me.

"My jacket's really warm. Don't worry about it. Really. Do. Not. Worry. About it." I said, emphasizing the last sentence staring at his half-zipped jacket. He was actually serious about giving me his jacket on this freezing cold winter night and that made me half-want to hug him and half- want to slap him for being so crazy.

"Are you sure?" He asked, inspecting my jacket to ensure I was warm enough. I nodded, looking up at him.

'Yeah, I'm sure."

Have you ever had all of the air in your body suddenly escape you, leaving you completely breathless? So little oxygen, your brain couldn't even function properly?

That's exactly what happened the first time my eyes landed on Kim Jiwon's face, in real life. The camera really did not do him justice.

His pale, milky-white skin seemed to glow even in the brightly-lit store and its sheer flawlessness complimented his facial features; dark, sharply-angled eyes, long sloping nose, perfectly-shaped lips, sharp, firm jawline. His two front teeth were slightly larger than the average person's however, it suited him very well and made him look like an adorable human sized bunny. 

I stared at him, my eyes wide, my mouth gaping open, completely frozen. So many thoughts were running through my barely-functioning mind, the most common one being "Holy , how are you so goddamn beautiful?"

He stared down at me, his eyes still somewhat worrisome, but nodded anyways.

"Well...okay then..."He said, uneasily, his eyes still scanning over the design of my jacket. He cleared his throat, as if getting down to business.

"I was just wondering if you knew where the choco-cones are?"

Not only knew where they were, I also knew which brand was best and the prices of each brand. I commonly came to this convenience store right after studying at the  library, so often that I practically memorized each aspect of the store. The employees even knew me by name.

"What kind of choco-cone? There's triple chocolate, plain chocolate and vanilla-chocolate swirl. They also come in the small and medium pack and some are sweeter than the others depending on the brand, though I highly recommend the cheaper ones because usually they have a pretty decent taste for a good price." I said, opening the freezer and looking through the different types of choco-cones.

Jiwon looked slightly taken aback at my knowledge of choco-cone shopping. "Wow, I didn't think it would be this complicated." He said, tapping his chin and looking up at the ceiling for help." If you were an 18 year-old boy that is slightly stressed and frustrated due to an exhausting dance practice that will be going on until 3am, which choco-cone would you want?"

Hanbin. Also know as B.I, he was the charismatic leader of iKON, the group Jiwon was going to debut in soon. He was a musical genius; quality music composition and lyrics flowed out of him like a waterfall. He was only two years older than I was, which I found astonishing.

Hanbin was known for his love of choco-cones which was how I deduced that he must have been the culprit and cause of Jiwon's late-night choco-cone quest. Reaching into the freezer,I grabbed the Medium pack triple chocolate choco-cones and handed it to him.

"Lots of sugar will keep you up, though you'll most likely end up crashing later on." I warned Jiwon, shutting the ice cream freezer. "You'll have 500% blood sugar right after eating those babies."

"He hasn't had sugar since Seo Taiji and the Boys debuted. I think 500% blood sugar will be a good thing for him." Jiwon commented, inspecting the box before placing it into his shopping basket. 

He turned to me, his eyebrows raised high up his forehead, so high I feared they would fly off.

"You helped me out. Do you want something? There must be some reason you're here at 11:00 p.m." He leaned down, his face drawing closer to mine, causing for me to take a step back. "How old are you, anyways?"

"I'm 16 turning 17 in September. Old enough to be picking up banana popsicles after a study session at the library."

"16? And you're here this late? Yah how often do you do this?"

"When I need to study. They let me stay until after closing and kick me out when all of the employees leave."

"That's dangerous, you know."

"I take a bus to the library. Relax."

"How can I relax when there's a 16 year old girl out this late at night?!"

Jiwon's face was even more full of concern than when he thought I was cold,staring at me as if he were staring a reflection of himself in a mirror. Lifting up his arm, his hand landed on the top of my head, ruffling my hair, lightly. 

My eyes widened, sensing the presence of his hand on my head. So often, people ruffled my hair due to my unfortunately short height and I felt annoyed everytime. But this was Jiwon and when he ruffled my hair, it had a sense of comfort to it.

"Yah, kiddo don't work too hard, okay? Rest, enjoy life, be happy."He said, somewhat wistfully, as if talking to himself.

"What about you? You're dancing until 3 a.m in the morning." I retorted, though my heart felt somewhat heavy at Jiwon's tone of the voice. I had never heard someone sound so hopeful at the idea of resting and happiness. The life of a trainee was a struggle, even for someone like Jiwon who had already accomplished many feats, such as winning Show Me The Money 3, featuring in "Come Here", "Born Hater", and "I'm Different" and performing at MAMA 2014, not to mention being named GQ Korea Man of the Year 2014. He was still a trainee, dreaming of the moment he debuted and was considered an idol. The dream was right in front of his face, mere inches in proximity, yet no matter how far Jiwon reached for it, it would always be just at the tips of his fingers.

And that aching, longing, almost unattainable desire made my chest hurt. At the sheer reality of Jiwon endlessly working hard, probably exhausted every second of the day, struggling to meet his goal. 

I must have looked really sad, because Jiwon leaned down so that we were face-to-face, and lightly, flicked my forehead.

"Hey Kiddo don't look so sad. I have to work hard to pursue my dreams. I don't really have a choice. I'll rest plenty when I've reached that almost impossible place but for now I'm doing what I have to do. Besides, it's not that tiring; I'm doing what I love. So smile for me, okay?"

But how can I smile when the person in front of me has suffered so much? I didn't know him at all and he didn't know me; heck he didn't even my name, yet I still felt remorse for him and all of the hurts and heartaches he had to go through just to get here. And what would happen after he debuted? He would just get busier, more exhausted.

"Smile. Smile. Smiiiiiiillllllllleeeeeee." Jiwon repeated over and over again his voice high and cheeky, in an attempt to get me to smile.

And then he did it. The Number One thing I loved about him.

He smiled.

The corners of his mouth quirked up, revealing the world's most beautiful grin. His buckteeth took up most of the space yet I found it completely charming. His eyes disappeared, turning into adorable lines on his face and his nose scrunched up, like a sneezing bunny rabbit. 

In that one moment, the moment Jiwon's smile took over his already handsome face, it was if time completely stopped. No longer could I hear the hum of the ice cream freezers, or see the brightness of the blaring ceiling lights or feel the tiled flooring beneath my feet. All I could see and hear and feel was Kim Jiwon; his face mere inches from mine, so close I could smell the minty freshness and feel his tiny puffs of breath against my face. 

I was captivated, completely and utterly captivated by the phenomenon that was Kim Jiwon's smile. In that moment, that grin printed itself into my memory, forever.

"See?" He said, pointing at his wide, bright smile. "Smile!"

Before I could even catch myself, I felt my cheeks lift up and my mouth quirk up, and unconsciously I couldn't help but smile at the beautiful boy in front of me. 

Jiwon's smile stretched wider, if that was even humanly possible.

"Hey look you're smiling!" He exclaimed, jumping up from excitement. As his face drew away from mine, time started once again. The sound of the humming freezers poured into my ears, the bright lights entered my vision, the floor appeared beneath my feet. Yet, my heart was still pounding from witnessing Jiwon's smile.

Jiwon reached into the freezer, grabbing a box of banana popsicles and dropping it into his shopping basket.

"C'mon, I'll walk you home before returning back, okay kiddo?"

He ruffled my hair once again, and I looked up at him. His grin shone like the sun in the dark universe, even in this brightly-lit store. 

I silently nodded, at a loss of words upon seeing that smile once again. Jiwon purchased the two types of ice cream, before we both left the subtle warmth of the store and entered the harsh, biting cold of the winter air.

"Aish, winter nights are so cold, aren't they?" He asked covering his mouth with his mouth mask, as the snowflakes slowly floated through the sky. It was a dark starless night and only the dim street lights led the way. 

The whole street was completely empty, only a few cars were parked but that was it. The thick blankets of snow sparkled under the soft lights and it was nights like these that made me appreciate winter even if it was minus 50 degrees.

"Cold, but it's a nice feeling to walk on pretty nights like these." I said, as my boots crunched through the icy layers of snow. It had snowed so much that there were tall mountains of it appearing along our path.

We walked alongside one another for the next few minutes in complete, yet comfortable silence.

"Yah, shouldn't you get back right now? I really don't live that far away. I'll be okay." I said, checking my watch. It read 11:30 p.m.

"It's unsafe for anyone to be walking alone, at this time.  The guys won't mind; I'll just say I took a really long bathroom break. They'll understand."

At the time, I couldn't understand why Jiwon cared for me so much. Me, a mere stranger he had just met a few minutes ago and didn't even know the name of. For all he knew, I could have been a serial killer.

It wasn't until we reached the front porch of my house that I realized that it was just him. He was naturally kind, naturally cared deeply for others, naturally wanted others around him to feel safe and comfortable and happy. He did whatever he needed to brighten someone's day or ensure they were okay.

And I think that was the first aspect that made me fall in love with him.

"Take care of yourself, alright, kiddo?" Jiwon asked, ruffling my hair one last time. Reaching into his shopping bag, he handed me the box of banana popsicles.

I looked up at him, my eyes wide. I completely forgot that Jiwon paid for my banana popsicles."Jiwon-sshi ,you didn't have-"

"You're old enough to be picking up banana popsicles this late at night right?' He cut me off, repeating the line I had said before, as if trying to distract me from the fact that he bought them."Yet it's dangerous, you know."

"You don't even know me." I retorted, lifting up an eyebrow, clutching tightly onto the banana popsicles. I knew that I could take care of myself; what did Kim Jiwon know?

"Yet you know me, right?" Jiwon asked, mirroring the action I did before. "You just called me by my name."

I replayed the previous events in my head, before silently cursing under my breath after realizing I really did just call him by his name. I wasn't sure why, but for some reason I didn't want him to know that I was a fan. It just made everything seem less genuine, as if everything I did was solely because he was famous.

"So I should know your name." He continued. I looked up at him, surprised. He didn't seem to care that I was a fan and the ulterior motives that came with the title. He genuinely wanted to know the name behind my face.

He raised his eyebrows. "I'm Kim Jiwon. What's your name?"

I bit my lip, contemplating between making up a fake name or telling him my real name. 

"Emmy." I finally said, going with the latter. After all, at the time, I believed we were to never meet again. "Emmy Park."

Jiwon looked a bit confused at my American-sounding name but made no comment on it.

"Emmy." He repeated, nodding as if thinking about it. "It's cute."

"Yah," I said, punching him, lightly in the shoulder from embarassment. Compliments of any kind made me uncomfortable. "Your name is cute too, Kimbap!"

"You know about that?" Jiwon groaned, scrunching his face up at his embarassing nickname. He shook his head, before laughing, his loud laugh echoing through the streets.

Suddenly, a light from the house across from us and a window snapped open. An ahjumma stuck her head out of it, shaking her fist.

"WHOEVER'S LAUGHING, SHUT UP!" She screeched, her voice resembling a pterodactyl, before shutting the window forcefully.

Jiwon and I turned to each other, our eyes wide in shock from the incident we just witnessed. Before we knew it, we both burst into complete and utter laughter. Jiwon fell down on my porch, clutching his stomach while I started crying, my face red from the lack of oxygen in my lungs from laughing so hard.

"Did...you...hear...her?" I struggled to pronounce, in between laughs. My stomach was starting to ache, yet it was the happy kind of ache, if that made any sense.

"I...thought...she was...a...dinosaur!" Jiwon said, each word out of breath from laughing so hard. After a few minutes, of pure, sheer, enjoyable laughter, the two of us finally settled down, breathing in large gulps of air, trying to regain our breaths.

I checked my watch. The numbers 11:45 blinked back at me.

I showed it to Jiwon who cursed silently.

"Say isn't it a bit far to come here for ice cream?" I asked him. "I mean, the YG building is in the city isn't it?"

"Yeah but this is Hanbin's favourite place. Plus, I get a nice,long break from the bus ride." He grinned cheekily.

"I better get going before Manager-hyung realizes I've disappeared!" He exclaimed, jumping off my porch. "I'll see ya, around Kiddo!"

He gave me one last Jiwon-smile, before jogging away into the dark night.

After that one night, Jiwon's smile appeared everywhere I went; in my dreams and at the coffee shop and at school and when I was hanging at with my best friends, Jinnie and Hani. I couldn't get Kim Jiwon's beautiful smile out of my head, and it drove me crazy.

It was your smile that first reeled me in. That completely enchanting and wonderful smile.

Little did I know, that smile would leave a mark on me, forever.

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I haven't looked over this chapter in a long time so bear with me. I probably need to do a bit more editing but I think it's okay for now.

Please comment and subscribe! Or be a ghost reader. Ot not read this at all. HEH.

-Donggu