That night when me and Luhan was eating dinner together at my house, I remembered the promise he’d made me earlier that morning, about telling me the about why his relationship with his brother was like it was.

I decided to be gentle about it, since it seemed like a sensitive subject, but I had a hard time finding an opening. That was the case at least until Lujian himself created it for me.

Luhan’s phone chimed during our conversation by the table and with one quick glance, Luhan’s expression changed to one of peace to the one he always wore when his brother was around. Sour and cautious.

“Who was it?” I asked, clearly already knowing, as he ignored the text.

“My brother.” Luhan sighed “he wanted to know when I’d be home.”

“And you aren’t going to tell him?” I asked to which Luhan shook his head. There was a short silence during which I debated with myself weather it was time for me to ask or not, in the end, I went for it.

“So, are you keeping your promise of telling me what’s up with you and him?” I asked to which Luhan looked at me for a long while before answering.

“Yes, I did promise you.” He sighed, putting his chopsticks away.  I mimicked him, not wanting to eat when he obviously wanted to tell me something important.

“Where to start…” Luhan said to himself, thinking “Me and Lujian… we weren’t always like we are today.” He said “When we were younger, we were the best of friends, always playing and having fun, even though four years separates us.” He seemed to enjoy the memories from that time because I could see a thin smile on his lips, and  I was sure he didn’t even notice that he was smiling himself.

“But then Lujian moved to a school in France for two years when I was eight, and we kind of… lost contact during those years. And then when Lujian returned, he had changed so much.” Luhan looked off in to thin air, as if seeing the story play out in the air before him. “He wasn’t only different on the outside, but he had changed on the inside too. Before, he had been sweet and loving, but when he came back from France, he was more like the Lujian he is today.”

“He troubled mother and father a great deal, always making a ruckus wherever they took him, so finally, they sent him off to yet another school, Japan this time, to get him out of their way. During the time he studied in Japan, he visited rarely. On Christmas and during summer sometimes. He was always there for my birthday, too.” Luhan sighed and then continued, looking to me instead of staring out in to the air.

“I still liked him back then. Yeah, he was not the same brother he’d been when we were younger, but I could still tell he genuinely cared about me and loved me above anyone else in my environment, and I loved him back.” His eyes that had been faraway and a little fond up until then suddenly changed, thunderclouds appearing in them.

“But then it changed last year, when I was still living in America.” Luhan stopped here and looked to me.

“You remember me telling you about the guy I got caught kissing back there, right?” Luhan asked.

“The one there’s photos of?” I asked, remembering Luhan telling me that there’d been some photos leaked in school from his time in America with some guy living over there.

“Yes, his name’s Adam.” Luhan said, wincing slightly at the name “To tell you the truth, I had a huge crush on him back then, but I didn’t dare talk to him since I was shy. Still am.”

Something burned in me when Luhan told me that he’d had a crush on someone in America, but I quickly ignored it. He had had a life before I met him and I couldn’t feel angry about something neither him nor me could do anything about.

“Anyway, one thing led to another and one day, me and Adam got together.” Luhan said “Apparently, he’d been interested in me too, so we decided to date.” Once again, I felt the burning inside of me, and once again, I ignored it.

“This was around the time when my brother had just told my parent’s that he was bi and they didn’t want anything to do with him.” Luhan continued, oblivious about me being on fire in front him “I guess he was angry or something, not precisely at me, but the feelings kind of got spilled over me. Lujian found out about me and Adam and since he didn’t want me to be happier than him, having both the good grace of our parents and being in the same kind of relationship that my parent’s had started hating him for. I guess he couldn’t see me having the best of both worlds and to make a long story short, he stole Adam away from me.”

“When you say stole,” I said “do you mean like… seducing him?”

“Exactly.” Luhan said “I was devastated, not only because of my brother’s and Adam’s betrayal, but also because I knew Lujian would only throw Adam away as quickly as he took him, and I couldn’t bear the thought of seeing Adam as miserable as me, so I left.”

“And came to Korea.” I filled in to which Luhan nodded.

“Ever since then,” Luhan said “I’ve been hating my brother, being cautious whenever he meets any of my friends, worried that he will somehow find a way to take them away from me, too.”

“But I would never!” I exclaimed.

“Maybe not,” Luhan said “but once is enough for me to always stay on my guard. He tried to scare Sehun away in the beginning of our friendship, but Sehun stayed and after a while, Lujian left him alone. I would’ve hoped you wouldn’t have to go through what he did.”

“What did he have to go through, then?” I inquired, curious.

“Lujian tried scaring him, and then he tried to make it hard for us to meet so Sehun would get used to not having me around and he also stalked him some, wanting to make me even more unattractive as a friend since I had a psycho brother who would follow in my shadow.”

“But he stood through it.” I said as a fact.

“Yes, and therefore, I’m worried that Lujian won’t do the same with you, but something worse, a plan that will be bulletproof.”

“And all this to make your life miserable?” I asked, baffled at his brother’s disgusting actions.

“Yes.” Luhan said “He can’t stand it that I’m more happy than him, that my parents love me and that I’ll probably be the one who’ll inherit the family business since they kind of hate him.”

“And they hate him because of his uality?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“But then why doesn’t Lujian just tell your parents that you don’t even like girls at all, that he at least likes both?” I asked, finding a plot hole “I mean, he even have photo evidence of your uality, so it wouldn’t be that hard to convince them.”

At photo evidence, I realized that now, not only did photos of him and Adam swim around on the internet, but also pictures of him and me. Somehow, that made me happy, even though it shouldn’t. It felt good that Adam didn’t have something that I didn’t, that even though he may have kissed Luhan before I had, we still was on the same page when it came to how public we were. And besides, I had done more than innocently kissing Luhan.

“I-“ Luhan said, at a loss for words “That’s a good question.” He looked like he was thinking hard, and then talked again “I guess it’s because he would like to have some kind of leverage over me, if he ever needed it. Maybe he thinks that if I do end up with the company, he can black mail me in to giving it over to him, or else he’ll tell my parents the truth.”

That didn’t seem that unreasonable, so I nodded. But there was still something completely irrational in my mind that was telling me that Luhan didn’t know the whole truth, and since he didn’t know everything, neither did I.



The next day came along sooner or later and in some way, Luhan managed to make his brother leave us completely alone, neither following us to school or from it. We made sure to hang out at my house again, only this time there were no stalker girls outside. The news of my video had spread like wildfire all over school and probably to our neighboring schools too, because for the whole day in school, people were obviously trying not to look at us at all, even though they failed. And barely any new tweets had appeared under the hashtag, besides references to the video I’d released.

My mother was home when me and Luhan got to the house and she invited us for a snack at the table which turned out to be so much more than simply a snack. She had put forward not only light things such as small sandwiches and fruit, but also all kinds of luxurious pastries and beautiful soups.

“It looks wonderful, Mrs. Zhang.” Luhan smiled, looking like an angel in not only my mother’s eyes but mine, too.

“Oh, it’s nothing!” She said, which I knew wasn’t true. She’d been devastated the day before since she and dad had completely missed Luhan and had begged me to bring him over again so that the two of them didn’t look bad, not having been there as his host and hostesses.

My mother disappeared quickly after showing us the food, needing to handle some bills on the computer, so me and Luhan got to eat alone.

“This is rare for her to do.” I told Luhan who looked surprised.

“It is?” Luhan asked “But she seemed so natural about it.”  

“I think she feels bad since she wasn’t here yesterday when you visited, even though she had told me to invite you. She probably feels guilty for making you eat reheated food.”

“But you ate reheated food, too.” Luhan said “and besides, it was a great meal either way.”

“Well, I can’t explain to you how my mother works.” I said, smiling.

Luhan didn’t stay for that long that afternoon, and since both of us had to study, there wasn’t much time for making out. And besides, I didn’t want my parents to hear us, either, or find us half . I couldn’t tell what would be worse.

But I never felt bored when I was with Luhan, so it was fine. We still sat close together, kissing from time to time and just enjoying each other’s company as we studied, both of us having tests the day after.

Luhan didn’t stay for dinner, telling me that he’d struck a deal with his brother so that he would leave us alone.

“He wants to take me out eating so I told him that if he left us alone for a while, I would go with him.”

“And I guess it worked, then.” I said as we walked towards his house, me insisting on following him there. “I haven’t seen him for the whole day.”

“Yeah, but I don’t think he will keep away for long, so you need to be ready for it.” Luhan said.

“I’m ready for your brother.” I said, smiling. It sounded ridiculous but it seemed to make Luhan calmer so then it was worth sounding a bit strange.



Once I’d dropped off Luhan, I didn’t return home straight away. Instead, I walked to the library.

I had rarely been in the public library in our neighborhood so it was strange for me to be there, but I had some research that had to be done, research that I desperately needed.

I knew the title of the book, as well as the author, but since I didn’t dare to ask for help in finding it, worried what kind of looks I would get from the staff of the library. Instead, I tried finding it by myself, looking from section to section until I found the one place I should’ve gone to first.

‘Relationships and ’ a big sign read and I glanced both ways, making sure no one was following me or was happening to see me, and then walked down the aisle, searching and searching.

Surprisingly, the library had several copies of the book I was searching for and it made me wonder how many people out there were interested in the workings of gay . Was it really that many people who wanted the real facts about it, and not only something people wrote on the internet? I had never even met anyone gay before Luhan, so it seemed strange that the library needed that many copies. Or at least, I didn’t think I had.

I found myself picking one of the many copies off the shelf and fortunately, the book looked harmless. I had expected there to be some explicit pictures on the front, or big flashy text, announcing to the world that you were reading ‘ between males – all you need to know’. Instead, it was of a sky blue color with small writing over it, announcing the title. And then, in the middle of the book cover, there was a flower of some sort, also all in white, with the authors name written under it. If I hadn’t bothered reading the title, I would’ve thought I was checking out some kind of book that told me about all of the different species of flowers.

Before going for the check out, I had to take a few deep breaths. I knew that I couldn’t get through this last part without having someone else besides me knowing what kind of book I was borrowing since the staff member by the desk needed to scan the book for me so that I could take it with me home.

After I had calmed myself down, I marched out of the aisle and walked toward the check out desk with confidence. I could see that there were an older woman standing behind it, probably a few years older than my mother, and I was happy that at least it wasn’t a younger person, since they might actually know who I was.

It was irrational for me to even worry about these kinds of things since it was well known that me and Luhan was a couple, and everyone knew what couples did when they were alone. But I still felt a little embarrassed, needing to borrow a book to know how it all worked. In school, we had only learnt about straight-, the word gay had only simply been glanced over, only explaining what the word meant and nothing more.

I wasn’t completely in the dark, I knew technically how it worked, but I also knew that there were a lot of things I didn’t even have a possibility of knowing. Personally, I thought it to be impossible to even fit something of that size in to such a small hole, but it did, and people enjoyed it, so there must be some kind of trick. And that’s exactly what I wanted this book to teach me.

So I walked up to the lady and handed her the book, ice in my gut as she glanced at it.

“I would like to borrow this.” I told her. I expected her to look at me weird or laugh at that, I was prepared for it, but she didn’t do anything of that kind. She simply nodded and scanned the book in to her computer.

“I need your ID-numbers and phone number.” She said, and I told her as she typed them in to the computer. After she was done, a small receipt came out of a small machine and she put it on the book, handing me it.

“Do you maybe have… a bag or something?” I asked, not wanting to walk in to my house with this kind of book in my hands. I didn’t want my parents to have a heart attack.

The lady searched under her desk and brought out a brown paper bag which I gratefully accepted.

“Thank you.” I said, putting my book in the bag and hurrying out of the library. My heart was beating like crazy once I got outside and I could barely believe that I was holding the last key on my part to me and Luhan becoming… something new. In a way, if me and Luhan slept together, both of us would lose some kind of ity. He had never done anything like it before, and it would be my first time with a guy, so in a way, we were both on the same page.

I walked home quickly and once I got inside, I hurried up to my room to leave the book, even though my mother had told me that dinner was ready once I’d step in to the house. I safely put it in the desk next to my bed, burrowing it in papers so that nobody would be able to find it. Then, I went down the stairs to eat with my family, pretending that the book didn’t even exist.



Later that night, I completely ditched my normal studies for school. I had studied with Luhan previously anyway and I thought I knew as much as you could. I convinced myself that I needed to get my mind on other things to do better on my test the next day, but that was far from the truth. In reality, I was just too damn curious about the book I had borrowed and I couldn’t concentrate on anything else. In a way, maybe reading the book would make me not as curious anymore and therefore, I would actually have more focus during the test since I didn’t need to wonder anymore.

I at least waited until I heard my parents turn off the TV and head off to bed, just to be certain that they didn’t come in to my room and started asking about the book that I was reading. How would I even explain such a thing without telling them that I wanted to try sleeping with a guy? No, that was out of the question.

So when I finally was certain that my parents wouldn’t come in to my room, I hastily pulled the book out from its hiding place, staring it down before deciding to open it up.

The first page was an content page, telling the reader about the different chapters and such. I quickly read through them, just to see which seemed relevant.

1. Introductions
5 - 8
2. The differences between girls and boys
9 - 18
3. Preparations
19 - 31
4.  
32 - 50
5. Aftermath
51 - 62
6. Tips and tricks
63 - 70
7. Having fun!
70 - 83
8. Outro
83 – 90
9. Index
90 – 102

To me, everything seemed like things I needed to read and memorize and with a quick brows through the book, I found that there were different ‘sub titles’ for chapters, for example, in chapter 3, there were smaller titles such as: Preparations alone, Preparations in a pair, , Necessities.

It all seemed very strange to me and I was shocked as I began reading, realizing how much stuff I really didn’t know. There were things I was aware off, for example in chapter 2, they talked about guys having a pleasure spot up the whilst girl’s didn’t and also that when two guys did it, you needed to have lube or something similar to help it go smoothly since boys’ bodies couldn’t create anything similar like it themselves, like girls’ bodies could.

But at the same time, there were things I hadn’t even heard of, things such as how preparations for someone who was a and was going to be the one getting to experience for the first time. Apparently, they needed to get used to having things up there for a couple of days in advance. That meant that if I wanted to sleep with Luhan, I needed to be patient as , holding myself back as I got him used to it. And that didn’t mean holding back for a few minutes, no, I needed to hold it all inside for a couple of days! The book told me that the butthole needed to be properly stretched out during different times if it was the first time, otherwise, you could hurt yourself or the one you were sleeping with in ripping them down there.

Ripping Luhan didn’t seem that pleasant so I decided that I would be the most patient person in the whole world if that was what was needed. I’d do anything if it meant that he didn’t have to go through any pain. The book reassured me that such careful preparations only was needed the first time and after that, preparing only needed to happen once before .

The book warned me that there would be pain, though, weather you stretched or not. It was the same time for girls their first time, for most of them, it hurt. It wasn’t like every human being was the same, though, and some did only feel pleasure, but the book just wanted to warn beforehand so that the reader would think it unusual for themselves or their partner to feel uncomfortable.

I managed finishing chapter 4 before going to bed, my mind filled with so much new information that I couldn’t even begin to figure it all out. I decided that I would continue reading the book the next night and then read it over again and again until everything was carved in to my mind. I desperately needed this to be a good experience for both me and Luhan when the time came, and if I were to interpret the progress we’d already made, such a thing might not be that far away.

My whole body was tingling at the thought and images of me and Luhan doing the kind of things the book described started popping up in to my mind. They started mixing together with the scenes I’d seen on TV or experienced myself and somehow, they came together like a complete video in my head, sound and all. I felt a little creepy thinking such things, but at the same time, who could blame me after what we’d done the day before in the same bed I was laying in right then?

If I concentrated, I could still smell Luhan on my sheets,  a sense that I had learned to recognize without even trying. I wanted to swim in it, bath my body in mind in it, until there was just a bundle of Luhan and me both together.

A part of me wanted to call Luhan up right then and start with the preparations the book had taught me about, but I remembered myself that I needed to be patient . I may be ready to go, but Luhan still hadn’t confirmed that he was even ready for such a thing. He’d told me that he was fine with me taking his ity, and we’d also made out, but that didn’t equal him wanting me to him. That only meant that he liked touching me and that he’d be okay with me sometime in the future sleeping with him, when that would happen it didn’t specify.

And that simple fact was already driving me mad.





A/N

Hi again! So here's the new chapter! ^^ I know it wasn't uploaded as fast as chapter 11 was, but I hope you are okay with that anyway! ^^ (I'm on holliday after all~)

I'm trying to figure out for how much longer I'm going to write this fic! (Don't worry, I'll write a satisfying ending and all, I would NEVER just drop a story I had started, that's just cruel!!) I don't believe this fic will be anly longer than 20 chapters, but I don't know! My goal is to at least finish this story before August 19th (That's when I'll have to go back to school!) and we'll see how many chapters I'll be able to write before that! (Or even if I'll have reached an ending by then, if not, I'll have to continue on even if I have school, which would be stressfull since it's my senior year! XD)

Anyway, I hoped you liked this chapter! Leave me a comment if you'd like, I love reading them! ^^ And if you enjoy my story, I wouldn't say no to an upvote, either! :P

I'll post the next chapter within a week, so look forward to it! Bye! :D