Chapter 3 – Reminiscences

HER

I looked at the pile of wood in front of me that I had just transformed into service-worthy furniture with a satisfied smile. It had been about a week since I’d moved in and finally, this place was starting to look like a home. Since I didn’t have a car, I’d ordered a lot of things online, and today, the last thing – an enormous, stylish-looking bookshelf – had arrived and I’d just spent the last 2 hours putting it together. Finally I could get rid of the last few boxes of books that cluttered the tiny room, so I got to work placing all of my old books and knick-knacks in my shiny, newly standing piece of art.

I took a step back, admiring my work and smiled. Not bad. I spotted my old diary again amongst the various novels, and debated what I should do with it. I probably shouldn’t leave it in there, in case people visiting decided to get curious… so I took it out and brought it over with me to the couch. I sat down and opened it again, at the page with the photo that had fallen out. I put the picture aside on the coffee table, picked an entry at random and read a few lines.

April 6^th, 2008

It’s already been a few days since Min Seok went to Seoul for that SM competition and I already miss him so much!!! This is ridiculous though… What am I gonna do when I go to England if I can’t even bear to spend a few days apart?!? Ahhh….

April 8^th, 2008

Omg I have such good news!! Min Seok called today to tell me about his audition! He said he got second place! Wohoo!! I thought he would be sad because he didn’t win, but apparently they liked him so much that they’re taking him on as a trainee!! Isn’t that great?! Maybe he could be in the next DBSK! *squeal* hahaha…

I smiled, remembering the feeling and flipped a few more pages.

April 22^nd, 2008

My Minsoekie is baaaaaack!!! *happy dance* ooh, but how I missed him. He’s only back for the weekend though and then he has to go back… T_T I really can’t believe he is really gonna be with SM Entertainment from now on. It feels so strange. He’s been telling me all these things about how he spends his days practicing singing and dancing, and this other group of guys he’s been training with. It sounds like fun. He looks really excited. ^_^ I’m glad this is working out for him…

May 5^th, 2008

I got my letter of confirmation for my residence in England. I’m so excited!! This feels so much more real now! I have to start packing!! Lol. Though I don’t leave for another 3 months, mom is already making me pack all my crap *groan*…

May 18^th, 2008

Min Seok came over for the weekend!! So happy!! I know we talk on the phone every day, but it’s so much better when he’s here next to me… we went to the park and the weather was so nice and it was just like old times… oh, and he bought this polaroid camera and we took some pictures! ^_^ he said he wanted to make some memories before I go to England. He said he was missing me so much! <3

May 29^th, 2008

Last weekend I went to visit Min Seokie in Seoul! It was great!! He showed me around everywhere and it was so cool! He already seems like a local, haha. I don’t think I could ever live in Seoul, but he was like a fish in the water XP  I met some of his friends too and they look like funny guys. It’s funny, here, Seokie was always the loud, playful one, but over there all his friends are like that!! I guess you have to be that way if you’re going to be an idol…

June 2^nd, 2008

I was talking to Min Seok on the phone today and he was kinda weird. He said he didn’t want me to go to England and became so sad, and then the mood turned so awkward… I tried to tell him that it was gonna be ok, we could run it long-distance, and that he’d be really busy with his training anyways so he wouldn’t have much time to see me either even if I stayed here, but it didn’t seem to cheer him up…

June 10^th, 2008

Min Seok had a day off, finally and came back home. I swear we spent the whole day kissing! Haha… oh, I’m so embarrassed to write this…

June 29^th, 2008

Min Seok has been so busy lately, I haven’t had the chance to see him at all… I miss him…

July 1^st, 2008

As the days to my departure creep closer, I’ve been thinking a lot about where things are going with Min Seok and I… it’s horrible, I don’t wanna think that way, but I do… I’m gonna be gone for a year… maybe 3… is it fair to ask him to wait for me? …

I only read a few lines for each entry. The memories were painful enough as they were without having to relive them in detail… still… I kept on turning pages.

July 9^th, 2008

Min Seok came home for a surprise visit. You think I’d be happy… well I was… but then we were talking and things turned all weird… we talked about England and I said maybe, we should break up when I leave and he got so angry at me…

July 16^th, 2008

Min Seok came home again. We spent the day in the park. Mostly cuddling and not talking. Then he suddenly asked “what if I went to England with you?” and I was just so shocked. Does he really love me so much? Oh I love him too, but…

July 20^th, 2008

He’s been talking about it again. He said if I won’t give up on going, he’ll come with me. I don’t know what to do… I love him so much, and we’ve been together for 3 years, of course I don’t wanna be apart!!! But England is my dream, just like being an idol is HIS dream… I can’t let him give that up for me…

July 23^rd, 2008

Worst day of my life. Seriously, worst day of my life. I told Seokie I didn’t want to see him anymore. He was floored. His big giant eyes got even wider and he told me to stop messing with him. I told him, I didn’t love him anymore and I’d been wanting to keep pretending til I left for England, but I couldn’t stand him being so clingy anymore. His face… oh my god, I can’t… … … Of course it was a lie. He cried and he shouted at me, and I couldn’t look at him in the face. Then I ran off home…

July 28^th, 2008

My eyes are so puffy from crying all the time. Min Seok keeps calling every day and mom keeps asking why I don’t pick up. It’s better this way… if he’d given up his dream for me, I would’ve never forgiven myself.

August 3^rd, 2008

Last entry. Tomorrow I fly to England to my new life. This diary will stay here in Korea. Hopefully, I’ll be able to make a new life over there, mend the pieces of my broken heart and forget Min Seok.

I closed the book quietly. I took a deep breath and blinked away the tears I hadn’t realized had welled up in my eyes. I hadn’t thought about Min Seok in a long time. Hadn’t really allowed myself to remember things. Not like this.

That last entry… Only half that wish had come true. My heart did heal eventually, but I never forgot Min Seok no matter how hard I tried. I picked up the faded picture and tucked it into my bag.

HIM

I was in a taxi, on my way to meet ReAh at a hotel.

After 1 week back in Korea, this was the first time I had enough free time to arrange a meeting with her. She sulked when I asked her to book a hotel room and wait for me there, but there was no way we could go out anywhere in public; not after what had happened to Baekhyun… This was one of the downsides of being an idol. You’re not supposed to date anyone. Not because it’s forbidden, but because your fans won’t let you.

At first you think that your fans love you and so they must just want you to be happy, right? Wrong!! A few months ago, Baekhyun (another member of my group) was caught dating a girl – another celebrity – and it flared up all over the gossip magazines, and everybody was on him. They were not kind to him… and his popularity took a huge drop, but that poor girl… she was harassed incessantly. Some of those things our fans said to her… well, I feel ashamed just thinking about it. So after that we were told to be more careful if we couldn’t keep it in our pants. (manager-hyung’s words, not mine. lol)

Sometimes I wonder why I’m even taking all these chances with ReAh… it’s not like it’s true love or anything. I had true love before, and this is nothing like that. I’ll never have anything like that again. But still. She opened the hotel room door as soon as I knocked and I remembered why. She was absolutely stunning.

“Min Soek-aaahh!!” she exclaimed, throwing herself into my arms and planting a huge kiss on my mouth.

“Wait… wait… let me…” I tried to mumble between the kisses, and I somehow managed to close the door, with my hands full of her, as she pushed me back against it. Yeah, I remembered why I was dating her. I grinned stupidly.

“I missed you baby…” she purred, biting her lip, and I smiled at her.

Then we did what 20-something lovers do when they haven’t seen each other in several weeks and they’re alone in a room with a bed. Afterwards we both took a shower and decided to order some room service.

I hid when the food came, since I didn’t want any trouble, but I saw the person delivering the food and she nearly gave me a heart attack. It couldn’t be… she looked just like… but no. After I recovered, I realized it couldn’t be the same person because she was much too young. Also the nose was slightly off.

“Yah! What are you doing staring at that girl like that?” ReAh scolded me after she’d closed the door.

“What are you talking about??” I asked innocently.

“I saw you!! Don’t lie to me” and I just shrugged, walking over to the table and sitting down. “She just looked like someone I know and I was surprised” I said, unrolling a dishcloth and putting it on my lap.

ReAh gave me a side-eye and came to join me. I knew she was sulking, but that kind of thing doesn’t work on me. Well, ok, it worked a little. “don’t be mad…” I told her, giving her my best puppy look and grabbing her hand as she passed me to go to her seat. She scoffed, but then her eyes soften and she went to sit across from me.

 That girl did look so much like Sora though… it was eerie.

Sora was my ex-girlfriend. The biggest love of my life. We’d dated almost all through high school. She wasn’t girly, but she was pretty in a very feminine way. She was kind and genuinely friendly to everyone. She was always smiling or laughing and was the type of person who can always see the good in everything. I thought she’d be the girl I would marry one day… And then she’d just dumped me. For no reason. I was a wreck for months after that. Ask Luhan, he remembers.

I shook my head, trying to shake off the feelings that had just crept up on me and cleared the rawness out of my throat. I looked up at ReAh and she hadn’t noticed anything. She was eating quietly, reading something on her phone. So I pulled mine out too.