Chapter 16 – I Missed You

HER

I didn’t get to see Minseok for nearly three weeks after that. I was kinda disappointed but he explained that things were just crazy right now, with their promotions for their follow-up song, and all the drama revolving around one of their members leaving the group. He said that paparazzi were following them even more closely than usual these days, so he didn’t want to cause any more waves with an accidental dating scandal, and I said I understood.

On the one hand, I did, and I was totally elated when he’d said ‘dating’ scandal. Was that what we were? Were we dating? We hadn’t even kissed. On the other hand, I was selfishly very sad that our little fairy-tale had been nipped in the bud just as it was starting to bloom. Nevermind that I started growing ever more worried about him with all that drama going on. A third member leaving?! I had to google it since he hadn’t said much about it – just that losing Tao was like losing a little brother – but what I found didn’t really make me feel better about it. Non-stop schedules? Multiple injuries? Unsettled legal arguments? I know you’re not supposed to believe everything you read on the internet, but I kinda freaked out after reading all that. I kept asking him if he was feeling ok, if he was eating and sleeping enough, and if his company was treating him well and he just laughed it off and tell me not to worry so much. One time he even called me, going “See? Do I sound like someone who’s at the article of death?” and laughed and I did feel kind of stupid.

Still, I had my own things to focus on too. It was the end of the semester and we’d had first to make finals, and then assign the finals, and finally grade the finals. I’d stayed at school til 10pm today, grading papers, but finally I’d just gotten fed up and decided to bring the pile home and keep going there, instead of missing the last train and having to sleep at my desk (that had happened once before and it wasn’t an experience I wished to repeat). At least I’d be able to continue in my comfy pajamas.

So that’s what I was doing now, at 12:48am, on my couch, after having just taken a shower, when the text message came.

[I miss you]

I kinda just stared at it dumbfounded for a while, and before I even had time to react, another came right after.

[I wish I could see you]

My heart speeded up in my chest. I hadn’t even heard from Minseok today. I took the phone in my hands and opened the chat window.

[Oh, you’re up?]

The message came before I’d even replied anything and I just had to laugh. I erased what I’d started writing and replied.

[A little eager, aren’t we, Mr. Kim?]

[lol. I guess I should be more patient]

[And yes, I’m up. It’s finals week. Grading papers]

[The super funnest part of being a teacher]  I joked.

[Oh yeah, you told me. I’m sorry I forgot]

[It’s ok. You got your own stuff going on.]

[Crazy busy, right?]

[Yeah…]

I paused, wondering what I should say next, but before I could say anything, he wrote again.

[So do you?]

[Do I what?]

[Wanna see me?]

Why was my heart beating so fast from just a stupid text message conversation?

[Of course I do]

[When?]

[Now?]

Now? I looked at the clock, it was nearly 1am. I was only halfway through the pile of tests I had brought home. Sure I still had one more day until we had to hand them back, but I didn’t want to leave it til the last minute and not be able to finish. Yet I answered, feeling stupidly brave.

[Ok]

HIM

I held in my breath, looking at the small text bubble that said “Ok”. Had she really said yes?! Still, I wasted no time asking her for her address and if I could come over. I knew she might be reluctant, but I explained it was probably the best way to meet, considering my job, and the time of the night.

[I promise to behave] I joked; to which she replied.

[It’s ok. I know where your mom lives. If you misbehave, I’ll just call her.]

And I had to laugh.

I said goodbye and then ran to take a shower. Then I took a stupidly long time picking what to wear, before finally deciding on a pair of ripped-up jeans and loose sweater. She was probably in her PJ’s right now anyways so there was no need to dress up.

Honestly, when I’d mailed her. I’d expected her to be asleep and regretted it right away. And when I’d asked if she wanted to meet, I’d half-expected her to decline, even though I longed for her to say yes. Now I felt like a nervous schoolboy as I hopped in my car and input her address into the GPS.

HER

I opened the door and he stood here, looking at something at the end of the hall before turning to look at me and flashing me a cute toothy smile. It was good that he hadn’t been looking at me that very first second, because I had time to recover from my shock of seeing him stand there, looking kinda disheveled, yet super hot, in an I-just-took-a-shower kinda way. I felt kinda stupid in the old, too big, pink sweats I wore as pajamas, but tried to smile as I opened the door wider to let him in. God, he smelled good, too.

I showed him around the house, though there wasn’t much to see, and then finally we came back to the living room and his eyes fell on the mess of papers scattered on my coffee table and couch, and said “Wow, you weren’t kidding. Are you sure it’s ok for me to take up your time this way?” and looked so sincerely apologetic that I had to smile.

I rushed to clear the papers on the couch, bidding him to sit down, but he remained standing, poking around my bookshelf. I suddenly felt glad I’d put that old diary away.

“Do you want something to drink?” I asked him, “I can make coffee.”

He looked up and nodded his assent with a little smile, so I left him to nose around my book collection, escaping to the kitchen the recollect myself.

HIM

She came back a few moments later and handed me a steaming mug of coffee. I took a sniff before taking a little sip and told her “not bad.”

She rolled her eyes at me and I laughed, though suddenly, something on the bookshelf caught my attention.

“Oh my god, you still have this?!” I exclaimed, plucking a tall, narrow, navy book from the shelf and popping it open, “I haven’t looked at this in years…” I went on, flipping the pages of our high school yearbook and looking at the pictures in wonder.

She peered over my shoulder and giggled, “Look at your hair back then… oh my god it was so bad…”

“What?! You always said it looked good!” I replied with fake offense.

“Ah well, I was young and stupid back then…” she said, lifting her hands up in a shrug, and I stuck my tongue out at her.

I placed the mug on the shelf as I kept looking through the book.

“Oh man, remember this?” I reminisced, looking at pictures from the Sports Day of our senior year.

“Yeah our team won” she grinned at me.

“By two points!”

“You were so mad…”

“And you gloated for days!”

I turned to look at her; her easy laugh and carefree smile; beautiful, even in those silly pajamas and without a trace of makeup on, and it all came back to me. I put the book back in its place on the shelf and sighed.

“Why did you break up with me?”

The little gasp that came from alerted me that I’d voiced my thoughts aloud. I hadn’t meant to actually say it, it had just popped in my head. But I’d wondered that so many times over the years, I turned to her to see if I’d finally get an answer.

“I… I….” she stuttered, voice and hands shaking as she looked down, away from me, “I thought I was doing the right thing… at the time…”

Her voice was barely above a whisper and I knew the question had hurt her, but I needed to know.

“Looking back on it now…” she trailed off, peering up at me to see if that would be enough. It wasn’t.

“Min Seokie…” she whimpered, “why are you bringing that stuff back now??” she added, changing the subject as she tried to regain her composure.

HER

“Don’t you know how crazy it made me?!” he shouted, suddenly, surprising me, “I cried for months!”

I just stood there looking at him, in shock, while he unloaded everything he’d been holding in for the last 5 years. “I waited for you a whole year! I thought you would come back!”

He looked at me with glistening eyes and I had to look away. I couldn’t bear to see him like this, I would start crying too if I didn’t.

“I was miserable, and I loved you so much and you left and I didn’t even know why!”

And now there really were tears streaming down his cheeks and it was as if all the things he’d wanted to say all these years had finally exploded out of him, and now that he’d said them he didn’t know what to hold on to anymore. He looked at me with his enormous puppy eyes, red from anger and tears, and my heart broke all over again.

I took his face in my hands and just looked at him, knowing that whatever I said would never be enough. Then I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and hugged him. Tenderly and fiercely at the same time.

“I’m sorry…” I said, “I’m so sorry…”

There was a long moment where we just stayed like this while he sobbed silently, and then I risked the truth.

“You were gonna quit, Seokie. You didn’t want me to leave and you were gonna quit. I couldn’t let you give that up for me. So I lied. I’m so sorry.”

His shoulders stopped shaking though he didn’t raise his face from the crook of my neck.

“You lied…?” his voice came out weakly, “There was… there was no one else? You still… you still loved me…?”

I unwrapped my arms from him, nodded, and turned away, embarrassed. When I looked up again, he just stood there staring at me.

And then he kissed me.

Violently.

My eyes widened in surprise as his lips crushed against mine; but as his tongue entered my mouth and started battling with mine, all conscious thought left my brain and I found myself kissing him back just as hungrily as he was, raking my fingers through his hair and pulling him closer to me.

We somehow made our way to the couch, and dropped on it without ever breaking contact, and soon we had rolled on to the floor, but none of it mattered, because Minseok was there, in my arms, kissing me. My mouth, my face, my neck… biting my ear and making his way down to my chest while I moaned his name.

I pulled his shirt up over his head and ran my arms over his muscular back as he kept on attacking me with kisses. While this was not exactly the body that I remembered, every piece of it felt so familiar that I just wanted to touch and feel every part of it so that I would never forget.

He came up, panting, and looked at me lying below him, rosy cheeks, eyes sparkling, and uttered, in the iest hoarse whisper that I had ever heard: “I want you.”

I could only nod in response, my breath catching in my throat as he bent back down to kiss me.