22- Suicidal 

The first ting Somin heard when she woke up was a machine beeping nearby. Teet, teet, teet it said, and surprisingly irked her to death. She just wishes to slap that thing and have it quieten down so she could focus on her breathing and heartrate. She wasn’t moving, but her pulse sounded in her ears and felt thumping in her thighs. Something in her head was thumping loudly too, and she wanted to groan, but for some reason no sound was leaving . felt sour and vomitty, almost as if she had swallowed her own vomit, and the rest of her body was tingling. She needed to move in order to get the blood-circullation flowing, and by instinct she opened her eyes.

Everything was white at first- and the light was dazzling her. It hurt, she decided. It hurt like hell, maybe because she hadn’t opened her eyes in a couple of days. The last thing she remembers seeing is the bathroom-wall and sleeping pills falling out of her hands. It feels like that happened only hours ago, but in reality, Somin Jung had been sleeping, quite peacefully when it comes to her emotional state, for three days straight. When she remembers why she took those pills in the first place, she has an urge of throwing up and the pain is back almost instantly. It gets harder to hold a steady breathing, but somehow she manages and scans the room she currently resides in.

It’s a huge square-shaped room, white walls and floor. There in the middle of it, is she laying in a bed with clean and cosy looking sheets around. She notices cables hanging from her hands and two bottles at each side of her bed, and scrunches her nose in confusion. What is this place? Why is she here? What are these capables? And why is there water in those bottles? And that machine. That strange machine. Why is it beeping and drawing lines?

The girl rubs her eyes and stifles a yawn, still looking around. I want to go home, she cries mentally and scans the room for something, someone that can help her out of this awful and depressing place. She wants Mira and Hyung Jun. She wants Haneul and Haera. Where are they? Don’t they know she will start crying any moment? She feels so lonely, so alone. Nobody there to assist her. Nobody there to bring her out of her misery. She wants to go home. To her brother and her sisters. And her mother. Somebody will have to hold her tightly to their chest while she bawls her eyes out. Somebody will have to understand that she is heartbroken. That she needs help. Serious help. Professional help.

And then out of nowhere- as if God had answered her prayers- she spots a figure, a rather large figure hunching over the bed she is currently laying in. It’s a male. A rather scary-looking male. Or it looks so, judging by his dark and dishevelled hair that is tied back in an elastic band and his black attire that’s soaked and is clinging to his body. His hands, rough hands, are gripping her sheets in a painful way and the muscles in his arms are bulging out of place. It seems like his t-shirt is a little too small for his broad chest and muscular neck with veins popping out.

She can’t see his face, and she is thankful he can’t see hers. This man looks dangerous, why is he here? Why is he clutching her blanket as if that’s the only thing giving him life at the moment? Who is he? Why does he look so tense and unwell? Is he sleeping? Oh God who is this enormous man?!

Somin rubs her tingling feet together and continues staring at the stranger. There are tiny droplets of water in his hair, or is that sweat? The skin on his hands is chapped and dry. And his shoulders are moving up and down while he breathes steadily. He is scary, so the girl cringes away. Her pulse started to rise and it feels like her heart is stuck in . She is almost hyperventilating by the thoughts crossing her mind. Who is this? What does he want from me? Is he going to kill me? Where are my friends? I want my brother! Now!

At the same time as her heartbeat quickens, the machine starts beeping loudly, faster. That damn machine! Somin castes a fast glance towards it and looks at the many lines being drawn. What is that machine?! Why is it peeping so loudly! And her heart! What is wrong with her heart? Why is her chest aching? Is she having chest contractions again?

Just when the machine starts peeping mercilessly, the man wakes up from his sleep- it looks like. His head snaps up in Somin’s direction so fast she was surprised he didn’t get a whiplash. His large eyes are wondering, scanning her face and her figure. She scans his face too and wonders how he got those awful looking sleeping-bags under his mesmerizing, chocolate brown eyes. She wonders why his face looks so sharp and tense, and why his stubbly jaw is clenched and giving off a cracking sound. Why are his lips chapped? Is that a cut? It looks like somebody who adores rings might have punched his mouth. Her eyes travel down his throat. The adam apple! It’s standing in one place, not moving. There are several bruises on his neck, blue and purple! A vein is popping far to the right, and she forces her eyes back at his face- not wanting to look further than his unhealed neck.

The man swallows all of the sight; Somin’s shortened hair, widened eyes, stuffy and red nose, full, but shivering lips and the muscle in bouncing up and down while she gulps for the 100th time that moment. Her face is pale- paler than he’d ever imagine. As if she was sick. As if she had been sick for the past decade. She had lost weight- a lot of it. Her arms were mercilessly hanging to her sides and her hands- tiny hands were folded over her navel. The wholesome scene gives him chills of the wrong type. This is wrong. This is all because of him. He regrets it. Truly.

Somin blinks. Once, Twice Thrice. Trying to remove the sight of this person in front of her. This is not true. This is a nightmare, she tries convincing herself. This is a nightmare, it’s not true. He is not here. This is not him. It’s your imagination you dumb thing! You’re unworthy and insecure, don’t you remember he told you that? Unworthy and Insecure!

She wants to scream at her fantasies. Go away. Make him go away. Because the pain is too much to handle. She doesn’t want to see him. She doesn’t want him this close to her. But he is here, this is not a dream. This is reality, because hadn’t it been- she would’ve woken up by the large amount of pain in her chest. She knows this is reality. She is not dumb. She is not hallucinating.

Something is eating her up inside. Is that anxiety? Yeah, that must be it. It’s suffocating her. She needs to get away from him. He needs to leave. But how? Why was he here? After so many months? Why? Was he here to tell her how unworthy and insecure she is?

“Somin” He says breathlessly. He can’t believe she is finally awake. He had been dying for the past three days, watching her laying in bed. No movement, no nothing. Those days had felt like eternity. And now he was going to fix it. He was going to fix everything.

“Please” The devastated girl whispers. Please what? Please go away. Please don’t look at me. I feel insecure. I feel ugly when you look at me. Please don’t show your face to me ever again, because my heart goes crazy at the sight of you still oh- so beautiful man.

“Somin?” He asks again and to her misery -moves closer to her.

No, she screams in her mind. Go away. Please, don’t come any closer!

“No, no, please!” Somin starts hyperventilating and tries looking at anything but him. He needs to leave. She can’t stand him. Her heart is going crazy. Something is biting her insides. Someone is choking her. There’s a stone in her stomach, she can feel it damaging her flesh.

Hyung Joong, yes, her ex-boyfriend grows worried. His eyes scorch in confusion. What is she saying? Please what? No what? Should he call the doctors? “What is it baby?” He asks her sweetly, but the endearment sends chills of displeasure down her spine. No, she is not his baby. He can’t call her that. He sits sideways on the bed and cups her cheeks in his rough hands, gently her skin. It’s been months since he has been tender and soft to anybody. He is only gentle and caring for her. Nobody else. Nobody in the world matters more than her. And she is so vulnerable he wants to punish himself for putting her through this. “

“No!” Somin says sternly and tries pushing his hands off her. She remembers he wouldn’t like it when she rejects him, but she couldn’t give a damn at the moment. He had always been possessive and demanding, in-control and threatening, but she couldn’t care less about how he could punish her if she displeased him. He had damaged her enough. There was possibly nothing more he could do to destroy her soul.

Hyun Joong doesn’t want to use force with her- so he continues caressing her face gently, despite of her disagreeing at his touch. “It’s alright, I’m here” He consoles her.

No, go away. I don’t want you to be here! Don’t touch me, please! I feel ugly when you do that. “Do-don’t!”

“Shhhh” He whispers lovingly, he knows of her state. The doctors told him most people would be hysterical after a failed suicide attempt. So he was patient. He was loving. He would understand and listen to her.

“Please go!” She barks at him.

He doesn’t let go, he just studies every inch of her beautiful face and traces each feature with his fingertips. Oh how he missed this. How he missed her. How he had craved her all those months, but held back and controlled himself. How strong his willpower had been. How he had survived each day without her. How he had lived by imagining her, fantasying about her whenever he’d been alone or in company of other women. How he’d always have to think of her face when all those women were on their knees- swallowing him whole. How he from time to time would scream out her name, either in pleasure or in pain. And how he had given up on his love, for that very love.

“Go away!” Somin then screams loudly. She doesn’t have much of patience.. “Don’t touch me! Don’t you dare!”

Somin trashes in his hold. She tries kicking, biting, scratching, whatever she is capable of, and that’s his cue to press the emergency button and call for help. The short minute it took for the nurses and doctors to burst in, felt like a thousand years for Hyun Joong.

He had never seen her this crazy before. The way she was screaming, crying, hiccupping and sobbing altogether frightened him. The way she was flailing her arms in every direction while she kicked the sheets away was even worse. He restricted her arms to the bed, so that she wouldn’t hurt herself. In her attempt of running off- she hadn’t noticed the needles piercing into her skin and creating wounds with blood pouring out of them. To herself, she was never a suicide attempter, but to everybody else in the world, that’s exactly what she was. That’s who she looked like at least.

“MIRA!”

Where is she?

“MIRA!”

Why is nobody listening? She wants her friends to take this beast away from her.

“HANEUL!”

“JUNIE, JUNIE!”

“HAERA”

“HANEUL!”

Where are they all? Why are they not here?!

When the doctor and the three nurses stumbled in, Hyun Joong let out a sigh of relief. This was going to be far more difficult than what he had hoped for.

“It’s alright dear!” The nurses got to her sides, pushed her ex away and started consoling her like they would do to any other death wishing person. “You’ll be fine, just relax.”

Somin stopped screaming then, but her tears were still flowing. “P-please”

“Take deep breaths sweetie,” Said the nurses and demonstrated how she’d have to in the air and release it afterwards.

“I want to go home” The vulnerable girl sobbed over and over again, and the few people around her could do nothing but try to comfort her by rubbing her back and ice-cold hands.

Hyun Joong stood at the side all the while, watched the love of his life from a far distance and beat himself up mentally. He caused everything, and he doesn’t deserve to live after what he has done to her. How could he even have believed leaving her was for her own best in the first place? What a stupid fool he had been all this while, thinking that she’d manage to move on and have a great and safe life without him.

Looking at her now, he wanted to take it all back. Wanted to return to that day when he so stupidly decided he had to leave so she wouldn’t get caught up in his miss. The words he had uttered to stop her from questioning his decision were what made him guilty. He had destroyed her by saying those distasteful things that evening, and he was realizing it only now. Now when none of it could be taken back…..

Looking at her now, he couldn’t understand how he had managed to stay away. It had been a painful journey, but he had stopped himself from returning to her nevertheless. Although no woman could compare to her, he had used other women in order to forget about the pain in his chest when Somin would come to mind. , violence and drugs were used to cure the hole in his chest, but looking at her now- he realized that his wounded heart still hadn’t been healed in the passing months. And it would never be healed without her, no matter how hard he tried. She was a fresh breath of life, and now that he had returned, he knew it would be impossible to leave. She was his reality. His reason to look forward to living. And he was going to heal her. Have her. No matter what it was going to take him.

Somin was thinking something entirely different. She didn’t want her ex there, didn’t want his piercing eyes searching her like they were made to do exactly that. Several questions were running in her head. Why was he there? What did he want now? Damage her even more? Her lack of control over her emotions was embarrassing her; He wasn’t supposed to see that she had become so weak and freaky! She was supposed to show him that her life was great without him and that she had long forgotten him and their relationship.

“Miss Jung,” muttered the doctor slowly. “You need to relax, calm down, will you?”

No, she wanted to spit at him. Does it look like I’ll be able to relax with him in the same room as me?! Who even allowed him to come in here?

But instead she nodded her head obediently. She was going to calm down, only for the sake of her act. Kim Hyun Joong wasn’t allowed to see this weak side of her, that’d only give him victory.

"Why am I here?" She croaked out and clutched the sheets in her fisted hands.

The doctor and the nurses looked at each other- as if they were communicating somehow, someway she wouldn’t understand.

“You….. don’t remember?”

Remember what, thought Somin. She thought back and it hurt her head, but she could recall her working hours at the coffee shop and Haneul….. And Kim Hyun Joong’s mother.

At the memory of his mother and nephew, Somin casted a glance in his direction and shrunk in the sheets when his piercing eyes continued focusing at her. She disliked the familiar flutter in her heart so much it was uncomfortable to talk, but she managed to utter her request anyways. “Ugh…. Ca-can’t we talk alone?”

There was no way she was going to force herself to speak in front of him, because his mere presence was making her feel insecure andugly.

“What?”

“I don’t want him here,” Her head nodded in his direction, and although she didn’t dare watch him after that- he uncrossed his arms and glared at her like he couldn’t understand why she’d say that. It hurt his heart to hear her wish of wanting him gone and away from herself.

“Somi-“

“I think it’s best if you wait outside, Mister Kim,” The doctor interrupted and gave the clearly upset man a firm nod. His patient was important to him, and although the man had told them he was herlover- they were still going to listen to the wishes of the sick.

Hyun Joong’s jaw clenched in anger and he felt the need to be violent climbing up somewhere at his back, but he gritted his teeth, sighed and left the room without any further discussion. He would have argued and got it his way, but since the love of his life was so unstable; it was only natural to be patient and heed her wishes.