LAST CHAPTER, ENJOY!

 

21. Tormented

 

The trip to the carnival was fun. At least for the boys and surprisingly not so much for the girl. They rode several trains and played many games. They even visited the ghost-house and ate cotton candy. Somin had thought this trip would do her good, but in reality it pained her even more, because in the park were many couples. And all those couples reminded her of how her relationship had failed. All those beautiful women in their half- glory reminded her of the fact that she had been called some harsh words. And they seemed very true at the moment, because she was uncomfortable in her skin. She was looking down at the ground the whole time and trying to be as invisible as possible. She felt shameful and out of place. Girls like her belonged at home, locked in a room, Somin thought to herself.

 

The boys- who had both been so sure their evening out would be a disaster, were actually enjoying themselves. Hyung Jun had given up giving out his sarcastic comments and remarks, and Haneul had embraced the fact that he needed to be more confident with himself around his opponent. He tried clearing the air between them, and he had tried hard, so it was no surprise they were getting together quite well after some time. Somin watched the two howling at each other and betting while playing some kind of dart game. They almost looked like.. friends? But maybe that’s because they were so engulfed in having fun, that they weren’t really caring about the untold story in-between.

 

Somin smiled secretly from time to time- when she was out of her misery, whilst observing the two. The way they would laugh aloud and fist-pump, was making her believe she was the third wheel. But that was not a problem as long as they were both enjoying themselves. They were beautiful creatures, they were good people. It was a beautiful sight to see them smiling.

 

She walked behind them at the time, and they didn’t realize it for quite some time, but she wasn’t minding being left out, because she was busy in her own thoughts of heartbreak and betrayal.

 

“You are actually pretty cool bro,” Hyun Jun complimented Haneul while taking puffs of his cigarette.

 

Haneul smiled, he was glad Hyung Jun finally thought good of him.

 

“Want some?” The cigarette was offered to Haneul. Hyung Jun believed he was a little too simple, and that he needed to losen up some more. Smoke, drink, something in that path. That way they’d get along even more. Maybe some time they can even visit the club together and pick up women. He’d teach him how to have the time of his life.

 

Haneul shook his head, “I don’t smoke.”

 

“You should try, it’s pretty good.” Came the false suggestion.

 

“Really?” He quirked an eyebrow “That’s not good for health at all.”

 

He sounds like such a , thought Hyung Jun.

 

“It makes you relax, so why not?” He couldn’t understand how people actually survived without smoking. Whenever he was stressed, he’d smoke, and the stress would blow off within few seconds. Cigarettes were holy for him. “You do drink right?”

 

“Occasionally” Haneul shrugged, “Soju though,”

 

“Let’s have a drink sometimes; I’m sure I’ll beat your in that.”

 

Haneul chuckled hoarsely. “Don’t challenge me buddy, I’m pretty good at drinking too.”

 

“Good to hear,” Hyung Jun assured, “I wouldn’t like drinking with a .”

 

The guy flinched, why was this man so brutal? He was always using the wrong kind of words.

 

“You like Somin?” Hyung Jun suddenly dropped the bomb and Haneul froze in his flesh. Why this sudden question? Was it so obvious? He has only been friendly to Somin? Not romantic in any way, so how has this man noticed?

 

“Y-yeah,” He decided to play it cool “She’s nice, a great friend.”

 

“You like her in more than a friendly way,” He accused; he wasn’t going to be polite when it came to something like this, something that upset him.

 

“W-what do you mean?” The boy stuttered, as if he had been caught stealing cookies from the jar red-handed.

 

“You know what I mean” Hyung Jun scoffed. They were men, could he not behave like one and admit his feelings and stand his ground? “You want her.”

 

“I don-“

 

“Don’t try fooling me, I know how you look at her.”

 

Haneul took a big gulp of air then, his eyes desperately searching for some distraction, but there was none. Then he simply decided to flip the game around. “What about you huh?” He muttered angrily, “You want her too.” Was he the only one wanting her? No! Then why should he have to be blamed like he was sinning? He was attracted to the girl, so what? Was that wrong? No!

 

Hyung Jun shook his head in response. “Somin is a special person to me, I don’t want to see her get hurt. And that’s why I am warning you: Don’t play any games with her.”

 

Haneul relaxed after that, the conversation didn’t seem very threatening any longer. And he was happy Hyung Jun had not declared he wanted Somin too, that would have been a declaration of war. Both knew. “I’m not intending on hurting her.” He was trying to lighten up the girl for God sakes! Why would he try to damage such an innocent person?

 

“You better not, because if you do, God knows, my cousin will crush you, and I will too along with him.”

 

“Your cousin?” What did his cousin have to do with this conversation, thought Haneul confused.

 

“Her ex.”

 

“Your cousin is her ex?”

 

“Yes, I’m sure you’ve heard of him. Kim Hyun Joong that is.”

 

Yes, he had indeed heard of him. Of that man who used to walk in all his mighty glory down the halls. He picked Somin up from several of her classes and they always ate together in lunch. Sometimes he’d also see the man kiss her goodbye in the parking lot, and she’d skip away happily towards the dorms, whereas he’d walk back into his department and attend his classes.

 

Haneul could definitely remember how he used to observe them from where he sat on the bench. He remembered the amusing pinch in his stomach whenever Kim Hyun Joong would dive into her with a passionate kiss, and he remembered the sigh of relief when Somin Jung would push him off- not wanting to make a scene in front of the already entertained audience of students. At some point, he had also considered dumping itching powder over the man’s hands, so he could stop touching the girl so much. He never kept his hands to himself, they were always around her in some way. Either in her hands, around her shoulders, or her waist or in the worst case- grabbing her .

 

Haneul also remembered the hilarious note he had written to ease himself while watching them a few weeks back.

 

I hate him!   He is so arrogant, look how he is behaving. And so disrespecting. Lord, doesn’t he have manners? Why does he keep on touching her ! See, she slapped his hand away and she’s trying to talk to her frien- and now he squeezed her again! Aissht, such a bastard, he doesn’t respect the woman even. Why is she with him? He doesn’t deserve her. She turned around and glared at him, but he grabbed her again! This time both of his hands are in her back-pockets and the prick is smirking! Lord, have mercy on this girl.

 

“You there man?” Hyung Jun squeezed Haneul’s shoulder to gain his attention. He had been zoning out.

 

“Oh….Yeah.”

 

“As I was saying,” He continues sternly. “Don’t hurt her, you won’t like being on either of ours bad sides.”

 

The threatened one scoffed then. “Your cousin hurt her himself, and it’s not like I’m playing with her, but he wouldn’t do a about it.” Why would her ex care? He knew that Kim Hyun Joong had broken Somin’s heart- that much was visible in her eyes.

 

“Don’t underestimate him,” Hyung Jun warned. “He had his own reasons, but it doesn’t mean he’ll give no .”

 

“He won’t……” Haneul muttered silently, “Come back, will he?” Oh how he wished that man would never come back. Since he hadn’t been there for a week already, it was safe to say he was gone, possibly for forever.

 

“He doesn’t have a reason to, so no, just don’t be that reason.”

 

That made him sigh in relief.

 

“You’re like a big, fat cow when you do that.” Hyung Jun snorted, and the boy who was being insulted broke out in a fit of laughter.

 

“Man, you’re funny” He then said after composing himself from the out-break.

 

“I won’t be funny if you upset Somin, is that clear?”

 

“I think you’re the one who is upsetting her, so why don’t you work on yourself rather than threatening me?” That must have been the boldest reply in his lifetime. He hadn’t meant to say that, but it sprouted out. It had to be let out. That was the truth, so why not?

 

“My, my, are you actually trying to insult me?”

 

“I am not insulting you,” Haneul explained, “But maybe you should try making her happy, instead of troubling her like you do.”

 

“You’re one sassy motherer, you know that?”

 

Hadn’t it been for the friendly atmosphere, he’d flinch and scurry away.

 

“And as for Somin-“ Hyung Jun started, before he cut himself off, realizing something was missing. He turned around and was surprised when she was nowhere in sight. “Where the is she?”

 

“Who?” Haneul too was oblivious to the fact that they had been so engaged in their own worlds they’d forgotten the girl. “Oh, Somin?”

 

“Who else you wanker?”

 

“I don’t wank,”

 

“Sure you don’t.” Hyung Jun rolled his eyes, “Where the did she go?”

 

“She was here just now,” Yeah right, like 5 minutes ago….

 

Hyung Jun pulls out his phone and proceeds to call her. He just hopes she would be smart enough to pick his call.

 

And luckily for all of them- she does pick up. On the last ring though.

 

“Hello?” Her voice is drowsy, tired and not like he remembers it being.

 

“Where the are you?”

 

“Don’t curse at her!” Haneul hisses from the side, but Hyung Jun silences him with a death glare.

 

“W-what?”

 

“I said, where are you? Why did you suddenly disappear?” He demanded to know.

 

“Oh…well-“ Somin started explaining. “I left.” She lied. Partially. She left, not the carnival, but for the washrooms where she just had to wrench her gut out.

 

“You what?!” He panicked. How could she leave just like that?

 

“I needed to go home.” She doesn’t want any of them to see her in this vulnerable state. How was she going to explain why she vomited just by watching people walking around? Does that even make sense? 

 

“You just left?” He sounded angry now, because he was. “What the is wrong with you? Where are you? You were here a minute ago!”

 

“I left,” Somin repeated again. “Don’t worry about me, you guys have fun.”

 

“Somin” Hyung Jun warned “Tell me where you are, you can’t have gotten that far in two minutes?”

 

“I am in the bus, so I’ll see you tomorrow or something. Tell Haneul I said bye.”

 

“Get off the bus, we’ll go together.”

 

“Bye Junie.” She said hastily and cancelled the call, just before she started gagging again.

 

* * * * * 

 

The next months were difficult, and Somin was getting worse for each day that passed by. She and the people around her had thought time would heal her wounds and heart, but unfortunately, they had not been right in their theory. The girl was getting depressed, sometimes she’d have anxiety and sometimes she’d drown in her own insecurities. Whatever she did- it all ended up in nightmares and restless nights wrenching her gut out.

 

Haera- who was still Somin’s roommate, had been watching all of it and therefore forced Somin to see a psychiatrist. That wasn’t an idea Somin liked very much, but she complied nevertheless. The first month of being single- she had visited her mentor two times each week. Then came the second month and her visits were reduced to once every week. Now that she was at the end of her third month- she had slowly cut off every session. She was no longer seeking help from where she could get some.

 

In her mind, it was all ridiculous; especially the part where the therapist would come up with the disorder and try to convince her she was in a “critical” condition. Somin didn’t like it. She didn’t like others telling her she was mentally ill, because she was not! Not in her own mind at least. And she certainly hadn’t liked her therapist pressuring her to visit a hospital- apparently she was “weak”, her physical condition was no better.

 

“I’m not sick, I feel fine, so why should I visit the doctors?” She had asked her psychologist in her irritated and disrespectful tone her last visit, which was over two weeks ago.

 

“Somin, you tell me that you have insomnia, that you’re stressed and have anxiety.” The woman had breathed out calmly, “These conditions aren’t only in our minds, they affect body and soul. And the fact that you have difficulties eating, or that you disgorge most of it anyways, gives me an even stronger reason to make you see a doctor. It’s not healthy, and it might not seem like it right now, but you can end up developing chronic diseases, stomach inflammation being one for instance.”

 

The girl had scoffed then. “I am not sick, stop treating me like I have bulimia or something. I come her to talk, not because I am some psycho!”

 

“I’ve never said that you’re a psycho Somin,  I just want you to understand you shouldn’t underestimate your condition, you’re in a very cri-“

 

“Critical condition?” The frustrated patient finished for her therapist. “You know what? I think it was a mistake coming here. I want to cancel all of my future appointments.” With that, she had stormed out of the room, and decided to never return.   

 

But even if everything was being so difficult, she still acted alright, fine. She convinced those around her that she was finally whole again, and although they could see her lies- they didn’t try pressuring her into anything she’d dislike. All of her friends had been good supporters- they’d talk to her, they’d shower her with love and she felt honoured to have them around her. They were all like her guardian angels.

 

She didn’t get to talk much with Kyu Jong, and it was a disappointment since he had been there to help her when she was in the relationship with his friend. They’d greet each other in the hallways, but otherwise, he and Park Jung Min would sit at a table far away from theirs. Hyung Jun would walk back and forth- sometimes he was on their table and sometimes with the East Coasters.

 

Park Jung Min- who had always given her ugly stares, had finally stopped. He no longer looked at her, and whenever their eyes crossed- he’d look at her as if she was a stranger, as if he hadn’t seen her before. It was strange to Somin, but she was fine with not getting acknowledged. As long as she didn’t have to put up with his hate, she was fine.  

 

Haera skipped most of her lunch-breaks and trips, but Haneul and Mira were always there- always with Somin. It had slowly started to feel like Haera was retiring as the third musketeer, and getting replaced by Kang Haneul himself.  Haneul was a great guy- always happy, full of surprises. Somin’s mood was at its best when she was around either him or Mira.

 

When Haera and Mira had gone onto their summer break- Haneul and Somin only had each other, since both had decided to push their break a few months forward. Hyung Jun would be there sometimes, but most of the time they were alone, sticking to each other like glue. They’d follow each other to class, they’d eat and study together. Hell, Haneul even started taking up dance classes just so he could spend more time with his friend. She gave him a new life, an interesting life.

 

And he gave her hope. A lot of it.

 

Somin had learned a lot about the guy. He wasn’t only a good-looking person, there was so much more to him. He was a saint to her, especially after he had opened up about his problems. He had told her about the most devastating moments of life; How he had graduated from high school, only to jump into work-life. How he had worked for 2 years straight, just so he could save the money and fulfil his dream of studying abroad. And when he was finally ready to leave, he couldn’t. His little sister fell sick. Cancer-stricken. She had leukaemia, and she had needed treatment. His parents didn’t have enough, so he stepped in- like the graceful child and brother he is, and used all of his savings to cure his sister.

 

Somin had felt bad this had happened to him, but she was also proud. Proud of him, since he was so selfless. He was clever, loving. She never stopped thinking that whoever marries him- would be the luckiest person alive.

 

They had been hanging out for what seems like years- but in reality are only a couple of months. Their friendship had grown so much Somin did say he was of her best-friends. He held a relaxing personality, whenever the girl felt upset-, which she did almost every hour of the day- she’d talk with him, and just like that her mood would get better instantly. He was a happy-bomb with crazy ideas and fantasies. Their first month together had passed so hurriedly while they studied together and got their grades up. Then the second came after their finals and they did fun things like going to the amusement park, the movies and tasting different foods. And so they had entered their 3rd month of friendship along with the girl’s 3rd month of heart-break.

 

She was not over Kim Hyun Joong. Not yet, and Haneul knew. He was like a permanent wound in her chest. Her insecurities would remind her of him daily. For each day that had passed since the day he broke it off with her- she’d become more and more insecure and depressed, but she made sure to act alright. It was painful to bear fake smiles everyday, but what else could she do? 

 

At night. That’s when she’d lay awake and think everything all over. Maybe if she had given herself to him, he’d grow to love her? Maybe it was her fault for not trusting him when they had been together for so many months already? Perhaps her lack of trust was what had set him on the edge.

 

But why does it hurt so much, she asked herself day after day, week after week and month after month. Her heart did still swell in agony when she thought of him at night. He was so beautiful, but so cruel. Why did this have to happen to her? Why was she missing every bit and part of him, when she knew he was wrong for her?

 

And yet, she hadn’t cried. Not even once. There had been moments where her tears would be on the edge of staining her cheeks, but she had controlled herself each time and stopped them from reaching out. She wouldn’t cry. Not over him. That’s what she thought at least. 

 

* * * * *

 

“Hey Somin”

 

“Hi Haneul”

 

“What’s up Somin?”

 

“Nothing special Haneul.”

 

“Are you alright Somin?”

 

“I’ve been better Haneul.”