Happy New Year!

Sorry for the wait, guys. Also you might notice that the font has changed because my computer is doing something weird so for the time being, enjoy Yixing's new writing that I can hopefully change back.

WARNING: KYUNGSOO SAYS A censored SWEAR WORD.

Still Mondae

After Yifan drove Joonmyeon to the university, Chanyeol and I started walking towards the bus station together. The possibility of confessing to Jongdae was still fresh in my mind. Could I really do it? What would happen if he rejected me? He and I have a pretty good friendship that I couldn't screw up.

"Are you thinking about Jongdae?" Chanyeol's voice interrupted my deliberation. I turned to him, confused.

"H-how do you know about that, um, thing?"

Chanyeol shrugged nonchalantly. "Ever since he and I started sitting with you guys at lunch, I've began to notice the way you look at him. The way you stare. The way you smile and how you always seem to want to figuratively eat his face-"

"Okay, okay," I interrupted politely. Actually, looking back that was probably really rude. Um, sorry Chanyeol.

(Wait, actually I'm not that sorry. Chanyeol was the one who accused me of wanting to eat Jongdae's face. Figuratively. But still...)

"Chanyeol-what else do you notice?" I inquired, using my excellent detective skills to investigate the mystery surrounding whether or not I had a chance with Jongdae.

The serial axe murderer tall man adjacent to me pondered for a moment before answering. "Well, anyway can tell that Baekhyun and Kyungsoo want to-"

"Oh we ALL know what THEY wanna do with each other!"

Shoot, I interrupted him again. But in my defense, who doesn't know what's going on with Baekhyun and Kyungsoo.

"Yeah, I guess that one goes without saying. Uh, let's see...Jongin likes Kyungsoo too, doesn't he? That I got from Jongdae telling me..."

"Yup." IT BAEK AND MINSEOK I SO KNEW IT AND CHANYEOL JUST COMFIRMED IT! ALL WE NEED IS KYUNGSOO TO BE ON BOARD AND THE MONEY IS MINE!

"And Luhan is into you-wait, you know about that already, right?"

"Indeed I do." But sometimes I wish I had no idea.

"And I think that's it...Wait, wait, wait- Minseok definitely has the hots for Luhan."

WHA HA WHA

Also who even uses the term "has the hots for" anymore?

Chanyeol nodded confidently but then said, "Don't take my word for everything though; I'm not completely sure about everything. Well, the Jongin thing is definitely true."

IT GUYYSSS I'M GOING TO WIN THE BET

"So is the Baekhyun and Kyungsoo thing. Oh, and the Luhan thing. And I'm assuming you're owning up to wanting to get funkyyyy wid da Jongdae?" Chanyeol spoke with a weird made-up accent on his last statement.

For once, Jongdae was not the first thing I wanted to talk about. "So the Minseok liking Luhan thing- I never heard a thing about that," I mused.

"You never did? Huh, that's the one I'm iffy about. You gotta ask Minseok hyung for comfirmation. But I'm pretty sure..."

"Right, right..."

"..."

"..."

"So...Jongdae, hmm?..." Chanyeol smirked.

Forget my detective skills; it was easiest to do this with a straight-on confrontation.

"Chanyeol...you guys are close..."

"Jongdae and I? Yeah, we got a great thing going on," Chanyeol nodded.

"Please...tell me if you know anything at all-"

"I know everything, Yixing."

"Of course you do. Just-" I paused to gather my thoughts, "Do I have a chance with Jongdae?"

Chanyeol tilted his head sideways. "The truth?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes."

Chanyeol smiled cryptically. "Well, you just said it."

Tuesdae

"WE LOVE YOU HYUNG WOOOO!!!"

"Baekhyun ah, you're so embarrassing." I could practically hear Joonmyeon grimacing through his teeth on stage.

Yes, our Joonmyeonie has indeed graduated today. We all went to his diploma-receiving ceremony. He was, well, the only one graduating at that time, so the whole event was over pretty quickly.

Ooh, here's a fun fact: he was already chosen as the valedictorian so he, the valedictorian will not be present at the regular ceremony for everyone else who is not as smart AND DOESN'T TELL ME WHEN THEY HAVE A CRUSH ON LUHAN.

So yeah. I failed to mention at the beginning of this entry that HOLY AVACADO THINGS WERE DONE AND SAID AT THE AFTER-PARTY OMGOMGOMGOMG

...

...

...

It seems like every time we throw or go to a party for Joonmyeon things I will continue to analyze post-party happen.

Here my precious journal- you're such a good listener by the way! Have I ever told you that?

Naturally, it all started when Joonmyeon got his diploma in front of all his friends and family, who were all very proud of him for being smart but also extremely jealous at the same time because none of them graduated early.

Wow guys what are you we doing? Graduating on time is sooo last week.

Joonmyeon proceeded to give his valedictorian speech because he is the valedictorian. I'll be the first to admit I cried. It was an emotional speech with so many words just- just put in the right place. Together.

Even Baekhyun listened all the way through.

The auditorium erupted in applause and cheers as Joonmyeon threw his graduation hat into the air by himself. Sehun tried to throw his baseball cap in the air too but it didn't get very far before hitting Tao in the face.

Soon, we all headed to the after-party together. Cake was consumed. Smiles were had:)

Thankfully, Baekhyun did not tamper with this cake. Kyungsoo, who was flusteredly content with this fact, awkwardly waddled towards him.

"Thanks Baek..." he mumbled.

Baekhyun quickly glanced up from stuffing his face, frosting slowly sliding down his cheek. "For what?"

"For, uh, not messing up my cake."

Baekhyun smiled his puppy-dog smile. "Anytime. But I'll admit I was wondering how everyone would react if I scribbled a cuss word on with frosting."

"...Thank you for not writing "" on my cake."

"No problem..."

They smiled shyly at each other. I felt very lonely at that moment.

Eyyy Jongdae where you at?

Baekhyun opened his mouth again. "Kyungie, I-"

"Hey Kyungsoo hyung!"

Everybody who should have been minding their own business but was instead watching the will they/won't they saga between Baekhyun and Kyungsoo unfold swiveled their heads to stare at Kim Jongin.

"Hi Jongin," Kyungsoo greeted him. "What's up?"

Kim Jongin sharply inhaled the air around him. "There's something I need to ask you, hyung. In, um, private."

Kyungsoo furrowed his brow in faux confusion. He knew what was up. But what else could he do but say "Uh, sure. Let's go outside"?

So they went outside, leaving Baekhyun and what was left of the cake alone.

See, at this point, I'm torn between twenty bucks and Baekhyun's happiness.

...

I looked around the room for Jongdae, but he was nowhere to be found. Well shoot. I like talking to Jongdae. I like Jongdae.

The next time I see him, I'm going to do it; I'm gonna finally confess! I told myself. I'll do it because- because I can! And I will!

And how that goes? You'll see, it'll come.

...

I spotted Minseok and was immediately reminded of my conversation with Chanyeol yesterday (yesterdae). I casually strolled towards Minseok, prepared to interrogate him about HIS FEELINGS FOR LUHAN HOLY SEASAME SEEDS I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE SAW THIS COMING BUT ME WOW SERIOUSLY

But just when I thought we could talk JOONMYEON THE NOODLEHEAD came and pulled Minseok away for something called "pictures" and "conversation". Whatever that means. Joonmyeon I love you but why, man? Why at that moment?!

Anyway, I decided to approach Baekhyun again as Chanyeol and Luhan appeared to be having a mature conversation together that seemed rude to interrupt. Baek hadn't moved from the cake at all. He just stood there quietly, like he didn't know what do.

"Yixing..."

"Are you...okay?" I gently placed my hand on his shaky shoulder.

He didn't meet my eyes, "I don't know what to do."

Told you.

"...Does he like Jongin?" was the next thing out of his mouth.

I was glad I honestly wasn't certain of the answer yet. It would be difficult to tell him anything.

"I don't know, Baek."

"Jongin likes him..." he mused out loud.

"...Yes," I replied uncomfortably.

"And Jongin did something about it..."

"...I suppose he has now."

"And he did it before it was too late. WHY DIDN'T I?" Baekhyun practically screamed the last part. A few people curiously glanced in our direction. I ignored them and immdeiately wrapped both my arms around Baekhyun in a hug. He threw his own arms around me in response, his embrace tight.

"Yixing, why does it hurt so bad?" he whimpered.

"What? Love?" I inquired.

"Love."

"I wouldn't know, Baek." The words slipped out of my mouth before I could stop them.

"But-Jongdae-don't you...?" he trailed off.

I opened my mouth, then closed it again. I only really really really liked Jongdae, right? I didn't love him. Not yet anyway.

"I don't think I can call my feelings for him love yet. They get stronger everyday-"

(Dae)

"-and they don't diminish; it's certainly getting closer and closer to love everytime he's on my mind."

"But is there really that big a difference?" Baekhyun wondered, pulling away from me. "Between love and the next closest thing to it. Your feelings for Jongdae still exist and you will always be approaching love, like you said."

He could very well be correct in some way. And what he said made me realize that if I wanted to get anywhere closer to love, confessing to Jongdae was the first step. I mean, I was planning to do so anyway but this was another reason why I should. Confessing to Jongdae would open up a possibility. A possibility he would say yes and we would date and allow me to fall harder until you could only say I was truly, actually falling in love.

And confessing to Jongdae would possibly let me begin to learn how to.

"Since when did you get so smart?" I teased Baekhyun.

"I always have been," he responded, smiling only a bit. "That cake should be for me."

...

Baekhyun headed out to get some fresh air after that. I scurried to the washroom to scrub the cake off my hands (courtesy of Baek) and on my way back, I ran into Luhan by the stairwell. Literally; he almost fell over.

"Sorry!" I exclaimed.

"S'okay," he shrugged back.

"..."

"..."

"So..." I began, "How've you been?"
Luhan gave a short and curt "eh" in response. He started to walk away. Seeing as this was how it was going to be for the next little while, I could only do the same. I was halfway past the nearest corridor when Luhan called out to me.
"Yixing..."
I could have kept walking but I'm not big on running away from my problems. Actually, I'm not big on running anywhere in general. Turning around, I asked, "What is it, ge?"
Luhan briefly paused before speaking again. "...We're still friends, right?..."
I smiled, relieved to hear that. "Of course we are."

Luhan started walking towards me so we would be able to converse without yelling across the hallway. "...Then I'd like your advice on something."
At that moment, I really wished for a better brain-to-mouth filter. Because stupid, stupid me blurted out, "Did Minseok hyung confess to you?"
Luhan widened his eyes and it was obvious that this was news to him.
"Minnie likes me?"
Gosh darn it, Yixing; you screwed up yet again.
"UmumumumIdon'tknowit'sjustthatChanyeoltoldmehedoesandIjustgetthefeelingeveryonealreadyknowsaboutitsoinconclusionyoubetterasksomeoneelsejusttomakesure..." I took a huge breath.

Luhan was deep in thought. He sighed suddenly, looking disappointed. "I'm so tired of you giving me false hope on everything, Xing. Do you have any idea how it feels when you're led on to be certain you have a chance when you never did in the first place?"

I was about to say something when another voice cut in out of nowhere.
"You do have a chance, Lu."
Luhan and I turned instinctively turned to the direction from which the voice came. Minseok stood by the stairwell with an indifferent expression on his face.
"...So is it true, then?" was the first thing Luhan asked him.
Minseok's gaze shifted from the ground to the ceiling. "Guess so," he started, but a very apparent epiphany took over his thoughts. "I mean, yes. Yes it is," Minseok corrected himself.
"And you're not just-"
"Going to lead you on? No. I'm telling you right now that this is how I really feel," Minseok finished, a determined look settling on his face.

I wanted to ask Minseok why he never told me about his feelings but he turned towards me first. 
"Yixing, you're probably wondering why I never told you about my feelings."
"Yes." Yes is an understatement.
"I simply didn't want to get involved with all the drama surrounding you, Luhan, and Jongdae. You can't make a triangle smaller by adding another vertex."
Wise words, hyung. "And Luhan, hopefully you're already aware that Minseokkie here is wayyyy less of an insensitive jerkhole than me," I felt the need to add.
Luhan let out a weak smile. "I hope to be, soon."
Minseok widened his almond-shaped eyes. "So does this mean what I think it does?"
"Yeah. I guess so. I mean yes. Yes, definitely."
"Oh, uh, cool..."
"Very."

An awkward silence settled over the three of us. I broke it and asked Luhan, "So what did you want my advice on, anyway?"
"Oh, just whether or not you thought Minseok could ever like me."
He smiled dumbly at Minseok, who smiled dumbly back before he turned back to me (just in case you were wondering, I was also smiling dumbly. That might even be my default expression).
"I saw Jongdae head outside that door about fifteen minutes ago. You better go, like now."
"Good luck..." Luhan added before I thanked them and started sprinting towards the aforementioned door.

Maybe I do like running.

...

"Jongdae?" It didn't take me very long to find him, actually. The object of my affections was blatantly in the middle of an empty field feeding grass to- was that a pony?
He heard me calling and waved me over with a grin. I ran even faster towards him and I could comfirm- yes. That was indeed a pony.
"Yixing, hey," he greeted as soon as I got close enough.
"Hi," I managed, my eyes still on the pony. "Uh, who's this?"
"Oh!" Jongdae remembered that the pony was a norm to nobody but him. "This is Lay, my unicor-I MEAN pony!" he exclaimed, correcting himself.

"Ah, I see..." I nodded. That was when I noticed a traditional cone-shaped party hat lying on the ground. "So, um, what's that?" I gestured to the hat.
"NOTHING!" Jongdae quickly swiped the hat off of the grass. "Why don't you, uh, ask why Lay is here right now?"
I was curious. "Okay, why is Lay here right now?"
"Well, he really likes the grass from this field and I usually go to the stables after school today-"

(Jongdae said dae hehehe okay sorry)

"-to play with him but I didn't want to miss Joonmyeon hyung's graduation so I brought him with me. I just hope the school didn't enforced a no-pets rule."

"Oh, that's cool." And it was. I never knew Jongdae had a pet unicor-I mean pony. There were still so many things about him I have yet to learn.
And now was the time to try to learn more.

"Jongdae, there's something I need to tell you."

"Hmm?..." Jongdae cutely glanced up, interested.

I took a deep breath. It felt like all my blood was rushing to one place in my body. Probably my heart over anything else. What "constant flow in and out"? All I felt was in.
This was it.

"I-I want you to know that I think you're really special. And I've always thought that since my first day here. Since the first time we spoke and you asked me something but I still have no idea what you said because I was too busy staring at, well you.
I hung on to every word you said after that though. You're really funny but you know when is the right time to calm down. You're really smart, even when we're around people like Baekhyun. I mean, I'm not calling him stupid, but I think you know what I mean.
And when you kissed me at the party-it didn't even bother me that your mouth had been on somebody- two somebodies- else's just a few seconds ago. All that mattered to me was that you noticed me, even if it had only been provoked by a dare.  I don't know how I was able to fall so quickly. Maybe not in love yet, but I want to. And when that happens, I want you to be the one beside me. Because I really, really, really like you, Kim Jongdae."

I didn't have the courage to look Jongdae in the eye until the last syllable of my unrehearsed confession left my lips. He looked bewildered, in disbelief, and like he didn't expect this at all. It was a while before either of us spoke.

Eventually, Jongdae spoke first.
"...So are you asking me out?"
I nodded.

"..."

"...So, um, what do you say?" I nervously questioned.
"...Yixing, I have a question too," was all he said.
"...Oh, okay. What is it?" I was getting more and more scared by the second.
"...And please answer me honestly..."
My palms were sweating and my chest felt heavy. "Of course."
"Yixing, who put you up to this?"

I was confused out of my mind. "What-Jongdae, I-"
"Unless it was your own idea because for some reason you think it's funny to joke about liking me," Jongdae glared sharply at me. His perfect eyes narrowed. I thought back to everytime I had been lost in them. And this time was no different because I couldn't look away from his angry stare.

"Jongdae, I'm not lying, I swear. Where did you even get that idea from? Why would you think that?"

He bit his lip uncertainly and looked at the ground. "Because why would you ever be interested in me?"

And with that, Jongdae turned his back to me, tugging on Lay's saddle, and walked away, leaving me frozen, befuddled, and screaming inside.

...

...

...

It's been a long day; I'll write more tomorrow because it's all I can do for now; I have no idea what will happen next until I see Jongdae again.

Hehe

As always, thank you to every subscriber, every up-voter, and /or every commenter~