WednesDAY (to honor Jongdae's lack of technical response to my confession)

I still don't know what provoked Jongdae to believe I was joking when I confessed to him. I searched for him today but as luck would have it, he was nowhere to be found. To be fair, he was probably busy studying for finals which were coming up soon. Come to think of it, that would definitely explain why I haven't seen my other friends around as much either. I too must start studying soon.

At lunch today, it was just Baekhyun, Chanyeol, and me. We're barely a short wall anymore; now it's just two bricks and one long stick.
"I wonder if Kyungsoo's sitting with Jongin," Baekhyun mused.
Chanyeol contently took a bite of his apple. "Have you spoken to him since yesterday?"
"No, and I feel more and more uneasy, not knowing what happened with them." Baekhyun dejectedly slumped across the lunch table. I could empathize.

"How's Joonmyeon hyung?" I asked Chanyeol.
"Great. University is going well, from what I've heard. In fact, I'm going to go call him right now!" Chanyeol promptly stood up and left the table.

"At least his relationship is still strong," I remarked to Baekhyun, who flipped his hood on sadly and looked at me, a vaguely puzzled expression colouring his face. "True. By the way, do you know what's up with Jongdae? Because he's not speaking to me or Chanyeol."

The lump in my throat expanded. "I may have a slight idea." I proceeded to explain what happened yesterday. Baekhyun's jaw dropped and he looked nearly as shocked as I felt.

"Seriously? Where on earth did he get that idea from?"

"Who freaking knows?" I frustratingly bit into my apple so hard I swore it drew blood.

Baekhyun sighed, "I'm just wondering why he would assume Chanyeol or me had something to do with it."

"Well, you gotta remember that it may not necessarily be the reason why he's not talking to either of you," I pointed out.

"Considering the circumstances at hand, I'm willing to bet on it."
"Fair enough," I shrugged, "Speaking of bets- what's going on with the one we had with Minseok hyung regarding Kyungsoo?"

To recap for you, my beautiful book of and for future recollection, I would obtain twenty bucks from each of them if Kyungsoo developed feelings for Kim Jongin. Baekhyun would get the money instead if Kyungsoo chased after Sehun once more, while our dear hyung Minseok would emerge victorious if our doe-eyed friend did nothing at all.
 

"I don't know, man," Baekhyun's brown eyes were glassy.

"All I can say is that I really really hope I lose."

---

Thursday

Still no Jongdae to be found today. I did, however, come across his brother at dance practice. Kim Jongin was not giving it his all today.

"Jongin ah, what's wrong?" I overheard our mentor Hyukjae question him. "I know you are better than this."

"It's nothing. I'm just-just tired," Jongin sighed, trying to paste an look of indifference on his face. "I'm sorry hyung."

Hyukjae furrowed his brow. "Well...I believe you- for now. You know I'm always around if you want to talk about it."

He patted Kim Jongin's slumped shoulder and strolled away, shaking his head a bit sadly. I took that as my cue to go up to Kim Jongin myself and find out what was happening. He saw me coming and bit his lower lip dejectedly.

 

"So, Kim Jongin...How are y-"

"I don't want to talk about it, hyung..." he shifted his shoulder away from me. "And don't even ask what "it" is; you already know what happened."

I chose my next words carefully, making sure they wouldn't cut his wound deeper. 

 

"...Yes."

 

I'm so good at talking to people gosh wow look at me.

 

On a more serious note, that's not all I said. "But honestly, I don't know anything for sure. But I do have a pretty good guess."

He looked up from the floor. "So...people have been saying things..?"

"No; I personally haven't heard anything. But you said it yourself; I should know what happened, right?"

"Yeah." He looked defeated. "Hyung, I don't know what to do now. I confessed to...him, and he turned me down. Now what? Am I just supposed to sit here and cry until I'm able to get over him?"

I gave him my most sympathetic empathetic look. "I don't think there's anything else you can do. I mean, what else did he say?"

"He said, "I don't think it's a good idea for us to be together. I'll always keep wondering if I'm only with you because I can be, and because your door is the only one that opened so widely.""

 

I couldn't help but immediately think of three particular things. One, this would at least cheer Baek up a little bit. Not the part about Kim Jongin feeling sad but rather the slightly predictable outcomes surrounding the circumstances why he felt so. Two, well, I could kiss my chances of winning the bet goodbye. And three- was this what I had been doing to Luhan? I did go on two dates with him. Had I only done so because I knew that I could and it was safe? I'm-I'm awful. But I guess it always could have been worse; at least I didn't go on a third date after he confessed on the second. Still, I despised myself so much after that epiphany. Luhan, I'm still so, so sorry about what I did.

 

But back to Kim Jongin- woah, I can only imagine half of how it feels to be rejected like that. I mean, Jongdae didn't technically reject me, right? Right? But I could definitely still empathize with Kim Jongin; how I felt post my confession was pretty darn horrible too. But Kim Jongin- Kim Jongin got a straight up "no".

 

But is it selfish that I don't feel any better, even though I realize it could have been much, much worse?

 

---

Friday

Three days since the confession and I haven't heard a single thing about Jongdae. I would have asked Kim Jongin yeseterday but I didn't want to make it all about me when he was expressing sadness about what had happened with Kyungsoo.

Speaking of Kyungsoo, I actually saw him today, and not just in class. I saw him and Luhan at lunch. Minseok hyung, on the other hand, is still AWOL.

"So you guys have been studying a lot, eh?" I greeted as I slid on the lunch table bench.

"Well he has," Kyungsoo gestured to Luhan, who had his nose buried in between two textbooks at once. "I admittedly haven't been working to my full potential."

I opened my mouth, about to start a discussion on how he felt about the whole thing with Kim Jongin, but closed it once more, as perhaps I had touched enough of the topic already. For now.

Also, Baekhyun was on his way over with Chanyeol chatting animatedly beside him. Yup, this was something they needed to sort out later. I'm all for watching drama unfold, but not all the time.

Chanyeol, on the other hand, appeared to be. At least today.

 

"HEY BAEKHYUN THERE'S THAT BOY YOU LIKE AHAHAHA!"

 

Tao, who was sitting at a table at close proximity from us with Sehun and some other guys (Kim Jongin not among them today), turned around and judged Chanyeol very hard. Baekhyun gritted his teeth and avoided Kyungsoo's gaze. It wouldn't have mattered anyway because Kyungsoo had been avoiding his as well. He immediately grabbed one of the textbooks Luhan had been studying from and pretended to be deeply preoccupied with learning Advanced Calculus that was beyond his comprehension since Luhan, along with Minseok, were a year ahead of the rest of us. Wait, didn't Luhan once say he wasn't the greatest at math? Actually, there is the possibility he had been trying to study from the wrong textbook. That poor soul.

 

"BAEKHYUN HE'S SO SMART LOOK AT HIM STUDYING ADVANCED CALCULUS AREN'T YOU SO PROUD?!"

 

"How the heck do you have a boyfriend and I don't?" was all Baekhyun could mutter after that. He and Chanyeol jumped down at our table, with Baekhyun taking a seat as far away from Kyungsoo as possible, without falling off the bench, that is. Luhan looked up, only now realizing his Advanced Calculus textbook was out of his grasp. He shrugged, then noticed Baekhyun and nudged Kyungsoo. "Look, your boyfriend's here."

Chanyeol cackled and started making kissy faces at the two red-faced boys. And also Luhan and I, by accident, because Chanyeol has terrible aim. Kyungsoo made the mistake of looking up and meeting Baekhyun's eyes. Both of them quickly diverted their gazes elsewhere, more embarressed then they let on.

 

I didn't understand at all. They both knew they both liked each other, right? What was the problem, then? Why didn't they just- wait, did Baekhyun not know that Kyungsoo had rejected Kim Jongin? Oh gosh...

 

"I don't get it," Chanyeol loudly declared what I was thinking. "You guys both like each other. Just make out already."

 

"Chanyeol, why don't you just shut up already?" Baekhyun snapped, actually angry. "Kyungsoo doesn't even like me the way I like him."

I gasped. It was the first time Baekhyun had directly admitted his feelings for Kyungsoo out loud in front of Kyungsoo himself. Chanyeol leaned back, ready to stop jeering, while Luhan shot me a shocked look across the table. I returned the look with an equally surprised one. There was long, awkward pause. Luhan coughed, like it would help in some way or another. Chanyeol slowly bit into his pear. I just looked at Baekhyun. He only stared at Kyungsoo hopefully.

It wasn't hard to tell that he was hoping Kyungsoo would say something, anything, to suggest that what Baekhyun had just stated was incorrect. Wrong. Not right in the slightest way.

But Kyungsoo just sat there, his eyes unmoving from complex variable functions and differential equations. I could tell by the slightly faltering look in his eyes that he definitely heard what Baekhyun had announced.

But he didn't seem to care.

And he didn't say anything.

 

Baekhyun could only try and blink away the crestfallen expression that had stayed on his face for far too long. He put on his best "Pfft, I knew it look" instead.

"...Y-you see?" he stuttered. "Kyungs-s-soo didn't obje-ject. I was r-right."

 

He looked pleadingly at the wide-eyed boy one last time, not wanting to let go of every last bit of hope he had left.

Kyungsoo bit his trembling lip, but he still didn't look up.

 

The final bits and pieces of hope Baekhyun had finally vanished. He forcefully whipped his head away from Kyungsoo and tugged on Luhan's arm. "I, uh, want to show you s-something over th-there. I'll see y-you guys l-later."

Luhan had no choice but to put down his textbook- some crazily thick history one- and follow (and comfort) Baekhyun.

 

Shocked, I poked Kyungsoo in the elbow. "What the heck was that?"

Chanyeol nodded, equally appalled. "Yeah! He outwardly confessed his love for you- which you reciprocate- and you just leave him thinking he was right in thinking you don't like him back!"

"..."

"...Do you like him back?"

"..."

"...Oh shoot, were we wrong and you don't-"

"Of course I like him."

 

Chanyeol and I were both about to scream. Chanyeol opened his mouth first. "THEN WHY-"

 

"I'm scared, okay?" Kyungsoo closed the Calculus textbook with a thud! I raised an eyebrow and Chanyeol did the same. Kyungsoo inhaled sharply through his nose. "Maybe it's just easier to pretend I don't reciprocate because what if we get together and we break up? He's one of my best friends; I can't take the risk."

 

"Because you think he's not worth it?" was the next thing that came out of my mouth.

 

Kyungsoo opened his mouth, then closed it, then opened it again. "Well-"

 

"You can't be scared of the outcome if you don't even know for sure what it will be. You're only picturing the negative side. And even if that's the side that ends up as the result, so what? You guys have been friends long enough that I'll bet he's going to try and salvage what's left of the friendship even after if and when you break up."

 

Chanyeol nodded in agreement.

"If he can take a chance, why can't you?"

 

Kyungsoo looked us both in the eyes. "So you think I should go for it anyw-"

"YES!" Chanyeol rolled his eyes and I buried my face in my hands in frusturation.

 

"..."

 

"..."

 

"...Excuse me..." Kyungsoo slowly got up from the table. 

"That's what I thought," I smiled to myself, as he nearly ran over an equally satisfied Chanyeol in his determined rush towards the cafeteria doors.

 

...

 

I thought of something else later that night. Would Jongdae try to salvage what was left of our friendship? I mean, if I was being perfectly honest, I unfortunately could picture Jongdae ignoring me forever. I saw how mad he was when he accused me of the confession being a prank.

How long would it take for him to realize that yes, it was way more than probable for somebody to seriously like him and act on it for real?

 

---

Saturday

Like every other Saturday ever, I had planned to sleep in. However, at approximately ten o'clock in the morning, I was awoken with what felt like a hundred thousand rings of my doorbell.

Yawning, I made myself look slightly more presentable and groggily headed downstairs to answer whatever rudeness that was awaiting on the other side of the door.

I don't know what I was expecting but it definitely wasn't a grinning Wu Yifan wearing a lei and holding several-not even, say, two, but several- pina coladas in his large fists.

 

"Aloha, Yixing!" he exclaimed excitedly.

 

Part of me wondered if I was still dreaming.

 

"You're not dreaming, Yixing!"

 

Okay, never mind. Still, it would be easier for me to slam the door and go back to-

 

"And don't you dare slam the door on me!" Yifan scolded, putting on his scariest expression. I grimaced and inched the door open wider. It's the intimidating Yifan effect.

 

"So-"

 

"So, you're probably really confused and sleep-deprived," Yifan correctly assumed.

 

"...I can't say you're wrong," I shrugged. "Why are you h-"

 

"I'm here because you need a vacation!"

 

"What? Ge, what-"

 

"Baekhyun told me what happened with Jongdae. I'm glad you took my advice and confessed to him, though!"

 

"..."

 

"Anyways, Baekhyun thought I'd be able to help. And how right he was!" Yifan pulled me by the arm towards his car, nearly spilling over the pina coladas in his hands. "You gotta learn how to relax! And I can totally help you with that!"

"I didn't even know you met Baekhyun," I commented as Yifan opened the passenger door and shoved me in.

"I met him when Joonmyeon brought him and Kyungsoo over to check out the dorm. It was the same day you ran away from me, in fact," Yifan smirked, "They came over after you."

 

I scoffed. Yifan continued, "I could tell they were also in need of a vacation. So I took them on a mini one the next day. We all wanted to bring you along, so- I don't know if you remember this- they broke into your house-"

 

"I remember."

 

"Yeah, and I guess they ended up getting distracted or something because you didn't come along!" Yifan pouted. Oh gosh, that's terrifying and I've never seen that expression on him before, nor do I have any desire to see it again.

 

"So yeah, you definitely need to get out more. And "out" is where we're going!" Yifan started the engine.

 

"Like out on a date?" I questioned stupidly.

 

Yifan shook his head. "Of course not! You shouldn't be getting out that way with different people if you still like Jongdae. Which you do."

 

"...No one can deny that..." I mumbled under my breath.

 

"...So what do you say? Come hang out with me in a platonic but mysterious setting?"

 

I thought about it for a shorter time than I should have.

 

"Eh, why not?"

 

"Great!"

 

"Just let me finish writing this one thing..."

 

---

 

"And I guess he didn't write anymore after that, " Baekhyun closed the book quietly. "He just left it here, on his sundeck. At least he left the gate open so we could get in and find more clues on where he went."

Minseok pinched the bridge of his nose. "I can't believe we read his diary! We invaded his privacy."

"At least we didn't read the whole thing," Sehun pointed out, "...Not all of us saw everything, anyway."

Joonmyeon folded his arms and sighed. "He hasn't been answering our calls and texts. It's been days and we still don't know where he went with Yifan."

Chanyeol nodded in agreement, his arm around Joonmyeon. Beside them, Jongin furrowed his brow, as worried as everyone else in the room. Kyungsoo kicked at an imaginary pebble, his hand interwined with Baekhyun's. Minseok looked around the room, like he was searching for a specific person. "I get the feeling Tao should be here."

"I called him twice. No answer," Sehun responded. "You're right, though; I have the feeling he may know something."

From across the room, Luhan sighed. He turned his head towards the shocked boy sitting adjacent to him. "How are you feeling, Jongdae?"

Jongdae buried his head in his hands. "Like somehow this might be my fault."

Luhan smiled a bit sadly. "It's not. We all make mistakes."

Jongdae tilted his head up to look at the older boy. "I can't even feel flattered that he liked me so much if it led to this. Him disappearing and everything."

"Likes," Luhan corrected, "He still likes you. He always has."

"But I didn't believe him and now he's who knows where."

Luhan started to stand up, offering a hand to Jongdae as he did so. "What are you going to tell him when we find him?"

"I'm sorry I have low self-esteem?"

Luhan raised an eyebrow. "Do you like him, Jongdae?"

Jongdae laughed bitterly. Luhan raised his other eyebrow. "Jongdae-"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Yeah, I do. Of course I do."

 

 

---