Kai's POV

Omma said regrets were 'moral residue.' Like something hard to remove got stuck on you when you did something against your better judgement. I didn't understand it until I did something wrong myself, now the residue seems impossible to remove, like an indelible stain on my cerebral cortex.

Now and then I struck my forehead and heart like a man demented, with cries of anguish, curses and lamentations.

I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around my shins; if I could just curl up into a ball, I wouldn't have to face real life, I'd be protected from everything around me.
But I'd still have to live with myself, with the wretched memories swirling around in my head. My eyes, already red and puffy from crying, squeezed shut to push more tears out. I let my head fall down to my knees, and I pulled my legs closer to me.
No matter what I did, there was no where I could hide from the thoughts in my head.

I ball up the front of my shirt, stuff it into my mouth, and began to scream. How long this continued, I didn’t know. But when I stopped, my voice was almost gone.

Up till now, I still did not understand why I did that.

Hana’s words kept ringing in my head.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

In my heart I retract all the bad things I ever said, they were never a reflection on you, only on my inner demons. You worked hard and I only saw what you could not do. I wish you were still by my side, that I could make amends, that it was me you snuggled with after dark. 

I've seen a bigger goldfish eating at a smaller one. It pecks at the scales until it's kind of and vulnerable to infections. That's how the regret was getting me; it's taking a little bit of my defences at a time. It came in waves, what I should have done or said differently, what I shouldn't have done at all. I can't undo it, but could I make it right. I just don't know. All I could do was try.

I had to get my sister back.

I paused. I had no idea where she was. She could be anywhere by now.

I rummaged through the drawers, desperate to find clues that might hint me about her whereabouts. Worksheets, report book, storybooks, stationaries. Those were useless.

She still wrote diaries right?

Without hesitation, I dug through her clothes before reaching a secret compartment in her wardrobe. I smiled to myself in satisfaction.

I ran my hands over the different sizes of Hana’s diaries. She had been writing them ever since omma died. She would rather keep her feelings to herself than share it with me.

Memories began flooding.  I sighed deeply and began flipping through the pages of Hana’s latest diaries.

Dear diary,

I met Sehun oppa today. He is so hot. He treats me so nicely. Even better he asked me to be his girlfriend. I accepted it without thinking much. That was the best decision I ever made in my life.

 I wish that I and he could be together forever. I didn’t ever think I’d ever meet a boy who could turn my world upside down and change me, but he came into my life and I fell. Hard I might add.

I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I want to have kids with him and watch them grow up. I want to live a long life and grow old with you.

Am I insane to want that?

And diary, don’t ask me about oppa. He went home late again. Most probably, he is having the time of his life hooking up with girls.

Dear diary,

I heard JongIn oppa coughing. I think he thought that I was asleep. He looked like he lost some weight. Is he sick? I wished I knew. I felt apologetic towards oppa. He must have suffered a lot.

I saw him at Mrs Choi restaurant. He looked so tired. I regretted for saying bad things about him in my previous entry.

I wanted to apologise to him so badly. I didn’t have the courage too.

I hope that there will still be plenty of time for me to do that.