A/N: Please bear with me. This is a long chapter, and the following is even longer. Some of the parts will remain the same but I promise you the perspective is different and (hopefully) interesting. I love you all thank you for sticking around. ;_;

He heard a scream and he whipped his head around. He paused in the middle of the street, because Chanyeol had been hurt. His hands came up to his mouth and he gasped. Chanyeol was lying on the ground near the curb, the motorcyclist had long fallen over but Baekhyun didn’t care about him. Chanyeol was staring at him up from the ground and his mouth was opening and closing in pain, blood trickled from his hair and rolled down to his eye, forcing it shut.

He stepped forward anxiously. He didn’t care if this man had just hurt him, because right now he had been hurt. Really hurt. Right in front of Baekhyun’s eyes he was in pain, and he didn’t care what had been done to him anymore.

He heard the truck before he saw it. Tires squealed and a woman screamed. And when he turned his head to look there was so much pain. Agony he’d never felt before wracked his body. He was thrown through the air and barely noticed when he landed in a heap upon the street. He convulsed in terror when everything started going black. He was going to die, he realized in an instant. Whether it was the blood, or death, something warm covered his body and he was left with one last waking thought.

Chanyeol…

While he slept his mind slipped back. It took him back years into the past.

He was suddenly sitting on his living room floor. He was eleven again, only a child. And he was watching TV. The men on the screen in front of him shared a passionate kiss and he felt his own cheeks heat up. He wasn’t embarrassed at them, but more at himself, for thinking that it seemed nice.

But then in an instant the TV was off and his dad was standing in the room, staring at his son and fuming. Baekhyun had never been so scared in his life up to that point as his dad screamed at him. He knew instantly that what he had just seen was very wrong indeed. That he was doing a bad thing by watching that show.

Yet in his heart, he felt hurt that his dad had yelled at him for it. He didn’t think anything was wrong. So was he wrong for thinking that way? It felt right. So was something inside him inherently wrong?

Before that day he’d never really heard the word gay, nor understood its meaning. What he learned that to be gay was wrong. That it was socially unacceptable and disgusting. The next day he learned that he was gay.

After his dad had scolded him about the show’s improprieties and why what they were doing was wrong, his attention to the boys in his class suddenly made a lot more sense. He knew that boys were supposed to like girls, but he never found himself thinking about them, unless they talked to boys he was friends with. Then, he felt something else. A burning in his chest. Jealousy never made sense until that day.

For the first, but not the only time in his life, Baekhyun wished he had been born a woman. He didn’t think he could handle being a girl, but he envied their privilege, the privilege to lean just a little too close to his friend.

That day he realized that those strong feelings of friendship he thought he had, were actually a crush. He was disgusted with himself. His dad said people like him were disgusting, and his mom felt the same. She had gone on for an hour after the incident about what gay people were like. She’d heard that some of their neighbors were lesbians and they were just terrible people. The nerve of them wanting to raise a child together.

It was at that moment he truly began living in fear. He wouldn’t go near the boys in his class, choosing to hang out with the girls instead. In the end he earned a loser’s reputation and they stayed away from him naturally. It hurt, but he was safe.

He poured his feelings into the piano, but soon that was taken from him too. He was left with nothing to distract him and he couldn’t take it as his feelings grew stronger. When he found that he could play on the school piano he instantly jumped on the chance.

Any chance to play, he instantly took. It was his form of rebellion. Chanyeol was right when he’d said that his job was kind of a “ you” to his parents. He couldn’t openly admit it, but he was tired of their restrictions. It was only later he realized that anyone would be.

Maybe that’s why he’d immediately jumped at the chance to tutor the boy sitting next to him. He had rational reasons lined up. He needed the money, it would help him to learn the subject matter even while he taught, the man next to him would learn. But those were all excuses.

When Sehun had strolled in late he’d thought the tall thin boy was cute, and he’d covered a blush that rose to his cheeks as the boy passed him and walked to the back of the room. But when Chanyeol had walked in after him, the moment he stood in the door, Baekhyun had looked up and his breath had been completely taken away at the sight of him. He was extremely good looking, almost beautiful, and he stood tall. His red-brown hair was sticking up wildly, probably from sleeping.

Why had he never noticed such a guy in class before? He knew he shouldn’t, but he hoped silently that the tall man would sit in the empty seat beside him.

He almost squeaked when the man lumbered towards the seat next to him, but he quickly turned his head back down to his notes, pretending to pay attention.

He stole furtive glances when the man plopped down next to him, watching as he dug hastily through his messy backpack. Maybe he didn’t know it himself, but as he scratched his head in frustration he mumbled cutely to himself. He didn’t have a pen.

He wasn’t thinking, he just acted, and when he spoke and held out a pen the boy slowly looked up at him with his wide eyes. His ears were rather large too, and Baekhyun decided he looked like an elf. He couldn’t help but smile at him.

He was enchanted, and even more delighted when the boy talked to him. It almost seemed like they were flirting, but it had to be his imagination. They were caught talking, and he made his proposition moments later. To his surprise the wide-eyes boy agreed and he cancelled his plans with his girlfriend instantly. The rest of the day was all laughter and music and nervous eyes.

Tutoring him was just an excuse, an excuse to be near the tall boy with the doe eyes. He was doing something dangerous right now, but he couldn’t help it. He just had to talk to him one more time. But one more time turned into one more time, and another after that. And then they were friends.

He realized with horror that he was falling for the smiling giant. He was ignoring every warning his brain gave him. He was being an idiot he knew. He was risking everything for something that would surely never come to fruition. But he couldn’t help but think that Chanyeol liked him too.

When Chanyeol picked him up from his house after their fight, he thought maybe. He was so happy that that was the first time he got drunk. He remembered Miseon breaking up with him and feeling relieved, like a chain had been loosened on his shackles. Then he fell asleep and had a good dream. In the dream Chanyeol was there with him, taking care of him. He brought him to his house and laid with him on his bed.

It was just a dream, so why not touch him while he could? He grasped onto the warm body next to him and snuggled into his back. He hoped that he would always dream like this from now on.

He had been hugged before of course, by girls. He’d been kissed by them before too. But his body had never responded the way it did when he felt Chanyeol press his chest into his back.

They were alone in the practice room, and he couldn’t help but imagine them like puzzle pieces. The way they touched and sang together felt and sounded so amazing he couldn’t believe it was true. It was at that moment when the song ended, when silence filled the room that he had realized he was in love with him. That everything was really true. He was gay. He was inexplicably in love with a man. In love with his friend. In love with Chanyeol.

But he couldn’t. He had to break it before someone broke him. He smashed his fingers down heavily on the keyboard and broke the spell.

He trusted him. He told him everything. He told him his dreams and his ambitions. Maybe Chanyeol didn’t notice at the time, but when they sat on the stage, and he said that he liked him, he meant it. He really told him everything. But the last part was really a secret. He couldn’t help it. When Chanyeol said he liked him, even if he didn’t mean it the same way, Baekhyun said he liked him too.

“Because believe it or not, Byun Baekhyun, I do like you.”

Baekhyun elbowed him in the ribs again but it was soft and he could feel his expression becoming shy, “And I like you too, Park Chanyeol.”

It was like a weight was lifted off of his shoulders and he smiled in satisfaction. He’d finally said it out loud, even if the other party didn’t realize it.

He had to get Chanyeol something perfect for his birthday. It took the strange old man at the shop longer than he thought to hand-carve the pick, but then again he did have to make two. Baekhyun would never admit it, but he’d bought himself one as well. He was being incredibly stupid and girlish, but he made them matching couple necklaces. Even if they weren’t a couple, he would always remember what it meant to him and the feelings behind it.

He rushed to Chanyeol’s house thinking he was late, but found the two of them all alone. He didn’t know why but he felt awkward. It wasn’t like they’d never been alone together before, but today was different. Chanyeol seemed nervous and Baekhyun couldn’t help but shift uncomfortably with him. He noticed that the two of them on the couch together sat close. Much too close.

What was he feeling? The channel changed and a hot and heavy scene flashed by in an instant, but it had served its purpose. He wondered what it would be like to kiss the man next to him. What would his lips feel like? They looked soft.

He didn’t realize he was staring until Chanyeol swiveled his head around, bringing their faces inches apart. Baekhyun knew what was supposed to happen at this point. He’d kissed girls this way, the mood appearing in an instant. He knew he was supposed to, but he’d never felt the urge until now.

There was no mistaking it, Chanyeol was looking at him too. Really looking. He felt like a magnet being pulled forward.

Then suddenly, Sehun was at the door and the party started. The illusion shattered and he was left with only longing. It was that night when he went home that he touched himself for the first time. He wanted so desperately to ignore what he was feeling, but when Chanyeol looked at him too, he hoped for the first time, that maybe a man liked him back.

After that they went back to their normal routine. Finals were approaching and they became busy. They weren’t with each other alone long enough to perturb any kind of unsettled feelings, but Baekhyun could see that Chanyeol was stressed about something. He was worried, and though it was childish he wrote him an encouraging note, doodling his feelings around the edges.

Though he’d asked for Chanyeol to tell him, he was overcome with a strange sense of foreboding when Chanyeol passed him back a note. He avoided leaving as long as he could, checking his test three times, four times over, never settling the sickening feeling growing in his stomach.

On the way to the room he reminded himself of what he was. What it meant to be this way. He hoped to god that Chanyeol returned his feelings, but even more than that he hoped he didn’t. He was gross and disgusting, he couldn’t let the man he loved be treated like that too. He never wanted Chanyeol to feel that kind of pain and isolation.

He was worried when Chanyeol paced the floor in front of him. He felt nauseas when Chanyeol started to sing to him. He saw the look in his eyes when they looked at each other.

It couldn’t be true. He begged him to stop.

Don’t look at me like that.

You can’t be like me too.

I’ll only hurt you.

Stop. Please.

I love you.

Chanyeol took a wide stride forward and stood over him, “Baekhyun, I’m in love with you. I know it’s crazy. I know I’m crazy but I’m mad about you!”

He groaned, “Don’t say that.” You can’t love me. I’m not worthy of this. You can’t love me when I’m like this.

“Why?” he choked.

“Because you can’t. This is wrong,” a tear slipped from his eye and he stepped away again but Chanyeol didn’t follow. “You’re no good!”  No! That’s not what I want to say. It’s me! I’m no good for you. Leave me behind. “I…I c-can’t see you anymore. Goodbye,” Baekhyun his heel and darted for the door, slamming it shut.

He never cried so hard in his life as he did on that park bench. Even in the stinging chill of winter he didn’t care. His heart had never been so broken before.

He had hurt Chanyeol. But more than that, if Chanyeol loved him, people would think he was gross. They would think he was disgusting. He couldn’t let that happen. He couldn’t see him anymore. He wouldn’t. They wouldn’t even be friends.

Of course his parents wouldn’t notice his emotions, but he marched into the house and begged them to give him a job over break. They were over joyed at his interest in the company and Baekhyun wanted to cry all over again.

He was scared Chanyeol would find him again, so with shaking fingers he called his boss and quit. His boss was highly disappointed, but assured him he could return whenever he wanted.

He yelped when the phone rang almost immediately after he set it down. A picture of Chanyeol flashed across the screen and he moaned and cried. I’m sorry, he cried as he ignored the call.

Every time he would call, the ringing would break his heart. Eventually he blocked the number. But that didn’t stop him. Chanyeol even came to their door. His mom eagerly told him who was at the gate but he urged her to send him away and she frowned immediately, getting his father.

He watched out his window and his dad shooed him away. Chanyeol looked sadly up at the building and Baekhyun swore that for a moment he made eye contact. But he hurriedly hid. He waited a moment before peeking out the window again, only to see Chanyeol walking far away. His shoulders slumped.

He didn’t feel like he was really living anymore. He spent all day at his father’s company. He barely ate and he barely slept. At night all he did was cry. He wondered how long it would be before he would stop. It was like he was made of water or something.

When you finally let someone into your life and have them there, their absence becomes bitterly apparent. You never know what you have until it’s gone.

Without Chanyeol in his life he had no one. He had no friends to speak to, no one who knew what was going on, and certainly no one to share his secrets with. His parents were no consolation. They hardly noticed anything amiss other than Baekhyun’s sudden interest in the family business.

He missed Chanyeol, he really did. Was what he was doing worth it? He had made Chanyeol sad, and he himself was drowning in despair. Wasn’t his happiness important too? He wanted his parents to be happy with him, and doing that meant staying away from Chanyeol. But they didn’t have to know…

They didn’t have to know.

The thought sprung into his head one day, almost out of nowhere. He was an idiot. He kicked himself mentally. Didn’t someone always say, what they don’t know won’t hurt them.

I can do this. I can do this. He thought over and over again.

Could it really be this simple? People told him often that