All girls have their own ideal man. For me, I want someone who's taller than me, someone who's witty, rich (or probably middle class), has a nice car and someone who can make me feel excited and happy all the time when we're together.

And those characteristics would perfectly fit with my first love - Mark Tuan.

But love when it comes to me. Or maybe I do. Maybe I wasn't the charming girl that would catch his attention.

Or maybe he's too perfect for me that I am not worthy to have him.

And now I'm stuck here at the school's library, reading my Social Psychology book about theories of love and wondering if I would encounter such thing as romantic love, pragmatic love, companionate love, passion, intimacy, etc. This topic is just odd, I wonder why I took BS Psychology when I couldn't even explain my own issues.

"Jinri, you've been stressing yourself out with your advanced reading since Mark told you that he already has a girlfriend!" My friend, Hyemin nagged. Yes, she was a total nagger, worse than my mom.

"Shut up, okay? You're not helping! I was reading these theories of love and the only person I think about is him! I'm trying not to, but I can't! And now you even have the guts to mention his name!" I tried to keep my voice as low and soft as I can.

"What did that Mark Tuan done to you that you can't get over him?! I mean, he never even talked to you nor did he become your close friend. Why are you trying so hard to look good for him? You're supposed to try to look good for yourself. He's not so cool, Jinri! He's just a smart introvert and I think he is a boring person,"

"Mark talked to me the last time we bumped into each other, okay? Plus he was my crush since we were kids!" I defended.

"And that talk only broke your heart! He's a total jerk, he knows how much you like him ever since you were kids, but how could he tell you that he already has a girlfriend!"

"Gosh, Hyemin! He probably forgot about that! He probably thought those feelings were just a simple crush that could fade away in time!" I got my book and stood from my chair.

Hyemin held my wrist to stop me from walking out. "I'm celebrating my birthday party tomorrow night, in case you forget,"

I chuckled. "Hyemin, Mark only broke my heart, not my brain okay? So don't you worry, you'll be seeing me partying hard with you tomorrow,"

"Great, I'll see you tomorrow then! Don't forget my gift!" Hyemin reminded.

I raised my two thumbs up and giggled as I walked out of the library.


Being heart broken isn't as easy as you think. One moment, you're enjoying the company of your friends. And then another moment...

"WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO PERFECT?!"

You're stuck in your room crying about everything you feel about the guy who broke your heart. The man of your dreams. That one man you can't have.

My mom quickly walked inside my room and hugged me. "Dear, what's happening?!"

"Eomma... I feel so ugly," I sniffed. "And don't tell me that I'm pretty. Of course you're my mom and you would tell me that I'm better than his girlfriend!"

"You are... The ugliest person I met and you have to deal with that face because you should be loved just the way you are!" My mom pushed me away. "Are you happy now?"

I continued crying because what she said was right. But why?!

"You have to help yourself, Jinri. I am trying to help you as your mom. He's not the one for you, alright?"

"He is just so perfect, like my ideal man!"

"But you don't need a perfect man once you're married. You'll need someone who would make you happy all the time, the person who would lift you up in the bad times and the person who would stay with you even if things were falling apart. That's real love. And if he only gives you flutters, that's no love dear, that's only infatuation,"

I feel embarrassed. This was what my Social Psychology book was saying about theories of love. And my mom, who isn't a psychologist, understands the concept of love.

"Do you want to go to karaoke? Let's sing all those feelings out!" Mom said and pulled me out of the house.

It's going to be a long night I guess.



The next night, I headed off to the bar where Hyemin's going to celebrate her 21st birthday party.

"Jinri! I am so worried that you wouldn't come! Why are you late?" Hyemin asked.

"I had to be pretty tonight because I'm like the best friend of the celebrant!" We both giggled. "Happy birthday, Hyemin!" I said as I gave her my present. I can't wait to see her reaction.

"Jinri, you came!" Chen, Hyemin's boyfriend, hugged me. "I heard what happened from Hyemin,"

Hyemin quickly nudged Chen's arm. "How dare you talk about him?! Can you just hang out with your friends for a while?"

"Babe," Chen called and wrapped his arm around Hyemin. "You will love me even more tonight. Come Jinri, I'll let you meet some of my friends," He said and winked at Hyemin.

"What the heck are you planning?" I asked.

"You might like one of them," Chen said, giving me a quirky look.

"No way, I'm not as desperate as you think," I crossed my arms.

"Alright, if you don't want to, then I'll let you go and party with my girlfriend,"

"Yeah, that's better," Hyemin said and pulled me away. "Sorry about him, he's sort of weird,"

"I know," I chuckled. But she loves him and he loves him. What's so different about that and me liking someone?

No, stop it, Jinri! You're at a party! You should stop being depressed.

We both sat on a table with some of our friends. "Drinks?" Hyemin offered.

"Sure, I want some margarita," I said.

"Two glasses of margarita please," Hyemin ordered to the bartender. It was both our favorite.

The night was young and so are we. We all drank, danced to the DJ's mixes and laughed to each other's stories.

I felt my feet tired from walking and dancing with heels, so I chose to stay on our table.

"One glass of vodka please," I asked the bartender. He passed a glass to me and I drank it all up, as if it was just water. Why do I suddenly feel depressed again?

I walked out of the club and suddenly felt dizzy. Probably because of the strobe lights from the club. I took my heels off and leaned on a wall, checking my phone. No messages. It's a life of a single lady. No one thinking about you. Just your family.

I was inhaling the seemingly intoxicating wind of being alone outside the pub. I see couples flirt with each other, kiss and hug under the stars. And then someone caught my attention.

A man suddenly played his guitar in front of me.

I crossed my arms because he played it well.

"You seem a little bit lonely tonight," The man said.

I looked at him, as if telling him that I don't know who he is. His voice was too deep, it sounded like it came from the soles of his feet. I felt a little nervous. People nowadays can't be trusted, and I am really dizzy. How stupid of me to go out of the club alone and drunk?

"Are you alright? I was going to play a song for Hyemin later, but I saw you walk out of the club... I'm Park Chanyeol, by the way," He offered a hand out.
 

But she knows Hyemin... "Oh, are you her friend?" I asked.

"No, I'm his boyfriend's bandmate," He said.

"Chen has a band? I didn't know that," I crossed my arms, giving him a suspicious look. I wasn't trying to be rude but I saw his hand still waiting for me to shake it.

He smiled. "It's a surprise for Hyemin. Don't tell her yet, okay? Chen's our vocalist. And then... there's Lay hyung as our lead guitarist, and Ten's our bassist. I'm the drummer. But I chose to play the guitar today since it was some sort of a 'serenade' song,"

I looked at him from head to toe. He was so tall that I had to bend my head backward to look at him. He had almond eyes, and awkward long legs. But he looks good... I mean, handsome...

I laughed. "If Chen asked you to come here, it's fine I don't need anybody,"

"Why would Chen ask me to be here?" He asked, with his eyebrows furrowing like an innocent child.

Oops. So did he really just notice me?

"Uhm... Y-Your plan sounds good, Chanyeol... I'm Kwon Jinri by the way," I finally shook his hand and smiled.