04.20.2014 Sunday

Dear Diary,

The date of my therapy is almost near. I do not want to give in to the hope that I would be cured completely. The cancer cells is slowly showing its’ presence. I’ve had a lot of head-splitting headaches lately and I sometimes wake up not remembering my name. The feeling is so unnerving. Your very own name, forgotten. It’s like forgetting yourself. You being a human. You being a girl or boy. You being.. well.. YOU. Am I even making sense now? For some certain protocol I have come to agree with myself, I wrote my name and my family’s on a post-it and stuck it on the mirror adjacent to my drawer. I worry that one day I would wake up and forget my whole identity like I got amnesia. It’s a good thing that after a few minutes (or sometimes hours if I woke up on the wrong side of the bed) my memory and recollection of everything comes back. But what I’m really worried about is that I would lose my visual image of the people I love. I took out the picture of my parents from my drawer and placed it in front of the mirror with the post-it. Believe it or not, I actually put my sketch of Chanyeol below the memo just to remind me that I should fight a bit sometimes and also so that I won’t be able to remove his annoying face out of my mind.

Last week at the hospital the doctors talked to me like I was an incognizant child who can’t handle death. They spewed hopes and promises that I would live a cancer cell-free life after the surgery. Bull. Even I know that some surgeries go wrong and they have table deaths. Surgeons are not the same with God. They can’t save everyone. My type of cancer is brain cancer grade three. Apparently, they classified brain cancer into grades. Mine is a three as I have previously mentioned. My tumour is one heck of a serious . If not treated immediately I could die. It’s a good thing Mom and Dad visited Korea last week and brought me to the hospital as soon as I said I had frequent headaches. I learned that the tumour I had was in the right side of my brain and has remained malignant for the past two years until recently. Mom and Dad tapped in to all their connections to find a reliable surgeon to operate and conduct therapies on me. Fortunately,