Yoochun continued to hold onto Jaejoong even after he’d stopped crying. He knew of no other way he could comfort Jaejoong. Anything he could think of to say to him, which wasn’t much, was wrong. So he stood there in the kitchen and rocked Jaejoong back and forth, and every so often he would mutter things like “It’s okay” and “I’m here for you” into Jaejoong’s ear. He knew they were worthless words, but saying them made him feel better, like he was actually doing something to assuage Jaejoong’s hurt.

When Yoochun heard footsteps approaching the kitchen, he closed his eyes briefly and prayed for patience.

“What’s going on in here?” Yunho asked. He shot a pointed look at Yoochun, expecting an answer, but Yoochun refused to rise to the bait.

Jaejoong pulled away from Yoochun and turned to face Yunho. “Nothing is happening,” he said, his voice shaking. “We were just talking.”

Yunho approached Jaejoong. With each step he took, the lead-singer’s shoulders tensed up more and more. Yunho scrutinized Jaejoong’s face closely. “Have you been crying?”

“No,” Jaejoong lied.

Yunho sighed. “Please don’t lie to me, Jaejoong.”

“I’m not lying,” Jaejoong said hotly, his ire rising.

Yunho stepped even closer to Jaejoong. He grabbed the lead-singer’s chin in his hand and tilted his head up towards the light, forcing Jaejoong to look him in the eyes. Jaejoong tried to wrench out of Yunho’s hold but his grip was too strong.

“Let go of me,” Jaejoong said, his voice quiet and dangerous. Yunho ignored him.

“Stop lying to me and I will,” Yunho said.

“I said let go of me!” Jaejoong yelled. He pushed Yunho hard and he went stumbling into the counter behind him. Yunho stared at Jaejoong in shock for a few seconds then, with a low growl, he stormed towards the lead-singer and shoved him against the wall, pinning him there with his body. Yoochun moved to pull Yunho off of Jaejoong, thinking the argument had gone on long enough, but was held back by a hand on his shoulder. He turned to berate Changmin, angry that he had been stopped from interfering but paused when Changmin held up a finger to his lips.

“Let them fight it out,” Changmin whispered. “There’s nothing we can do.”

Yoochun turned to watch the fight unfolding in front of him, torn between his desire to help Jaejoong and the knowledge that it was none of his business. This wasn’t his fight.

“What is wrong with you?” Yunho spat.

“Nothing! Why can’t you just leave me alone?”

“Because I know you, Jaejoong. I know when you’re lying to me. Tell me what’s wrong. Why were you crying?”

Jaejoong tried to get away from him but Yunho pushed him back. He dug his fingers deep into the muscle and tissue of Jaejoong’s shoulders to keep him in place. Jaejoong winced at the pain but refused to back down.

“Don’t pretend like you’re worried about me, Yunho.”

“What are you talking about? Of course I’m worried about you!”

“No, you’re not. You’re only worried because you think I’ll destroy our group’s image. Nobody is allowed to be unhappy because then the world will see we’re not as perfect as we’re supposed to be.” Jaejoong was ranting and he knew he wasn’t making a lot of sense, but he couldn’t stop. Everything he had thought and felt over the last few weeks was rushing out of him, like a dam had broken somewhere inside of him. He had to admit, it felt good to speak his mind. It was a cleansing feeling. “You care more about the music and the fame more than you care about any of us!”

Yunho saw a flash of red and raised his fist. Jaejoong’s head snapped to the side. A thick blanket of silence descended upon everything and everyone in the kitchen. The air suddenly felt thick, stifling and cloying. Jaejoong slowly raised a hand to his cheek and prodded the tender spot with his fingertips. He then turned shocked eyes on Yunho who stood in front of him still, his chest rising and falling harshly with each deep breath he took. His hand was still raised. The knuckles were swollen and one had been bloodied where it got caught on the sharp edge of Jaejoong’s tooth.

“You hit me,” Jaejoong said quietly. He couldn’t believe what just happened. His cheek stung and the echo of flesh against flesh still reverberated through his head. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Yoochun and Changmin standing next to each other, and Junsu was in the doorway. Knowing that everybody had witnessed the scene suddenly made Jaejoong feel panicked. He wanted to bolt, but there was a wall behind him and Yunho’s unyielding anger in front of him. There was nowhere for him to go. He was trapped.

Jaejoong snapped. Every muscle in his body tensed up and locked until he was as stiff as a board. His lips began to quiver and his pulse began to race. His mind felt fuzzy and he no longer knew what was happening. All he was of aware of was his desperate need to get away from Yunho. He made a move to leave but once again, Yunho shoved him hard against the wall behind him and pinned him there with his strong hands and steely gaze.

“I’m so sick of hearing you accuse me of not caring about you, Jaejoong! You can’t fathom how much I care about you!”

Jaejoong stared at him. Yunho’s lips were moving but Jaejoong couldn’t hear a single word he was saying. Everything felt so fuzzy, like he was experiencing things through a thick cloud of cotton. A sick feeling was beginning to climb his esophagus and he could taste something bitter in the back of his throat. He felt like he would throw up.

He couldn’t breathe.

Yunho had stopped talking. Now instead of looking at Jaejoong with contempt and anger in his eyes, he looked worried, scared almost.

“Jaejoong?”

Jaejoong opened his mouth to answer Yunho’s enquiry but nothing came out. He gasped and sputtered. His breath was caught in his chest.

He began to hyperventilate.

“Jaejoong, breathe!”

Jaejoong collapsed against Yunho’s chest. All he could hear around him was Yunho’s pleas and the others’ questions. Hands were on his back, his arms, and his chest.

He tried one last time to speak. “Please, just let go of me,” he whispered. In shock, Yunho let his arms fall to his sides. Yoochun rushed forward and grabbed Jaejoong’s arm. He pulled Jaejoong away from Yunho and began to lead him towards their bedroom. Before they left the kitchen, Yoochun turned to glare at Yunho and Yunho shrank away from him. He had never seen Yoochun look at him like that before.

Junsu and Changmin followed Yoochun and Jaejoong, but when they got to their bedroom they found Yoochun had locked the door. They began to bang on it, pleading for Yoochun to let them in. Yunho was left alone in the kitchen. He stared down at the hand he’d hit Jaejoong with. He balled his fingers into a fist then spun on his heel, grabbed his coat from its peg on the wall, and left the apartment, slamming the door behind him.

----

It took Yoochun a while to calm Jaejoong down from his panic attack. When they heard the apartment door slam shut, Yoochun had been forced to pin Jaejoong to the bed so he didn’t go after Yunho. Jaejoong had shouted at Yoochun to let him go, and Yoochun had shouted at him that Yunho wasn’t worth it. This had all been over the yells of Junsu and Changmin who wanted into the bedroom. But now, an hour or so later, Jaejoong lay docile on his bed, his head pillowed on his arms. He was quiet and his eyes were closed, so Yoochun assumed he had fallen asleep.

Yoochun was lying next to him, staring up at the ceiling and counting the cracks in the plaster, wondering just when everything had become so convoluted. Their world was a chaotic one, but the five of them had always been able to manage the stress by sticking together and supporting one another.  But the glue holding them together had begun to crack, and the more Jaejoong and Yunho fought, the bigger the cracks grew. Yoochun knew something had to be done to break the tension before they fell apart completely, but it wasn’t up to him. Only Jaejoong had that power.

Yoochun rolled onto his side toward Jaejoong. A lock of hair had fallen down across Jaejoong’s brow and Yoochun brushed it aside gently. Jaejoong’s eyes fluttered open.

“You’ll have to tell him,” Yoochun said quietly.

“I know,” Jaejoong whispered.

“He really does care about you, Jaejoong.”

“But he will never love me,” Jaejoong said, his voice hollow.