The heavy bass pounded through Yunho as he twisted his body and gyrated to the beat, moving naturally with the music and its intricacies. His blood moved thick and fast through his veins, replacing his frenzied thoughts with exhaustion and dousing the fire raging through him.

Only when he was dancing did he feel in control of himself.

“If I could move my hips like that, I bet I could have anybody I wanted.”

Yunho paused and looked up to meet Heechul’s gaze. “Hyung.”

Heechul shuddered. “Don’t call me that. It makes me sound old.”

Yunho walked over to hit the STOP button on the CD player. “Can I help you?” he asked coolly, turning to regard Heechul.

“Oh, not very friendly,” Heechul commented. “Is that any way to treat your elders?”

Yunho pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. “Heechul, I’m in no mood to indulge you. What are you doing here?”

Heechul shrugged elegantly and moved from his reclined position against the door frame. “I came to assure myself you hadn’t died in here.”

“Not dead, though wishing I was,” Yunho said. He grabbed his water bottle and drank from it greedily, keeping one eye on Heechul the entire time. Being around Heechul always made him feel wary. There was no telling what the older man was up to at any given time.

“Don’t be so melodramatic,” Heechul said.

Yunho rolled his eyes. “Did you come here just to annoy me?”

“Yes, actually,” Heechul said. “But don’t pretend like you aren’t happy to have the company.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Yunho said and turned away from Heechul. He grabbed a damp towel and dabbed at the sweat on his neck.

“I know you’ve been coming here every night, staying for hours, all alone in this big studio. Who are you hiding from, Yunho?”

Yunho met Heechul’s gaze in the mirror, a warning in his eyes; Heechul ignored it.

“I talked to Jaejoong,” Heechul pressed, moving in closer to put his hands on Yunho’s shoulders. “He told me something very interesting.”

Yunho spun on his heel and shoved Heechul away from him. “That’s none of your business,” he growled.

“I made it my business,” Heechul said, not backing down.

“I’m not talking about this,” Yunho said and tried to walk away, but Heechul stopped him.

“Stop running,” Heechul hissed. “When did you become such a coward?”

Yunho stubbornly said nothing, only stared at Heechul menacingly.

“You want to hit me?” Heechul asked quietly and pushed further into Yunho’s space. “Will that make you feel better? Make you feel more like a man?”

“You’re crazy,” Yunho muttered.

“That is the general consensus, yes,” Heechul said.

Yunho shook his head and, unable to resist it, smiled.

“There, that’s better,” Heechul said. “You’re much more handsome when you’re not scowling all the time.”

“What are you doing here,” Yunho repeated, “if not to piss me off?”

“I came to help you, you idiot,” Heechul said, poking Yunho in the chest with one manicured nail.

Yunho scoffed. “I doubt you’d understand.”

“I don’t understand? You have met me, right?”

“Okay, fine, so maybe you have more experience with this sort of thing than I do,” Yunho said. “I still don’t see what help you can offer me.”

“Just talk me through it, Yunho. Who knows, it might help you clarify your thoughts.”

Yunho scowled and began to pace the studio floor in short circles. Heechul watched, amazed. He was used to seeing Yunho composed and in control of himself. Never before had he seen Yunho so close to the edge before; Yunho was unraveling before his eyes.

“Talk to me,” Heechul repeated quietly. He leaned against the floor-length mirror and crossed his arms over his chest, watching Yunho through lidded eyes.

“He drives me crazy, Heechul,” Yunho finally said.

“Possibly because he is crazy,” Heechul said airily.

Yunho groaned and buried his face in his hands, muttered something that sounded like “Why me?” under his breath.

“Jaejoong isn’t crazy,” Yunho said. “He’s--”

“Confusing? Wild? Mysterious?”

“Beautiful,” Yunho whispered, catching Heechul off guard.

“Have you told him that?”

Yunho shook his head. “I can’t,” he said.

“But you can kiss him?”

Yunho glared at him.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Heechul said. “I’m just trying to understand what’s going through your head, Yunho. Help me help you.”

Yunho quit his pacing and collapsed against the full-length mirror, sliding down it to sit at the base of the wall. Heechul sat next to him.

“Yeah, I kissed him,” Yunho said. “Though I wish I hadn’t.”

“Why?”

“Because it only complicated things more,” Yunho said bitterly.

"You told Jaejoong you want to try," Heechul said slowly; Yunho nodded. "What did you mean by that?"

Yunho sighed and let his head fall back against the glass. “I honestly don’t even know. I barely know how I feel about him, let alone what to do about it.”

“How do you feel about him?”

Yunho mulled over the question for a second. “He makes me feel--”

Heechul was unable to resist. “?” He supplied, a devilish smile tugging at his lips.

“Aish. This isn’t funny, Heechul!”

“I don’t know, I find it kind of funny,” Heechul said.

“Some friend you are,” Yunho muttered and moved to get up.

Heechul grabbed him by the back of his shirt and pulled him back down. “Okay, okay, in all seriousness: How do you feel about Jaejoong?”

Yunho looked down at his hands. “It’s like I have fire under my skin, and it’s burning away my sanity,” he said quietly. “Every time I look at him or even just think about him, my blood boils and my heart races, and I wonder sometimes if the only way to douse the fire is to reach out and touch him, grab hold of any part of him I can and cling tightly until the vertigo goes away and I no longer feeling like I’m drowning.”

Heechul stared. “Wow. I didn’t know you knew words like that.”

Yunho groaned. “You see? He makes me want to speak poetry. I don’t know myself anymore, Heechul. It’s like I’ve become some other person.”

“I can see that,” Heechul said, unable to squash down his amusement.

“I don’t want to feel this way, Heechul,” Yunho said, sounding tortured. “It doesn’t feel…natural. And I feel so ashamed and almost…dirty. This, whatever it is, goes against everything I was ever taught; I have betrayed my family, and I’ve betrayed my religion.”

Heechul reached out and squeezed Yunho’s knee. “Yunho, look at me,” he said. When he had Yunho’s full attention, he continued: “You shouldn’t feel ashamed. Just because you have feelings for Jaejoong doesn’t mean you’re dirty, or “unnatural.” Love is love, and a person’s gender shouldn’t have any effect on it.”

“I don’t love Jaejoong,” Yunho muttered.

“Okay, fine. You probably don’t, at least not yet. But you feel something for him.”

“I can’t believe this is happening to me,” Yunho whispered. “I’m not…gay.”

“Oh, Yunho,” Heechul said and patted Yunho’s knee. “uality isn’t black-and-white like that.”

“That’s nice, Heechul, but that doesn’t help me. What do I do?”

“What do you want to do?”

“I want to not feel like this anymore.”

“Why?”

“Because it will never work between us.”

Heechul cocked his head to the side. “Why not?”

Yunho stared at Heechul incredulously. “Because of society. Because of my family. Because I want a family. Because if some netizen got wind of it, our careers would be destroyed. Because Jaejoong drives me ing crazy and I swear, I might kill him some day.”

Heechul raised his hands in surrender. “Okay, so there are a few obstacles standing in your way. But let me ask you something: is he worth it?”

-----

“Is Yunho really worth all of this?” Yoochun asked.

Jaejoong turned to glare at Yoochun. “What happened to you being supportive?”

“Yunho pissed me off one too many times.”

Changmin reached over and swatted the back of Yoochun’s head. “Don’t be an ,” he said.

“I just think Jaejoong deserves better, is all,” Yoochun said defensively.

“Nobody asked you,” Changmin said.

Jaejoong laughed. “Be nice, Changmin,” he said.

Changmin shrugged. “Fine. But only because I want to hear about what happened.” He leaned in closer to Jaejoong. “Did he really say those things?”

Jaejoong blushed and looked away, suddenly feeling shy. “Yeah,” he said quietly.

Changmin whistled. “Damn. I didn’t think he had it in him.”

Jaejoong smiled softly, but it never quite reached his eyes. “I was pretty surprised, too. Even more so when he kissed me.”

“He kissed you?” Changmin asked, surprised. “Why am I only hearing about this now?”

“I wasn’t going to tell you at all but you threatened to put glue in my shampoo if I didn’t,” Jaejoong said.

“It isn’t nice to keep secrets, hyung.”

Jaejoong rolled his eyes. “Anyway, I told him to stop.”

“Why?” It was Yoochun’s turn to be curious. “I mean, I thought that’s what you wanted.”

“I want it more than you know. But I don’t want to be an experiment.”

Yoochun reached out and grabbed one of Jaejoong’s hands, cradling it between his own; Changmin held the other one. “I’m glad you stood up for yourself, Jae.”

“I kind of wish I had let him have his way with me,” Jaejoong muttered; Yoochun and Changmin laughed.

“So what did he say afterward?” Yoochun asked.

“He said he wanted to try,” Jaejoong said. “I told him I want to try, too, but first I want him to figure out what it is he really wants. If he wants me romantically, or just as a friend.”

“Oh, Jaejoong,” Yoochun said sympathetically. “Are you sure you’ll be okay with it if that’s what he decides?”

“I have to be, Yoochun,” Jaejoong said. “I’d rather we be friends than nothing at all.”

-----

Junsu sat on his bed and stared out the window, watched the sun sink beyond the horizon and thought how fitting a metaphor it was for his own life. He felt like all the light and happiness in the world had been snuffed out by a heavy darkness.

“You’re being dramatic,” Junho had said earlier. “Things can’t be all that bad.”

Junho just didn’t understand. He’d never felt like his whole world was unraveling at the seams.

He’s your friend, Junho’s voice echoed in his head. You should support him.

Junsu wanted to, he really did. He hated the way he was feeling. There was a restlessness under his skin, like an itch he couldn’t scratch. He felt anxious and scared and confused all at once, all the time. But he just couldn’t reconcile Jaejoong’s feelings with what his religion had taught him. He couldn’t turn a blind eye on something God considered a sin.

Voices in the living room caught his attention, and he slid out of bed and into the hallway. A light was on in the living room. Junsu moved toward it and stopped just outside the circle of light, remaining hidden against the wall, in the shadows.

He looked around the corner and scowled: Changmin, Yoochun, and Jaejoong were sitting in a circle on the floor, their heads bent together like a group of gossiping teenagers.

“So how was it, anyway?” Yoochun was asking.

“A gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell,” Jaejoong said. Junsu couldn’t see his face, but he could tell by Jaejoong’s tone of voice that he was smiling.

“Remember, hyung: glue,” Changmin said pointedly.

“Aish! You two are insufferable!” Jaejoong laughed. “Fine, fine. Alright. It was--”

“Hot? Yoochun asked.

“y?” Changmin added.

“Do you want to hear this or not?” Jaejoong asked.

Yoochun and Changmin both raised their hands in surrender, and motioned for Jaejoong to continue.

“It was…very sweet,” Jaejoong said, his voice soft.

“Aww,” Yoochun simpered, his hands clasped under his chin. “Yunho has a gentle side after all!”

Junsu’s vision bled red, and before he even knew what he was doing, he had walked past the circle of light, headed straight for Jaejoong.

“Take it back,” he growled.

They turned to look at him in shock; Changmin sprung up from his seated position and moved to intercept Junsu.

“Hyung,” he said, and reached out to grab Junsu; Junsu shook him off.

“Take it back you lying, selfish ,” Junsu screamed, lunging for Jaejoong.

Yoochun stood up and grabbed Junsu by the waist, pulling him away from Jaejoong. “Stop it, Su. Stop!” Yoochun shouted in Junsu’s ear, tackling him down to the couch.

“Let me go,” Junsu said, struggling against Yoochun’s hold.

“No,” Yoochun said, putting his full weight into subduing Junsu. “I won’t let you hurt him.”

Junsu laughed, the sound bordering on hysterical. Then he started to cry.

Changmin moved over to Jaejoong, who still sat on the floor, staring at Junsu and Yoochun with wide eyes. Changmin grabbed Jaejoong’s hand and pulled him up.

“Come on, hyung,” he whispered and pulled Jaejoong away from the scene.

A/N: Yunho's soliloquy was taken from my own poem, Vertigo. You can read it HERE.