Dedicated to SKD_11

Choose any of the few songs to listen to while reading: Please Don't Go || Quasimodo || Life || Last Gift || Love's Way

November 1996

“Unnie!” I cried, choking on my tears. At the mere age of fifteen I couldn’t take the death of the one person I could relate to truly in this world—my sister, Kwon Haerim. “Unnie you can’t die… Unnie!”

I couldn’t believe it. My family couldn’t believe it. Jonghyun couldn’t believe it. My sister, Kwon Haerim, the most beautiful role model I had, died. Just like that—because of leukemia, cancer of the blood. I knew she’d die some day, just as the doctors said when they found out. All I wasn’t prepared for was the fact that it was so early.

“Miyoung…” Jonghyun pulled me away lightly, his eyes b with tears, threatening to fall down his cheeks. I didn’t look at him, and continued shaking my sister’s shoulders. My parents seemed emotionless. They didn’t care—because she was simply an adopted daughter to them. She wasn’t my real, biological sister, but I sure treated her as one.

“You are all emotionless people! Heartless! Cold! Haerim would be so angry if she wasn’t lying dead!” I cried again, louder this time. “Hush, Miyoung. Your sister needs to rest in peace…” Jonghyun nodded to my parents and took me out with him.

“Miyoung, please, please don’t act like this. You’re fifteen. You’re not a kid. Please grow up and be more mature about this.” Jonghyun persuaded me.

“How would you know? You didn’t live with her for twelve years! You aren’t related to her! What do you know? It’s as if you don’t care!” I hissed. But the minute I realized the words that had left my mouth unknowingly, I felt guilt. “Wait… no… I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I didn't—”

“I know…” Jonghyun enveloped me with his strong arms and I cried in them. He was my sister’s boyfriend, and the only person that understood at least halfmy pain. “Just cry and let it all out Miyoung, I’m here for you.” I knew it was wrong to be hugging Haerim’s boyfriend just after she died, but it seemed like the only possible solution to me feeling like I was about to jump out of the building and kill myself.

November 1997

Miyoung:

By the time you find this it’ll probably be a while after I’ve died. Nonetheless, this will be important to you. Please listen to me, Miyoung, it’s my very last wish, remember?

Are you looking at the musical piece, Where I Stood? I wrote the chords out after I heard them, just for you. This is the song I wanted you to play for the school talent show. It’s probably over now, right?

What am I saying? See, your sister’s going crazy. Jonghyun’s really devastated now right? Well, I want you to do one thing for me. Just one thing—make him happy. Play this song and re-live the memories I left off with him. I was never a good girlfriend to him.

Kwon Miyoung, I want you to play this song for him. And I want it to be perfect. Don’t stop practicing until you can play this song with your eyes blindfolded.

If you do this for me, I think I’ll be peaceful. Wherever I am, Heaven or Hell—I’ll be satisfied.

Signed,

Kwon Haerim

I ran my fingers across the paper. It felt old and crumpled, with creases all over the sides. It was the fifth time I was reading it. My sister always had beautiful handwriting, and I admired her for it. She was good at lots of things. Ice-skating, ballet, and academics… Sometimes it made me feel really jealous, but then again she was my sister, so I couldn’t hate her for long

She wanted me to play piano again. After one year of leaving the piano alone in the storage room, she wanted me to perfect the difficult piece for him. He, who loved her so much but never got the reciprocation. He, who comforted me the day she died. He, who had been devastated when she died. I didn’t know if I could do it. I was far more than afraid.

Over the one-year we hadn’t really drifted apart, ironically, we had drawn closer. Our relationship, somehow, extended far further than just-friends. However, we hadn’t reached the point of love yet. I wasn’t sure of my feelings for Jonghyun. I introduced him to my sister, but at the same time he was my best friend.

Did I love him? I really had no idea. Did he love me though, was another wholly different story, and I didn’t want to open that chapter just yet. But the epilogue had to be written, right? It was time to re-live Haerim’s very last wish.

My parents weren’t at home that day, so I didn’t get to tell them what I found. I took quick and silent steps to the storage room. Opening the door slowly, I inhaled a musky scent. A cold shudder trickled down my spine. I didn’t like going into the storage room alone. Glancing around nervously I saw the old painting by my mother hanging somberly behind layers and layers of dust—seemingly penetrating my very being. As I walked forward, I saw the piano.

It was a white grand piano, so of course the dust specks clung to it for their lives. I ran my fingers across the keys slowly without a sound. Suddenly, a wave of nostalgia washed over me, and it felt as if it was the first time all over again. My other hand was gripping the music sheet. I set it down on the music rack. I set my fingers on the keys and started playing.

“Miyoung?” I knocked on the door. Once, twice, three times, but nobody answered. I tried opening the door. To my surprise, it opened. It wasn’t normal that the Kwon family left their door unlocked, so I guessed that Miyoung was at home alone. Before I could forget, I turned and locked the door before making my way around the house.

“Miyoung…” I called again, louder this time—still, no answer. I began to get worried. I shut my eyes as I heard a sound coming from the basement. It was something musical. I quickly ran to the basement and heard it clearly. The beautiful sound like no other—the piano. It was like the sound of icicles and little sleigh bells mixing into one impacting combination. The magical sounds became louder as I advanced towards it.

A girl dressed in a flowing white dress was sitting on the stool, her fingers dancing over the keys gracefully. I was awed. Miyoung, I thought, as I finally realized it was really Miyoung playing it. It wasn’t as if I hadn’t heard a piano before, Haerim always played it for me, but Miyoung’s playing sounded so much more beautiful, surprisingly.

“Miyoung…” It was my third time saying her name in less than an ten minutes. She was startled and turned quickly, her flowing brown locks cascading past her shoulders. “Sorry, I got carried away and—”

“Ani, it’s alright. What’s that?” I asked when I saw a score sheet on the music rack. Miyoung quickly took it and hid it behind her back. “It’s n-n-n-nothing.” She stuttered.

“Show me…” I smiled and pressed on, curious to know what was it that made her so engrossed. “No! I already said no!” She hissed aggressively. I normally wouldn’t see this side of her, so I was mildly shocked. Then she looked apologetic, her expression downcast for some reason. She placed the score sheet onto a table beside the piano and looked at me. “Look, Jonghyun… Sorry. It’s just something private…”

“I understand—sort of. I won’t probe anymore. I was just looking for you because I was bored, so I heard the piano and… Well here I am.” I explained (if you consider that an explanation of some sort).

She nodded slowly, and sat on the stool. I decided to join her, so I made my way across the room and sat down beside her. I slung an arm over her shoulder and let her head lean on my shoulder. It seemed like the most appropriate thing to do at that time. What followed was an awkward silence.

“Miyoung?”

“Hmm?”

“Are you alright?” I asked, as she ducked out of my hold on her. She grimaced. “I don’t know… I mean… Haerim’s death… I haven’t gotten over it yet.”

Miyoung looked at me, and I looked back at her. Another awkward silence. Then, all of a sudden, I had no control over my intentions, I slanted my head towards her and our lips were connected. Of course, Miyoung was completely unsuspecting because her eyes were wide open while I kissed her. She kissed back after three seconds of astonishment. I realized what I was doing was wrong. Kim Jonghyun what are you doing? You’re kissing your dead girlfriend’s sister! I pulled away, and I saw the blush in Miyoung’s cheeks.

“Oh gosh I am so, so sorry… I’ll just… make… my—” I didn’t get to finish my sentence before I picked up my things and ran out of the house. I couldn’t believe what I had just done. It wasn’t fair to her or her sister.

You are in deep , Kim Jonghyun.

December 1997

It had been a whole month since Jonghyun kissed me. We didn’t speak. I felt a strong longing to apologize, but something inside me told me that I shouldn’t. So I followed my conscience. While he was busy trying to figure himself out, I was practicing the piece, and I was ready to showcase it. That morning, the school had arranged a performance just for me. My parents requested it. Since they heard about the score sheet, they decided to be ‘good’ parents and allowed me to play it in front of the whole school.

I had no reason to reject the offer, of course, so I took it up. I practiced day and night till my fingers were sore, and ignored most of my homework. But it was a sacrifice I was willing to take.

The morning came and I was ready. Ready to take on the challenge that my sister had left behind for me. I bowed once to the audience before making my way towards the piano.

This was it. This was my moment.I felt many eyes watching me from where I sat, on the piano bench. And I felt his eyes on me, too. I was glad he came. Laying my hands gently on the piano keys, I closed my eyes and breathed out once, making sure to keep the microphone away from my mouth to do so. Instantly, memories of the past months flashed in my mind, filling me to the core with happiness and sadness; love and loss.

I was doing this for my sister, I was doing this for her boyfriend, I was doing this for my parents. I was doing this for anyone out there who had been affected by my sister’s death. But, most of all, I was doing this for me. Leaning towards the microphone, I stared out and saw the faces of many strangers, peers, friends, and parents – including my own. Smiling sadly, I said, “This piece is for those who should really let go, like I have managed to.”

And then I began, closing my eyes and losing myself to the memories as I played the one song which I hoped would really get to his heart – for it came from my sister’s heart, passed through mine, and would now reach everyone’s heart. The ones who knew my sister, who despised her, who envied her, who pitied her – this would reach them all.

“I don’t know what I’ve done,
Or if I like what I’ve begun
Something told me to run, and honey,
You know me…”

“Miyoung…” I spoke softly. Her performance had just finished, and of course it was a success. “I’m so sorry, I really didn’t mean to—”

Before I could even continue, her lips were on mine, and moving. I responded quickly. The urge and the passion ran through my body. I realized how much I’d missed her in the past month. At that moment, I knew something.

I didn’t love Haerim, I loved Miyoung.

“Miyoung—” I said in between the kisses, “I love you.”