one step forward, two steps back.

(I can’t hold on anymore)
(Gotta go, gotta let you go)

song

Sometimes, when I look at you, you’re looking at someone else. You smile when you look at her. That’s right, her.

Im Yoona.

The girl you’ve been eyeing on ever since you and I were forced to break off our relationship. My group mate, Im Yoona. The nation’s natural beauty, Im Yoona. The girl with radiant eyes, the girl with doe-like eyes, the girl who has everything.

I don’t blame her, no I don’t. She’s my friend. I can’t hold anything against her. She’s as close as a sister.

You know what hurts, Donghae?

Do you know what truly hurts?

When you smile and I know it’s not for me. When you smile at Yoona and I know it has nothing to do with me. That hurts the most. You’ve never experienced it before, have you? I bet you don’t even pay attention to me.

Have you spared me a glance since then, Donghae?

I don’t think you have.

Sica, there you are, I’ve been waiting for you. It’s time for dinner with the girls, what are you doing here?It’s Tiffany. She’s calling me for dinner.

I don’t feel like eating. I look up at the sky. The clouds stand out in the darkness, the clouds hide the moon. My heart sinks.

Sica…Tiffany whispers, touching my shoulder. What’s wrong?

I don’t bother replying her.

She’ll understand. Knowing Tiffany, the girl who has been with me since debut, the one who pulled through with me during those hard times of debut…

Still thinking of Donghae, are you now, Sica? She asks me, stepping out onto the balcony and standing next to me.

I laugh.

She touches my hand with hers. A tear escapes my eye. This isn’t the first time I’ve cried over you. Do you know that, Donghae? I bet you don’t. I bet it’s just my wishful thinking that you ask someone close to me about how I’m doing.

Oh Sica… Tiffany rubs my back, resting her head on my shoulder.

We should get back.I speak curtly.

She isn’t surprised at my tone.

I look at the sky again. It begins to rain. Wash it away for me, rain….

I can’t hold on anymore.

****

I detest Lee Soo Man. I detest him to the core. I don’t know why he did this to us, Jessica. When obviously, Teuk hyung and Taeyeon are dating too.

Maybe he thinks we’ll cause too much scandals.

But they’ve caused more than us, haven’t they? Why break us up?

After he told us, he actually called me back to tell me something else. Donghae, I want you to stay away from Sica. I want you to refrain from contacting her. At all.

I couldn’t do anything.

I wanted to fight, but if I lost my job it would be harder for us wouldn’t it?

Yes Sir.I replied, bowing my head and leaving the room.

That’s why I don’t go close to you anymore, Sica. Please understand. Before this, we used to still interact…. But we were moving at a snail’s pace…

One step forward, two steps back.

Eventually, I thought to myself then, we’d get back to where we were from before, during debut times. Eventually.

But then this happened.

Rain starts to fall.

I’m sorry Sica. I gotta let you go.