For several minutes Luhan stands outside Minseok’s door, staring at the note. Really…he doesn’t blame Minseok for wanting to be alone, but this makes the whole situation feel more real somehow. He ends up placing the box of scented candles and the flowers gently on the floor by the door and then walking back down the steps and outside, his hands shoved deeply into his pockets.

Outside, it has begun to rain. Luhan stands in the downpour and stares at the sky, letting the raindrops fall on his cheeks and run down his neck into the collar of his orange t-shirt. Finally, standing there on the sidewalk under nothing but the sky, tears prickle at the edges of his vision. He gives in, letting himself weep, and the rain washes his tears away as they fall leaving him breathless and soaked to the bone. In the distance, thunder rolls across the sky and he convinces himself to get up and walk himself home.

On the way an old man standing on the corner catches sight of his watery eyes and pink nose and sighs sympathetically “Are you okay, son?”

“Yes, ahjussi, I’m f-fine…” Luhan sniffs, dabbing at his eyes with the corner of his sleeve “Th-there’s just been a lot going on for me…”

“Ohh…” the man nods wisely, his white beard bobbing “Was it your soul mate? She didn’t just leave you, did she?”

“Well…no…”

“Be grateful for what you. Best luck to you, whatever your problem is. Be patient. I’ve seen many things come and go in my life. You’ll get through it.”

“Thank you ahjussi…” Luhan manages a small smile and sniffs again. The elderly man gives him a small nod, an encouraging pat, and sends him on his way.

Since it is winter and his day started in the late afternoon, it is already beginning to get dark when he arrives home at the apartment, again having taken the coffee shop-avoiding route through the neighborhood. Tao welcomes him in and then disappears to his and Kris’s bedroom, leaving Luhan to approach Yixing who is sitting on the couch holding his mouse “…Hi.”

“How are you doing?”

“I’m…okay.” Luhan sits down, resting his chin on his hands and staring at the floor. Yixing puts the mouse on his shoulder and scoots closer to his friend “Nah, you’re upset. But that’s okay.”

“I guess. Minseok doesn’t want to talk to me.”

“Ohhhh…”

“There was a note on the door that he wanted to be alone.”

“That’s different from not wanting to talk. Geez, you scared me there for a moment, Luhannie.”

“I’m just worried about him, you know…”

“I know. But he’s a grown man, and so are you. He can take care of himself.”

“Aigoo Yixing…I know…worrying just happens for me. I can’t help it.”

“Try and stress a little less. It’s a rhyme, so you can remember it…”

“I’m grieving the loss of a friend, you insensitive…”

“Sorry...” Yixing shrugs slightly, trying to get his pet from crawling down the back of his shirt “But still, it’s something you should keep in mind. Try and stress…”

“…A little less,” Luhan finishes “I get it.”

“Good. Think on it for a little while. Do you want dinner?”

The blonde shakes his head slowly, not feeling much of an appetite.

“Okay. Well, tell me if you need anything.” Yixing shrugs and walks off into his and Luhan’s shared room and then the house is quiet, save for quiet murmurings coming from the direction of Kris and Zitao’s room at the end of the hall. Luhan closes his eyes and thinks about an alternate reality in which Minseok would have been open to talking about everything that had happened and maybe they would have cuddled and then they’d both feel even a little bit better.

He’s never understood people who don’t want to talk to others when they have a problem. He has always found comfort in discussion, and having a few close friends that he can trust to not tell a soul no matter what he tells them has practically saved his sorry a couple of times in the past. Separating one’s self from others in a time of sadness is just something that he can’t wrap his head around. Wouldn’t it just…make them sadder? He doesn’t know.

But the more he thinks about it, the more he realizes something. Jongdae was the person that Minseok confided in. He was always there when Minseok needed a shoulder to cry on, figuratively or literally, and now in his absence Minseok is grieving not only the loss of his cousin, “brother”, and closest friend, but also the loss of his long-time ‘safety blanket’. It might not be that he doesn’t want to talk to anyone, but that the person that he would have otherwise talked to is the one who is now gone. Luhan sighs and tucks his legs up underneath himself. He’ll give Minseok another day to be alone in his sadness and then visit again the day after tomorrow. The funeral is in a week after all. Maybe he should go get himself fitted for a suit

***

Luhan goes to sleep early and wakes up at the crack of dawn, slipping on sneakers and a jacket over his mismatched pajamas and tiptoeing outside. The block is silent as he walks down the sidewalk save for the sound of cars in the distance and the quiet rustle of wind swirling in between the buildings and trees devoid of leaves. His sneakers make a quiet scrunching noise on the pavement, filling the empty silence with the steady sound and he breaths in the crisp morning air, face tilted slightly skyward. As he approaches the corner where the café once stood, the sour scent of burnt debris fills the air and he puts a hand over his nose to keep from sneezing. A chain link fence has been erected around the site and caution tape adorns the blackened shell of the Black Pearl Coffee Shop.

 Luhan stands at the corner where he has stood so many times before and grips the chain link with stiff, sleepy fingers, looking through at the wreckage. Most of the walls still stand, but they are charred and full of holes burnt through by the fire. The roof has caved, and broken glass litters the sidewalk. The chain from which had hung the café’s hand painted sign now lies on the ground at the base of the cement steps, its supports and the sign itself having gone up in flames along with the rest of the building. The caution tape flutters in the chilly breeze and Luhan watches it, finding his eyes damp once again, but he does not cry. Finally he turns away and walks back down the street, feeling as if a little piece of himself has been removed and placed somewhere far away, out of his reach. It’s not a pleasant feeling.

***

He purchases the suit with the last of his pocket money from a second hand store on the other side of town. He would have preferred to buy one new, but since he is a student that option was ridiculously out of his budget. The suit is black and fits pretty well save for being a tad big on the shoulders, but nothing particularly noticeable and so he is content with his purchase. He procures a pair of dress shoes and a white button down, and Kris lends him a black tie before showing him how to hang everything up in his closet without creasing it all terribly.

Luhan is extremely thankful for all the support he is getting from his roommates, and for the fact that they haven’t once asked him what had happened, although he supposes that Yixing gave them the breakdown. For lunch he chokes down a paper cup of cheap supermarket coffee and a fried egg, having missed breakfast, and then sits a bench in the tiny park downtown for a while just watching the people pass and wondering what they are thinking. What is happening in their lives? Are they wondering the same thing about him?

He receives a text message from Sehun around mid afternoon.

So…I heard you’re with someone.

-S

Yeah?

-L

Dude, why didn’t you tell me?

-S

I’ve been busy.

-L

Are you grumpy or something? Who’re you with?

-S

I’m actually dealing with a lot right now. And he’s a sweet guy. You’d like him.

-L

Oh. And…’he’?

-S

What about him?

-L

Uh, I just thought it was a lady that you were with, Luhannie…

-S

Nope. Talk to you later :)

-L

Luhan feels strange typing the smiley face when inside he isn’t feeling smiley at all, but it puts an end to their brief conversation and he feels okay about that. They’ll catch up some other time, and he’ll introduce him to Minseok and hopefully the two will get along. But for now, he doesn’t want to discuss these things with his friend and puts his phone away. It’s not as cold as it was a week ago, and the sun, which hasn’t been seen for real in months, is peeking out from behind grey clouds. It feels oddly ironic for the situation. In Luhan’s mind, instead of sun, it is a grey-tinted rainy drizzle.

He leans against the arm of the bench and watches a group of little kids playing with each other across the park. It cheers him up bit, seeing them happy all together, and makes him think of when he was younger and his group of friends would spend the entire day out playing soccer, returning late into the evening. His mom would reprimand him for coming home at such an hour and he would whine, every time Eomma, I was having fun! And she would sit him down at the dinner table and say Well, you can have fun at home. He hasn’t thought about his childhood memories in what seems like ages, and there are so many.

His first day of high school, and meeting Sehun. The surprise at learning that Sehun was four years younger than him.

Joining the soccer team, and the first game that they won together.

Meeting Chanyeol, Baek, Jongin, and Kyungsoo in an afterschool club, and then his future roommates at a birthday celebration.

Trying to start a band with his friends and failing miserably, not having written even one complete song.

The first (and last) time he got drunk, and Kyungsoo eating an entire cigarette on a dare.

Moving into his current neighborhood.

The first time he went to the café and met Jongdae.

Luhan continues watching the children for a few minutes more and then gets up, tugging his orange knit beanie down further over his ears. He looks around and then walks in the direction of the Jongin-Kyungsoo apartment. The couple seems like a good pair to talk to in a time like this.

On the way Luhan sends Jongin a message warning him of his arrival, and thankfully the two are at home. He catches the bus since he really doesn’t fancy a forty block walk at the moment, sitting in the back and people watching again. He almost misses his stop while watching a pair of young people wearing couple clothing and thinking about how sweet they look. Maybe he and Mins