It was all over the news.

“Ok Taecyeon, the famous rapper and the face of 2pm, has made a miraculous recovery after being in a coma for more than a month.  He was hailed as a hero for putting his life in danger in order to save a comrade and fellow 2pm member.  It is uncertain when Taecyeon can resume…”

Taec turned the TV off, not wanting to listen to the news anymore.  “What are all these?” he pointed to all the things that were inside his room.

“These are gifts from your fans from all over the world.  They heard of the good news and were just so happy that you are okay.”

“That’s so nice of them.” 

I was helping him with his breakfast.  He was never a big fan of it.  He took in everything I gave him without saying a single word.  He has been staring at me.  Each time I caught him looking, he would just give an impish smile.  I also sensed something else.  He looked cautious and curious at the same time, like something was bothering him.

“What is it, Oppa? Are you hurting? Is something bothering you?  Do you want me to call the nurse?”

“No, I’m fine.”

“You’ve been staring at me for awhile, like I’m something to eat.”

“I’m sorry to make you uncomfortable.  It’s just that I have a question to ask you,” he said nervously.

“You’ve always been free to ask me anything.”  Why does he seem so nervous?    

“Will you answer me honestly?” he asked in a very low voice.

“Yes, of course.”  He nodded in appreciation.

“Gui Gui, I would like thank you first for taking care of me.  I noticed that you haven’t left my side since I woke up.  My family and friends seem to be very close to you.  I’m not really sure what you are to me, why you cared for me this much.”

I staggered several steps backwards and dropped the bowl of porridge I was holding.  All that was audible was the shattering china and my loud gasp.  This can’t be happening!  How could this be? He tried to get off the bed so he could help break my fall but ended up falling back on the mattress as he felt a searing pain to his side.  I felt numb, paralyzed.

“Gui Gui, are you alright?”  I could not answer him.  I was too stunned to open my mouth.

“Gui Gui? Gui Gui, are you okay?”  He sounded worried.

“You…you can’t…you can’t remember me?”  I struggled to say the words.

“I’m sorry, but no.”

My heart suddenly felt so heavy.  I tried to pull myself up together and sat on the chair beside his bed.  My shoulders were slumped and I just stared at the floor.  Silent tears where running down my face.  How could he forget me?  He’s right beside me and yet…so far.  He touched my hand cautiously and I raised my head to look at him.  He was alarmed upon seeing my tears.

“Gui Gui, I’m sorry if what I said hurt you.  I didn’t mean to…my head is probably still not right.” 

I felt guilty for making him worry.  His head must be hurting right now trying to remember.  I should be more understanding.  He has not completely recovered after all.  I hurriedly wiped my tears and looked at him once again.

“But…but, you called me by my name?”

“I heard them call you by that name.  I was curious the first time I saw you but I chose to ask you this question when we’re alone so you won’t feel uncomfortable around the others.”  He was still very considerate.  At least this side of him hasn’t changed.

“I am your fiancée.  You proposed to me a few weeks before the accident happened.” 

He had a confused expression, probably mulling this revelation in his head.  He looked at my hand and found the diamond ring on my left ring finger.

“Did I give that to you?” he asked, pointing at the ring.

“Yes.  You gave me this ring when you proposed to me at Piazza San Marco.”

“Piazza San Marco…” he repeated.  “I’ve always said before that I would propose to the girl I wanted to marry at that place.”  He was deep in thought and seemed to be talking to himself.  He clasped his head and grimaced in pain.

“Please don’t think too much, Oppa.  You don’t need to remember now.  You’ll experience headaches if you try too much.”

“Arasso, arasso.  Could you tell me then how I met you?”

“We met at a show called We Got Married.  We were supposed to be a virtual married couple but then we ended up falling in love for real.”  I couldn’t help but smile at the memory.  “It was very difficult for us at first because of the distance and the secrecy.”

“Distance?  Secrecy?”

“Yes.  I am from Taiwan, an actress in Taiwan.  We both had very hectic schedules.  Our careers were at its peak and both our agencies wanted us to keep our relationship a secret.  Despite the difficulties, we were able to manage, and then…you were in this accident.”

“I see.” He looked down at his clasped hands.  He continued to ponder things in his head, trying to take in all these new information. 

“Was I good to you?”  He looked up again to see my expression.

“You were the best.  I couldn’t ask for anything more,” I said proudly. 

“Did I make you happy?”

“You’ve made me the happiest woman.”  I saw his sad expression.  What was he thinking?

“I’m so sorry if I couldn’t make you happy.  Just now I feel your sadness.  I’m sorry I couldn’t remember anything about us.”  

“Maybe this is just temporary.”  I tried to reassure him but deep inside I was terrified.  What if he had completely forgotten me?  What if his memory doesn’t return?  “Maybe we should talk more tomorrow, you needed to rest.  It’s not good for you to be thinking too much at this early stage of your recovery.”

“You’re right.  But please indulge me this one last question…did we have any plans?”

I hesitated for a bit, now that he can’t remember anything.  It was a moot point but I supposed it wouldn’t matter.  He will come to know about this eventually.

“We were supposed to get married in two months, but that’s all water under the bridge now.”  He kept silent but he was in deep thought again.  “May I ask you one thing as well?”

“Certainly.”

“How is it that you remembered your family and your 2pm brothers but not me?”

He looked at me with a troubled and pained expression.  “I don’t know Gui Gui, I don’t know.  I wish I could give you some answers.”

June 5, 2017

JYPE Studio, 2pm Practice

It had been six months since my successful recovery.  I was back in the limelight and was once again enjoying the good life.  My business was doing well and my career was at its highest.  Fate has been kind to me, giving me this second chance. 

My doctor told me that I suffered what was called a post-traumatic retrograde amnesia.  Somehow, my brain was able to retain my earlier memories but not the more recent ones.  He said that some people were able to regain all of their memories back after sometime but others completely lost them.  Each case was different and there were no guarantees.  Perhaps, I belonged to the latter.  I also stopped having nightmares.  Surprisingly too, my little friends have not visited me in my dreams since I regained consciousness.

It doesn’t matter now whether I regained those memories or not.  I am happy and that’s what’s most important.  Despite having gained everything back, I still did not feel whole.  Something was missing.  Maybe I need to settle down but I haven’t found the right person I wanted to marry.

I did the best I could but I couldn’t bring myself to love her.  If we were fated to be together, then why couldn’t I remember her?  Wouldn’t my heart recognize her even if my mind did not?  Shouldn’t fate work that way?  I tried to stay with her for a while hoping that things would be better between us.  After sometime, I couldn’t bring myself to continue with the charade.  I broke her heart for the last time but maybe it was for the best.  A nice girl like her deserved better.  I can’t give her what she needed.  I can’t make her happy.

“It’s better this way Gui Gui.  It’s for your good and mine.  Please don’t cry.”  She was kneeling on the floor begging me to stay with her.

“Please, Oppa.  I will be good to you.  I will do whatever you want me to do.  Please don’t leave me.  I love you, you are my life.”

“I’m truly sorry but I don’t feel the same way for you.  I thought I could teach my heart to love you but I can’t.  I’m not who I used to be.  Let’s end this now before you’ll hurt even more.  This will be the last time I’m going to see you.”

“No Taec, please.  Don’t do this to me.”

“I’m doing us a favor, Gui Gui.  It will get better over time.  You will not hear from me ever again, I want you to do the same.”  And with that I turned my back on her.  I felt miserable leaving her in that state but it was for the best.    

I was steadfast with my decision.  I knew I made the right choice.  But why does this memory haunt me?  She has kept her word, I never heard from her again.  What confused me was why she also vanished from circulation.  After that day, she was never heard of or seen on TV or news again.   There were speculations of sightings of her in many places across Asia and Europe, but nothing to prove their validity.  Why would she need to hide from everyone else?   She had a very promising career.  Although it was later revealed that we were lovers and that we made plans in the past to get married, I don’t think it had anything to do with her disappearance.  I don’t think I was the reason for it.  I tried to shake these thoughts away.  We now lived separate lives.  I shouldn’t stick my nose on other people’s business.  I need to stay focused, this comeback concert is very important to me.

I was suspended in air for one of our stunts.  No matter what I do, I couldn’t stay focused.  Something was intruding my thoughts, I don’t know what.  Suddenly, I felt a sharp pain in my chest.  I couldn’t breath.  I was making so much movement that the cable became unsteady.  The cable snapped and I fell hard on the platform.  My head hit the ground with as much force that I temporarily lost consciousness.

The moment I opened my eyes, a wave of memories came crashing on me.  Her face, her beautiful face.  Her soft sighs each time I made love to her.  Her kisses, whenever I told her how much I loved her.  Her profound happiness, when I proposed to her.  Her warm embraces when she tried to cheer me up.  How she meant the world to me.  How I couldn’t live my life without her.  I bolted straight up and started to run, leaving my confused brothers behind.  I had to find her.  She was the quintessence of my existence.