Chapter 16

•  •  •

They meet each other halfway. Between half-said apologies and quick kisses there are smiles.

‘’Please hit me if I ever leave you again.’’ Yuri says, cradling Yoona, who is lying on top of her, hand over her heart, to her chest. She can almost feel the other girl’s lips form into a curl. She lets out a small laugh and Yuri can feel her hot breath on her skin. With a sigh they snuggle closer to each other.

‘’Me too. I… I’m so happy when I’m with you, you know?’’ Yoona is looking at her now. A hand reaches out to Yuri’s hair.

‘’Even when we don’t say anything. Just being with you fills me with the most intense happiness.’’

Yuri’s eyes lit up and she leans in to press her lips against Yoona’s once more.

‘’I didn’t know you could be so mushy.’’ She teases.

‘’Are you denying being a romantic? I know you, Kwon Yuri.’’

Yoona can feel her chuckle on her chest.

Outside, spring rail is falling. The trees are rustling with the heavy force of nature and the wind is screaming. Yet the only sounds that are heard in the room are the tender taken breaths and the soft ruffle of the sheets. Yuri thinks she could fall asleep forever like this. To feel the soft swell and fall of Yoona’s chest against hers seems like all she needs in this world.

Yoona is looking at the other girl. Her soft skin, her serene voice, her eyes; the colour of a starry night sky. She doesn’t know how she ever got to be so lucky. It is as though life has embraced her and is keeping her safe. Being with Yuri gives her a reassurance she didn’t know she needed. Every second with her feels like a thousand years yet a thousand years would not be enough for them to consume all their love for each other.

She isn’t sure whether the other girl is still awake when she starts to speak again.

‘’When did you know you loved me?’’

The answer comes immediately.

‘’That day we first met.’’

Yoona slowly lifts herself up, leaning on her arm. She waits for Yuri to continue speaking but when she looks in her eyes she only finds sincerity. Yuri pulls her back down to her chest and she intertwines their hands.

‘’I suppose the same doesn’t go for you then.’’

Yoona shakes her head, biting her lip.

‘’Well it was different for me. I didn’t know what my feelings could mean.’’

‘’You know now, don’t you?’’

‘’Yeah.’’

‘’What are they, then?’’ Yuri asks. She turns and shifts closer to Yoona, foreheads almost touching. Feeling embarrassed, the other girls doesn’t let her eyes find Yuri’s. Still, Yuri lifts up her chin with a soft caress of her fingers, tilting her head ever so slightly as a means of a question. A blush rises up on her cheeks as she says the words.

‘’What was that?’’

‘’I love you.’’

It’s Yoona who closes the distance between them this time. There is a different kind of hunger in their kiss, a wanton sort of needing. She vaguely senses Yuri putting her hand on her neck, pulling them even closer. She is in ecstasy; drunk on a cocktail of caresses and kisses and touches. Her hands are in Yuri’s hair one moment, the next moment they are pulling apart, their breaths coming more quickly each time. A hand finds its way underneath her shirt.

They fall apart like this. They lay each other bare and draw each other out, stretch their emotions (their feelings, the sound), they join their passions; and so, in the deep of the night they become one.

•  •  •

Yuri tightens her grip on her messenger bag, heavily loaded with books. She is sitting in the hallway, waiting for her mentor to call her and discuss the matter.

Finally, they will arrange it. There has already been a great accomplishment in making a decision, she feels. She has been thinking about this ever since she was in high school. Now she will finally make it happen. She will finally be true to herself after all these years. She feels exited, yet very scared as well. Thinking about the way her family will react to the news makes her feel like she’s going to throw up. They will accept it eventually, they won’t have any choice in the definite matter; this is her life. Yet she knows how disappointed and angry they will be. Perhaps, in time they will come to understand her decision. After all they wanted her to be happy always. That is what her father said just the other day.

Thinking about that talk with her father makes her blush. She’s so lost in her thoughts she doesn’t notice the older girl until she gives her shoulder a soft push.

‘’Hey!’’

Startled, she shifts in her seat and looks up to see the familiar face of Jessica standing in front of her. She smiles at her and shifts on the bench so they can both sit together. Jessica pulls her handbag off of her shoulder and puts it between them.

‘’What has you so deep in thought?’’ she asks while rummaging through her bag. She pulls out a chocolate bar, breaks it in half and holds it out to Yuri with a questioning look.

‘’Thanks. It’s just what I told you guys about.’’

‘’Aah.’’ Jessica hums and wipes some chocolate away from the corner of . ‘’Are you still nervous about it?’’

‘’Yeah, sure. I mean it’s not going to be easy is it? But neither is staying on the path that I’m on right now.’’

‘’Exactly. We’ll all be there should times get difficult, you remember that. But I don’t think they will.’’

‘’So why are you here?’’

At the question, Jessica pouts and lets her head fall into her hand with a sigh. She looks like a child that’s been told off by her parents and Yuri has to hold in the instinct to giggle.

‘’They say I’ve been missing too many classes. Well I say they shouldn’t schedule them so early in the morning then! Who can get up that early?!’’ she whined, obviously very upset.

‘’Um… everybody else.’’ She grins. Jessica gives her a much harder push now.

‘’Ya! Don’t be such a smartass.’’ This time Yuri does laugh and eventually Jessica lets out a sour laugh herself, pointing out to Yuri that it’s really not funny. The door opens and a young boy walks out, his eyes going over Jessica one time before walking away.

‘’Kwon Yuri?’’ her mentor calls, holding the doorknob in her hand. Yuri stands up to shake her hand and turns to Jessica one last time, giving a small wave.

‘’Thanks for the chocolate and good luck.’’ She winks. The other girl just gives a small nod, looking coolly into the hallway.

Her mentor closes the door behind them and gestures to the chair on the opposite side of her desk.

‘’Take a seat. Now I understand you’re here to take the final step in discontinuing your studies at this university?’’

After a determined ‘yes’ on Yuri’s part the woman turns around the chair and grabs a large stack of papers lying on a desk. She starts shifting through them with stellar speed.

‘’Yes… Kwon Yuri, there you are.’’ She puts a smaller stack of papers in front of Yuri and pulls her glasses down to look her in the eye. She sighs and presses her hands together.

‘’You’re absolutely sure? I know we’ve talked about this a billion times but even if you say you have doubts now I won’t speak of it again. You can continue to follow classes here. Once I send these papers to the Ministry of Education nothing can be changed and you’d have to start your bachelor as a first year again. So I ask you once more: are you absolutely, completely, utterly a 100% sure?’’

‘’Yes ma’am.’’ Yuri answers with what she hopes to be a strong voice. The woman shrugs and puts her glasses back on. She hands Yuri a pen and points out where to sign.

‘’Very well then. Let’s start with checking if all your data in the computer is still right…’’

•  •  •

‘’It’s very sweet of you to come with me.’’ Yoona says as she sits down in the coupé. Soonkyu goes to sit opposite of her while little Sunny, on her lap, is trying to grab some of her mommy’s hair.

‘’Hey sweetie, no, don’t do that!’’ she looks at Yoona apologetically. ‘’I’m sorry I had to bring this one with me but you know I’d do anything for you. This is a big day! In fact I feel very happy you asked me.’’

‘’Thanks.’’ Yoona smiles. Suddenly she claps her hands together, sitting upright. She turns to her bag and starts rummaging through it.

‘’Ah, here it is! Look, Sunny-ah, what is this?’’ the little child looks at Yoona with amazement in her big eyes, trying desperately to clasp the little cuddly toy in her hands. When she finally grabs it, she immediately tries to pet it roughly before staring at it a few more seconds, pausing, then putting the whole thing in . Both girls laugh, shocked, and Sunny tries to show her daughter how to play with the toy but the little girl is having none of it.

‘’I’m sorry,’’ Soonkyu laughs, ‘’it’s really kind of you to buy that for her. You shouldn’t have!’’

Yoona lets her friend know that it really wasn’t a big deal, don’t mention it. Silence falls over the coupé for a moment, Yoona watching towns and forests slip by, Soonkyu watching her daughter proudly. The steward comes by and they order two coffee and a waffle (‘’to share’’). After half an hour Sunny starts making noises which Soonkyu knows mean she’s discontent and she gets out the bottle of milk.

‘’Do you want to do it?’’ she asks. She already knows the answer. Yoona loves kids more than anything.

‘’Sure! Oof, she’s getting big already isn’t she?’’ she bounces the little girl on her knee for a bit, making her giggle before she remembers she’s hungry and starts to whine again. Sunny gives her the bottle and makes sure it is tilted just so before she starts the conversation again.

‘’Are you nervous?’’

‘’Are you kidding? I’m terrified,’’ Yoona admits, ‘’but I feel ready for it in a way. I have to do this. It’s been so long… I need to know what happened.’’

‘’Why now though? I’m sorry if I sound rude, I don’t mean to…’’

‘’It’s okay. You know, for a long time, I didn’t want to find her. I was depressed and I didn’t see why I should have to. Because she never tried to find us again, you know? After that day there was nothing. Not a single call, or letter, or anything. I felt so angry towards her. She betrayed us, I thought. She left us and took everything with her. When she was first gone we had nothing. That’s why I thought she could just die.’’ She can see Soonkyu flinch at the harsh words but doesn’t take them back.

‘’Sorry but it’s true. However, I’m in a better place now. I’m older, I’m getting more mature. Recently I’ve been thinking; she must have had a good reason for leaving. She married my father, they loved each other, and they had me together. So why would she leave? I need to know. Of course my father won’t tell me anything,’’ she scoffs and shakes her head. ‘’that’s why I have to find out myself.’’

When she looks at Soonkyu again, the girl is obviously shaken. There is a deep distress in her eyes and Yoona laughs, trying to make the mood lighten.

‘’I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get all serious on you.’’ But Soonkyu shakes her head and puts her hand on Yoona’s arm, comforting her.

‘’Jesus Yoona, I mean… I knew things were bad with your mother but you’ve never told me the whole story. I’m so, so sorry.’’

‘’You don’t have to apologise. I’m glad you’re here. Actually I wanted to ask you something… when we get there, can I go see that man on my own? I don’t know what he’s going to tell me, how personal it’ll be and how I’ll react. She might even be dead. Hell, I don’t know.’’

Soonkyu nods firmly, still her arm.

‘’Sure, sure. Whatever you need.’’

There is silence once more, both women obviously thinking about the same matter. An hour later the train comes to a halt in Busan and the two step off. Yoona’s heart is still pounding heavily when they’re in the cab. She preparing herself for the worst while hoping for good things. Her anxiety is noticable because Soonkyu keeps holding her hand the whole time with the corncerned look of a mother in her eyes and Sunny even gets the stuffed animal out of long enough to offer it to her (though she's relieved when the woman doesn't accept). They arrive at a big office building, people streaming in and out like the water that flows through the rivers. She sighs and shoots a look at her friend.

''Here we go.''