Chapter 18

•  •  •

‘’Why didn’t you tell me anything before? You realise how important this is!’’ Yoona is shouting. Yuri has seen her distressed but never before this angry. It seems like she’s ready to explode, harsh words spilling from like venom.

‘’I thought you’d be happy for me!’’ Yuri shouts back, indignant.

‘’You were the one that was always saying how I should follow my dreams. Now I am and you’re getting angry!’’ she crosses her arms. Yoona slams her hands on the table where their dinner has long been forgotten.

‘’You were the one that said it wasn’t practical! You were always going on about how you’d get a proper job and take care of us. I just… what do you imagine you’re going to do? Professional dancers don’t start at 23 years old!’’

‘’I have been thinking about being a teacher. You don’t forget how to dance. With a couple of courses I should be alright. I could get my own studio.’’

Yoona scoffed at that. The mocking voice made Yuri’s blood boil with anger and frustration. This was Im Yoona, her girlfriend, who was supposed to stand by her in difficult times. Instead she was laughing at her.

‘’A studio? What? This just keeps getting better and better. And how did you imagine doing that? With what money?’’

‘’The bank says I can get a loan.’’

Yoona leaned back in her chair, a glistening look in her eyes. She crossed her arms and looked at Yuri with an intense stare. Then very slowly and pointedly she said:

‘’Wow.’’

Yuri threw her napkin on the table angrily, standing up. Quickly, Yoona caught her arm and gestured for her to sit down again.

‘’Sorry,’’ she murmured awkwardly, looking down at her lap, ‘’that was mean.’’

Yuri glared at her. She roughly shrugged Yoona’s arm off of her arm and sat down again, a deadly look still in her eyes. Yoona began to speak in a much softer voice.

‘’It’s just that I don’t understand why you decide this now and so suddenly. Besides, money doesn’t grow on trees –‘’

‘’Seems like you never lack it.’’ Yuri pointed out.

‘’I don’t understand,’’ Yoona continued, ignoring Yuri’s remark, ‘’please tell me why you’ve come to this decision now. It’s so sudden and that’s not like you at all. I want to support you but right now I’m just confused.’’

Yuri paused, sitting upright and making her voice steady. She wanted nothing more than to be able to explain this to the other girl, to make her understand the tremors she had in her heart. She wanted her to feel them with the same intensity. If she could, she would hand her the feelings she felt so strongly yet all she could offer the other girl were words, utterly meaningless and void of emotion.

‘’I have been thinking about this for years. I never said anything because like I said… I didn’t think it was practical. I thought I was strong enough but I realized I’m not. When I was working in my father’s restaurant one evening suddenly it came to me… I thought about I would start my final year in September. I thought about how, after that, I would get a job at some big company. It felt so wrong. I’m not just indifferent about my study, I actually hate it. Every day I wake up and I don’t want to go. Studying isn’t a walk in the park, I know that, but to hate it so much… that’s not healthy either. I can’t continue to wake up with those feelings every day of the rest of my life.’’

She paused again, running out of breath from her speech. The look in Yoona’s eyes had softened. She opened to say something but Yuri stopped her.

‘’Please let me finish. I know it’s not going to be easy. But I’ve thought about this so long – ‘’

A soft laugh made its way out of , thinking about how silly she had been all those years –

‘’I think I’ve thought about every single scenario that I could possibly meet this coming time. I know I can make this work. I’ll still be able to take care of us. Of you. Please just stand by me.’’

She looked at her hands, not daring to look up at her partner, afraid of the look she might find there. Her heart was beating fast. She might leave her now. This was a very important issue. If they were going to be together for a long time (forever, maybe) then this was relevant to Yoona too. Yuri knew how fickle her speech had sounded. Had she been listening to her, she would have thought she sounded pathetic. A dance studio? And how would they get customers? What did she know about running a company?

She noticed the other girl moving from out of the corner of her eye and suddenly there were two arms wrapping themselves around her neck. Yoona’s breath on her neck made her shiver, her long hair falling down on Yuri’s shoulders. She grabbed Yoona’s hands where they rested on her chest.

‘’How could I stay away from you?’’

•  •  •

14 years earlier, 25 of June

‘’Is appa going to be home early today? Did he say anything?’’ the young girl was tugging on her mother’s dress, who was standing by the stove. The familiar smell of spicy ddukbokgi filled the air. Her mother smiled. She crouched down, looking at the small child and petting her head.

‘’Appa didn’t say anything. He has to work very hard so you can wear those pretty dresses.’’

The girl pouted. That didn’t quite fit with what her father had told her before. Surely her mother wasn’t lying?

‘’Appa told me we’re rich because of you.’’

An unfamiliar expression shot over her mother’s face, making her eyes cold, but it was gone within a second. She grabbed her daughter and put her on the counter, just as far away from the stove that she wouldn’t complain but just as far away to not make any danger for her to get hurt.

‘’You want to help umma with cooking? Hand me those unions.’’

The girl did so, diligently, always wanting to help her mother with the cooking. She wanted to be able to cook just like her but rather frustratingly she was almost never allowed to help with anything. She was too short to reach the counter but sometimes, when her mother made sweets, she was allowed to stir the dough. She liked that.

‘’You didn’t answer me,’’ she whined, ‘’are we rich because of you?’’

Her mother put down her chopsticks and went a little sour, yet she still looked at her daughter with a kind smile.

‘’Umma gets some money from her family. But it’s very naughty of your father to say that. We’re very grateful to umma’s family for the money that they give us. Aren’t you grateful for your dresses?’’

The little girl giggled a bit, amused by the fact that her father had been naughty. Then she roughly clutched her dress and pulled on the soft fabric.

‘’I really like my dresses. The one with the little princesses is my favourite but it’s white so it’s hard not to get dirty.’’ She frowned at the memory of her mother scolding her after she’d fallen in a pool of mud last time, ‘’can I taste the ddukbokgi?’’

‘’Only if you blow on it before you taste it. It’s very hot so watch out…’’

•  •  •

‘’It’s very good to be able to help you, Im-sshi.’’ The man smiled at her. He seemed kind, Yoona thought, and he must’ve been handsome once. Now he was older but still looked good, with gray hairs coming through and his light brown eyes looking a bit tired where they must’ve once lit up when speaking.

‘’However,’’ his voice became more serious now, ‘’I must warn you. When searching about these things, the results aren’t always what people expect. Sometimes you might wish you had never seen them at all. That is what I want to emphasize. Do you know anything of your mother, might I ask?’’

Yoona nodded. She had thought about the possibility that her father had never told her anything about her mother because of some horrible memories. She had figured something bad must have happened, at least for her mother’s leaving. Yet she had always remembered her mother as a kind person. She had been quite old when she left so her memories were vivid still, and they were trustworthy.

There were so many questions thought, still left unanswered, and so they would remain if she didn’t take heft in her own hands. Whenever asked about her mother her father would give her a disgusted look and a curt ‘She left.’’. No matter how hard she pressed, he remained silent. Eventually she just gave up. As a teenager, she didn’t even think of her mother anymore, only when people brought it up. You don’t have a mother? I’m so sorry, was she ill? She left? But what on earth – always the same thing. Sometimes she did lie and tell other people that her mother had died. It was so much easier.

But now it was different. Last year the itch to know what had happened so many years ago had resurfaced. Now, her life was changing rapidly. She was in love. She was a student. In a couple of years she would have her own house, her own job, her own life; away from her father. She needed to know.

‘’Well I don’t know much. I know she was two years older than my father and her family was wealthy, that was what she always said. We used to have lot of money before she left. I don’t think she ever had a job… she didn’t have any friends in our neighbourhood. A lot of my friends’ mothers would talk to each other, but never my mother. I think she felt better than them, to be honest.’’ She smiled sheepishly at the memory.

•  •  •

14 years ago, 3 December

‘’Umma, there’s Chaeyoung’s mother. Should we go say hi?’’ she asked. Her mother put some vegetables in the cart and pushed it on into the lane, ignoring her.

‘’Umma! I think she saw me. It’s rude not to say hi. Let’s go say hi!’’

‘’We’re not saying hi to that woman,’’ her mother hissed, roughly grabbing her arm to make her stand still.

‘’You see how they look at me? They think they’re better than me. Umma doesn’t like them.’’

Yoona put her hand on her arm which now hurt from the rough handling her mother had just given it. Tears had sprung into her eyes. Her mother was never this harsh. She wanted to say hi to Chaeyoung’s mother. If she didn’t go now she would ask her about it the next time she went over to their house. It would be humiliating but she didn’t dare ask her mother again.

‘’Why don’t they like you, umma?’’ she asked instead, not understanding. Her mother straightened herself, her back straight, and raised her chin a bit. She pushed the cart slowly.

‘’They’re jealous of our family, Yoona-ya. They’re jealous of our money.’’

•  •  •

‘’I think we should start with some innocent documents I’ve been able to acquire. Here is the birth certificate of your mother.’’

He pushed the paper forward.

Choi Nara, 5 September 1961, Pusan.

It was correct. She remembered they’d often celebrate her mother’s birthday a week later because that was when her father could get off from work for a holiday. She also remembered how her father would whisper softly, ‘’Nara-ya…’’ when Yoona was lying in bed and they thought she was already asleep.

She felt the paper, reading every line slowly, taking it all in. It was quite fascinating to see her mother’s birth certificate; she had never seen one before.

‘’I didn’t know she was born in Pusan.’’ She said after a couple of minutes and the man smiled at her.

He continued with his ‘innocent’ documents round. There were all sort of things, official photos taken with her family as a child, her graduation photo, wedding pictures she had never seen before – as well as other things – such as letters she had written for the school’s newspaper, an article that had been published in the local newspaper about the funding for the local elementary school, even some pictures that were more personal and had been taken by her parents.

She could feel a lump in and suddenly she was aware of herself crying. Quickly she wiped the tears away, trying to find tissues in her bag.

‘’God, I’m so sorry,’’ she laughed breathily, ‘’I don’t know why I’m crying… none of this is worth crying over. I feel so stupid.’’

‘’It’s okay miss. Believe me, you’re not the first person to cry in this room.’’ He comforted her and she laughed again. She looked at the photos again. There was her mother, aged 21, the same age as herself, smiling at the camera. She seemed a bit chubby and her haircut was very ‘retro’ but it was most certainly her mother. It was oddly confronting.

Yet she wanted more. She bit her lip, still tasting the salt from the tears that had been streaming over her face just a minute ago.

‘’I don’t want to seem like I don’t appreciate all of this because I really, really do but…’’

‘’You want some answers?’’ the man finished for her and she nodded, smiling. The man returned the gesture and agreed. He gently got the documents and the photos and put them in their maps, back from where he had gotten them the first place. He didn’t take out anything else. Yoona must have looked a bit lost, for he sighed and looked at her with a sorry expression.

He put the tips of his hands together and looked down at his desk.

‘’Normally this is where the conversation ends,’’ he began, ‘’I’m only allowed to show you legal documents and some things which are open to public domain. However – ‘’

And here he sighed deeply again.

‘’I have some other legal documents that concern your mother. The only thing is that I’m afraid they’re not a pleasant surprise.’’

Yoona felt her body shiver. Suddenly the room felt cold and her chest felt numb again. Her eyes were wide and she stared intensely at the man. What did he mean? Why was he being so mysterious?

‘’I’m sorry sir, I don’t understand…’’

He lifted up his head and looked at her.

‘’Miss. Did you ever notice anything… unusual in the relation between your parents?’’

•  •  •

12 years ago, 3 January

It takes a couple of seconds before Yoona realises she’s awake. Slowly, the light of her bedside lamp comes into vision. It takes her another moment to notice the noise that’s made her wake up. There are faint voices coming from the living room. She waits a minute to have them fade away but the conversation continues. Roughly she pushes the covers off and slips out of her bed.

Her father and mother are in the living room, sitting on the couch. The conversation halts immediately as she pushes the door open and they both turn to look at her standing in the door opening. She immediately notices the change in her father’s appearance.

‘’Appa, did you try to put on make-up? Is umma helping you put on make-up?’’

Her father puts a hand over his eye, concealing the blue colour it now has. He doesn’t say anything. Instead, her mother stands up and tries to push her out of the room.

‘’Yoona, it’s much too late for you to be up. You should have been sleeping for a long time. Tomorrow is school.’’

‘’But I woke up because of you – ‘’

‘’Don’t speak to your parents that way!’’ her mother suddenly shouts, making her jump. There is an angry look in her face. She faintly notices the tension in the room but doesn’t understand it. Why are they like this? Did she do something wrong? She doesn’t like this. She wants to play with her father who seems sad. However, she doesn’t dare do anything, afraid her mother will scold her again.

‘’Now, will you go to sleep?’’

The rest of the night she spends with her hands pressed against her ears, trying desperately not to hear the confusing sounds of loud voices and thumps against the floor.

The next morning at breakfast her father’s other eye is blue as well. She smiles at him.

‘’Did you learn to do your make-up, appa?’’

•  •  •

‘’Well… there were some incidents of arguing and all that but if they’d had a divorce I believe my father would have told me. It appeared to me that the situation was more difficult than that.’’ She explains.

The man looks at her with pity in his eyes. His hands hesitate but then he slowly takes out another document from under his desk. He holds it in his hands and sighs.

‘’What I am going to show you is very unpleasant. Are you absolutely sure you want to know everything about your mother? It’s not very pretty.’’

She nods and takes tries to control her shaking hands. Her heartbeat is quickening. The man takes out the paper and puts it in front of her. As soon as she reads the words she feels dizzy, unable to read the rest. She doesn’t understand. The whole world swims out of vision. What is this? What do these things mean? Is this a joke? The man’s voice seems to come from a different dimension.

‘’Miss, you’re breathing very heavily, please calm down.’’

She puts a hand on her chest, trying to control her panic. She is shaking her head, another hand over .

‘’What… I… please explain.’’

‘’It’s a police report. It explains how your mother was arrested and put into jail for four months for smuggling drugs into the country – illegal ones, such as –‘’

‘’No! Please. I don’t… I don’t want to hear that.’’

The man’s face turns into a frown. He takes the paper out of her hands and puts it on the desk in front of her again. Tentatively, he puts his hand on hers, comforting her. She doesn’t mind.

‘’Do you wish to stop our consult here?’’

Her face shoots up immediately.

‘’Is there more?’’

Her voice is shaking. The man nods.

Her whole body feels numb. She feels the disappointment of someone who realises the foolishness of a former crush, the blindness of a child.

‘’Just… does this mean my mother didn’t have a rich family?’’

‘’I’m afraid it doesn’t seem like it. We could not find any connection of your mother’s relatives to any big companies or any big fortunes already in the family. They all had steady jobs that did not pay excessive amounts. It is very unlikely they brought in through any other way. They weren’t shareholders either.’’

She swallows her tears away.

‘’What else is there?’’

Another document is placed in front of her. This one is several pages long. Her eyes are blinded by tears that have formed and she can’t blink away. She gestures towards the man and places her hands on her chest again, looking at the ceiling.

‘’Please just tell me what’s in it.’’ She creaks. The man keeps his hand on hers as he explains, voice so soft she can barely hear it.

‘’This is a police report submitted by your father. It’s a statement made against your mother on 2003, July 6.’’

In her mind she vaguely notices it’s a couple of days later than the day her mother left and the day she was taken, in the midst of the night, to a different city. They had to go to her aunt, his father had told her. He never explained why.

‘’The report describes several injuries that he suffered. Cigarette burns on his stomach, scars on his back and arms that he explains were inflicted with various sharp objects as well as a black eye on the left side, inflicted by his wife. He explains these injuries were inflicted on more than one occasion but all at home. In these other papers it explains the case never got to court because of difficulties.’’

‘’Wha- t sort of – of difficulties?’’ she chokes.

‘’In the document it says your father protested. He protested in bringing the case to court because of lack of evidence. You would have had to testify against your mother for there to be a witness.’’

All of a sudden the puzzle is complete. The awkward tensions between her parents, so often. She never understood them. The reason her father would never go swimming with them – the scars. All the money.

‘’Sometimes… my mother would go on ''holiday''. ‘’Your mother is in France for two months’’, my father would say. I believed him.’’

She wants to slam her head against her desk. Of course her father never spoke to her! All this time, he was protecting her. She felt sad, angry and confused all at once. As a child, she had not understood. But how could she still have been as blind as an adult? Her mother suddenly seemed a different person. She felt her heart ache at the memory of her as a kind person.

That’s why the people in the village didn’t like her mother. But why, if they all knew, why did they never help her father?

‘’I came here to get answers,’’ she sniffed and laughed bitterly, ‘’seems I’ve just created more questions for myself.’’

The man’s light brown eyes are looking at her again; his hand is warm on hers.

‘’Miss, you came here to know why your mother left. At least that question shall never be unanswered again.’’

She looked into his eyes.

‘’She didn’t leave. You fled.’’