Unrequited Eternally

I’ve known him for so long, from the day when I first saw him. I do not even think he remembers me from all the times I was able to interact with him. But I do know something: I can never be with him. No matter how I wished, how I plead the heavens for a miracle. Because I cannot change how I am now.

It was as if my life was already long foretold. Maybe it was; maybe it was really how my life should go. I didn’t regret my decision, but what made me miserable was the fact that he was always within my reach. I could just grab him anytime, convince him, and run away. But I couldn’t. I could not bear to destroy his happy life. I don’t want to be the one who disrupts his perfect family. It wouldn’t be fair to him. It was not his fault that I fell in love with him. It was mine, and mine alone.

There were times when I told myself how stupid I was. I swore to myself a long time ago that I’d stop falling in love. Stop myself from obsessing over his kind because I would only feel pain. But it was difficult. He was so adorable, so irresistible, and so perfect. He was the man of my dreams, dreams I’ve dreamt ages ago. The kind of man I’ve longed to end up with, spend the rest of my lengthy life beside. He was everything I wish I didn’t give up my perfect life for and succumb to the spell. But then again, if I refused, I wouldn’t have been able to live to see him.

Somehow being what I am has brought about exciting things into my life. I get to meet people from all around the world and have a few flings here and there. I get to travel to places, experience the passage of time like it was a movie. I get to literally travel through time. But this life isn’t always happy. This life, it is a blessing, but also a curse; because I hurt the people I care about.

The hardest thing is saying goodbye. It’s the type of goodbye without proper reason and is the worst type. I mean, you just suddenly disappear from their lives without telling them; without even the most subtle warning. You leave them broken, confused, and angry. But you can’t go back, because you might get carried away and stay. And so you drift away. So far away no one knows where you are. The next thing you know, they’ve grown older, and eventually, passed away. It brings about an ache in your chest that seemingly pierces through your heart continuously as you remember them, not caring as you keep bleeding. It is a sadness that grows stronger every time, one I cannot avoid.

After all the pain and hurt I’ve gone through from my previous relationships, I still broke my promise to never fall in love again. The past guys were all charming and kind, and they will never be erased from my memory. Yet he was altogether a different story. It’s not like those past guys haven’t ever made me feel love, it’s just that he is unique… special. Unpredictable. Lovely. The type to always surprise you when you least expect it. He made my heart flutter even when I could not be with him. Years of watching an awkward boy grow up to be the man I adored. Even from a distance, I was content seeing him. I had loved him with all my heart.

As he grew up and aged, I stayed the same, watching over him like an angel. I watched him ask his first girlfriend when he was in college, who in time became his beautiful wife. I expected the hurt, but the pain that came as I watched him receive his wife into his loving arms was nothing like I’ve experienced before. I told myself to stop being jealous, but it was so heart aching knowing there’s nothing I could’ve done. I had no right. I was not a part of his life. I’ve always wanted to approach him. I couldn’t. I was afraid of never letting him go.

So here I am, 50 years since I first saw him. He’s now retired, living with his wife and grandchildren in that big old house he was raised in. His hair had turned gray, and wrinkles splayed across his forehead and cheeks. Yet he still has those sparkling eyes I became so fond of staring at, and the voice I never stopped listening to. It’s funny, isn’t it? He grew old, his face the mark of the youthfulness time has taken away, but look at me: still young and beautiful and vibrant. And that is why; I can never be with the likes of him. I’ll never be able to live a long happy life until death with my loved one. Because this life I chose meant for me to be alone. Forever seemed to have a tight grip on me.

I still watch over him today, still smile at his antics and jokes. I’m still in love with him. But I’m moving away this year, to another country where I can finally spend a few decades without hurting myself. I’m moving away because I do not want to witness his passing away, whenever that is. It might have been painful to let go of someone you spent time with, but it is a hundred times more painful to watch a loved one vanish forever when you were not there their whole lives.

Pitiful. That’s what I am. I chose this life, and this cycle I can never prepare myself for. I became someone made to love people who will one day leave me. Just like him. Just like all the people who have left me. Will my life always be like this? Will I never get old and die? Will my love be as painful as the syringes I’ve struck upon myself hoping to find a way to grow old? A love that will never stay with me for the rest of my life. Love that’s unrequited. Eternally.

Oh, have I told you? I’m 203 years old this year.

A/N: Just a story inspired by a show I had watched. Super sad and had made me cry. I hope you enjoy this short story. I'm sorry for those still expecting updates for "Duty to Uphold." That might take a little longer. Always, thank you for subscribing, commenting and basically reading my works! :)

-x- justchillin -x-