Author's Note:

It's been a long time guys... I'm sorry I haven't updated in a long time... But here's the next chapter.

You guys might want to re-read the Jonghyun's story again just to get the flow of the story...

- Yoona’s POV -

Um, annyenghasaeyeo um yeorubun. I-It has b-been a while hasn’t it? I don’t even know if I have the right to talk to you anymore. A-after all I have done to two great men, I don’t think I am worthy of your attention anymore.

I-It’s been more than a year already since that night; the most regretful night I have ever had. Since that night, every night, not even one night wasn’t spent in wishing that I didn’t say those words, that I didn’t say I hated him, that I didn’t say I do not want to see him anymore. Not even one night wasn’t spent on wishing I should have said I love him, I should have said I miss him, to stay with me always. But I didn’t. I pushed him away and I knew then that I had to let him go. He’ll be much happier without me right? After what I’ve put him through, I don’t deserve him anymore but my heart was scared of letting him go that till today, Jongie has complete and utter possession of my heart. But I have to let him go. I have to.

Following that night, I’ve been living as a lifeless person. I’ve lost the love of my life but then I had a person to take care of. Seunggi oppa didn’t take that long in the hospital and I accompanied him to his house just three hours after his incident. I took care of him for three straight days, never leaving his side. But my mind was somewhere um somebody else. I would wonder where Jongie was, how he is, is he fine? With all of my conversation with Seunggi oppa, my mind would always wander off to him. How is he? The curiosity was killing me. I had to know.

I left Seunggi oppa to his mom and rushed to our dorm for the first time. I must be a sight right? You would have thought where I got clothes to change with but Seunggi’s mom um bought new ones for me. When I entered, all the girls, minus Taeyeon unnie, were waiting for me in the living room, worried faces staring at me. You know, for those 3 days, none tried to contact me because they know me. They knew I needed space, I needed time, and they waited patiently for me.

I stood by the door way looking at my sisters until Yul unnie stood up, led me to the living room and hugged me tightly. When she hugged me, I cried. I cried like I have never cried in my life. For those 3 days I’ve been acting lifeless, this was the first time I cried. My sisters started hugging me in a group hug while I cried.

“Un-unnie wh-what have I done. What have I done,” I cried as I hugged Yul unnie so tightly.

“Shh. It’s going to be okay, everything’s going to be fine,” Yul unnie whispered, rubbing my back and comforting me.

When I couldn’t cry anymore, when no more tears fell, we all sat on the carpet and they all waited for me to speak.

“H-how is he?” I whispered as I hugged my knees and buried my face between them.

“W-we don’t know. Taeyeon unnie is with him,” Hyunnie said. “Speaking of which, unnie said to call her when you came back. You want to call her unnie? Y-you can find out about Jonghyun oppa.”

“I-It’s fine. I-I um I d-don’t think he would a-appreciate it if I uh asked,” I whispered.

“Yoong, tell us what happened,” Yul unnie said and I did. I told them what we talked about in their dressing room; how he didn’t believe me when I said I loved him. Then I told them what happened at the hospital, and by the time I got to the part I shouted I hate him, the tears started falling again. Then I struggled to finish about how he lied that he beat Seunggi oppa so that I can push him away. So that he can pave the way for me and Seunggi oppa. And by the time I finished, the door suddenly opened and we all stared at the door. Taeyeon unnie just came in and removed her shoes. And when she saw me, she quickly rushed to me and hugged. It all started again, the crying that is.

“I came here as quickly as I could when Hyunnie texted me. Gwenchana?” She asked me but I chose to ignore her question. There’s a more important question burning in my mind. I couldn’t resist asking her even if I said I wouldn’t ask.

“H-how is h-he unnie?” I whispered.

Taeyeon unnie looked uncomfortable with the question. She sighed and said, “H-he’s sleeping at the moment.” I knew unnie wasn’t saying everything. I could smell the alcohol from her clothes. They were from the bar, or from drinking. Well Jonghyun was drinking but I knew unnie wasn’t. I could smell the alcohol from her clothes, not from her breath.

H-he has been drinking again. H-he must be suffering. Again. A-and it was because of me. God can’t I do anything except hurt him? Can’t I do anything besides make him miserable? Can’t you take away his pain and just put it on me? It’s better that way. He has suffered enough.

“Yoong do you want him back?” Taeyeon unnie asked. “We can help you get him back.”

“Yeah we can get the CNBlue brothers to help out. I can get Jungshinnie to tail Jonghyun-ah,“ Sooyoung unnie said.

“Yeah Yong oppa can help,” Hyunnie said.

“And I can force Minhyukkie to help-“ Jessica unnie said but I cut her off.

“I want him to move on from me,” I whispered. And that sparked some heated shouting from my sisters.

“BWO?!” “YAHH IM YOONA!! NEO MICHEOSSEO?!” “UNNIE?! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!” “ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!”

“Look unnie deul and hyunnie,” I started shutting them up. “I-I had put enough hell in his life. I-I don’t want to add any more. I want him to be happy, w-without me in his life.”

 With that said, I got up and I went to my room with Yul unnie following me from behind. But I heard Sunny unnie whispered, “But will he be happy without you in his life?”

I cried myself to sleep with Yul unnie hugging me and comforting me throughout that time. I know he’s going to be happy without me. He will be happy. He has to.

A week has passed, a week used for being alone with myself and pretending to be busy so that my sisters and Seunggi oppa don’t bother me. I spent those times at home, reminiscing about the memories Jonghie and I had, wishing that they still happen today, hoping he will walk up to the front door and hug me tightly, never letting go. But I knew that’s never going to happen. Life is not like a fairytale. My story has no happy ending.

When I got back to the dorm late at night (which was the time I got back so that I could avoid the sadness that fill my sisters eyes when they see me) Taeyeon unnie was waiting for me.

“Yoong come sit with me,” she said immediately as soon as I opened the door. I jumped and clutched my heart at the shock. I didn’t expect anyone to be up this late.

“U-unnie you scared me,” I said as I tried to even my breath.

“Mian,” she said. “Sit here, please Yoong.” She pat the sit beside her.

I obliged but I knew already what she wanted to say. But I let her. I want her to know that I want Jongie to move on from me.

“Yoong, I know you want him to move on, but are you sure that’s what he wanted?” she started.

I sighed and slouched down the couch and looked at the ceiling and whispered, “Honestly unnie, I don’t know what he wanted. I-I um it’s what I wanted for him. He-he’s better off with-without me. I’m a mess, I broke his heart, I crushed his life, and what right do I have to h-have him?” I struggled to keep the tears in bay while Taeyeon unnie looked at me with sadness.

“You know Yoong, for the past week, he struggled with the fact that he has to let you go,” she said and stood up. “Today he decided to move on, are you happy with that?” With an exasperated sigh, she gave me one last look and left me alone.

A-am I happy? I am happy. I am happy. I am happy. I am happy. I-I a-am h-happy. I chanted that in my head but in contrary, I clutched my bleeding heart and I cried my heart out. He’s never going to be mine anymore.

For the next week I buried myself in real work. I told my manager to accept everything. If I wasn’t working, I would be practicing in our studio, whether with the other girls or on my own. I just want to empty my mind and to counter my bleeding heart.

Then came the time CNBlue won, I was excited and anxious that I could finally see him in person. Even though he couldn’t see me when he performed but I could clearly see him. He looked fine, he’s fine. The hell I put him was fading bit by bit and then I knew, I made the right decision. Letting him go was the right decision. That time we had to be on the same stage, I couldn’t help but ogle at his back. It was both ecstasy and torture to be near him but never to be beside him. Then he suddenly turned and our eyes met. Those gorgeous eyes that I dreamed of every night stared at me. Time stood still and I smiled at him, happy that he’s doing fine and he’s on the mend, from me. When G.O took his attention away from me, I rushed out trying to hold the tears that want to gush out. He’s forgetting about me. He’s moving on. D-do I have to move on too? C-can I do that too? I-I d-don’t t-think I can. I-I don’t want to.

My mind wasn’t with my body that entire afternoon. My mind was on the face of Jonghyun while my body was led somewhere by my sisters.  I trust my sisters on where they led me while my mind was busy with how Jonghyun is forever slipping away from me. I sighed deeply and it brought me back to earth. I sat in a sofa in a restaurant with a cocktail in my hand. I looked around and saw that I was in a party and how there are CNBlue banners hanging around I’m at their celebration party for winning. I sat up straight immediately and looked around. I-Is he here? H-He can’t miss this party right?

I stood up to scan the crowd and strained my eyes trying to look for the man who has been etched in mind.

“He’s not here Yoona-yah,” someone said behind me. I jumped from the shock and set the cocktail that spilt on my hand on a nearby table. I turned around and saw it was Yonghwa oppa. The shock doubled over and eyes widen at the realization that he’s using Banmal with me comfortably. Um uh since I uh hurt Jonghyun, the CNBlue brothers built enmity towards me. Although they tried so hard to control and hide it but it doesn’t take a genius to unravel their enmity towards me.

“N-ne?” Was all I could manage to utter in my disbelief.

“Come sit with us,” Yonghwa oppa gestured his head towards where the CNBlue brothers and significant others were hanging around. He wasn’t there.

I slowly nodded and nervously walked to their sofa. Wh-whats going on?

“Um ladies can you give us some privacy for a bit,” Yonghwa oppa said and with a smile, Eunjung-ssi, Krystal and Hyunnie left of course with a small peck or kiss on the cheek on the boys. They’re making me jealous, at least they’re happy and in love. I’m heartbroken and alone- wait. I-I’m not alone. Seunggi oppa. With a sigh I sat on the chair that Jungshin offered me.

“Noona calm down, we’re not going to bite,” Minhyuk smiled at me but I was still in a daze. They’re not at any point giving me the cold shoulder.

“H-hi g-guys, um uh, um w-what d-do you w-want to t-talk about?” I stuttered nervously. I looked down on my hands fearing that everything was just a front and I would feel their cold stares looking down upon me.

“Here noona, this should help calm your nerves,” Jungshin handed me a cup filled with ice cream, strawberry. Strawberry? I-isn’t that h-his favorite? T-they should know that. I looked up at them and they were smiling understandably and I knew those smiles were genuine because like my sisters towards me, they too were protective of their members, especially to Jonghyun. I smiled back.

“It has been a long time hasn’t it,” I whispered while enjoying the strawberry ice cream. Lots of memories were running through my mind at the moment. That ice cream held one of the most beautiful memories I had with Jonghyun. One where we messed up their dorm in a food fight with CNBlue brothers and my sisters. Jongie was my knight in shining armor, trying to protect me from incoming food missiles sent from my sisters. Unfortunately strawberry ice cream got past his superb defense and hit me square in my face (some aim from Yul unnie kekeke). I gave a squeal and landed straight on my . Jongie immediately knelt down in front me asking if I was fine. He was so sweet that I just smiled and said I’ve never felt better. He suddenly grinned and said quite audibly for everyone to hear, “You know Yongie, strawberry’s my favorite.” And he kissed me so passionately that I forgot where I was, I forgot the people around us. It was just us, just me and my Jongie.

“Noona,” Minhyuk said cutting me off from my reverie bringing me back to reality. “We heard from SNSD noonas that you want uri Jonghyun hyung to move on. I-is that true?”

All the happiness that bubbled in me popped like balloons and it was replaced with melancholy. “Y-yes. P-please hel-help him-“

“Are you out of your mind noona?” Jungshin suddenly burst out. I got shocked from his reaction. What does he mean I’m out of my mind? Don’t they want him to move on from me?

“Yoona-yah, look,” Yonghwa oppa said trying to calm Jungshin down. “You two are soul mates. He’s your Yong while you’re his Hyun. You’re his Yongie and he’s your Jongie. We noticed that. Every mention of your name always brings a reaction out of him, before, now and until the future. We know him that much Yoona-yah. He might hide it behind his dimple smile, he might seem fine but we know he isn’t. He thinks he’s trying to forget about you completely but we could see what he’s trying to do is to forget the bad things that happened because deep inside he still believes you’re his Yongie that would accept him and loves him. Jonghyun is unconsciously trying to forgive you Yoona-yah. And by the looks of it he’s almost there.”

“Yeah noona,” Minhyuk said and smiled at me. “You see we don’t see him cry that much already. He doesn’t mope around and we could see that he misses you. He would go blank for a sec at the sight of that spot in the corner at our dorm where you know, the strawberry ice cream kiss.”

I smiled sadly and shook my head. “G-guys I’m so s-sorry but please let him move on from me. M-my situation is c-complicated.”

All 3 of them seemed to understand what I said and all of them sighed.

“Arasseo noona,” Jungshin said. “We’ll let him ‘move on’ from you. Just don’t estrange yourself from us okay. Like I said before, you’re still part of our family.”

With that they smiled at me and left me to look for their girlfriends. They left me to my thoughts.

Jonghyun. My Jonghyun. My Jongie. After everything I have done to you, after I cheated on you, why? Why do you still miss me? Why? If y-you come back I’m sure you’re going to get hurt. I’m okay if I suffered, just not you. Just not you. As long as you’re safe, I’ll be fine. As long as you’re happy, I don’t care what happens to me.

Weeks passed and I unwillingly got daily updates from Taeyeon unnie about him. How’s he’s doing, what they did for that they, how he felt at the end of the day, how he’s laughing heartily, how his smiles are reaching his ears. All those became my life line, although at first I didn’t want to hear because it didn’t feel right, I do not know if he would have wanted me to know. But as the days passed, I initiated the daily routine of asking unnie about him. It brought a smile to her face but I was too engrossed on what she’s saying about Jonghyun to care about what she’s thinking. I didn’t notice that a month has passed and unnie brought some hot topic to me.

Unnie was late for our daily “talk” and I couldn’t sleep without hearing anything about him. It was almost 3am when I heard the door softly open. The other girls were asleep peacefully but I couldn’t find the peace sleep offers until I hear from unnie. When unnie came to the living room, she didn’t get shocked that I would be there; it was more like she was expecting me to be there. Her expression right now was of melancholy.

“Yoong,” she said as she sat beside me and hugged me.

I was nervous and paranoid! Did something happen to him?  “W-wae unnie? Wh-why are you like t-this? D-did something happen?” I stuttered and I nervously waited for her reply.

After a while she let go of me and looked at me sadly saying, “Yoong do you really don’t want him anymore?”

I got shocked that unnie was talking about that again but on the inside I was happy that nothing happened to him but unnie’s expression was still making me nervous. “U-unnie, we’ve talked about this. I-I don’t deserve him-“

“Yoong, I’m singing a song with Jonghyun. We just recorded it a while ago. He’s going to talk with Ssajangnim tomorrow.” She cut me. W-what? W-what’s going on? A-a song? “Yoong it’s about his feelings for you. It’s about what he’s feeling for you right now, at this moment.”

I-I was speechless. A-a song? About us? About wh-what’s he’s feeling right now.

“Y-yoong do you want to hear it?” Unnie asked me softly. S-should I? If-if he wrote this song and w-wanted to release it, doesn’t that sound like h-he w-wanted me to hear it? So I nod my head and unnie  took her phone out and tapped on the song. “Yoong please think about what you want. Please.” She left me to listen to his song.

For the next 4 minutes, I had never felt so happy, so hurt, and so heartbroken in my life. Those emotions were felt in quick succession. The first part of the song, it talked about how sweet, how warm and how loved he felt. I was so happy I made him feel that but the chorus broke my heart. For the first time in my life, I've realized I have been an evil person. How could I put him through all that pain. A person should never feel this kind of pain. The way he phrased the lyrics, broke my heart, and the fact that it was all my doing added more pain to my heart.

I then realized for this past month, I have been harboring hope. Hope that filled my heart and my life that we, Jonghyun and I, have a chance to be together. I hoped and wished that he would come back to me. It may have been influenced by what the boys said, what my unnies and Hyunnie wanted to show. I have been holding it up, building it nurturing it bit by bit unconsciously. But the title "You were once mine" broke it all down. He-he's letting me go. All my hope burst, spreading acid throughout my body. It hurts. Neomu apeo.

You were once mine.

You were once my Jongie. But n-no more. I-I can't call you mine again, I can't hold your hand anymore, I can't hug you anymore. I-I have to let you go too. I-It's unfair of me to still hold you in my heart when you clearly want to move on. I uh I will let you. If that's what you want I-I'll let you. Even if it cost me my life I will let you.

Annyeong.

I cried myself to sleep in the living room. I can't bear to let Yul unnie hear me cry. I don't want to pull anyone down with me in this abyssal pit I fell in. The next thing I remember was being shaken awake by Hyunnie who looked at me worriedly, probably from the dry tear streaks on my cheeks.

"Unnie gwenchana?" She asked worriedly. I rubbed my already puffed up eyes and just nodded my response.

I slowly got up as Hyunnie was preparing breakfast but she would always glance at me, trying to check up on me. It made me self-conscious and I went to Taeyeon unnie's room to give her back her phone. She was still asleep thankfully and I went to our room and washed up. I needed to get things out of my head, I want to forget everything. So I went somewhere where I could release all emotions pent up inside me: dancing.

I said a hurried goodbye to Hyunnie who was busy cooking breakfast and drove myself to SME. I rushed to our practice room. I stood there alone in the middle of our studio looking at my pitiful self. I could still see my eyes are still puffy and a bit red from all the crying last night. I could see the sadness in my eyes, the hallowed feeling I feel inside being reflected in my eyes. I wanted to drown myself in my loneliness and I chose a ballad song and danced to it.

(I was listening to Jongkook’s sad song specifically ‘To Her Man’ when I wrote this part. It’s quite a slow and painful song; it really fits the image I had in my head)

I danced slowly. I closed my eyes and let my body flow with the music, my mind blank and devoid of any thought as I let my body release it all. I didn’t know how long I danced but the music just keep playing over and over again that I reveled in my state of mind. It was empty, I couldn’t think of anything, couldn’t feel anything. It was just me and the music. That is until someone turned off the music.

It was like being bathed with cold water, reality came flooding back to me and I couldn’t hold the emotional stress I am in. The tears poured uncontrollably and my knees gave way and I crumbled on the floor crying my eyes out. The person or the people who turned off my music surrounded me and hugged me tightly. Why is this happening to me? WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!!

Amidst all the comfort words that my all of my sisters said to me Taeyeon unnie’s words were the clearest to me, and it wasn’t  pointed at me but someone more important than me.

“Oh Jonghyun-ah, when are you going to meet Ssajangnim?” she softly said. Of all they said, Jonghyun-ah’s name was the clearest. Unnie didn’t want me to hear but I did, clear as a bell. I focused on her words more than what the others were saying.

“Jjinjja? Why didn’t you tell me? I could have accompanied you at least to the door.” Unnie said. By this time I had already calmed down and every one of us paid attention to Taeyeon unnie’s back.

“Arasseo little boy, what happened with the meeting?” she said. W-wait, he’s here? He met with Ssajangnim? H-he really wanted to r-release that s-song.

“Ne I’m at our practice room. Wae?”

“Aah i-if you w-want to b-but um J-Jonghyun-ah. A-all the girls a-are here. All of them.” She nervously stuttered. W-whats going?

When she put down his phone, she spun around and looked at me nervously and said, “He’s coming here-“

I hastily stood up and immediately went for the door but all my sisters blocked my way.

“Yoong, I-I think he wants to meet with you,” Taeyeon unnie said. I shook my head vigorously. I would not believe that. I can’t believe that.

“Yoong, please meet with him. Just one tim-“ Jessica unnie started but I shook my head vigorously.

“Unnie I’m giving up. I don’t want to keep on hoping that he will come back anymore. I want to let him go.” I said as I tried to fight my way out of the door but there were 8 of them holding me back.

Yul unnie shouted, “Geumanhe Im Yoona! Stop torturing yourself! It hurts that we have to see you slip away bit by bit everyday. Yoong don’t you want to be happy?!”

I stopped fighting back and looked down at all the hands that were holding me back. I softly and gently removed all of it and looked at them. I really do have wonderful sisters, I couldn’t ask for more to stay by my side forever but this is my choice. “I-I want to uh thank you all for taking care of me b-but this i-is my decision. P-please I want to move on from him.” I had to lie to them. I had to lie so that my sisters do not involve Jonghyun in any of their schemes. My sisters are tenacious on fighting for each other’s happiness. I’m no exception. They would find a way to bring back Jonghyun to me b-but I can’t. I’ve hurt him too much already.

They all gasped and were shocked at what I said. “I-I don’t know if I could but his song, I want to honor it. I’m going to let him go. I’ve hurt him too much. I don’t want to add anymore. As long as he’s happy I’ll be fine. I-I’ll be fine.”

With that said, I left my sisters frozen and astounded with what I said. “I’m going first unnie deu-“ as I opened the door my world stopped moving.

He’s here. Oh how I wanted to see him one last time face to face. I wanted to memorize his face one last time. I wanted to touch him, hold his hand, and hug him one last time before I let him move on from me. But I couldn’t. So I bowed and said, “Hello and goodbye Jongi- uh Jonghyun-ssi.” This will be the last time we will meet Jonghyun. My Jongie. I walked away.

Don’t look back.

Don’t look back.

Don’t look back.

But I did but he wasn’t standing there anymore. I stood there looking at the spot he used to be standing at. And I ran away the tears streaming down my cheeks. I ran to a place where I would always be accepted, no matter what happened. I went home.

I ran up to my father’s arms and I cried in his arms with my unnie hugging both of us. Why did this have to happen to me? Why? Why are you so stupid Yoona?! WHY?!

For a month that would be my routine. I would work, mingle with my members for a bit, and then rush home. My sister and appa knew what I’m going through. I told them on that first day. Their reaction was surprisingly understanding. They already knew what was going on or at least an abstract of the situation. They noticed that I don’t mention Jonghyun anymore, he doesn’t call or visit like he used to. Then the scandal broke out and they were confused on what was happening and I filled up the missing pieces of information. But I could still their confusion in their eyes but they try not to show it. That is until my unnie mentioned it.

“Yoong, I have to be blunt here. You are together with Seunggi-ssi right?” she suddenly asked when the both of us are in our pajamas and just randomly talking about anything except Him.

I was obviously shocked with the question so I hesitantly nodded.

My response distorted her face into confusion. “Do you still love Jonghyun-ah?”

“With all my life,” I whispered without any hesitation. Was it because I have accepted the fact that I would only love him or was it the fact that I am comfortable with my unnie that I didn’t even thought twice of the question.

“Yoong, then why are you still with Seunggi-ssi? Isn’t it unfair to him that you are still with him while you love someone else? Do you even meet with him anymore?”

“S-sometimes,” I answered with guilt covered my answer. It has been almost 3 months till that night and I would meet with Seunggi oppa but he would be the one to initiate it. Even our text, I wouldn’t be the first one to text, he would be the one.

“Yoong don’t you think it’s time to let him go? It would be painful for him to stay in this relationship any longer, and to you too.” That was what my unnie last said to me as she told me to sleep early and that tomorrow is an important date. It left me to think that I am really a bad person. What am I doing to Seunggi oppa? I had been very selfish and thoughtless of him. He has treated me well so far, a perfect boyfriend material, but – but my heart only sings Jonghyun’s name.

The next day I scrambled to get all of my stuff and hurried of to our dorm. I suddenly got a distress text from Tiffany unnie saying that something bad happened. I don’t know what but the way she phrased it was short, blunt and straight to the point. Tiffany unnie always put flowery words and emoticons in her text and this lacked those.

“Unnie?! What happe-“ I shouted as soon as I opened the door but 3 pair of hands cut me off and I was dragged to the living room and forcefully sat on a chair. 8 pairs of eyes then stared down at me.

“W-what’s going on?” I asked, scared of their expression and at the glare of their eyes.

“Don’t you know what’s happening today?” Jessica unnie asked me to which I shook my head.

“Today is a very important day in Korea. You seriously don’t know?” Sooyoung unnie asked me incredulously. I just blankly stared at them. What’s with this day anyway? Even my own sister said today was an important day.

Sunny unnie shook her head in disbelief and said, “Today is the release of Jonghyun’s and Taeng’s Music Video. You had to have been living under a rock not to know that.” Shocked, I look at Taeyeon unnie and she was chuckling at my reaction.

I-I didn’t know. After I listened to the song, I stubbornly refused to listen to Taeyeon unnie’s daily update. And I’ve lost interest in Korea’s day to day happenings so I have no idea what’s going on. And why is it an important date to Korea anyway?

“W-why is it important to Korea a-anyway? I-I know it’s a um a really good song-“ I asked Taeyeon unnie but she laughed quite loud, her signature ahjumma laugh.

“Didn’t you know? I’m dating with Jonghyun-ah,” she said as she tossed me her iPad and I looked at the article it has opened titled: “CNBlue’s Lee Jonghyun and SNSD’s Taeyeon are dating!”

…

…

Heartbreak, betrayal, pain, suffering. I felt all those. He finally moved on from me a-and i-it’s w-with Tae-Taeyeon unnie. I looked up with the tears pilling up in my eyes and I was blinded by a flash.

“Oooh nice picture Yul. We’ll keep that. Yoong’s betrayed look.” Sooyoung unnie said as she gazed upon a camera held by Yul unnie. W-wait, h-how could they be this evil? I-I’m dying here and t-they’re making fun of me-

“Yoong calm down,” Taeyeon unnie said as she smiled at me. “Obviously we’re not dating. I mean yeah Jonghyun-ah is a great guy but you know that he and I never really clicked in that way. Those are just lies trying to explain why an SM artist has a duet with another artist outside the company. You know the usual scandals.”

I was still skeptic on what unnie said. In all honesty I knew about their weird relationship but I saw how the both of them influence each other positively. I mean he did save unnie from her masochistic nature and I could see how unnie is saving him currently and I had my doubts about the two. But I felt the sincerity and humor in unnie’s words that I was able to finally breathe in properly. Another flash from the camera and I stared annoyed at Yul unnie but then another flash which made me scream, “YAH!! YUL UNNIE STOP-“

“Nice! Relieved and Angry Yoong at the same time. Good going Yul,” Hyoyeon unnie said while smirking at me. I just sighed down and tried to calm down myself.

When I have calmed down, I asked, “Um so why hold me here? What are you planning-“

“I have finished downloading it!” Hyunnie suddenly shouted and they all bustled around me and turned me to face the TV. And there it was, their music video.

Everything was quiet, everything was still. It was just me and the music video. It’s my first time listening to the official music and even though I have heard it before, it still cuts me deep within my heart. I mainly focused on Jonghyun’s face. He looks like a prince, he has always been handsome but something was different this time. I can notice that his body has bulged, people may not notice but I’ve seen his body before and it has chan- wait stop stop! D-don’t think about th-that Yoong. You promised you will not think about t-that-

Squealing and giggling around me brought me out of my thoughts as I looked weirdly at my sisters who looked intently at the screen. It was at that point where they had their kissing scene. T-they were re-really um really going at it. I couldn’t look at it anymore and I looked sideways. Huge mistake. I think that Taeyon unnie knew I would be like this and she’s teasing while pucking her lips up and making kissing sounds.

“I could see why you like him Yoong. He’s a good kisser,” she smirked at me while I glared back accompanied with a flash. I stood up and went to my room leaving my sisters talking on their kiss. I slammed the door behind me, my blood boiling hot.

“YAH! YOONG ARE YOU THAT JEALOUS THAT I KISSED HIM?!” Taeyeon unnie screamed from the living room which was accompanied by giggling from the others.

Unnie was right. I am so angry because I am jealous. I longed for his kiss, for his hand wrapped around mine, for him to say my name, for him to look at me just like before. I slumped down on my bed, massaging my head trying to control my emotions. I couldn’t help but be jealous. I am freaking jealous. I want to shout out my frustration but I couldn’t. My members are already teasing me as it is and they would continue doing so if they heard me shout.

For the next month, without fail, I was fuming with jealousy. It went to the point that I started avoiding my sisters because of their antics. They wouldn’t stop teasing me, every sentence they made had something to do Jonghyun. LITERALLY. Even our maknae Hyunnie always had the words “Jonghyun Oppa”, “kiss”, “jealous” in her sentences. That is why I have “moved out” of the dorm and currently staying at our house. I haven’t really moved out but I spent my free time at home and not with my members. Unlike them, my real sister understands me and she sacrificed her time just to spend time with me. I felt guilty but I feel really loved by my sister.

Then the Roommate episode aired. I watched it at home with my sister and what I thought before was right. His body grew! Jongkook oppa really did him good. But I was still pissed. Everyone, including my sister, the one who I trusted to keep a rational mind, my members, everyone is fawning over my Jonghyun’s body.  Wait did I say ‘my’? U-um I don’t know why I’m being over-protective over s-someone who’s n-not m-mine. Even if he’s not mine anymore, I’m still boiling with anger and detest on everyone who’s calling his name lustfully. Even the netizens who are also cropping his pictures alongside them made me angry to pieces.

My members didn’t help me with my anger issues. They only added oil to it. It came to the point that instead of hanging out with them, I look at them murderously and point blank ignore them. They would always tease me especially Taeyeon unnie who ‘saw’ and ‘touch’ my Jongh- wait Jonghyun’s body. For one month I felt nothing but anger and jealousy. That is until the end of that month. I would have preferred to stay angry and jealous, but not this. Not this.

I came home to our dorm after an endless blabbering of my sister about Jonghyun. Believe it or not, it’s still a trending topic for a whole month. When I opened the door, the girls were waiting for me which does not bode well with me. They’re going to tease again aren’t they?

I ignored them and walked to my room when Taeyeon unnie talked first, “Yoong w-we h-have s-something to t-tell you.” She said it nervously but I wouldn’t buy it. They’ve done this before, pretending that they‘re hurt, or nervous or what not and then start screaming how hot Jonghyun is.

“Unnie, I’m not going to fall for it. Stop talking about how hot Jonghyun is, how you want to him to hug you or stuff like that. I’m sick and tired of you guys talki-“ I stopped halfway. I expected to start teasing me already as per the usual but they weren’t looking at me directly. Instead of the smiles I expected to see, they were gloomy and were avoiding eye contact with me.

“Yoong, Jonghyun-ah’s leaving,” Taeyeon unnie whispered while she looked at me with melancholic eyes.

It can’t be true right? He’s leaving? “U-unni you’re joking right? W-what do you mean he’s leaving? Leaving where exactly?”

“W-we were scouted to do a movie in States, I refused thinking that he too would refuse b-but he didn’t. He just texted me that h-he’s moving to States 3 d-days from now,” Taeyeon unnie whispered.

I-I couldn’t believe what I heard. He’s leaving.

“Yoong, please, I’m begging you, meet with him. For your sake and for his. He’s having a farewell party in two days’ time and you can meet with him there-“

“Aniya unnie,” I calmly said, a calm I did not feel. I’m breaking, bleeding for him to stay. “I-I won’t meet with him unnie.”

I stood up slowly and walked to my room and slumped myself to my bed. I just lay there thinking, wishing he would stay. I just stare at the ceiling and slowly, tears dropped one by one.  Feeling helpless and lonely at the fact I can’t force him to stay, I just dwell on my tears streaming bit by bit. Maybe it’s better for him to go, maybe this is what he needs to move on from me, maybe this is what we both need. Maybe.

So on the day of his farewell party, for the first time in a long time, I asked Seunggi Oppa to dinner. He was more than happy to oblige and we were dining at a restaurant quite far from the event that Taeyeon unnie texted me the address to go to. I didn’t want the temptation to peek inside and look at him.

As I entered the restaurant, Seunggi oppa was already waiting for me and he waved his hand to catch my attention. I smiled slightly and paved my way to him. He pulled my chair and assisted me to sit down.

“You look beautiful,” he said. I smiled my gratitude. I really did try to dress up with make up on for Seunggi oppa just to try to spice things up. But I didn’t feel anything. I was just glad that he noticed my attempt to dress up but I didn’t feel the butterflies in my stomach, this is all wrong. i have to try harder. But if Jonghyun said that to me, he would have shown his beautiful dimples while saying that I’m beautiful- Dugun dugun. A blush crept to my face and I fanned myself.

This is so wrong. I have a date with my boyfriend and I am still thinking of another guy being here with me. This is so wro-

“Yoona? Yoona, are you there?” Seunggi oppa waved a hand in front of me trying to catch my attention.

I woke up from my reverie and said, “Ne, oppa?”

“I said what would like to order?” He asked me.

“U-um I’ll have what you ordered oppa,” I half-heartedly replied.

“Are you sure? It’s spicy and you don’t eat spicy food,” he looked at me questioningly. “Yoona? Are you alright?”

Yeah Yoona, are you really alright? “N-neh oppa. I-I’m fi-fine.“ I replied, uncertain of my answer.

“Please Yoona don’t lie. Are you okay?”

“Ne oppa I’m fine-“

“No you’re not,” he said abruptly. It shocked me out of my reverie and looked at Seunggi Oppa fully. He has an exasperated face, a worn out face and he’s rubbing his temples with his fingers. I was shocked to see him like this. Come to think of it, this may have been the very first time I’ve seen him like this. After a while he looked at me and I gave him my attention as I waited for him to speak. He smiled sadly at me and said:

“You know you can go to his farewell party Yoona.” He whispered but I clearly heard every single word he said.

I was dumbfounded and I stammered, “W-what do y-you mean oppa?”

“Jonghyun-ssi’s farewell party. I-I know that’s what been bothering you the whole time. You’re fidgeting, your hands can’t keep still, you’re undecided and you keep on looking at your watch. You want to meet him Yoona.” His words kept me struck, frozen on my chair as I knew his words rings with truth. I-I do want to meet with Jonghyun, but it’s what’s best for us-

Seunggi oppa took my hand and looked at me across the table, his eyes full of sincerity. “Yoona, I do not want you to hurt yourself like this. You’re torturing yourself, and it’s because of me.”

No it can’t be. What is he saying? “Aniyo oppa! It’s not because of you-“

“Yes it is Yoona,” He firmly said. He softly caressed my hands and he cupped my cheek. “If we hadn’t met in that party, if I wasn’t selfish that night, if I didn’t ask you to choose me, if I didn’t ask you to me mine on that night, none of this would have happened. You wouldn’t be here, hurting. I wouldn’t have cause Jonghyun to feel what he wrote in that song.” He paused and continued, “I wouldn’t be here, Yoona. I wouldn’t be here feeling guilty on breaking two soulmates apart.”

By now the tears have started falling; my mind was blank, filled with his words echoing throughout my head.

He looked down on our hands together and raised my hand for me to see, “This hand wasn’t mine to hold.”

“Wh-what a-are you tr-trying to say oppa?” I barely managed to whisper.

“You belong to him as he belongs to you.” He said solemnly as he retracted his hands. “Let’s break up Yoona.” A sense of emptiness surge through me as the tears still flow continuously.

Maybe it’s time to let him go. It’s only fair right? I slowly nodded and looked down. I couldn’t look at him straight on. He stood up and I thought he was leaving but he took my hand and slowly led me outside. When we got outside he removed his coat, put it on my shoulders and hailed me a taxi. He slowly raised my chin and he was relieved? I’m not sure but he didn’t look sad. He smiled at me and said softly, “Go get him back.”

Dumbstruck, he led me into the taxi, closed the door softly and instructed driver the address of the restaurant where Jonghyun’s having his farewell party. With that said, he looked at me again and said, “Good luck.” And the taxi sped off.

What just happened? I thought he would be furious, cursing me to the ends of the world. But he was supportive, kind and loving. I-I didn’t deserve that from him.  I quickly looked back but the taxi has gone far. I slumped back at my seat and cried silently. He’s a good man and I don’t deserve him, but…

Go get him back.

Yes oppa. I will.

20 minutes later, I started cursing my decision of choosing a restaurant far away from the party. It was getting late and the party is ending soon. It didn’t help that the traffic was jammed and we weren’t moving an inch.

“Ahjussi are we there yet?” I asked anxiously at the driver.

“Mianheyo aghassi but this jam is not moving. I should have turned right from the last junction-“

“Please hurry up ahjussi.” I begged him.

“I will try but no promises.”

True to his word, he did speed up but I still arrived an hour later. I hastily paid the driver and run to the event but to my dismay it was empty. The staffs were cleaning the mess and I stood by the door, my heart sinking.

“Yoona-ssi, umm what are you doing here?” The manager suddenly appeared.

“W-when did they leave if I may ask?”

“30 minutes ago, if I can recall but Jonghyun-ssi just went out 5 minutes ago-“

I rushed outside, my heels clicking behind me. I didn’t care if I looked haggard, I just have to see him, talk to him, tell him to take me back, to start over…

…

…

…

But I was too late…

I saw his Van going away… taking the person I wanted to see the most away… away from me…

Maybe this is karma. Maybe this is my punishment. After I played around with two great men’s hearts, this had to be my punishment: I lost both of them. Maybe it had to be this way. Maybe it was for the better that I stay alone, alone in my sadness and solitude… maybe we weren’t meant to be…

Since then, I became senseless, automated and robotic. I did what I was told without any complain. I smiled when I was told to smile, I act when I was told to act, I danced and sang when I was told to. My mind was blank for the next few months. My sisters really got worried. They didn’t know what happened since that day and I didn’t talk about it, I refused to talk about it. They didn’t ask anymore and tried to bring me out of my shell but I refused any invitation to go outside. Whenever I got a free time, I would be in my bedroom staring at the ceiling. I just go out when I feel hungry, or work. That was my routine until October came and my breakup with Seunggi oppa got out.

I remember that day, I got home from work and I was immediately dragged into the living room as all my sisters looked at up me worriedly.

“Are you ok?” Taeyeon unnie asked me worriedly.

I looked at her blankly and gave a small nod.

“Yoong why didn’t you tell us?” Yul unnie asked me. All the girls were looking at me worriedly.

“Tell you what exactly?” I asked them. I blankly looked at each of them, I don’t know what’s going on and I have no energy to care at all.

“Your breakup with Seunggi sunbaenim unnie,” Hyunnie told me.

Oh that. I shrugged my shoulders and went to my room to change. Taeyeon and Yul unnie followed me, looking at me worriedly like I’m a ticking time bomb. Like they expect me to break down and cry, but I don’t feel like crying anymore. It’s better for me not to feel anything at all, right?

As I finished changing, as per my usual routine, I lay in my bed and stared at the ceiling. I felt two bodies lay beside me and thin arms s there ways around me.

“Yoong do you want to talk about it?” Taeyeon unnie asked.

“Not really unnie. There’s nothing to talk about.” I replied nonchalantly.

“Why didn’t you tell us Yoong. I thought we didn’t keep secrets?” Yul unnie asked.

“It didn’t cross my mind really.”

“Should I tell Jonghyun about thi-“ Taeyeon unnie started but I sat up and semi-shouted. “Don’t you dare do that unnie!”

My two sisters got up too, shocked at my outburst. That had been my first show of emotions in a long time. “Yoong calm down. I’m just going to mention it to him-“

“No unnie. Please don’t. I-I don’t want his sympathy, or  yours, or anyone’s. I don’t want it. This is my choice. Please don’t tell him.”

With that said, I got up and walked to the door but I was hugged from behind by Yul unnie. “Things will work out Yoong. Just don’t outcast yourself from us ok.”

I heaved a big sigh and said, “I’m fine really. Really. It’s in the past. Things can’t get any worse anyways.” With that I left the dorm, with 8 pairs of eyes looking at my back.

But things did get worse.  Following the news about my break up with Seunggi oppa, the netizen has started harboring hatred towards me. Comments like I used him to increase my popularity, what a leach I am, what a fake two-faced b*tch I was, spread like wild fire and the netizen seemed to agree to it. Regardless to the fact that both agencies released official statements that we both parted in good conditions and that the allegations were false, the hatred was still present. It came to the fact that Seunggi Oppa h-had t-to step in. H-he defended me. After all I’ve done, he still defended me. But it was to no avail, the netizen wouldn’t hear a word of it. KYM Ssajangnim told me explicitly not to say anything but in reality, I don’t have anything to say.

I agree with the netizen.

That I am a leach. A leach not of his popularity but a leach of his love that seemed to make me afloat amidst the sea of grief that I lost Jonghyun.

I felt bad. I accepted all the netizen’s curses, death threats and worse of all, their physical attacks. For eight months, I had accepted it all. I got booed on stages, people screaming curses left and right. Then it all became violent. They started throwing eggs, fruits, and anything within arm-reach. My sisters were angry. So angry that we had to reschedule a performance because they wouldn’t want to perform to “useless and inconsiderate mongrels” (Tiffany unnie’s words). When that happened, SNSD were critiqued on unprofessionalism and they should have performed nonetheless.

It dawned to me that I am becoming a burden to my sisters, manager, to KYM Ssajangnim, to SME. I filed my resignation from all activities of SNSD, a permanent hiatus. I sent it to KYM Ssajangnim without my members’ knowledge and he immediately called me and profoundly refused to sign it.

“This will pass Yoona. This. Will. Pass. You hear me?” He said firmly but I shook my head.

“Sir, I can’t endanger my members’ careers due to my mistakes. I just can’t. I have become a burden to everyone around me. Let me leave please sir,” I begged him. But he still shook his head.

He sighed heavily and massaged his temples, “Look Yoona, I will not sign this paper and you will always be a member of SNSD. I know things are looking bleak but please do not do this. Your members will be heartbroken that you will be gone. What I can do for you is to give you two weeks. Two weeks of break. Please think this through.”

With that I had just immediately packed up secretly and I just chose a random day to leave without my sisters knowing. KYM Ssajangnim was right, I need some alone time. I need to be alone and I just know where to go that no one would know except for my family.

I didn’t discuss much with my father and my sister; I just ask for the keys and went straight on my way. It might be rude but they knew that I need time, they knew my situation already.

It was a long drive, the highway soon become a rough muddy road but not for long. The road smoothens to a pavement, revealing a villa, my parent’s honeymoon villa when their relationship was still right. Just like we were once, Jonghyun and I. I went here because I just wanted to remember him and not anything else. The memories we shared in this house are… were… the most precious memories I’ve ever had.

I parked the car in front of the villa, grabbed my bags and opened the front door. It didn’t take long till nostalgia hit me and I was taken through the string of memories hidden deep within my heart.

He carried me bridal style here.

He kissed me sweetly here.

He hugged me tightly here. It was warm.

He did this. He did that. He stood here and there.

Every spot of the house had a memory. I dumped my bags on the sofa in the living room. It has been almost a year since I’ve been last here and yet the house is still neat. My father must have appointed someone to take care of the house.

My stomach suddenly grumbled quite audibly and I got shocked of the sound. I laughed lightly at the sound which didn’t last quite a bit since there might be no food in this house. I trudged to the pantry expecting no food at all but was surprised to see canned goods that haven’t expired. Well better than nothing I guess. I quickly whoop dinner and I carried my bowl of food around the house, still reminiscing about our week-long vacation here.

When was the last time he held me like that? How he kissed me like that? How he tickled me like that? How he said my name like that?

Questions like that went through my head as if I could see visions of me and Jongie in reality, dancing around the house.

I sighed deeply, my demeanor worse than before and opened the last room I haven’t checked yet. My body froze as the images in my head spewed over the lock that guarded my memories with him. This was the place where I first gave myself to a man, to Jongie. The only one time I gave myself fully to him. I remembered how he touched me, how he said my name, how he kissed me, how he-

NO! DON’T THINK ABOUT THAT! My head screamed and I was jerked away from the memories I held deep within me. I ran as if my life depended on it and sat in the sofa, dumped the bowl I had at the table and hugged my knees near me.

I swore I would never think about that. I swore. It was the only way for me not to miss him badly, but who am I kidding right? I’ve been missing him since that day I’ve lost him. Since that day that I pushed him away. Since that day I died inside. The tears have spilt and I cried and cried till I blank out

~ * ~

I suddenly jerked myself awake from a nightmare I’ve always had every night. Me chasing him into the darkness, never reaching his hand, my screams never reaching him.

For 8 months, you would have thought that I would have gotten accustomed to that dream but it has always shook me right up just like the first time it happened to me. It was a constant reminder that I’m never getting him back, never getting to hold his hand, never.

I shook myself wide awake, stretched and looked around. Oh right, I was at my parent’s villa. I wiped the dried tears off my face and I sighed. I haven’t changed one bit. I stood up, noticing the food I made last night on the table, grabbed the bowl and washed it. I made a fresh batch of breakfast from what I could find in the pantry and slowly ate. The silence emanating from the house just made me think and all I could think about is him. I can’t seem to take my mind off him, how do I move on? Do I even want to move on? Do I even want to let go of all our memories together? But I miss him-

Aish Im Yoona! You took 2 weeks off to heal and get things straight, not ponder on what could’ve been. He-he’s never coming back. It-it’s about time to start letting go.

I fought the tears back and made a resolution that I will at least try. If I couldn’t, I will be fine with him in my heart. If I did, I-I don’t know what I would do. I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.

I washed the dishes, took a bath (while avoiding the bedroom, I used the washroom of the guest room) and changed into an athletic outdoors outfit. I have had enough of the silence of the house that the silence started ringing in my ears. I decided to take a walk and I could see that the weather outside was sunny and perfect for a walk.

I closed the main door behind me and stretched my legs and arms. I felt refreshed and I haven’t felt like this for a long time. It brought my mood up and I smiled, feeling the heat of the sun on my face. This felt great! I took a deep breath and the cool mid-day air filled me with calm and content.

I don’t know why but I just felt like thinking about happy thoughts as I started my walk. My walk with nature was nourishing and I started thinking about general events lately. Truth be told I don’t know what has been happening in the world, all I know is that SNSD is in a semi-hiatus, we are all doing individual events as of the moment, well my sisters are. I have received little work so far since the hatred spreading amongst the netizen. Come to think of it, what have I been doing since? Well I was just alone in my room looking at the ceiling. It’s time to change that. Maybe I could start hanging out with the girls; I should at least try not like before. I flatly refused except for our anniversary and their birthdays. At least I was still sane to attend those events but I guess I wasn’t there mentally, I don’t remember what happened in each event, I don’t even remember what happened in my birthday. Speaking of birthdays, what happened in Jongie’s birthday? Hmm I bet at least Taeyeon unnie went; well I think Hyunnie went since Yonghwa oppa was there. I hope he had a blast for his birthday. His movie really did well I heard. I haven’t watched it yet, since I was busy dealing with- um nothing I guess. I just wasn’t mentally around for a while. Maybe I could watch it later; I’ll have to download it or something.

Surprisingly enough, I was calm when I thought about Jongie. He always had that effect on me; make my heart flutter without any effort. I would miss this feeling when I had finally moved on, whenever that may be.

A sudden thunder brought me out of my thoughts and I haven’t noticed that it has grown dark. The skies have turned from the clear blue sky to greyish clouds hanging above me. Great.  It’s going to rain. I started backtracking from the trail. I have been too engrossed with my thoughts that I haven’t noticed I have travelled quite far. What luck I had! It just started raining when I reached the gate. I got drizzled on but not enough to completely drench myself entirely. But still I decided to take a hot shower just to make sure I don’t get sick and prepared a hot meal (basically, I just opened two cans of baked beans and added rice from last night. It was quite a lot but I was hungry, that walk really did me good). I was drying my hair, wearing sweat pants and a sleeveless shirt when I heard the rain getting stronger and stronger. Is this a typhoon? Can’t be right? It’s not even the season for it, it’s still June!

I the TV to check the news and I was right, it wasn’t a typhoon but the heavy rains was expected to keep on pouring till next morning. Well it’s not like I decided to go anytime soon so it’s not a bother.

A thunderclap shook the house and it scared me. The windows rattled and the lights blinked for a second. It shook me and I clasped my head tightly trying to block out the noise. I never liked thunder. I closed my ears with my palms and started humming a happy tune. But it wasn’t working, I stood up to get my phone but a knock on the door shook my entire body.

I was scared, no one knew I would be here except for my family and even they knew that I wanted to be alone. So who's knocking? Frozen on the spot that I stood, a knock came again but this time the person spoke.

"Yoona, it's me."

Dugun Dugun. I-I know that voice. Dugun Dugun. How many nights have i dreamt of his voice, how many times have I replayed his voice messages.

Without any hesitation I rushed to the door and forcefully yanked the door open, revealing a very drenched Jonghyun.

Author's Note:

Once again, I'm sorry for updating sooo late. Things have settled down a bit; my rollercoaster life has slowed down and I'm managing fairly.

Does anyone still read this fanfic? I wonder hmmm.. I have been gone for so long maybe I lost your interest...

Anyway the end is about to come. I'll try to update very soon, this I promise wholeheartedly..

♥♣Pokerman♠♦