BGM: Cold Love

 

* March 16 2014 SBS Inkigayo *

 

- Jonghyun’s POV –

 

I am pissed. Very pissed.

 

2 days have passed and I am tired from our concert in FNC Kingdom. We just got back 2 hours ago and we are in SBS Inkigayo CNBlue Dressing room. And just like two days before, SNSD are here mingling with us and the only difference is they forced me to stay, with her inside with me in the same room. Both of us were basically shut out from their conversations, to force us to talk with each other I’m guessing. We sat together with a space of about a meter away from each other but it felt closer. I had my back on her but I can feel her eyes staring on my back which made me self-conscious.

 

I think they planned this, no they had to have planned this beforehand, and that just fed fuel to my anger. I was fuming, I was boiling hot and the reason why I am not raging and beating the crap out of my “brothers” is that the girls are here. If they weren’t I would have made sure that they would be bleeding on the floor.

 

I wish I have my guitar, my guitar understands me and I need it to control my anger. They just have to take it away. I was left with nothing; they did intend me to talk to her which I fervently refused to do. So I sat there looking at the floor brooding in my anger. I dare not look up because I would look at them murderously and I don’t want the girls to see that.

 

My phone vibrated suddenly and thank the heavens they haven’t taken that away. I haven’t ever praised my phone this much and I’m so glad that my phone is here.

 

I took it out and there was a KTalk notification. I was invited into a group chatroom by Dara noona. I quickly accepted the invitation and suddenly there was a string of notifications of the chatroom being filled with messages.

 

WAA JONGHYUN-AH IS HERE!! – Bommie

 

ANNYEONG OPPA!! – Minkki

 

Annyeonghassaeyo Oppa. – The C-Leader

 

Oh Jonghyun-ah! Thanks for accepting the invitation! – DaraBoom

 

I smiled and chuckled. 2NE1 chat names are so dorky.

 

Annyeong everyone. How are you guys? – Me

 

We’re nominated today oppa! Wish us goodluck? – Minkki

 

You guys don’t need it. You guys will win! – Me

 

But we are against the SNSD sunbaenim and they are a tough opponent to beat – DaraBoom

 

Jeongmal? Don’t worry about it then, I’ll be supporting you guys – Me

 

Komawo Oppa :) – The C-Leader

 

Jonghyun-ah give me a wish when we win? >_< - Bommie

 

YAH Unnie?! WHY ONLY YOU? ME TOO!! – Minkki.

 

Arasseo, I’ll grant you a wish if you guys win! – Me

 

YEY!! Oppa can you visit us in our dressing room? We need your guitar skills! – Minkki

 

I can’t-

 

My phone was snatched away and I found them in Yonghwa’s hands. “No phones for you.”

 

The smile that was on my face got wiped away. “Give me back my phone hyung.” I whispered menacingly. I looked at him murderously that he gulped and reluctantly gave me my phone back.

 

The door suddenly opened and a coordi said, “CNBlue? You’re up.” Then he left.

 

I quickly stood up, grabbed my guitar and quickly took the chance to finally get out of that room. In my rush, I didn’t even bid my farewell to the SNSD noonas but all I cared about was getting away from that room, from her. My phone vibrated and the 2NE1 girls were asking me what happened?

 

Oh mianhe, we’re about to performing right now. I’ll text you girls later! And goodluck later! – Me

 

I locked my screen and walked to the stage. My members were a bit late and I smack each of their heads quite hard when no one was looking.

 

“You idiots set me up,” I told them.

 

“Hyung you have to fix your problem with noona,” Minhyuk said.

 

“Hyung please just talk to he-“ Jungshin said but I cut him off.

 

“I don’t want to,” I said flatly. And what do they mean fix my problem with her? The problem can’t be fixed. “It’s not like it can be fixed. She chose him and not me and I had to live with that.” And I left them there looking at my back with pity in their eyes.

 

(Video Yonghwa, Minhyuk and Jungshin were like so sad and serious I didn’t even see a smile, while Jonghyun looked like he was in pain. And the way he acted on stage was like he don’t give a damn anymore. Well that’s how I looked at it T.T )

 

During our performance I couldn’t concentrate. My mind was overwhelmed with the thoughts of what my members want me to do. I mean what do they expect me to do? Fight for her? Why should I fight for someone who didn’t even fight for me? For us? And what good would talking do? What would talking achieve? Nothing except more pain and suffering. It’s best if she just let me go as I plan on letting her go.

 

After the show the members had their own individual schedule and I was alone in our dressing room. Before they left they hugged me to my surprise and pat my back, looking meaningful at me. I have no idea what those look were for but somehow I knew they had a plan set up for me. It’s probably concerning her again. I panicked and immediately went out of the room and my thoughts were right, I could see her and Sunny noona approaching from afar. I know it’s cowardly but I ran. I ran like my life depended on it. I don’t know where I headed but I ran and ran inside the building.

 

I stopped to catch my breath and during that time I noticed that my phone has been vibrating for some time. I checked my phone and it was overridden with text and miscalls notifications. Taeyeon, Yonghwa, Minhuk, Jungshin, Sooyoung, Hyungsoonim. All of them looking for my whereabouts. I smirked at myself and giving myself a pat on the back. How many times do I have to tell them I don’t want to talk to her? Can’t they just leave me alone? Why do they have to be so persistent?

 

I got another notification and I feared it was another from them. I opened my phone and saw that it was from Bom noona. I released a breath of relief and I read it.

 

Jonghyun-ah my wish! WE WON!! – Bommie.

 

They won?! They actually won?! I smiled and quickly replied.

 

Jjinjja? Waa Daebak! Congrats guys! So what do you want as a wish? – Me

 

Come to our dressing room oppa! We’ll tell you there! ^.^ – Minkki

 

Arrasseo. I’m on my way. - Me

 

I put my phone back in my pocket and made my way back to the dressing rooms. I was careful in walking around the hallway, checking both ends for any sign of her. I know it’s childish but I don’t care. I haven’t cared before so why start now?

 

I arrived at 2NE1’s dressing room without being spotted and I knocked before I entered. It was opened by Chaerin-ah.

 

“Annyeonghasaeyo Oppa,” Chaerin-ah said. I smiled at her and let myself in. 2 pair of hands suddenly grabbed both my arms and I was dragged to a chair.

 

“OPPA! WE WON!! SEE??” Minkki gleefully said while showing their trophy to me.

 

“Daebak guys! Congratulatio-“

 

“Jonghyun-ah my wish!” Bom noona said. I laughed at her. She really is like a kid waiting for a present because she did something good.

 

“Arasseo what’s your wish guys?”

 

“Actually Jonghyun-ah we all want the same wish,” Dara noona said. She took her guitar and gave it to me. I looked at them questioningly while I unconsciously started tuning the guitar which there was no need because I can hear that it was perfectly tuned.

 

“Oppa please play for us your song,” Minkki said.

 

“Which song is it?” I asked her as I unconsciously strummed the guitar softly.

 

“My Love.”

 

My hands froze, my face got pale, my eyes widen, and my mouth hanged open.

 

“I-I, um, I ca-can’t,” I whispered as I looked down trying to stop the tears that want to fall down.

 

“Please Jonghyun-ah, we all love your voice especially when you sing this song,” Bom noona said.

 

Of all the things they asked me, why this? WHY? They could have asked me to play anything else except this song. I would have done anything else except this. I haven’t played this song for a long time for a reason. It’s because it’s for her, for her alone…

 

* Flashback *

 

On our 22nd day, we went on a romantic date which ended with me singing for her at the park, the same song I sang for her the day we got together, My Love.

 

“Jongie, promise me something?” she looked at me quite so adoringly that I couldn’t help but to love her more.

 

“Anything for my princess,” I replied as I looked up from her lap. I was well rested with my head on her lap, her hand caressing my hair gently.

 

“Promise me this song is only for us? For me?”

 

“Arrasseo. I, Lee Jonghyun, hereby promise that my song, My Love, will only be sung when my Yongie is around to hear it.”

 

“Gomawo Jongie,” she smiled at me so blissfully and kissed me on the lips. That was our second kiss.

 

* Flashback End *

 

“Please oppa?” Minkki asked while doing her aegyo which frankly I didn’t even notice as I was too absorbed with my thoughts.

 

How can I still be affected by this song? I have moved on. I know I have moved on. And what’s the point of keeping my promise to her when she broke all of her promises to me? Why shouldn’t I too break my promises? There’s nothing I can lose since, honestly, I already lost my everything; I already lost her.

 

“Fine, I-I will be your genie today,” I said with a forced smile.

 

All four of them clapped enthusiastically and waited for me to play. I breathe huge breath to calm myself down and I started playing.

 

Jangbakke biga naerimyeon

(When the rain falls out the window)

Gamjwodeul gieokgi nae mameul jeoksigo

(The hidden memories drench my heart)

Ijeun jul alrassdeon saram

(The person I thought I forgot)

Ohiryeo seonmyeonghi ddo dasi ddeoolla

(Rather floats up clearer in my head)

 

While I was singing, I had these flashbacks. The flashbacks of the day I confessed to her I fell for her, the time she first said she loved me, our first kiss. I remembered everything I hid deep within me, her memories that was tattooed in my heart that I have constantly fought to forget. A solitary tear fell in my right eyes as I continued to sing.

 

Nae sarangah sarangah geuriun naeui sarangah

(My love, my love, my love that I long for)

Moknoha bulleobojiman deutjido mothaneun sarang

(My love, who I call out as loud as I can but can’t hear me)

Nae sarangah sarangah bogopeun naeui sarangah

(My love, my love, my love that I miss)

Geudae ireumaneurodo bein deut apeun sarangah nae sarangah

(Just your name alone cuts me, my painful love, my love)

 

I sang my heart out. Our Song that clearly defines what I feel, the truth that I clearly tried to deny but was presenting itself to my face this entire time. I still love her, with all my heart, with all my soul and with all my mind. She would always be my everything.

 

Janggaye eodeumi omyeon

(When the darkness comes out the window)

Sumgyeo non chueokgi nae mameul balkhine

(The hidden memories light up my heart)

 

Nae sarangah sarangah geuriun naeui sarangah

(My love, my love, my love that I long for)

Moknoha bulleobojiman deutjido mothaneun sarang

(My love, who I call out as loud as I can but can’t hear me)

Nae sarangah sarangah bogopeun naeui sarangah

(My love, my love, my love that I miss)

Geudae ireumaneurodo bein deut apeun sarangah nae sarangah

(Just your name alone cuts me, my painful love, my love)

 

But I cannot have her anymore. She doesn’t feel the same way anymore. She already have someone, someone better than me, someone who’s not me. So what can I do but to-

 

Uri hamkke useum jieotdeon sungan

(The moments we laughed together)

Uri hamkke nunmul heulryeotdeon sungan

(The moments we shed tears together)

Ije geuman bonaejiman-

(Now I let it go but-)

 

Let go. That’s all I can do for her, let her go.

 

Nae sarangah sarangah gomaun naeui sarangah

(My love, my love, my grateful love)

Nae jeonbu dasi undaedo gaseume namgyeojil sarang

(My love who will remain even if I erase my everything)

Nae sarangah sarangah sojunghan naeui sarangah

(My love, my love, my precious love)

Nae sumi da hal ddaekaji ganjikhal naeui sarangah nae sarangah

(I will cherish you until my breath runs out, my love, my love)

 

I looked up and I felt something draw my eyes towards the door and I saw her there. It didn’t surprise me that she would be there. Somehow I knew that she would be there. I don’t know how but deep down I knew that she would be there.

 

Unfair isn’t it? How fate loved to play with me. Fate wouldn’t allow me to break my promise to her. Even though I tried to break my promise to her, she was still here to hear me play our song.

 

I wiped the tear that fell and I coughed, “Um gu-guys you have a guest.”

 

The atmosphere was silent, probably because the energy and emotion I displayed mirrored my feelings. Dara noona opened the door and invited Sunny noona and her inside. “Annyeonhasaeyo, Seo Nyo Shi Dae imnida.”

 

“Annyeonghasaeyo, 2NE1 imnida.”

 

“Girls, I-um-I have to go. I have another schedule at the moment,” I whispered slightly. I bowed to them and left the room. I didn’t want to lie to them but I couldn’t stay with her in the same room not when I clearly still feel something for her.

 

I walked slowly, my thoughts delved into my feelings when I heard light footsteps behind me. She’s behind me, following me. This time I didn’t run, this time I wasn’t a coward. It’s time for us to talk.

 

I led her back to our dressing room and I opened the door for her without looking at her. She went in and I closed the door and locked it behind me. We are alone and no one would bother us anymore.

 

- Yoona’s POV –

 

We sat across each other. I had no courage to look at him so I stared at the floor shuffling nervously my feet. I wouldn’t lie, I’m scared. Totally scared.

 

Why am I scared? For the obvious reason is that I’m scared of how he will act to me which I have guessed and dreamed of constantly, a nightmare: him being cold and angry to me. But that’s just a small portion of the reason why I am scared. What I’m scared about is that he changed, that he wouldn’t be the Jongie I used to know. And I can see how he changed physically and emotionally. He has grown thin, it might not be noticeable but I have memorized his physical structure and I could see the difference: his cheekbones are a bit more prominent, his arms slimmer. His expression though has lost the jolliness that my Jongie had-

 

MY Jongie.

 

My.

 

Do I still have the right to call him that? Can I still call him that? Will his eyes light up if I call him that? Will he still smile so adoringly that it will brighten up my day-

 

Wait. Why do I care? Why do I feel hurt when I see this side of him? Why do I care if I still want to see his dimple smile? Why do I still care for him? WHY?!-

 

“What do you want Yongie?”

 

The world stopped. Time stopped. When was the last time I heard him call the nickname he gave me? Why does it still sound like my heaven whispered to me? Why do I still feel Goosebumps hearing his husky voice?

 

He said it softly but I could still feel his emotions deep within: Pain, Suffering. I could hear it; I could feel it radiating from him.

 

“Yongie, what do you want?” he said again, not sparing a single look at me.

 

“J-just, um… H-how a-are you?” I stammered.

 

He suddenly looked at me and I got shocked.  His expression shocked me. He looked at me in disbelief and smirked at me. His eyes. His eyes were steel, hiding a burning inferno behind those gorgeous eyes.

 

He laughed dryly, “I’m FINE.” He said with an emphasis on FINE. Then it struck me, he was being sarcastic. Sarcasm wasn’t in Jongie’s dictionary.  My Jongie would joke around not full of sarcasm.

 

“Why do you want to meet me Yoona-ssi?” Formality. It broke my heart.

 

“Um j-just be-because-“ but before I could answer, he cut me off.

 

“Why did you do it?”

 

“Um d-do what Jongie?” Can I still call you tha-

 

“Cheat on me.”

 

….

 

….

 

I-I don’t know how to describe how I feel. I-It felt like the world ended. It felt like my heart broke. It felt like I died. To tell you the truth I don’t know how it happened. On one moment, I missed Jongie so bad but then Seunggi Oppa came. Everything became brand new. Everything seemed like butterflies and rainbows. I forgot about my Jongie. Looking back, I don’t how I ended like this-

 

“Hmm, no response huh,” he scoffed at me. He leaned back on his chair and crossed his arms and looked at me menacingly.

 

“Do you even know you cheated on me?” He asked me sarcastically.

 

“I-I do but-“

 

“Then why are you here?” 

 

My breath stopped. Why do I still want to meet him? I have been wondering about that too. All those sleepless nights wishing he was beside me, wishing I could see him, wishing I could hear his voice. All those days wondering if he misses me, if he thinks about me at all, it all bothered me when I have Seunggi oppa. Why do I still long for him? Why do I-

 

“Ahh seolma,” he started laughing. I looked at him weirdly. He stood up suddenly and kicked his chair which shook my entire body, feeling cold sweat on my back. “It’s because you pity me. You pity me because this is how I become after what you did to me. Am I right?”

 

I too stood up and said, “Aniya! It’s not like that-“

“Then why are you here?”

 

“It’s because-“ I couldn’t continue. Why do I want to meet him?

 

He suddenly grabbed my arms and pushed me to the wall. “Tell me why?”

 

“Ouch! Jongie you’re hurting me-“

 

“I SAID TELL ME WHY!!!”

 

“IT’S BECAUSE I STILL LOVE YOU!”

 

Silence filled the room as we both stared at each other’s eyes expressing the shock that both of us have.

 

I still love him. All this time I still love him. I have always loved him. Before, now and in the future.

 

Then why did I go to Seunggi Oppa? Why did I even seek another person’s attention. Why did I let you go? Why?

 

A tear fell from his eyes and he wiped it hurriedly letting me go. He looked back at me and I could see the pain, the suffering, the hell I put inside him.

 

“Kojinmal.”

 

He punched the wall and it cracked and he left.

 

He left me.

 

I slide down on the floor and hugged my knees and I cried. It’s over. It’s all over. I lost him. I lost my Jongie.

 

My phone vibrated and I instinctively answered the call.

 

Yoona! How’s my Yoon- WHAT HAPPENED YOONA?! WHY ARE YOU CRYING? ARE YOU OKAY?!

 

“Oppa…”

 

­- Jonghyun’s POV –

 

Is it possible to discard your heart? It is possible to throw away your heart? Because I have had enough of my heart breaking again and again.

 

She lied to me. How can she love me when all her actions say otherwise? How can she still love me when clearly she has someone else? How could she lie to me? How could she still break my heart like it’s her habit? Why did she leave me in the first place? Why do I want to die? If dying is the only way I could be free from this pain then I’ll gladly accept with open arms. God please help me, I have had enough. Can’t you just take me?

 

I looked up and somehow I can see the starry night sky. I looked around and I was already outside. I somehow managed to walk my way outside.

 

What am I thinking? Seriously, dying? I can’t die yet. What would happen to my friends, my bandmates, my family, her? What would they feel if I died? I-I can’t think like this. Wake up Jonghyun!

 

I slapped my face awake to release all this evil yet enticing thoughts. I sighed heavily and started walking aimlessly.

 

In all honesty, I’m messed up. Seriously messed up. My behavior wasn’t acceptable. I have become cold, dark, angry, like I’ve raised a demon in me. Why? Because I lost her. I couldn’t accept the fact that she left me, she moved on from me, that I am alone still hoping that she would come back. Probably she saw my true personality, my dark side. Maybe that’s why she left. Maybe that’s why she chose someone better than me.

 

It’s time for me to change. It’s better for her to forget me but I know deep down, she will always and forevermore be the owner of my heart.

 

My phone vibrated and I removed it from my pocket. I stared at the screen and I saw that it was an unknown number. Who is this?

 

It rang for a bit then died. I was a skeptic on unknown numbers and I don’t answer any phone calls from strangers. I was about to put it back when it rang again. It was the same unknown number. Maybe it was a wrong number and out of courtesy I was forced to accept the call.

 

“Yobeoseyeo?”

 

Hello, is this Jonghyun-ssi? What? Who is this guy?

 

“Ne Majjayo. Nugusaeyeo?”

 

Oh Mata. Choneun Lee Seunggi ibnida. BWO?!

 

“Oh Annyeonhasaeyo sunbaenim. What can I help you with?”

 

It’s about Yoona. Ofcourse it is. Why would he call me for anything else anyways.

 

“Oh um I think Yoona-ssi is still back in SBS-“

 

Can we meet? Let’s meet at *** Bar in 30 minutes.

 

I sighed and I was expecting this already from the beginning, “Arasseo Sunbaenim.”

 

Just like with Yongie- ani, it’s Yoona now. I am nothing to her anyways and I have no right to call her that anymore. Just like with Yoona, it’s time for us to meet anyways; with Seunggi sunbaenim.

 

* 30 minutes later *

 

How nostalgic. Of all the clubs sunbaenim chose, it was the bar I first went to the night my world tumble into darkness. I stood in front of the door, nostalgia and dread filling me up as I looked at the door reminiscing about the painful memories in my head. I sighed deeply and I opened the door and it was almost the same except for the tables and chairs, they were quite brand new as I remembered I crashed and broke most of them. i scanned the room and I immediately spot sunbaenim at the counter and I approached him nervously. I chuckled slightly at the bartender’s reaction upon seeing my face as I sat beside sunbaenim.

 

“You’re not gonna cause any trouble this time are you?” the bartender asked.

 

“No promises,” I replied flatly. True to my word, sometimes I don’t, sometimes I do cause trouble. You never know really because it always start with girls flaunting themselves at me and the fight arises at their jealous boyfriends and I know I never back away from a fight recently.

 

The bartender sighed and said, “Like last time?” he motioned his head on the drinks and I nodded. A few minutes I got my drink. For a moment I forgot why I was here and it struck me that the person beside me was looking at me and I looked back. Sunbaenim had a questioning look, curious about my conversation with the bartender.

 

I looked at him flatly and said, “I crashed the place.”

 

“When?”

 

“Early this year.”

 

He was confused then his face grimaced in understanding. I chuckled lightly and just sipped my drink waiting for him to start talking on what he wanted to say. Frankly I don’t know why I even decided to meet with him. I could have just cussed him through the phone and give him a piece of my mind. But I didn’t and here I am, speechless and uncertain on what to talk about with the guy who stole my world from me. Upon realizing that he stole her from me, my anger peaked and I gripped my glass tightly. The bartender coughed and I realized I almost broke the glass and I started breathing in and out to calm myself. I really need to control my anger but deep down I know I don’t want to. I want to hate him. I want to hate her. I want to hate everything and everybody. I want to hate myself.

 

“Jonghyun-ssi,” sunbaenim said.

 

“What.” I said in banmal. I couldn’t help but be disrespectful to him. Can I just punch you? Just this one time? Just once?

 

He sighed and took a huge gulp of his drink and continued, “Do you still love Yoona?”

 

That question took me by surprise and I look at him. He has a serious but sad face. I replied, “Does it matter? You already have her. What I feel is irrelevant to you.”

 

“It matters to her.”

 

What? What does that mean? I matter to Yoona?

 

“Wh-what are you talking about?” I whispered.

 

“She still cares for you. I have felt it way before. And today I confirmed it. The way she cried for you, the way she says your name, she still has feelings for you,” he said.

 

Maldo andwae. it’s impossible. Why does she have feelings for me? Why does she still love me?

 

“So I’m asking you again Jonghyun-ssi, do you still love her?”

 

“Does it really even matter sunbaenim? What are you going to do with my answer,” I said.

 

He sighed and said, “Huh, you still do.”

 

We both kept silent, absorbed in our own thoughts. It doesn’t really make sense, she told me she still love me, her NEW boyfriend told me that she still love me, but why do I still reject the possibility that she still feels something for me? Why does it hurt to wrap my head around the idea that she might have buried feelings for me? Why does it hurt to rekindle the hope that we might just end up being together? Why does my heart badly want to believe that we were meant to be together? Why? Why does she make my life so complicated?

 

I can’t believe it anymore. I won’t believe on the fact she still love me. It hurts too much to believe it. I will kill me knowing that we both love each other but we can’t be together. It would mean the end of me. It will drive me crazy. For her sake and my sake, I have to drive her away from me. I have to let her go. It’s the only way for me to get out of this alive and for her to be happy.

 

“Sunbaenim.” “Jonghyun-ssi”

 

“What?” “What?”

 

“You first sunbaenim,” I said.

 

“Jonghyun-ssi, I know it’s selfish of me to ask this but-“

“I’ll leave Yoona alone, no communication, no meetings, no anything. I would ignore her at all times, no reply from her messages, no calls, and no passing messages through anybody. Is that what you are going to say sunbaenim?” I chuckled as I stared in front. I can’t let him see what I feel; I have to be calm and serious outside. While on the inside, I’m dying. I want to die.

 

He was speechless and I took that as confirmation, “Arasseo sunbaenim. I’ll give way for the both of you. I’ll erase my existence in her and your life.” I stood up and walked away.

 

“Where are you going?!” He shouted.

 

“Toilet.”

 

I rushed to a cubicle and locked myself in. I sat on the toilet and cried, cried my eyes out. Goodbye Yoona, atleast you will be happy. As long as you are happy, I’m content. Hopefully you will find your happiness and forget about me; the guy who made your life constricted. The guy who wasn’t enough for you. Goodbye..

 

I stood up and went and wash my face. I looked at my reflection and I looked dreadful. My face is thin and pale, I have dark circles under my bloodshot eyes, I looked tired. I looked like a corpse. Well I’m dead. My appearance just reflect how I felt.

 

I walked out of the toilet and went back to sunbaenim. The giggling and aegyo words stopped me on my tracks as I looked at sunbaenim. A girl was pushing herself onto sunbaenim and I could clearly see that sunbaenim was trying to politely reject her. See everybody? Yoona is on good hands. I could not ask for a better man to take care of her. Seeing this, I went to the rescue.

 

“Um Agassi? Please take your hands off m-“

 

“Oppa! Am I pretty?” She said as she tried to show her cleavage to sunbaenim. He coughed and quickly look elsewhere while trying to take her hands that is roaming his body.

 

I quickly put my arm around her shoulder and said, “Yes you are one pretty lady.” I smiled delightfully to her that she got dazed and after a moment smiled back realizing who I am.

 

“Oh Jonghyun Oppa! Jinjja I’m pretty?”

 

“Ne, and I bet a pretty lady like you have a pretty name?” I started flirting with her while I motioned my head towards the door for sunbaenim. He saw the sign and looked at me gratefully and stood up.

 

“My name is Yej-“

 

“YEJIN-AH! WHAT THE ARE YOU DOING WITH THIS ASSHO- HOLY SH*T IT’S YOU!”

 

Someone shouted behind my back and I looked at him. The nostalgia in this place is too damn high. It was the same guy, the guy I beat up quite badly.

 

I laughed and looked at him menacingly, “Oh look who came here. Aiming for a second round?” I asked invitingly. Oh you got it coming boy, I’m in the mood to kill right now.

 

“You little sh*thead. I’m gonna kill-“

 

“Wait calm down guys. Let’s not fight here,” sunbaenim who I thought went already was between us with a hand on our chest.

 

“Mind your own business,” the man said. Was it Chanshin or something? I don’t know, the number of people I have fought with are too many and I have no intention of remembering their names.

 

“Please just calm dow-“ sunbaenim said but the man cut him off.

 

“I said mind your own ing business!” He shouted and grabbed a bottle and smashed it on sunbaenim’s head.

 

“SUNBAENIM!” I shouted as the girl, Yejin-ssi screamed. Seunggi sunbaenim dropped on the floor and I retaliated. I didn’t think twice, I quickly throw two consecutive strikes on the man’s jaw. He didn’t even managed to release a sound as he passed out. I stomped on his stomach as a good measure and quickly went to sunbaenim.

 

“Sunbaenim! Open your eyes!” I shouted as I shook him to wake him up. No response, I checked the damage and color drained away from my face. He was bleeding. I panicked and I started rummaging my pockets. Damn I forgot I didn’t bring my car. I walked here. Instead I rummaged sunbaenim’s pocket and bingo, I found car keys. I took out my wallet and threw a 100 thousand Won note to the bartender, lifted sunbaenim’s body and rushed out, pushing off the crowd that was gathering. I quickly sped off to the car park and sounded the alarm of the car. I rushed off to the car and took out my handkerchief, applying pressure to his wound. He can’t die. Not yet. Not anytime soon. Yoona can’t be left alone like this. He can’t leave her!

 

I started driving like a maniac to the nearest hospital. Call me a street racer or not, I arrived the hospital without bumping anyone or any car (by luck or just professional driving, I couldn’t care less). The moment I arrived the Emergency room entrance, I left the car by the entrance, carried sunbaenim, locked the car and rushed through the hospital.

 

“SOMEONE HELP ME!!” I shouted, panic overwhelming me. He can’t leave her, he can’t leave Yoona alone.

 

“Follow me please!” A nurse told me and I hurriedly followed her.

 

“Lay him here,” the nurse pointed to a bed and I lay him as gently as I could. I was ushered out as the doctor came.

 

“Is he going to be alright?” I asked the nurse.

 

“We’ll do everything we can,” she said as she closed the door behind her.

 

I-it’s out of my hands. All I can do is pray that he’s going to be fine. My head is in jumbles, I can’t think straight. What should I do? Should I just sit here and wait? Should I leave him here? Should I call-

 

“Um sir? Are you a relative of the patient?” A nurse suddenly asked me.

 

“Um I’m just a friend,” I replied although being called a friend is a bit…

 

“Do you know a relative that can sign the papers for the patient?” the nurse inquired.

 

I don’t know any of his family members. I just officially met him today. I have no contact in any of his close friends that could know his family members except-

“I could call them here,” I replied.

 

“That’s fine. Please tell the family members to come to the reception to sign his papers,” the nurse left and attended another patient.

 

I took my phone and I stared at the screen for a long time, undecided whether to call or text the person. If what sunbaenim said was true, the person wouldn’t want to hear my voice, after all, I just made her cry. I sighed deeply and just opted for a text. I haven’t stored the person’s number in my phone but I have memorized the person’s number. I nervously typed the person’s number and typed:

 

Your boyfriend’s in the Emergency Room at *** Hospital.

 

With one last of courage, I pressed sent.

 

- Yoona’s POV –

 

I haven’t stopped crying since he left me. I guess karma got me. I was the one who left first. Now I lost him and I’ve never felt this empty, like an abyss has formed deep inside me that couldn’t be filled up, a gaping hole that swallows me, never letting me go.

 

Stupid Yoona. Stupid Yoona. Stupid Yoona. Stupid Yoona. Stupid Yoona….

 

This was what I chanted in my head over and over again as I lay in Taeyeon unnie’s bed crying my eyes out in her embrace. I don’t know how I got home, I just remember how empty I felt when my Jongie left- ani, he’s not mine anymore which brought me more painful sobs.

 

Why did I have to be so stupid? Why did I have to choose another guy? Why did I not choose him? Why is it painful? Why did I leave you? Why did you leave me? Don’t you love me anymore? Stupid Yoona, why would he love you when you hurt him. Stupid Yoona. Stupid Yoona…

 

“Yoong you have a message,” Taeyeon unnie said.

 

“It doesn’t matter unnie, nothing matters anymore,” I whispered in between sobs. Is this how he felt when he knew I cheated on him? Is this what I put him through? How is he not dead? How did he live through one day? I-I put him through this kind of pain. I did it and now I have it.

 

“Yoong it might be important,” Taeyeon unnie said.

 

“It can’t be more important than him,” I whispered.

 

Taeyeon unnie sighed and let go of me to get my phone from her desk. She knows all of our password or pattern and she screamed when she read my message, “YOONG!! LOOK AT THIS PALLI!”

 

“Wae unnie?” I grudgingly got up from her bed and took the phone from her.

 

020-3080-**** – Sent at 11:24 PM

Your boyfriend’s in the Emergency Room at *** Hospital.

 

“This is some sick spam message isn’t it unnie?” I looked at her expecting to see some affirmation but what I got was a grave look. She took out her phone and showed me something:

 

020-3080-**** - Lee Jonghyun, CNBlue Guitarist

 

My blood ran cold. My mind is blank. What?

 

“Un-unnie? Wh-what d-does t-this mean?” I stuttered blankly. I honestly don’t know what is happening.

 

Tayeon unnie raised a finger signalling me to be quiet and called him through the phone. “Yah Jonghyun-ah, where are you?”

 

After a few minutes she hang up and said, “Dress up we're going to the hospital.”

 

I just nodded, and I couldn't discern her expression. The situation must be grave, it must be true then. But why is Jongie with Seunggi oppa? As far as I know they don't know each other and have no business with each other. None except me. I'm the link between those two. D-did something happen between the two? D-did they fight? Ani, Seunggi oppa is a caring guy and a pacifist. Jongie too is a gentle person, he never fights unless needed too but... I've heard Minhyuk, Hyunnie and Taeyeon unnie whispering behind my back on how many fights Jongie has been getting into. I didn’t believe it because I know Jongie but the Jongie I know wasn't the Jongie I talked with a while ago. It can't be right? Jongie wouldn't do that right? But if he did, what do I do?

 

“Kaja,” Taeyeon unnie said.

 

The drive to the hospital was silent and tense. I kept on thinking and hoping that Jongie didn’t do it.

 

 He didn’t do it. He didn’t do it. He didn’t do it.

 

I kept chanting that. But in the back of my mind, doubt has stirred and getting stronger by the minute. I can’t control that doubt and I couldn’t control the fear. The fear that he did it. The fear that he’s not the Jongie I used to know.

 

30 minutes later we reached the hospital and we rushed to the emergency room. Each step was a dagger to my heart as the fear doubled.

 

We saw Jongie sitting in front of the Emergency room gripping his hair tightly. As he heard our footsteps, he looked up and stood. I got shocked. His hands were stained with blood as also a part of chin. His clothes have streaks of blood. He stood there looking at me, waiting for me to make a move or to say something.  The way he looked he gave me was overridden with guilt and pain.

 

“W-what did you do Jongie?” I whispered.

 

His eyes grew wide as if in shock then understanding came in his eyes. I could read it in his eyes. He then looked amused and chuckled as he bowed his head. When he looked up I got shivers in my spine. His eyes were cold and steel as he replied menacingly, “What do you think?” He smirked at me.

 

Who is he? Who is this person? What happened to him? Where’s my 4D Jongie who laughs at everything? Where’s the Jongie with the most  beautiful dimple smile?

 

“Who are you?” I whispered. I don’t know you. “What did you do to my Jongie?”

 

“Your Jongie is long dead and gone. This is me now.” I could feel the snide remarks in his words.

 

“What did you do to Seunggi oppa?”

 

“Well,” he said. “I started beating the crap out of him and then I-“

 

“WHO ARE YOU? YOU KILLED MY JONGIE! I HATE YOU! GO AWAY! GO AWAY I SAID!” I shouted as I started punching his chest him again and again and again. He didn’t even flinch.

 

“Will that make you happy?” He asked. W-what did he say? He still remember that?

 

* Flashback *

 

… I would do anything to make her happy. Even if it means that I should never see her again…

 

* End of Flashback *

 

“Geure. It will make me happy. I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE EVER AGAIN!” I shouted.

 

He looked at me and the way he looked at me was, I don’t know, longing? Pain? But I don’t care. He nodded and left. Taeyeon unnie followed suit.

 

“Um excuse me Yoona-ssi? The patient is awake,” a doctor suddenly said behind me.

 

“How is he?”

 

“No permanent damage just a head concussion and a slight wound at the back of his head but we patched it up. He just woke up and you can visit him if you want.”

 

I entered the room and he has sat up with bandage rolled around his head. Upon seeing me, he smiled at me and I smiled back, quickly forgetting what just happened.

 

“How are you oppa?”

 

“I’m fine. How’s Jonghyun-ssi?”

 

I frowned and said, “Why do you care about the person who put you in here?”

 

“What are you talking about Yoona?”

“Didn’t he beat you up?”

 

“WHAT? That didn’t happen,” he said. Then he told me what happened at the bar how he promised to make way for us, how he saved him from being hit on by a girl and lastly the confrontation with the girls’ guy till he out.

 

“Yoona! Where are you going?!”

 

Why? Why? Why?

 

That is what I asked as I rushed out looking, searching for the man who still cares for me despite everything I’ve done.

 

Why? Why? Why do you still care for me? Why do you still put me first instead of yourself? Why are you still a gentleman to me? Why? Why?

 

I couldn’t find him. I don’t see him. I broke down and cried helplessly. I was wrong. My Jongie is still there. My Jongie who still cares for me. But he’s not mine anymore. He’s gone. He won’t hold me anymore. He won’t come back to me anymore.

 

Come back. Come back to me. Please. I still love you.

 

- Jonghyun’s POV –

 

 

.. I hate you ..

 

.. Go away ..

 

.. I don’t want to see your face .. ever again ..

 

.. I hate you ..

 

.. I .. hate .. you ..

 

Don’t worry. You and me both. I hate myself too. I hate myself I could disregard this life.

 

I hate myself for showing my monster side. I hate myself for getting you angry. I hate myself for making you cry. I hate myself for losing you. I hate myself for not fighting for you. I hate myself for letting you go.

 

.. I hate you ..

 

It’s okay for you to hate me, if that will bring back the happiness in your eyes, you can hate me now until forever. Just be happy.

 

Just be happy.

 

Be happy.

 

I cried. I screamed. I cried. I shouted her name. I broke down and I started punching the ground. 1 punch. Another one. Another. Another till it started bleeding.

 

“GEUMANHE JONGHYUN-AH!”

 

I felt two arms hugging me from behind. They felt alien. They weren’t the arms I longed to hold me. That increased the pain I felt in my heart.

 

“Stop it Jonghyun-ah. Jebbal. Please stop it.”

 

“I want to die noona. I want to die. Please I-I don’t want to feel like this.”

 

“Andwae Jonghyun-ah. Think about your parents, your siblings, your members, your friends. What would they think i-if y-you die?” Taeyeon noona whispered behind while still hugging me tightly.

 

“What do they care? They haven’t felt like thi-“

 

SLAP.

 

“JONGHYUN-AH! DON’T YOU EVER DARE TO THINK LIKE THAT!” she said as she slapped my cheek so hard that I fell down on the ground her towering over me.

 

“Please Jonghyun-ah. Remember the time you saved me. Remember that day you prevented me from doing something like this. Please remember how I look and how you felt for me. Don’t you know that’s how you look like and that’s what I‘m feeling right now?”

 

* Flashback *

 

I-I remember. It was almost 2 years ago. I found her somewhere along Han River hidden, wanting the solitary Han river always present. I wouldn’t have found her if I wasn’t jogging.

 

I found her piercing her ears multiple times. I slapped the ear piercing gun away and just like she shouted, I shouted, “Geumanhe Taeyeon-ssi! Please stop hurting yourself.”

 

“Why do you care Jonghyun-ssi?! This is my life and I’m fed up with all the stress my work gives me! You don’t care-“

 

I hugged her, shutting her up. “Please stop this. There are other ways in dealing with this other than hurting yourself.”

 

She broke down. She cried in my arms and said, “I-I’m tired Jonghyun-ssi. I’m tired of being the leader. I’m tired of handling other people’s problems when I can’t even handle mine. I’m tired of being selfless, when I want to be selfish. I-I just want someone to take care of me. I just want someone to tell me everything is going to be fine. I just want someone to see that behind my bubbly face I’m suffering. I just want someone to t-“

 

“It’s going to be fine. Everything’s going to be fine. I’ll be here with you noona. I’ll be here with you.”

 

True to my word, I became her wall to say all her worries, her complaints, her fears, her dreams, everything she wanted to say. I became her “Bubble-Tea Psychiatrist” as she said because everytime she called me I would bring bubble tea because she found the drink so interesting that it always brought a smile to her face. She even put my name in her message in their I Got a Boy album which was a joke actually because one time I asked how she was going to pay for my Psychiatric practices and advices on her.

 

“Just see mehrong,” is what she did which we both laughed at.

 

* End of Flashback *

 

“Do you remember? How you fixed me? How you removed my masochistic nature?” she whispered.

 

“Ne noona. I-I remember.” I whispered back. “Then n-noona, will you help me recover? Will-will you help me move on?”

 

“Arasseo, I promise, I’ll be with you every step of the way.”

 

It’s time for me to move on. It’s time for me to heal. I don’t know how long but I will nonetheless. She will be happy without me in her life. I know she will be.

 

---

Author's Note:

 

Hi guys sorry for the late update. I had writer's block and again work has been so hectic. Anyways if you still remember the poll i put, it would appear at the epilogue and i think you all know the out come for the fanfic anyway so goodluck to me!

 

I am not sure how long the epilogue will be because it might go into 2 parts or just one very long one. not sure but we'll see how it develops.

 

See you in the next update!

 

♥♣Pokerman♠♦

 

PS: I at writing a girl's POV XD