BGM: Cold Love

Author's Note:

Hi guys! You can read my other story Drunken Love as a prologue as i would be using some of the events here but it's not a must. You can still read Jonghyun's story without reading it. Cheers!

* March 14 2014 Yu Huiyeol’s Sketchbook Filming *

- Jonghyun’s POV –

I am alone.

That is a proven fact. We sat here in our dressing room while the director and the staff fix the set for sketchbook.

Why am I alone? That’s because my members are happy and are improving well, I’m not.

I sat alone with the only thing that understands what I feel: my guitar. I bought a new one since I mercilessly destroyed my favorite guitar, my ex-girlfriend before SHE happened.

I sighed as I played random tunes looking at my brothers jealously. They’re joking around laughing at every remark each say to another. It would have made me laugh before but I wasn’t that Jonghyun anymore. When did I last smile? Last week during the day Yonghwa hyung’s problem became non-existent. I was right. My prediction came true that Yonghwa hyung would be the next guy to solve his problem. I’m next right? Wrong. My problem couldn’t be solved. It could only be lived with. My problem has no solution and no end. It will stick with me till someone knocks me out so hard it will give me amnesia.

My phone vibrated and I checked the text.

From: Taeyeon noona – Sent: 9.29 AM

Jonghyun-ah, we’re about to go to your dressing room. All of us. Please stay and mingle with us. Please? Another gift for me? ^_^

What? They’re coming here?

I already smiled as genuinely as possible for your birthday noona. This is pushing the limit. I replied back. That time when they won against us, I smiled as genuinely as I could so that Taeyeon noona won’t bug me for another gift that I may not be willing to give or do for her. She texted me every hour for a week just for that smile and it got so irritating that I just said yes just to stop her bugging me.

Jebal Jonghyun-ah, the girls misses your company.

Thanks but I’ll pass noona. Don’t expect me to be around.

Time to go. But where to go. Where to pass the time till they go away. Aish mwolla. I better just give our CDs to whoever I meet along the way and find an empty room where I could be alone. I stood up, packed my acoustic guitar and grabbed a few CDs of our Can’t stop album that our manager always carry around to advertise our band. Those CDs will be given to other artist or celebrities, spreading our “network” as manager hyung say. I put those CDs in the front pocket of my guitar bag and walked towards the door.

“Jonghyun-ah odiga?” Yonghwa hyung.

“None of your business hyung,” I said coldly.

I am ashamed to say this but since that day Yonghwa hyung came home smiling like an idiot, I started ignoring my brothers. I am alone in my loneliness, in my pain, in my suffering, in my living nightmare. They’re all happy and on the mend while I don’t want to burden and affect their day with my altruistic behavior and anger to them. And also I might just beat the next person that smile to me saying everything will be fine. God knows that it won’t be or well at least I know it won’t be.

I closed the door behind me quite strongly and I scanned the packed hallway with people running from left to right or vice versa in a busy manner. But in all that messy and uncoordinated train of people I saw them on my left side walking towards me. They were still quite far and in that distance they noticed me. Well the only person I looked at is Taeyeon noona, the others and especially HER I chose to ignore. Taeyeon noona was pleading with her eyes, her eyes pleading me to stay with them and my brothers. I just returned a blank look, turned around and walked the opposite direction. I walked away without even sparing a final glance at those eyes, those dear like eyes that used to be my sunshine but are now the cause of my nightmare.

­- Jungshin’s POV –

When Jonghyun Hyung left, our dressing room was quiet. Even our manager and stylist who were bubbly and chatting around felt tensed on the atmosphere Jonghyun hyung left. I sighed deeply. I do feel guilty and worried for our Burning guitarist. Guilty that we are happy and he’s not and worried because I don’t know what will happen to him with that unpredictable mood of his. I don’t even know why he left our dressing room. Usually, well not the usual before but the usual lately, he stays with us alone in his thoughts. Sure he doesn’t talk to us or engage in our conversations that often but he’s here with us.

I sighed and said, “What are we gonna do about hyung-“

Knock knock.

Minhyuk, being close to the door, stood up and opened the door. “Oh! Noona!” Noona? Nugu-

“Annyeonghaseyeo! Seo Nyo Shi Dae imnida!” Taeyeon noona said which made me laugh quite loudly. “As if we don’t know you noona. Please come in!” I stood up and said.

I thought she was alone, then one by one they started coming in. Suddenly I got sweaty and nervous. the smile from Taeyeon noona’s dorky statement slowly faded away. Is-is she here? The time Yoona-ssi, I mean Yoona noona entered, my smile completely faded. Well I wasn’t talking about her but yeah when Yoona-ssi, I mean again Yoona noona entered, all three of us lost our smile. But I wasn’t talking about her, is she here? Sooyoung noona.

There were 8 of them with Sooyoung noona not amongst them. I sighed and breathe out quite loud realizing I just got out of an awkward moment. I was about to sit back down when Taeyeon noona said, “Aren’t you coming in?”

Like in a drama, she slowly entered the room. This wasn’t the first time I’ve seen her but I guess this will be the first time I actually acknowledge her presence. As she entered the room, the atmosphere got thick and filled with silence. All the occupants of the room keep on changing from me to her probably anticipating our reactions to each other. But I didn’t even notice them. Except for this lady in front of me.

Sooyoung noona was looking down playing with her feet while I stare at her.

Till now, I haven’t decided what to do with our relationship, wait that’s wrong, our friendship. Eunjung said that I should forgive her because frankly “there’s nothing to forgive”, her exact words. She acted on what she thought was right even though it backfired on both of us in the end. Heck I still don’t know what to do and I sighed. I give up on thinking on what to do and I was about to sit back down when she finally looked at me. Pain was written in her eyes. That stop me halfway to sitting back down. That pain in her eyes used to be in mine. I used to wear that pain in my eyes and I’m okay with having to bear it in me forever, just not her. Put it on me, not her. I think she thought that I still don’t want anything to do with her but that’s a misunderstanding. A part of me misses her in the proper way now, but a part of me was still the coward Jungshin, the Jungshin afraid to express his feelings.

Eunjung-ah, ottoke?

 Then a tear fell from her eyes and she looked back down. Damnit. Damnit all. What do I have to lose if I sit down and ignore her? It’s not like she’s special to me anymore, I have Eunjung with me-

… Are you willing to sacrifice your friendship Jungshin-ah? …

Eunjung’s voice echoed in my head.

Ani. I can’t. Even though she broke my heart but that was all in the past. I-I am hurting her right now. I want to fix everything to its rightful place. I want to grow up.

I slowly walked to her, each step faltering due to uncertainty of what my mind thinks about her, but my heart is sure it wants her back not as a lover but the goofy best friend that I miss every day. Finally I stood before her uncertain of what to do. She was nervous well I too am nervous but I don’t want anyone to hurt anymore. A man could only take as much as sorrow as I did, how can I let her bear it? Well look at Jonghyun hyung, he changed drastically. No more laughing-at-anything Jonghyun but a dark and angry Jonghyun has replaced the hyung I admired and loved. I don’t want that to happen to anyone anymore.

I lifter her chin to look at me and those sad eyes b with tears looked at mine.

“Won’t you hug me noona?” I smiled.

With that said, she hugged me quickly and tightly. She cried in my arms and said, “I-I thought I lost you Jungshinnie.”

“I will always be here as your best friend and your fashion adviser noona,” I said.

She understood what I meant and I finally heard the people surrounding us make sounds.

“Finally, you pabo.” “She finally smiled!” “Too much drama! Please stop crying!” “Jungshin-ah good job!”

And such things. I guided her to a chair and we talked and talked and laughed just like how we were before this mess came to be. The atmosphere of the room became lively where Sica noona head locked Minhyuk saying, “I’ll kill you if you hurt my sister again Minhyuk-ah”. Sunny and Taeyeon were there laughing and trying to unlock her grip off Minhyuk’s head off. After they succeeded, Sica noona went to Yongseo couple who were cuddling intimately with each other as they said, “Paying off for lost time.”

“Yah Hyunnie give me back my oppa!” Sica noona said.

“Andwaeyo unnie, he’s mine.” Seohyun countered back.

“Now and forever,” Yonghwa hyung added which earned him a scowl and cringing from all of us.

“I want to spend time with my oppa too you know,” Sica noona said. Contrary to what everyone thinks, Sica noona is childish just like her oppa, Yonghwa hyung. Maybe that’s what draws Hyung from the Jung sisters, he saw them himself in them that he thinks they must be related one way or the other. That started a playful war between Sica noona and Seohyunnie trying to vie for Hyung’s attention and since these two were very and dearly close to hyung, he tried to settle the playful war by hugging them both together at the same time.

Everyone was happy and bubbly, well except at that lonely corner where Jonghyun hyung used to sit. Yoona-ssi, I mean Yoona noona sat there and looking at us. How ironic it is really. Both of them had the same posture, the same expression when they sat at the same chair, pain. Well Yuri noona tried to keep her company but she wouldn’t budge and none of us CNBlue members want to do anything with her anyways so she was basically alone in that corner, just like Jonghyun hyung was.

What I wondered was why is she in pain? Doesn’t she have Seunggi sunbaenim already? She made her choice and chose him over our hyung? So what’s her problem?

“Noona what’s her problem?” I nodded to Yoona-s-, noona.

Sooyoung sensing my anger looked at the direction of where I looked at and understanding came to her. I expected her to defend her sister but I guess she realized we just couldn’t do anything about the anger we felt for what she has done. “We saw Jonghyun-ah before we entered. His expression wasn’t what we expected. Well I expected him to be devastated or at least even sad but it wasn’t what we saw. It was anger, hatred and nonchalance towards us. I saw him just looking at Taenggoo and nobody else. Not even Yoongie.”

I sighed. I guess they’re still new to Jonghyun’s new self. But something I got curious about, “Taeyeon noona?”

“Ne, apparently she texted him before that we were arriving and asked him to stay with us.”

“Ahh so that’s why he suddenly left like he did as if his pants were on fire. He just left without any care. And since when did those two became close? Hyung and Taeyeon noona?”

“Mwolla, I just know that Taenggoo asked him to smile during her birthday and that was it.”

I got shocked. So that’s why Hyung was smiling that day. How did this happen? I really didn’t know that those two were this close. “H-How did y-you know that?”

“I overheard their conversation, Taenggoo and Yoongie.”

* Flashback *

- Sooyoung’s POV –

I just came out of my room to look for food as I just woke up. The dorm was quiet and that was just weird. Where were the girls? Aish they went out without me. I headed for the kitchen and I passed through Taenggoo’s door and I hushed voices.

“Unnie please?” That’s Yoongie’s voice? What’s going on?

“Yoong, why do you want to meet him? That’s like pouring acid to his wounds instead of treating it.” Taenggoo’s voice was controlled but it had a sense of anger in it.

I know I wasn’t supposed to listen but curiosity got the better of me. I listened closely and what I heard shocked me.

“Because I miss him. I miss Jongie.” She whispered.

“Do-does Seunggi sunbaenim knows about this?”

“N-no. I couldn’t tell him.”

Taenggoo sighed and said, “Why are you asking me to do this Yoong? Just tell him your-“
 

“I can’t unnie. I’m scared of what he’s gonna do-“

“Yoong stop. Stop this right now. You chose Seunggi sunbaenim. Just let Jonghyun-ah go. We all respected your decision. The least you could do is set him free-“

“Please unnie. I-I don’t know why but I just want to meet him. Just this once. Besides out of all us, you’re the only one who has his new phone number. Not even Hyunnie.”

“I-I can’t do that Yoong. I don’t want to cause anyone more pain, especially one as badly broken as Jonghyun.”

Yoongie was crying non-stop but she said, “Then ca-can I at le-least let me see him smile? Just a smile unnie? I haven’t seen his dimples for a long time.”

Taenggoo gave her a look and hugged her. “Arasseo. I’ll make him smile for you Yoong.”

* End of Flashback *

- Back to Jungshin’s POV –

After hearing what Sooyoung said, pity filled my heart. As much as we, the CNBlue hate her, I pitied her. Yeah she might not have chosen our hyung but she was still affected by what she has done last January. “Wait here noona,” I said to Sooyoung.

I walked to Yoona noona while grabbing another chair. All the other occupants ignored me as they were busy with their conversations and what not, except Sooyoung who looked at me with worry. I set the chair beside Yoona noona and said, “Long time no see noona.”

Hearing a chair placed beside her and my voice, she got shocked out of her thoughts and looked at me with wide eyes. Disbelief was written across her face realizing that I was actually talking to her despite our rancor with her. I instantly felt guilty on what we have done to her: shut her out of our lives.

 “N-ne, be-been a long ti-time Jungshin-ah.”

“Noona why are you here?” I said bluntly. It may be too harsh but I have to know.

“D-do you want me to l-leav-“

“Ani that’s not what I meant. Why are you here instead of doing what you really want to do?”

“W-what d-do you mean?”

“Why are you here instead of running after hyung?”

That shocked her. The reason why, I have no clue. Either it’s because she didn’t know that I know what she wants or it’s because I’m allowing her to run after Jonghyun hyung. Or is it because she didn’t know that’s what she wanted but I made her realize about it. I don’t know.

“Look noona, frankly speaking, after everything that has happened you’re still part of our family. Whether it is our hyungsoonim, or ex-hyungsoonim or even our hyungsoonim’s sister, you are still part of our family. As much as we want you noona to avoid him as much as possible, we can’t deny the two of you to meet. That’s why I want to know why you are here and not looking for him right now.”

“I-I am scared of his reactions-“ she stammered with tears b in her eyes but I cut her off because frankly I got slightly annoyed with her expression. She doesn’t have the right to cry for my hyung anymore but I held it. I don’t want to cause any more pain as there is too much around us already, especially concerning Jonghyun hyung.

“Noona, being scared does nothing but bring you down. I was there remember? Look what happened to Sooyoung noona and me. We almost took each other out of our lives. I won’t question why you want to meet hyung or why you did what you did. If you want to meet hyung, now is not the time to be scared.” I smiled at her and laid a comforting hand on her shoulder. She nodded, wiped her tears and went outside. I smiled at her retreating figure and went back to Sooyoung.

“Yah what did you say to Yoong that made her cry?” She said while glaring at me. She slapped me in my arm and I yelped in pain.

“Ouch! I didn’t make her cry and besides didn’t you see her smile?”

“I did. Um so what did you say to her?”

“To go meet hyung.”

- Jonghyun’s POV –

I turned my back on them and walked away. I feel sorry for ignoring Taeyeon noona’s request but I can’t be in the same room with her. I don’t want to be anywhere near her. And besides I might just tear everything down in that room and I don’t want that to happen. Manager hyung will have to cover everything up again and I am ashamed of the things I have done already. I sighed and wandered the halls greeting the people who greeted me and giving a copy of our album to those who asked for it.

I couldn’t find any room to go to. All were occupied and I don’t want to feel awkward back in our dressing room with her in it. I have been wandering around for 10 minutes already and I’m tired. I don’t care anymore, I am going to go inside one of the rooms here. I looked to my right and there was a door written in capital letters.

2NE1 DRESSING ROOM.

2NE1? The only interaction we had with them was that one time Yonghwa Hyung tried to get Bom sunbaenim’s attention which failed miserably. All 3 of us laughed at his embarrassment and since then on hadn’t had any form of interaction with them. I was undecided whether to knock or not but since I am a hoobae, I have to present our album to our sunbaenim right? I mean what do I have to lose?

I peeked through the window on the door and saw that they were all there with their manager. I swallowed my nervousness, took deep breaths and knocked. I opened the door and greet them.

“Annyeonghasaeyo, CNBlue’s Guitarist, Lee Jonghyun imnida.” I said as I bowed at them.

“Annyeonghasaeyo, 2NE1 imnida.” They stood up and bowed at me.

“Omo Jonghyun-ssi, what brings you here,” CL-ssi said.

“Um I, uh, I brought you a copy of our CD sunbaenim,” I said as I took down my guitar to take out the CDs I still have in my guitar bag.

“Waa jinjjayo? Dara has a copy of your CD already,” Bom-ssi said.

“Oh cheongmallyo? Well I’ll give you three a copy too,” I smiled at them.

“Waa thank you so much Jonghyun-ssi,” Minzy-ssi said.

“Dara unnie is a fan of CNBlue you know! Since she practice her guitar, she’s been looking at songs that has a lot of guitar and what better songs to look for other than Korea’s No.1 Rock Band CNBlue,” CL-ssi said.

I got embarrassed at what she said and I felt humbled. “Komawoyo sunbaenim,” I said as I bowed again and give them 3 copies.

“Jonghyun-ssi can you sign it for me?” Dara-ssi said.

“N-ne?”

“Ours too!” Bom-ssi said.

I took their copy and saw that Dara-ssi’s copy was a bit tattered, signifying that it’s been quite used a lot. It feels so nice to see all your hard work appreciated like this. It brought a smile to my face as I wrote a letter of sorts in their copies.

“Omo Jonghyun-ssi you should smile more. You look so handsome,” Bom-ssi said. I got flattered and handed them their copies.

“Dear Dara sunbaenim, the way of the guitar is the way to know yourself. Fighting in learning on how to play the guitar! Lee Jonghyun. Waa where did you get those words Jonghyun-ssi? It’s inspiring!” Dara-ssi said as he read my letter in her copy.

“Oh it’s what I learnt when composing. All of my songs were about my past experiences, feelings, hopes and dreams.”

“Then Sleepless Night must be you missing a lot of sleep about a girl- oh wait sorry to intrude in your private life Jonghyun-ssi,” She said as she bowed at me.

“A-aniyo. It’s okay.” I quickly answered.

“Um Jonghyun-ssi do you have time?” She suddenly asked.

“Ne I do have quite some time sunbaenim,” I replied curious on what she wanted.

“Can you teach me a bit with your guitar? It’s perfect since you brought yours and I always bring mine everywhere.”

“Yah unnie, what are you doing?” CL-ssi said.

“It’s fine CL-ssi. I don’t mind teaching her. I actually like teaching people how to play a guit-“ I stopped halfway. I suddenly thought of the time I actually taught HER how to play a guitar. Great. Just great. Why does she pop up everytime?

I cleared my throat and said, “I-I mean it’s no trouble at all.”

“Jonghyun-ssi can we talk comfortably? All these formal talking is hard work.” Dara-ssi said and the other 3 quickly said, “Yes that’s a good idea! Can we talk in banmal Jonghyun-ssi?”

“Sure. Um so how should I call you all?”

“Well Chaerin-ah is fine with me.”

“Just call me and Dara noona I guess,” Bom-ssi, ani it’s Bom noona said now.

“Please call me Minkki,” Minzy said with a bit of aegyo that made her unnies scream in retaliation of what she did. “YAH! Gong Minji!” “ANDWAE MINJI!” “WAAHH!”

They were all screaming at how she did aegyo at me and I laughed at them and I said, “Arasseo, I’ll call you Minkki from now on.”

“Andwae you can’t Jonghyun-ah! Wait can I call you that?” Bom asked.

“Yes you can and why can’t I call her that noona?”

“Yeah unnie why can’t oppa call me Minkki?” She teased Bom noona which brought another outburst from her.

“YAH GONG MINJI! How can you just call him oppa out of the blue?” Bom noona said.

“Ani gwenchana noona. Minkki and Chaerin-ah can call me oppa since I’m older than them,” I quickly said.

“Wahh daebak we got close quickly with Jonghyun o-oppa,” Chaerin-ah said to which I smiled at her. Well frankly I was also surprised on how we got comfortable quite fast but I don’t mind. I’m a fan of theirs after all.

“So um noona where’s your guitar?” I asked her. She quickly stood up and went to search for her guitar.

“Drat, I forgot it to bring it! Ottoke?”

“Dara-yah you’re forgetful already? It must be the age!” Bom noona . Dara noona quickly slapped her in the arm and said, “YAH! What do you mean age? We’re off the same age!”

“Ow! Yah Sandara Park that hurts!” and that started a slapping match between Bom noona and Dara noona.

“Unnie stop fighting! We have a guest here,” Chaerin-ah said. But I didn’t mind. On the contrary I was laughing at their childish behavior. They were so Dorky just like Taeyeon noona.

“Ani it’s fine with me Chaerin-ah! Since you didn’t bring your guitar noona I can just show you some tricks,” I smiled at her. I took out my guitar, grabbed a chair and sat down. “I’m going to start playing.”

“Ne!” Minkki said. Just saying that name made me smile.

I started playing random tunes then an idea came to me. After a few set of chords, started playing I Don’t Care instrumental. “Wahh daebak oppa! It’s like the guitar is singing while you’re playing the tune.” Minkki said.

“Wanna sing?” I asked. They nodded and they started singing while altering their voices to make it funny.  We have been goofing around for 5 minutes when Dara noona asked me again, “Jonghyun-ah can you tell us how you composed Sleepless Night? Is it about you losing sleep for a girl?”

Chaerin-ah were glaring at Dara noona but Minkki and Bom noona were like children, excited to hear a good story.

I laughed at their behavior and said, “Ne, that’s right.”

“KYAA!!!” “OMO! WHO IS THIS GIRL JONGHYUN-AH?”

Come to think of it, I don’t feel bad about talking about her in front of them. Instead of feeling bad I just feel happy, happy that I could talk about her freely and also the fact that these people are goofy. I feel like myself, my old self.

“Eii noona, I won’t tell you who but it was around January when I first compose the music. It wasn’t till late September when I wrote the lyrics.”

“Daebak Jonghyun-ah. Come on, tell us who this girl is!” Bom noona said.

“Yah unnie, don’t ask him. That’s personal,” Chaerin-ah said while she pinched her.

“Ouch, yah Chaerin-ssi, I’m older than you,” Bom noona countered.

“Unnie, I’m the leader. Merong,” Chaerin-ah said while flashing her tongue.

I laughed heartily. They’re really like children. Goofy children that you could like once you get to know them.

“Oppa does she know you wrote a song for her?” Minkki asked.

“Ani, she doesn’t know.”

“Waeyo Jonghyun-ah. She’s one lucky girl for you to write a song dedicated for her. How great is she?” Dara noona said.

“Wait oppa, is she your girlfriend?!” Minkki asked.

“YAH GONG MINJI!! Stop asking personal matters,” Chaerin-ah shouted, exasperated with controlling her members. “Mianheyo oppa, my members can be a bit nosy.”

I laughed a bit and said, “Ani gwenchana Chaerin-ah. And Minkki, to answer your questi-“ My phone started ringing and I immediately answered the phone, “Yoboseyo?”

Hyung we’re about to perform. Palli come! Minhyuk said.

“Arasseo, I’m on my way,” and I ended the call. “Mianhe guys I have to go.”

“Oh gwenchana oppa,” Chaerin-ah said then she looked at their manager, “Unnie do we have a copy of our album, we’ll sign it for Jonghyun oppa.”

“Yeah here you go.”

They wrote a long letter after signing and they give it to me. “I’ll read it later. Thanks for the album, I’m a big fan of yours!”

“Oppa can I get your number?” Minkki suddenly ask.

“YAH MINJI! Jonghyun-ah don’t give Minji your number, give it to me instead,” Bom noona said. Chaerin-ah just sighed while I’m laughing.

“Here’s my number, 0220-****-****. I’ll see you around!” I bowed to them and after a final greeting and I went on my way. It was refreshing, a change of mood. It’s been a while since I’ve smiled willingly and effortlessly. The 2NE1 girls were so dorky you wouldn’t believe they were the same charismatic girls performing onstage. I smiled knowing that I could still be happy without her and I walked away unaware of two doe-like eyes on my back.

I walked to our dressing room and opened it without knocking. The occupants were shocked at the sudden open door and looked at their “visitor”. Well I too was shocked as they were still here. I mentally slapped myself at forgetting that SNSD noonas were still here. I bowed and smiled and greeted them, “Annyeonghasaeyo.”

“Jonghyun-ah? Is that you really? Are you sick?” Taeyeon noona asked and put her hand on my forehead.

“Aniyo noona. Waeyo?” I asked confused.

“You’re smiling.” She said bluntly. I chuckled slightly and said, “Nothing wrong with smiling noona.”

“It is if you- I begged for you to smile and now you’re smiling without me telling you to,” She whispered but she too smiled at me and invited me to sit.

The atmosphere of the room was back to its original bubbly mood and surprisingly I was part of that bubbly mood as the impact of creating new friends and their dorky attitude affected my mood. I was laughing and chatting with the members and SNSD noonas that I didn’t notice that they were one short until Jungshin whispered to me, “Hyung what happened? Did you meet her?“

“Meet who?” I asked confusedly.

“U-um Yoona noona,” he whispered so silently that one couldn’t probably hear it but I did, clear as a bell and that quickly broke my good mood.

“Why would I meet her?” I answered coldly my expression turning sour.

“J-just be-because-“

“Don’t tell me, I don’t want to know,” I whispered so coldly that Jungshin was trembling with fear. I breathed in and out trying to control my anger. I don’t want to beat Jungshin in front of SNSD noonas but I just might later. I tried to control my anger to no avail until I received a text.

Oppa here’s our numbers! – Minkki

Jonghyun-ah fighting for your performance! – Bom noona

Jonghyun-ah remember you have to teach me how to play guitar – Dara noona

Oppa Miane for my member’s behavior a while ago – Chaerin-ah

When I received that it somehow worked and I was at a neutral state. I sighed, what the hell am I gonna do. Well the 2NE1 girls can calm me down but what do I do when I lose it. I don’t think I want to lose it in front of anyone just like I did on that night, the night all my days turned into darkness.

- Flashback January 1, 2014 –

I woke up with a hangover. I was out with Kyuline members withYonghwa Hyung celebrating New Year’s Eve. We got drunk and had fun, well they had fun at the least but I couldn’t because I miss this one girl, Yongie.

Truthfully, I have felt her indifference to our relationship but I tried to engage her in conversations, outings and such. I think the last time we had a proper date was June because after that both of us had our world tour. We had little communications for almost 3 months but I did try my best to call her and text her at least how is she. She didn’t respond to most of them and when she did, she would reply with short sentence. I felt that our relationship was going downhill. The last I spoke to her was sometime in mid-November when I had just arrived in Korea and I called her. I asked to meet her excitedly that I finally get to see her after a long time. What shocked me was how indifferent her voice sound like.

“Waeyo Oppa?”

“Yongie! Let’s meet?”

“I can’t oppa. I’m busy.”

“Oh kure? Arasseo. Love you Yongie.”

“Ne” Then she hung up.

That was the last time I talked to her. I tried calling her to no avail. She wouldn’t pick up so I was forced to ask Taeyeon noona on her conditions and she updated me on her status, what she’s doing and whatnot. Although the way noona talked to me was controlled but I didn’t notice because I was more focused on her updates than on her tone. I should have seen that as a flag.

When I woke up I checked my phone for any response from Yongie and as usual none; I texted her last night just to greet her Happy New Year. I sighed and I lied in my bed thinking what I did to our relationship. Because I know I trust her, completely. It must have been my doing why she’s ignoring me like this. Did I not care enough? Did I not try hard enough to know about her day to day activities? Was I indifferent in the first place?

I don’t know what I have done but I did something wrong in the first place for her to ignore me like this. I guess that’s just how much I love her.

All this thinking intensified my hangover that my headache is throbbing wildly and I need a glass of water. I got up and went out to fetch a glass of water. I heard some hurried whispers and I saw the 3 of them huddled in the couch with a  surprised look and an obvious poker face.

“What are you guys doing?”

“N-nothing hyung, j-ju-just-“ Minhyuk stammered.

“What this guy mean is that we’re just talking about last night, right Jungshin?” Yonghwa said, while looking pointedly at Jungshin and motioned his head towards me.

 Jungshin who got surprised with Yonghwa’s sudden action looked at me guiltily said, “N-ne? Oh y-yeah, that’s r-right. Wh-what Yonghwa s-said was right.”

I’ve known these guys for years that I know them like the back of their hands. It didn’t take a genius to know that they’re lying about something, something they didn’t want me to know and by their expressions and actions, it’s not good news.

“Spill, what are you guys hiding from me?” I looked at them questioningly, anxiety building up in me.

“It’s nothing Jonghyun, it’s-“

I saw Yonghwa hyung got the TV remote in his hand that made me guess it’s something they were watching. I quickly turned my back on them and turned the TV on manually.

Have you ever wondered how a heart sounds like when it’s breaking? Have you ever wondered how it feels like to have your soul forcefully out? Well I couldn’t even describe the pain I felt. There are no words to describe how it felt.

When I switched the TV on, they were watching the news and guess what, Yongie is there with the scandal with Seunggi sunbaenim. The details were there that they met in the middle of the night, had a dinner date then left. The worst thing is that both agencies confirmed their relationship and stated that their relationship started at the end of September.

The puzzle pieces started to fall in their right places. The reason why she ignored me is this. It can only be this. She fell out of in love of me and she didn’t even give me a closure of our relationship. Is this the true Im Yoona? You know what else is messed up, the fact that SM confirmed their relationship and due to the fact that both Yongi- ani Yoona-ssi and I went to seek LSM’s blessing for our relationship.

Yonghwa hyung hurriedly went to turn off the TV but I tackled him down, hard. I gave all three of them a glare as a warning that no one touches the TV. I looked back again at the TV while Minhyuk and Jungshin helped Hyung up. I couldn’t take my eyes off the TV which breaks and grinds my heart into dust every single second. I couldn’t take it anymore and I walked to my door with those three rushing right behind me.

“Jonghyun! Don’t lock the door! Talk to us!”

“Hyung let us help you through this!”

“Jebal Hyung!”

I know they’re concerned but I am at that point where I don’t care anymore. I want to get away from them, ani. I want to get away from everyone. I grabbed my phone, a jacket and my car keys and opened the door. They were blocking the way, concern written in all of their faces.

“Get out of the way,” I whispered while glaring at them.

“Hyung, please talk to-“

“I SAID GET OUT OF THE WAY!” I shouted. They were stunned and I used that time to push through them and walk to the door. A hand suddenly grabbed my shoulder and I acted on instinct, I twisted his hand and used my waist to tackle him down. It was Minhyuk. Instead of feeling sorry, I left him down on the floor and headed out. Last I saw was Jungshin helping Minhyuk while Yonghwa hyung looking at me with pity in his eyes. I don’t need his pity; I don’t need anyone’s pity.

I drove and drove without any destination while speeding. I didn’t care if a police pulls me over, I just drove crazy. Why did this happen? What did I do wrong? Wasn’t my love for enough? Wasn’t I enough for her?

I screamed from my frustration and stepped on the gas hard. Suddenly, a man crossed the street and thanks to my Judo reflexes I managed not to hit anything at that speed. My heart was thumping hard from that experience. I was scared that I might have killed that man or me but it managed to clear my head from the pain I felt.

I need to calm down. Calm down. Calm down Jonghyun. Calm down.

I kept on chanting that in my head and I slowed down my speed and parked on the side. I didn’t know where I was but I know I shouldn’t drive with me in this state. I got out of the car and walked around. I didn’t notice that it was night time already and I saw a bar on my left. Why not right? You saw people drinking their problems away? Why can’t I too?

I entered the bar and it wasn’t that full. I guess it was still too early, or is it the fact that it is New Year that everyone’s at home with their loved o- Damnit. Yongie- Yoona-ssi keeps on popping in my head. I trudged to the bartender, sat at the stool and said, “Give me anything hard.”

He looked at me and tilted his head sideways, wondering if I was someone famous. I just ignored him and he shrugged and poured me a drink. I sip through the drink and it was tequila. Well I can’t complain, I wanted to forget anyways.

My phone vibrated and I took it out. I unlocked it and saw hundreds of notifications. 189 miscalls, 201 messages, 325 SNS updates all from people seeking my location. I skimmed through it all and it was mostly from the KyuLine members, my members, my manager, my family some even from Seohyunnie and Taeyeon noona. Those were the majority but I saw that not even one came from her. Not a call or a text, not a single communication came from her. She must be busy with her NEW boyfriend. I scoffed, threw my phone on the table and downed the tequila and motioned the bartender to hit me again.

How nice is it for her to have a new love while she discarded mine like garbage. She must be happy with him. She must have hated me when she said yes to me. Yes, she must have hated me. Well fine. I won’t care at all. I will hate everything, everything to do with her. I won’t give a damn about anything-

My phone rang, the ringtone was My Love. It’s her. I only put that song as a special ringtone just for her. I don’t know whether I should answer it or not. My anger told me not to answer but reject the call. But my heart says to hear it all out. My heart won.

“Jongie?” she whispered guilt filled her voice.

“I-is it true? All of it. Is it true?” I whispered through the phone, hoping ani begging her to say it’s not true.

“Jongie tell me where you are so we can talk-”

“TELL ME! IS IT TRUE?!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. All the people at the bar were looking at me scared at my sudden outburst.

She was sobbing in the other line and whispered, “Yes but-“

I laughed bitterly. Of course it’s true. Why did I even hope that it wouldn’t be true? I stopped laughing and said menacingly, “Don’t talk to me, don’t you ever let me see you again.”

“Jongie, wait! Don’t –“

I threw the phone to the wall hard that it shattered to a thousand pieces. I can’t take it anymore. Every single word she says fed fire to my heart. I was fuming, I was angry, I wanted to hit somebody, and I wanted to hurt someone so bad, the same I’m feeling right now. I got lucky.

“Hey man! What’s your problem?!” a guy suddenly grabbed my shoulder and turned me around forcefully.

“What do you want?” I asked menacingly giving him a cold look.

“The pieces of your phone hit me in the head and scratched me. What are you gonna do about it huh?” He tried to look intimidating but it wasn’t working.

“Nothing, your head is thick anyways,” I sat back down and sipped through my drink.

I expected it. He swung his right hand for a hook but I neatly dodged it and gave him an uppercut straight to his stomach. He grunted in pain and bent over. I could have chosen to leave things here but I wasn’t on the right mind. I kneed him on the face which sent him flying. I sat back down and continued drinking.

“Chanseo! WHY YOU LITTLE B****!”

Oh so he has friends.

A fight quickly arose and to cut everything short, I was bleeding on my right arm when I got cut from a broken beer bottle and a few good punches on my body, but that wasn’t the worst that happened. The worst was the bar was messed up with broken chairs and bottles and those guys who messed with me were pretty beaten up thanks to my Judo upbringing. The owner of the bar started calling the cops and I ended up in jail, IN JAIL! Well no matter I didn’t care anymore. i don’t care what happened to me anymore. My manager then picked me up after 2 hours in jail after clearing everything up and none of that went to the news surprisingly. I wanted it to be on the news, just to show her what she made me become-

- End of Flashback –

“CNBlue you’re up.” A coordi suddenly told us and Yonghwa hyung kissed Hyungsoonim’s cheeks and patted Sica noona’s head and went out. Likewise, Jungshin  hugged Sooyoung noona grabbed his bass and followed Hyung as did Minhyuk. I was left alone with them, SNSD noonas. All of them we’re looking at me, afraid of the dark aura that Jungshin has put around me.

“Um Jonghyun-ah aren’t you going?” Taeyeon noona asked me.

I just nodded, grabbed my guitar, bowed to them and went out. I was lost in thought as I followed my members, ignoring all the people along the way who were greeting us, all but the exception of the 2NE1 girls. My members were shocked at how they interacted with me and I couldn’t blame them. Who would have thought I was friends with them? And most of all just we just became friends on the same day.

“Oppa fighting!” “Jonghyun-ah you didn’t reply to my text.” “Eyy Bom, he was busy practicing with his guitar. Stop being clingy.”

Chaerin-ah just grabbed all their hands and dragged them away and shot me an apologizing look. I laughed at them and shook my head slightly.

“What was that about Jonghyun-ah?”

“Yeah hyung since are you close with 2NE1?”

“Stop asking and let’s go,” I said, ignoring their questioning look behind my back.

Thanks to 2NE1 for bringing my mood up slightly, I was able to interact with Yoo Hee Yeol sunbaenim. I was laughing and interacting quite comfortably.

 But somehow I keep seeing her in the audience. I would glance at a place in the audience and I saw, no I felt that she was there staring at me. It happened again on the same place, then a third time. I stared at the place scanning every face for those deer like eyes. None. I quickly brushed off the feeling but it was gnawing me at the back of my mind. The feeling didn’t go anywhere.

After our part in sketch book, we were walking back to our dressing room with our Manager telling us to go back home and pack. We were going to leave for Japan for FNC Kingdom concert the following day. The feeling came back to me again, two eyes staring behind my back. I quickly turned around and there she was. I was right all along, she really was there looking at me. As our eyes met and held its place I started noticing her changes, she grew thin, thinner than usual, her face looks pale, her eyes puffy and slightly red. But the most prominent change I saw was the happiness I used to see in her eyes were gone and replaced with longing? I am not sure and frankly I don’t care anymore. she has her own life anyways and I’m no longer part of it and I don’t wish to be part of it any time soon or better yet, forever. She can go back to her boyfriend for all I care.

I just looked at her blankly, turned around and walked away. I walked away from the girl who used to be my dream, the girl who used to be my life.

Author's Note:

Hello again guys! I'm so sorry its been long since i've updated. Work was hectic for the past two weeks and i've been writing on my spare time. But i will try my best to update the remaining chapters as quickly as i can. ^_^

Jonghyun's story would be in 3 parts - This one, then part 2 would be like the closure and the epilogue would contain my promise to you guys at the poll you guys generously filled ^_^. (I took it out just as a surprise but may not be a surprise for all of you who saw the results anyways XD)

Oh and by the way, i couldnt resist in putting 2NE1 in ths story. I am a proud BlackJack, S♥ne and Boice! XD

See you in the next update! Cheers!
 

♥♣Pokerman♠♦