BGM: Love is..

* March 8, 2014 CNBlue’s Dorm *

- Minhyuk’s POV –

We got a huge shock last night. After our performance, we wondered why Jungshin chose to stay behind. We brushed it off thinking that he probably wants to meet with Sooyoung noona so we let him be. We thought he finally chose to be brave. So us three waited and waited in our dorm for Jungshin hoping for the best but the chances were slim. Sooyoung noona had a boyfriend, will she choose Jungshin? That was what we thought. So when Jungshin came home we were shocked. He came home with loads and loads of food but that was the least of the surprise. What shocked us was his dreamy smile plastered on his face. We quickly assumed that Sooyoung noona chose him but what he said shocked us.

“Ani, I’m courting slash dating Eunjung noona,” is what he said. My mouth was opened and my eyes widen when he told us what happened yesterday. I can still remember Yonghwa hyung’s smile growing and Jonghyun hyung’s expression: shocked like I was. He told us his encounter with Sooyoung noona then how Eunjung noona kissed him. When we heard kissed we were shouting with happiness for our maknae. At least one of us is on the mend and happy. So we partied with the food T-ara made for us but without alcohol. Frankly I have had enough of alcohol but sometimes it helps ease the pain you feel.

“So what are you going to say to Sooyoung noona?” I asked before we slept.

“Honestly, I haven’t figured what to do. It will probably take time for me to completely move on and by the time I do move on, I would have thought of what to do,” he said.

Before we sleep I said to Jungshin, “I’m happy for you. At least one of us is happy.”

“You’ll figure it out with Krystal Minhyuk-ah,” he said.

So here I am in my bed thinking and thinking on what to do. Jungshin is cleaning the dorm, whistling a tune as he just had a phone call from Eunjung noona. Lucky guy. Yonghwa hyung and Jonghyun hyung went to FNC as they were called for work so that left me and Jungshin at home.

I don’t know what to do. Should I forgive her for what she has done? Or should I move on like Jungshin? The second option feels promising as the prominent evidence is Jungshin. He’s happy right now. I want to be happy. Will that include her? Am I ready to live without her in my life? God please I need help! I can’t do this anymore…

Tears were falling down as I lied down in bed looking at the cold empty ceiling. I looked at my desk and our photo together was there smiling at me. I grabbed the photo and held it up. We looked so happy but now, nothing feels right anymore. Why did you do this to me? Why me? Why?

* Flashback *

When I saw what Sooyoung noona, Yoona noona and Seohyun did to my members, I was scared; scared that all girls would be like that. They would make you happy for a time then break you into pieces leaving you to suffer for yourself. I was there, when Jonghyun hyung broke down, when Jungshin cried his eyes out in front of the TV, when Yonghwa hyung smashed and kicked the table and glasses. I was there, I witnessed it all. How all their happiness became their nightmare that haunts them even in the day. I haven’t seen Jonghyun hyung and Jungshin cry like that, worst of all I haven’t seen Yonghwa hyung get mad like that. I was paranoid and I started building a wall against my heart fearing that she was like that. I started ignoring her, letting her start all conversations. I have been nurturing this wall around my heart but every call, every text we shared broke down the wall I have been trying to build up. I gave up trying to build that wall as that’s how my love for her is.

Then it came. My worst nightmare. The reason I have been trying to build a wall.

* Sometime in late February *

I was accompanying my members in the bar. Someone had to look out for them. I tried to lessen their alcohol intake and to keep them out of trouble. Although I couldn’t say I have succeeded I seemed to have kept trouble at bay with a lot of effort. We were in a private corner just the four of us when I got a text:

Oppa come fetch me after my photo-shoot? Manager Oppa said he can’t pick me up - Krystal

I haven’t texted her for the past 3 days and likewise she hasn’t texted me in that time. I wanted to decline because who would take care of my members? But the thought of her alone in the middle of the night scared me.

Arasseo, what time?  - Minhyuk

Right now oppa. – Krystal.

I’m on my way. – Minhyuk

Yey! See you in a few oppa! ^.^ - Krystal

That gave me a smile. She’s so dorky sometimes. Now to figure out who I could leave my members to. Only one person came to mind and that is our manager. I quickly search his name in my contacts list and press call. It took a few rings when he answered.

“Minhyuk-ah? Why, what’s the problem?” he asked. That was what he always answer my calls nowadays. He always feared that something bad happened to my members since their heartbroken days.

“Nothing yet hyung. I’m calling because Krystal wants me to pick her up. Her manager couldn’t make it. No one would take care of the others hyung,” I replied.

“Arasseo, text me the place and don’t go before I arrive arasseo?” he said.

“Ne hyung.” I quickly hang up and text the place. My members didn’t even pay attention to my conversation with manager hyung. They were caught up in their “nightmare” as I like to call whenever they are staring into space, overthinking and suffering from their situation. I don’t want to leave them, they need me but Krystal. Krystal is somehow more important at the moment.

5 minutes later, manager hung came. “Luckily I was nearby. Be careful arasseo?”

“Thanks a lot hyung!”

I quickly got out of the club and took a cab to where Krystal is. There was a bit of a traffic jam but I arrived after 20 minutes. I called her but she wasn’t picking her phone. I thought maybe she was still in her photo-shoot and I was right. As I entered the building, bowing to the staff, I saw her with Ahn Jae Hyun-ssi posing for a picture on a couch. I appeared behind the photographer, waving to her while smiling. She smiled brightly realizing my presence.

“Oh nice smile Krystal-ssi! What’s different than before?” the photographer asked.

“Look behind you sir,” she said. I looked at the photographer and he smiled knowingly. “Ah love, so perfect. Minhyuk-ssi, I should always call you when we shoot pictures of Krystal.” We laughed. The atmosphere was pleasant until things went downhill.

I don’t know why or when it happened but she started being clingy to Jae Hyun-ssi. It was evident in the following pictures that the concept has changed into flirty. It was like she’s giving everything to flirt with him. I was dumbfounded and I tried to brush it off. Maybe that was the concept after all. But the photographer was frowning, “Umm Krystal-ssi. What are you doing?”

“Nothing,” she simply said. She replied to the photographer but she was looking at me mischievously. I know that look. She’s going to do something drastic.

“Let’s stick to the original concept, arasseo? Cute CC,” he said. (CC = Campus Couple)

“Ne.”

She didn’t listen. I don’t know what’s going on with her but she keeps on flirting with Jae Hyun-ssi. My blood was boiling with anger. What the hell is she doing? I have been stressed with taking care of my members and have no time for her jokes. What the hell is she doing?

I coughed loudly and all heads turned to look at me but I disregarded them. I was more focus on this girl who was making me angry by the moment. She was smiling innocently like she doesn’t know what she was doing. That made me angrier. What the .

I was shocked. I don’t usually cuss out loud or even in my thoughts. It must be all the stress in what I’m experiencing right now: CNBlue’s comeback, my member’s situation, continuous practice, and most of all, my pending fear of that happening to me. I closed my eyes and breathe huge breaths trying to calm down my heart. As I opened my eyes, her eyes caught mine and she turned to face Jae Hyun-ssi’s face, and lightly peck his lips.

That did it. I walked out.

Damnit. The day I feared came true. Damnit.

I opened the door and slammed it so hard that the glass cracked. I didn’t even care about it. All I thought about that I was right. All girls were like that. None of them could be trusted.

As I trudged down the road-side I heard her shout, “Oppa! Wait!” but I didn’t stop just like the tears that were about to fall. I couldn’t stop them from falling. So this is what love is. Love is so cruel; it perfects you then breaks you.

“Oppa! Wait! Don’t go!” she shouted but I ignored her. I kept on walking with tears streaming down my face. It was already late at night when I got out. There was no one except for a few passing cars. She finally caught up and grabbed my hand and pulled me. It made me turn around and look at her. She was shocked and that made me angrier if that was even possible. My anger was already at its limit. What is she shocked about? Doesn’t she know she did this to me?

“Op-oppa, I di-didn’t mean to do tha-“
 

“Didn’t mean to do that? DIDN’T MEAN TO? ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?” I was shouting right now. “YOU KNOW WHAT? ALL YOU GIRLS ARE THE SAME! ALL YOU DO IS BREAK MEN’S HEARTS! GOD I WAS SO FOOLISH TO BELIEVE THAT YOU EVEN LOVE ME.”

She started crying on what I said to her. But I didn’t care. I don’t want to care anymore. I don’t want to feel anymore.

“Oppa, wh-what ar-are you sa-saying?” she stammered along with her sobs.

“WE’RE DONE!” I tore my hand forcefully away from her and ran. I ran to nowhere leaving her crying her heart out.

* End of Flashback *

Two weeks weren’t enough to calm my anger down. I was still angry at her, at me, at the world. Everything I see is red hot and I’m tired of thinking like this. I threw the photo back on the desk and wiped my tears.

“Oh sunbaenim! What are you doing here?” I heard Jungshin say outside the room. Great, we have a visitor.

“I’m here to see Minhyukkie, Jungshin-ah,” I know that voice.

“Oh he’s in our room sunbaenim,” Jungshin replied.

 A minute later the door opened and I was right. It’s Jiyoung hyung.

“Orenmaniya Minhyukkie,” he said while smiling at me. I rolled my eyes figuring what he’s in here for. He wasn’t what I expected to be. Usually Jiyoung hyung would be flashing bright but today, he just wore faded jeans a simple shirt.

“Not that long hyung. And I already know what you’re here for. I don’t want anything to do with her hyung.” I said. He just laughed.

Most people don’t know that I’m close with Kwon Jiyoung, Big Bang’s G-Dragon. If anyone asks how I came to know him, I would reply that Krystal was his favorite dongsaeng. Those 2 were like real brother and sister. His presence here only states that he’s here to talk about Krystal.

“Yah not even a hug to your hyung?” he said. I sighed and stood up from the bed and gave him a warm hug. “Happy hyung?” he just laughed.

“Minhyukkie I don’t want to impose anyth-“

“Please hyung I have had enough of explanations to last a lifetime. Bottom line is I don’t want to be with her anymore. It’s too much pain and anger for me to carry.” I semi-shouted at him.

“How did you even know I was going to talk about Krystal Minhyukkie? I’m here for you not her,” he said as he lightly hit my head.

“Oh mian hyung, I shouldn’t have shouted at you,” I said as I slump back on my bed. Seeing my position, he too slump on my bed him facing the ceiling and me lying face down beside him.

“You know, both of you are a mess. Where are my bubbly and energetic dongsaeng and her equally dorky boyfriend?” he slightly laughs.

“One had fun while the other suffered,” I laughed bitterly.

“Tell me what happened Minhyukkie,” he said.

And I did. Somewhere along the speech, the tears fell yet again, wetting the bed. I keep on thinking why did it happen to me? Was I not a faithful boyfriend to her? Or was I just stupid to realize that everything wasn’t what it seemed to be in the beginning. That love is something foolishly dreamed and couldn’t be attained.

“I feel your pain Minhyukkie,” he finally said. “Honestly I too don’t know why my dongsaeng did that.”

“What do I do hyung? I’m dying here,” I whispered. The agony was visibly heard in my voice. What’s the point of living if you feel like this?

“Talk? I know something happened between the two of you,” he softly said. “Even before this happened something happened right?”

I looked at him and he was smiling gently. He was hinting on something but I was too hurt to think about it. I don’t pretty much care anymore. One thing that’s clear is the pain and suffering I feel right now.

“Talk to her. You know you were one of the best things that ever happened in her life. I could see your effect on her,” he gently said as he stood up. “You make her glow like I have never ever seen before. And I could also see what she does to you when you’re with her. Your laughter and happiness are on another level. Don’t forsake everything on what you’re feeling right now. Clear your head and think what you want to do arasseo Minhyukkie?” he pat my back lightly and left.

“It’s not that easy hyung,” I whispered. Letting go of my anger? Could I do that? Seems farfetched and impossible.

The door open and Jungshin came and sat on his bed. “Minhyuk, manager hyung said, we’re going to perform in a bit. So better prepare now.” He said.

“Arasseo.”

I trudged down the hallway to the bathroom and took a cold shower in hopes of calming my boiling anger down. No hope. I sighed heavily as I changed into the first clothes I saw. Manager hyung picked us up after 10 minutes for our performance and we met Yonghwa hyung and Jonghyun Hyung there. Yonghwa hyung was in a good mood, I don’t know exactly why but Jungshin made an impact on him. My guess was Yonghwa hyung got an inspiration to move on. But I wasn’t sure.

SNSD were there, we quickly passed through their dressing room and I noticed my brothers’ expressions. Jungshin was troubled, Yonghwa hyung has a pained expression while Jonghyun hyung was indifferent, like he doesn’t care anymore or at least WANT to not care anymore. I sighed and said, “Hyung I’m going to go to the bathroom.” Yonghwa hyung nodded and said, “Don’t be late.”

“Ne.”

As I saw their backs fade into the crowd in the hallway, I backtracked to SNSD’s dressing room. I stood there outside at their door wondering if I’m doing the right thing here. Jiyoung hyung said let go of my anger and think properly but I can’t seem to wrap my head around that yet but maybe, I could talk to them about my brothers. If I can’t do it maybe I could do it for my brothers. With a huge breath I knocked the door.

A second later, the door opened and revealed Jessica noona. The ice princess opened the door for a change is what I first thought but then, her image came into my mind. Great. Just great. With another deep breath to clear my mind as she said, “OH! Minhyuk-ah! GUYS Minhyuk is here!” she shouted behind her back. I heard shock voices behind her and I smiled lightly. I guess like them, I too am shocked that I’m here after all our situations.

“Minhyuk-ah come in,” Sica noona said. I tried not to look at her as much as possible. Their appearance look so much the same that I would think of her immediately. I bowed and said, “Thank you noona.”

As I entered, the girls stood up and had shock faces. They were alone, without their manager or stylists. “Anyeonghaseyo,” I said and bowed.

“Minhyuk-ah, it has been a long time!” Taeyeon noona said. I understood what she meant, although we just met two days ago, it has been a long time since we have interacted properly like this.

“Ne noona, it has been a long time,” I replied. There was an awkward silence and I looked at my feet.

I cleared my throat just to break the awkwardness, “Um congratulations on your win noona deul.”

“Kahmsamida Minhyuk-ah. Congratulations too for performing in Comeback show,” Taeyeon noona said. Oh they saw it. Well this gonna be awkward especially for Seohyun and Yoona noona.

“Ah ne,” I replied.

“Um are you here for Sica unnie?” Seohyun asked.

“Aniyo Hyungsooni-“ I stopped half way. I was shocked with what I said. It was an automatic response but I do not have the right to call her that anymore after everything that has happened. Quickly I looked at her fearing the worst. She was smiling and a tear escaped her eyes.

“Um Minhyuk-ah, a-about Jung-Jungshinnie,” Sooyoung noona asked.

I smiled and said, “He’s fine noona. Just give him a few more days. If you don’t believe me, watch him later during our performance.”

“Ah arasseo,” She smiled after a relieved sigh.

Then I look at Yoona noona. She was undecided with fear etched in her face. I sighed. This is the girl that made Jonghyun hyung the way he is right now. YongSeo’s problem seemed miniscule to what happened between the two of them. The anger in my heart sparked just by looking at her. Why did she do that to Jonghyun hyung when he loved her with all his might? I think my expression changed when I looked at her because Sica noona suddenly laid her hand on my shoulder. With a surprise, I suddenly realized I was glaring at her and her face was tearing up. I cleared my throat and tried to let go of the anger in my heart.

“Ne Yoona-ss- um noona, do you want to ask me something?” I said carefully as the anger in my voice was still evident.

“Um- it’s… Um is he-… Is-is he…” she mumbled around with a pained expression. It’s not only Jonghyun hyung who was suffering but her too. I felt guilty for putting her n this position and I sighed as my anger went away and replaced with pity. Yuri noona hugged her and smiled at her. Yoona noona then looked at me and I smiled encouragingly. “How-how is he doing?”

“Ah about that,” I wasn’t sure how to answer without hurting her but any response I tried seems blunt. “I don’t know how to say it noona-“

“It’s okay Minhyuk-ah, you can just tell me,” she whispered unsure whether she wanted to hear what I am about to say.

“Jonghyun hyung is,” I said. “He’s living like a zombie noona. He doesn’t want to do anything; he does everything we say to him. He won’t eat unless forced to eat. He won’t back away from fights and beating them mercilessl-“ I stopped as she was crying with what I said. I felt guilty at once and I said, “Mianhe noona. I-I didn’t mean to um tell you tho-“

“Aniya, I made him like thi-“

My phone rang suddenly and I took it out and shock ran through me as I saw the caller’s name: Jonghyun hyung. He doesn’t use his phone anymore unless called. “It’s Jonghyun hyung.”

“Can-can yo-you put it in speaker-phone? I-I ju-just want to hear hi-his voice” she whispered.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea noon-“

“Please? We’ll be quiet,” she said. She misunderstood me. I wasn’t thinking about me getting in trouble because of visiting them, I was worried about her when she hears Jonghyun hyung’s tone.

I answered the call and put it on speaker phone, “Minhyuk, where are you?” His voice was cold and full of daggers. I could just imagine the stare he would give me if I were to be in his presence.

“Oh mianhe hyung, I got lost-“

“Stop whatever you’re doing and come here quickly. I don’t have time to look for you,” his voice was really full of anger.

“Arasseo hyung, give me 5 more minut-“

“Come here NOW!” he shouted and he hung up. I looked at her and disbelief could be seen in her face. Well at first I was shocked at how alien he feels around us but I got used to it. For her however is her first time hearing her after that happened. She was breaking down and she kept crying while whispering, “I made him like this. I made him like this.” I instantly felt guilty and sorry for accepting her request.

“Minhyuk-ah I’ll see you out. Don’t worry about Yoona, we’ll deal with her.” Sica noona said. I said my farewell and bowed while looking at Yoona noona. She hasn’t stopped crying yet.

As I got out with Sica noona with me, I said, “Sorry about that noona.”

“Don’t worry about it Minhyuk-ah. Worry about your problem with my sister,” She said not with a glare as I thought she would have but a concerned face. I thought she would have taken her sister’s side but she’s rooting for us. That face made all my defenses crumble down and I asked, “How-how is-is she?”

“She misses you. She has been saying that since January that she misses you,” she tapped my shoulder and went back in.

With a numb mind I went straight to our performance and I was unconcerned with Jonghyun’s death glare and advancing at me but Yonghwa hyung held him back. “Mianhe hyung.”

He just scoffed and turned his back to go get his guitar. If Yonghwa hyung didn’t stop him I would have earned a punch or two.

Our performance went with a blur, I was numb but I noticed my members’ expressions. Jungshin was better than he was yesterday, Yonghwa hyung was in a good mood and the reason why I still do not know. Jonghyun hyung has a controlled face, not showing any smile but also not showing anger as how he was 5 minutes ago. Actually his expression was expressionless. During that performance my mind wasn’t there but on Sica noona’s words:

(Here's the video vid. Jungshin looks better seriously. Minhyuk and Jonghyun didnt even smile or anything. I'll explain yonghwa next update)

She misses you... since January…

What did she meant since January? We had our problem at February. Aish I need to think and I think better with a drum in a lonely place.

After our performance, I asked our manager if I can go practice my drumming skills in the studio. He said quickly while glancing at Jonghyun who was still pissed at me. It was killing 2 birds with 1 stone, it gave me time to think and I won’t get beaten up by Jonghyun hyung when we arrived home.

I took a cab to go to FNC because Jonghyun hyung used the van. Call me paranoid but Jonghyun hyung changed, his anger boils like a volcano.

Once I got there I rushed to our studio, and closed the door. Actually this was where we record our songs, soundproof and only has one window, where the producer (usually Yonghwa hyung) could see me. It was perfect, it was soundproof and quiet. No one could disturb me and since I didn’t meet anyone along the way except at the reception, no one would know I was here.

I sat on the chair and took out my drumsticks and started with practicing with beats. Once I have finished, that’s where I let my body do what it’s best to do, drumming without thinking. It’s a skill I picked along the way. It gave me practice while giving me a clear head since it release the stress in my body.

Since January... She misses you since January…

Why January? I thought she would have said she misses you since your fight or since you left her. Okay I need to get back to the basics. What happened in January? My members’ situation happened. Jungshin saw Sooyoung noona’s scandal, Yonghwa got betrayed, Jonghyun hyung saw the explanation in Yoona’s scandal. What’s the connection between that and Krystal? Me. So what about me? I got scared. I got scared that it may happen to me. Then it clicked. Like the feeling of putting every puzzle piece perfectly, I got what Jiyoung hyung meant.

I made this happen. It was because of me. The tears came flowing down while my drumming slowed down.

Because I got scared, I ignored her. I ignored her. That’s why she misses me since January. Because I ignored her she did that thing to get me notice her again. It backfired on me. It was supposed to protect me but it made it happen, my worst nightmare.

I got angry. So angry that my drumming got heavy and forced. I’m angry at myself that I pushed Krystal away. Why did I have to push her away? We are suffering because of what I’ve done. She probably hates me right now. I shouldn’t have ended it. She has more right to do it than I do. I screamed in frustration on what I’ve done.

I didn’t realize what I’m doing at my drums that with a sharp pang, the left cymbals cracked while it broke my left drumstick. The broken piece hit my left arm sharply and fell to the floor. My left arm started bleeding continuously from a not so huge wound. I stopped drumming as I looked at the blood flowing down my arm. My head got numb from the pain and from the anger I still felt in my heart. I just sat there looking at my blood flow showing no concern at all.

BAM! The door suddenly opened and the person who opened the door shouted, “YAH OPPA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING STARING AT IT LIKE THAT?!”

“Kry-Krystal…” I said. She’s here. She really is here. I sat there just staring at her as she started cleaning the wound with a first aid kit she carried with her when she entered. She took away the broken drumstick I still held and laid it beside her. I got curious if she really was here and not a dream. With my empty left hand I gently her cheek. She stopped what she was doing as she looked at me, shocked with what I have done.

“Op-oppa,” she said. “I-I’m so sorry-“

I grabbed her arm and pulled her to me, kissing her squarely on the lips. After a while I said, “I’m sorry too. For leaving like that and ignoring you like the I way I did-“

She cut me off by kissing me again.

I guess that’s what love is, happiness written with problems. Forgiveness, the key to solving problems. No words could explain how happy I felt at that moment.

Author's note:

Hi guys! so how is it? haha sorry i updated late. too much work! Next is Yongseo's Story!

Cheers!