To: Soo Jung-ie

Soo Jung-ah… Are you asleep?

I hesitated a little before pressing the ‘send’ button but I sent it anyway. It was a very hectic day for CNBLUE. We locked ourselves in the studio for the entire day because we need to practice for our Blue Moon World Tour in America. We would leave for New York in two days so we had to prepare our best. Yong Hwa hyung, being the perfectionist leader, would not let us out of the studio before we covered everything. And he did not let us to bring our phones into the studio either so that we could focus entirely on our practice sessions. He said, “If I could do it, you guys should be able to do it, too.”

So when we finished half an hour ago, and I found one voice mail from Soo Jung in my phone, I felt a bit guilty towards her because I could not get back to her earlier. I played it again for the third time after I sent the message to her. She sounded cheerful even though I knew that she was also having a hard time preparing for f(x)’s comeback, “Oppa.. You’re not picking up your phone so I guess you’re practicing hard right now. Hmm.. I.. I just want to…” She sounded a bit hesitant at that part, before ended up saying, “Anyway, fighting!”.

I chuckled as I lay on my bed, resting my extremely exhausted body. It was a simple gesture, but I would like to let her know that it meant a lot to me. Maybe I missed being in a relationship, having that special someone to greet you every morning, and asked you how your day went. A partner who understand you, who laugh at your jokes, who remind you to eat well and to take care of your health, who nag you when you forgot to rest, I guessed I longed for that kind of person.

Suddenly I remembered Yonghwa hyung’s relationship with Seohyun. They rarely had the chance to see each other. When that chance came, they were almost never left alone. Somebody else must have been there with them. Sometimes it was him or other CNBLUE member, other times it was her unnies, and most times there were a bunch of other people. But when they were too busy and their schedule did not let them to meet, they never forgot to remind themselves that they had each other. Yonghwa hyung never forgot to call her every night wherever they were, no matter how busy they were at the time. At the same time, Seohyun never forgot to call him every morning, remind him to have breakfast before starting his day and to eat his vitamin so that he would not get sick. When they could not call, they texted. When they were too busy to send the text themselves, they asked their manager to send a text to the other. It was always like that for two years. Consistent. Persistent.

I was envious of their determination to make it work. One day, I asked Yonghwa hyung about it, about whether he was tired of being in relationship that needed so much hard work when his work as the leader of CNBLUE was also exhausting. Did you know what his answer was? He told me in a serious tone, “I love her. When you love someone, shouldn’t you give your all to try and make it work? Shouldn’t you try your best? I think you should because if you don’t, you’ll lose her. And I don’t want to lose Seohyun. Not ever.”

His answer made me think about what I had with Soo Jung. She gave me the kind of comfort I had never felt with any other girl before. And I was not ready to lose it and I want to always see her, to be able to talk to her, to seek her comfort. Maybe I was greedy, but is it poss