December 8^th, 2011

She hated autumn but she loved winter. Autumn was filled with unwelcome change and an eerie feeling of death but in winter, time seemed as frozen as the snow on the ground.  In autumn, she moved on. She went from job to job, managing to break even with her living expenses by teaching, tutoring, and working at a flower shop on the weekends.  A strict pattern filled her life. Wake up, eat, teach, tutor, eat, sleep, and repeat.  On weekends, it wasn’t much different other than work and the “accidental I was around the neighborhood” coffee meetups with Jinki.  In autumn, her life was always moving, always changing.

But in winter, when all the students were on their break and she had her own vacation, time froze for her.

Rarely, she went to a playground where she learned of dreams and innocence. She liked to swing and let the wind push her. This is it, she thought. I’m living a normal life, a quiet life. The life I always wanted. This is my dream. She could swing her life away and live comfortably and happily. But as the cool breath of the winter breeze chilled her shoulders, she wondered if the owner of a certain bracelet still ached for his past or left them frozen in time for new ones.

Sometimes, she visited a bookstore by a bus stop. She did not have much time to read any more, but she tried to squeeze in some sentences before she went to bed. The books she always choose tended to be on the top shelf, just inches from being caressed by the tips of her fingers, waiting for someone taller to help her reach them.

Almost never, she sits alone in first class. She no longer booked a ticket in first class because she never went on airplanes. Korea was now her permanent home. Besides, she always had trouble lifting her bag in the overhead cabinet because the plane attendants assumed she had someone to help her.   

But always, she carries two cell phones on her and some banana milk. One of her numbers is her current one. Her friends, family, colleges, a few favorite students, and Jinki were her contacts. They call often (especially her students, begging for help on an assignment), leave her text messages, and it was almost like her old number never existed. But it never occurred to her that she no longer needed her old number, that she was paying extra every month out of her meager pay check for a number that no one calls. She does not realize that every couple of days, when she recharges her old phone, she checks the old text messages. She tells herself that she is not waiting (because he’s not waiting and he’s gone far, far away) so it is about time for her to allow herself to thaw and let time melt away the memories.
 

It is an odd moment when she sees him.

He doesn’t see her walk off the bus – he is immersed in whatever he is fiddling with his hands. Despite the sunglasses and hat, she can immediately tell it is him.

As slyly as she could, she studies him from the corner of her eyes. Were his cheekbones that prominent the last time she saw him? Hopefully he was eating enough. His hair was so much shorter… She could remember how his hair tickled the nape of his neck before… The lines on his forehead were there, but from stress and overwork, not from laughter that made tighten painfully.

She pauses for only a second or two before sitting on the opposite side of the bus stop bench with her grocery bags. She is far enough for him to not notice her with her scarf wrapped around her lower face, but close enough that she can observe him. Despite of all the scenarios she had conjured in her dreams, this one was the most frequent.

However, she can no longer remember what her subconscious mind decided to do. All she can do now is sit and stare and wonder what on earth she should do.

Should I say hi? “Hi, nice to see you after about two years? Remember me? You found out I was lying to you about your group mate and you told me to get out of your face? How are you?” she groaned internally, thinking of how stupid it sounded. No, I should just go home, forget that this happened. Keep living, keep moving on. You’ve fixed everything in your life. Don’t add any complications.

Don’t add any unknown variables went the equation looks unclear enough.

The ring on her hand felt heavy.

She stands – I’m going, I’m not looking back, this never ever happened, I’m happy, dammit I’m happy – and turns to walk away before her dreams of confrontation can come true.

Tinkle.

The sound makes her turn backwards instinctively. She scans at the ground around her, wondering if she dropped any coins. Nothing.  But her eyes betray her and she looks back. A broken silver chain on the ground in front of where he sat and his back is turned towards her as he is boarding the bus.

Before her mind can catch up with her body, she is picking up the chain and gently, carefully, placing it on the bench. It glitters slightly despite the worn scratches and dull surface. She does not know why she does this. She should just leave it on the ground with the rest of their memories. He obviously does not care, he obviously moved on.

Why am I always the one left behind, umma?

The bracelet sits delicately on the bench. And winter will bury the memories in her snow and let the cold winds freeze it in time.

Slowly, her hand goes inside the black grocery bag and grabs a banana milk. She places it next to the broken chains – it isn’t hope, she tells herself.

It’s just a goodbye.

Goodbye because winter will freeze her memories, her feelings for Minho. Winter will lull it to a dangerous sleep and never let them wake up again.

Goodbye.
 

A/N: Hello everyone! It's been a while. I'm trudging through college - studying really takes a lot of my time and I'm teaching on weekends too. This story is usually tucked away on the back of my mind; not completely forgotten, but not on priority. I don't listen to KPOP anymore, including Shinee. :( I still have a little interest in them however. They'll never quite leave that space in my heart. But it really kills motivation to write. I hope you all can understand at least a little :\ I apologize for the wait! 

I actually wrote this entire chapter right after the Thirteenth Meeting: Part 1 (aka Minho's POV). But it was unpolished and I wanted to fix it. So here I am, polishing it a little (grammar mistakes, spelling - I'm really sorry! Maybe I should get a beta to fix all of that and force me to write more frequently). Sorry it's short in comparison to other chapters. 

And finally, I (hopefully) left a lot of unexplained things in this chapter, but don't jump to conclusions! Or go ahead and jump, but don't go skydiving. 

Thank you for all the encouraging reviews!