Extra: Bare
The Little Things
March 1st, 2010
He didn’t know anything about love. When he entered SM, he had only been a kid entering his teen years. He had given up the opportunity to be like his friends; create casual friendships, go on dates, worry about little aspects of his relationships. The only experience he could draw on were the movies he watched in his spare time with the rest of s. But when Taemin asked if his hyungs experienced any of the feelings that were conveyed in a movie, no one, not even the seemingly playerish Jonghyun, could truthfully reply.
He knew being an idol meant never being able to tell someone he loved them. At least, on a romantic level. Announcing a relationship not only meant risking an idol’s reputation, but also the privacy of a loved one. He watched as his sunbaes became top singers throughout years of work and saw it all crash down when announcing a relationship. The sunbae would end up giving up his career or breaking the relationship.
To Onew’s amazement, he witness the latter happen far more than the former.
One day while Key was striking up conversation with F.T. Island’s Jaejin, Onew peered over Lee Hongki’s shoulder. Hongki was writing lyrics and the words “love, love, love” caught his attention. The two singers had ended up having a deep discussion on romantic relationships. Onew was surprised to hear Hongki admit he was in one in his trainee days. When he asked what had happened, Hongki merely turned his head and said the girl had broken up with him. Onew opened his mouth to apologize, but Hongki shook his head.
“It wasn’t entirely her fault. Nor was it mine. Maybe it was both of us who caused the breakup?” Hongki quietly said, as if tracing back to those days. “I was too busy and she had given up. But when I thought about it, she was just tired of prolonging the inevitable. Had she not broken up with me, I would’ve done so.”
Surprised at his unexpected response, Onew inquired, “But why? Why would you have done it?”
Hongki smiled weakly. “As idols, I think we’re a little more selfish than the average person. Yes, we want to share our talents and music, but would you have given up your dreams to a girlfriend? I would never be able to do such a thing. All of us that pursue a career in the music industry love ourselves more than we could love others. Our significant others become merely people who provide comfort and they become hurt. And when we hurt, we want to hurt others. An idol that gives up his dream for his love is the one who truly can say that he is in love.”
Onew didn’t understand a word Hongki said at the time. He was sure he still didn’t.
He was tired from his musical practice. Walking home, Onew realized his steps sounded heavier than when they were light and springy a few years ago. He sighed as he read the texts from s, all saying they were currently out in school or in the studio. He had no intention of straining his voice for the rest of the night and had just wanted to order some food and finish writing the lyrics to a song.
A figure standing in front of the apartment building’s doors caught his eye.
“Minho isn’t here,” he said harshly, more than he intended.
'When we hurt, we want to hurt others.'
She shook her head and twiddled her thumbs. “I’m not here for him,” she faintly said as he took out his card to open the doors. “Don’t you think it’s about time we talked about us, Jinki?”
Onew awkwardly handed her a cup of tea. They sat on the living room floor, setting their cups next to them and waiting for the other to break the silence. Their knees were drawn to their chests, curled up as a puppy would do while being yelled at by an owner.
Ready for misery.
“I… I fought with Minho a couple of weeks ago,” she said while toying with a loose thread on a whale pillow. “I wasn’t sure why I was so angry at him initially, but I think I found out why. He reminded me of you. And I wondered if love is thought of so lightly nowadays.”
Onew weakly laughed as he wondered the answer to the same question. “I was told a while ago that idols can’t love. Like anyone else, we expect our significant other to understand,” he stared at her as she looked down at her feet. “As idols, we expect the same. But I think we want more sympathy than a person can give. We’re all too selfish to understand another person’s feelings.”
He watched as she curled into a tighter ball and he rested his chin on his own knees.
“I think I loved you.”
She turned her head towards him suddenly in shock as he gave her a pained smile.
“I really think I did. But I’m not sure. When I saw your back that day, walking away from me as you went to Minho… I think that’s when I opened up the possibility,” he said under his breath.
“Jinki - “
“But I loved myself more,” Onew interjected quickly, as if trying to rid himself of his disgust at the statement. “I loved myself more than I loved you.”
He was quickly met with protest as she argued heatedly, “If anyone was selfish, no, if anyone still is selfish, it’s me. I wanted too much out of you when I knew you had a dream. I depended too much on you and I knew I’d be stopping you but I only thought of myself - “
“As a friend, I should’ve stayed with you. I knew how much your umma’s death was affecting you. But I gave you up,” Onew scrunched his eyes shut and clenched his fists before continuing. “If I were to turn back time, even knowing that we would end up like this… I still would have chosen my dream over you.”
They fell quiet as both tried to find a way out of their declarations. But with the truth finally out, they couldn’t avoid it any longer.
“I think that’s why I was so mad. I think.. I loved you too. But had I really been in love, then I would have understood. I would never had run away,” her voice was small and murmured as her head remained between her knees.
“Why’d you come back?” Onew asked. “You went to the States to avoid this from happening again but you came back regardless.”
She finally met his eyes but he was sad to find them conflicted. “I.. I realized that even in the States, I couldn’t forget my mom. Or you. I wanted her forgiveness for being such a horrible daughter but I didn’t know how I could do it. I came back so I could give her flowers and maybe one day I’ll remember her favorite. But I haven’t even accomplished that. Instead, I sulked and let people try to fix me when I didn’t even put an effort to do it myself.”
“And Minho?“ Onew inquired while tilting his head in confusion. “You two seemed pretty close.”
This time, she laughed quietly, sadly. “I really messed up Jinki. Again. But I don’t think he realizes he did too. I was too selfish and too blind to see he was tired and trying. He was a source of comfort for me from what you and umma gave me. He helped me realized that I don’t need you two and I can move on.”
Onew frowned as the statements confused him even more. “Then why did you two fight?”
“Minho… I don’t think he really saw me. He was looking at me without seeing me. He only saw whatever good points I showed him and excused the bad. I guess he just painted me as his ideal girl? He expected me to understand when really, he’ll always be a puzzle to me. He doesn’t know about us, though that’s my fault. He doesn’t know anything about my past because he assumed he knew me. I was just someone he had to protect. The two of us.. Just began to use each other as comfort. We both forgot that we’re human. The attraction and allure of fate can only last so long before it shatters. I accused him of things that he isn‘t and I‘m sure that he‘s furious. I shattered the illusion he wanted to keep.”
Despite himself, Onew smiled and carefully reached out to ruffle her hair. “Don’t make the same mistake twice. Minho will forgive you; he’s just that kind of person. He may only know your good side and not your history but.. I can tell he likes you. He spent forever practicing that song, you know? It was definitely for you. But be careful with him - he’s more inexperienced than both of us and definitely a lot less confident. You deserve happiness, even if it’s not with me.”
They fell quiet as the clock struck twelve. She stood up, telling him she had to leave to catch the last bus. As much as he wanted for her to stay, he wasn’t her prince charming anymore. Midnight had broken their spell and left them bare.
But it also let them forgive.
“Hey, ____?” he said when spotting her bus that was approaching. “Call me Jinki. Just one last time before I let you go?”
She smiled at him and he remembered the days when they snuck out of school so she could play piano while he sang. He remembered the days where she always had bandages in her pocket so that the cuts they had gotten would always heal.
“Jinki oppa.”
There wasn’t any bandage this time because there was no point trying to fix a scar.
Her voice broke as his throat suddenly constricted.
“I missed you, Jinki oppa.”
They didn’t need a bandage because they had already healed.
“I know.”
I know.
Author’s Note: I’m on a rolllllll! I didn’t like my last chapter and by the looks of the comments, neither did you guys. But I hope this clears up the fact that our main female character wasn’t the only one in fault. All three made mistakes and were too angry and hurt to see their own. It’s not necessarily who made the bigger mistake. They all had overblown reactions, although I made the female’s more apparent. But they all (hopefully) now had a chance to cool down and think.
Now we can all celebrate the anticipated and somewhat repaired friendship of Onew and ___. :D
The story is coming slowly to a close but the ending won’t happen for quite a few chapters. But I’m definitely over halfway through with it. Next chapter will be up.. Eventually. I think I used all my brain juice for a while.
Thanks for all your (amusing) comments and subscriptions!
EDIT 10/13/10: I found a couple of spelling/grammar mistakes while reading this over again and fixed them! Nothing else is changed so please ignore this update. Sorry!
EDIT 10/13/10: I found a couple of spelling/grammar mistakes while reading this over again and fixed them! Nothing else is changed so please ignore this update. Sorry!
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