Now time for some Kai POV~~~

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Ever since the day she is in the hospital, the house seem so empty. I have to admit that i miss her so badly although I treated her badly when she was here. But..No.. I can't blame her. It's all my fault. Because of my selfishness she have to suffer. Because of my selfishness, she was married to me but i didn't once treat her as my wife. How did she even endure all these?

That day I received the call from my parents about her deterioriating conditon, I was shocked and my heart ached. I thought she would be fine but instead she got worse. I really hated myself for i had part of the responsibilty for she is in this state. When my parents chided me for not visiting her, i hated myself even more. I wished i was in her position. She don't deserve all these. I deserve it. Or does heaven wants to punish me? For not cherishing the girl i love. I visited her almost everyday when she got into the accident. I thought she would get better until i received that call. I was about to rush to the hospital but then i didn't. I can't bring myself to face her. I'm ashamed to face her. She probably hate me to the core.

From the day she was engaged to me, i've been giving her cold shoulders. And the moment she was married to me and became Mrs Kim, i still chose to ignore her. But then I love her. I knew I love her but i just don't have the courage too. Especially after what has happened. She don't know about it. No one knew except EXO. I told them everything and they stood by me. But they also loved her and scolded me for treating her like trash. That broke my heart.

I just couldn't tell her that I love her. I feared that she might leave me. I don't want to fall in love again but end up being alone. I was just selfish. She never knew how much i love her and now she may not have the chance to know. One month. One month was all i have with her. I want to tell her so much that I'm sorry for treating her like trash. I want to tell her that i love her.

I can never forget the way she looked at me when I stared back coldly at her. It was filled with fear and something else. But it just makes me feel more guilty. I miss her eyes. I don't care if she hates me or not but i just want her back. But i don't think she wants to come back since i put her through living hell. She's most probably enjoying now since she don't have to endure with the loneliness. But i want her to get well. She can leave me, leave this house, divorce with me and go back to being Lee Miyeon instead of Kim miyeon but i want her to get well and live well. But the fact that she is dying is making me more guilty.

I literally grew up with her but she knows nothing about me. I know everything about her. Her past, her likes and dislikes. And she don't dare to find out. She is afraid of me and i blame myself for that. She shouldn't even be married to me. I don't deserve her. I know she likes me, i read through her diaries when i found them while cleaning our room. But i only knew it after she was in the hospital. But Michelle, i'm sorry...I don't have the courage to tell you how i feel. I don't hate you at all. I hate myself. I don't even dare to call you Michelle. I'm such a failure.

Mr Diary, this is my first time writing to you. My heart feels so weird. Today, a friend of mine, Jongin, saved me from the bullies who were trying to bully me. At that moment, i felt that he was knight in shining armour. My heart was fluttering. Do I like him? but i don't know him well and i don't think he recognize me too... we only met a few times on our parents' business meeting... But he grew up to be so good looking...but we're only 12..i don't think we can be in a relationship... I want to see him again....

Mr Diary, I'm writing again hehe... yesterday was my last day of being a kid because now i'm a teenager!! It's my first day in high school!! Everything was fine until i saw him and my heart fluttered again. yes, he was jongin...and we're in the same school. He seemed to not recognise me when i took the courage to wave at him. He just ignored me but i'm still kind of happy to know that we're in the same school!! means seeing him more often now!!

mr diary! My omma just arranged a marriage for me..and the person was him...OMG!! can you believe it? but i don't know if he likes me.. Although we got to know each other better in school and spoke a few times... I even hanged out with his friends... and he is nice to me...but i'm now engaged to him...this is too unbelievable..it feels like a dream but...i'm still happy!!! and jumping for joy!!!

mr diary...yesterday, i'm officially engaged to him. but i don't feel really happy. He asked me not to regret but now i do. He never love me...or like me... and he's been ignoring me in school...but we're acting that we're happy in front of others.. it's so fake... but i can't pull out of this arranged marriage...and i don't want to...i hope he will like me in future...maybe spending more time with me will make him like me...i love him and i want him to be mine... am i being selfish? even if he don't love me..

mr diary..i hate him...he was never here...he was always out...does he have other girls? what did i do to make him hate me....I tried to be a good wife...but maybe i didn't try hard enough..maybe he thinks i rid him of his freedom...

Every word she wrote pricked my heart. I made her suffer when she married to me. I made her lonely when she was already lonely. I didn't give her love when her parents are not here anymore. And I made her act in front of others for the sake of reputation. I feel fake too when i have to act that we are happy and loving in front of others. I hope to be happy and loving with her too but i just don't dare. and we are so distant.

When i visited her the next day, i almost cried but i held back my tears. It pained me to see her lying motionless on the hospital bed. She don't deserve this. But it was my fault. Everything is my fault. when my secretary asked if i want to order her flowers, it reminded me of her birthday every year. I spent it with her and i love that moment even though she thinks we're acting in front of others. But the truth is, i was the real me. I was genuinely smiling, not acting. I took the effort to plan it nicely for her because her parents are no longer here. But i didn't show it to her, that i cared.